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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brother’s wedding

200 replies

Orla0502 · 25/07/2019 12:02

My youngest brother is living in the UK and marrying his partner at the end of the summer. We were all a bit shocked as he is very young and has no career but she seems nice and it is absolutely none of our business.
So they are marrying on a shoestring and inviting 50 guests. How they are arranging this is 25 guests each. Mammy and Daddy, me and my brother, our cousins BUT NOT my husband, children, sister-in-law and nieces and nephew.
However, she is including hers out of her 25.
My parents are beside themselves and offering money but he argues then she would have to increase her numbers. My husband has said it’s not what he would do but isn’t essentially bothered but my sister-in-law is in tears. When brother went over to talk to him he kept saying venue restrictions and every extra he had so would she and her parents can’t help with finances. He said he wasn’t prepared to leave friends out to accommodate siblings’ families. He stressed it was informal and getting married before they go travelling. What would you do?

OP posts:

IamWaggingBrenda · 25/07/2019 15:06

It seems odd to invite cousins but not spouses of siblings. I really don’t like it when spouses are treated as if they aren’t really part of the family. However, I would suck it up and go if it doesn’t bother your DH. As for the upset SIL, if it was my spouse who was that upset, I’d certainly tell my brother (groom to be) about being upset, and if the groom wouldn’t back down and invite her, I wouldn’t bother attending if he prioritized his friends over my spouse.

SilverySurfer · 25/07/2019 15:06

Forgot to add, no way would I invite my BiL over my best friend who I have known for over 50 years.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/07/2019 15:07

@chuttypicks you need to get out more...

ineedaholidaynow · 25/07/2019 15:14

Are your family more upset because it looks wrong, as they are not doing it the Irish way, rather than the fact that they are not going?

I don't blame your DB doing it this way as he is so much younger than his siblings and I assume he probably doesn't have so much to do with the adults/children not invited

Lweji · 25/07/2019 15:14

At least he's getting married. He could go on living in sin.

Valanice1989 · 25/07/2019 15:15

This is one of the things I find odd about MN. The general consensus seems to be that having a big, expensive wedding is foolish - the wedding only lasts one day, the marriage is supposed to last a lifetime... I agree with this. However, if a couple try to keep the number of guests down, they're criticised when they inevitably leave people out.

It's similar to the way it's considered tacky to have a large bridal party, yet unless the bride asks all of her close female friends to be bridesmaids AND all of her nieces and nephews (and the grooms as well, of course) to be flower girls and page boys, she's a bitch. I've even seen threads on here where posters have been advised not to attend their own sibling's wedding because their little darlings weren't asked to be part of the bridal party! It's so inconsistent.

jennymanara · 25/07/2019 15:17

@valaince I agree it is very inconsistent. And that some MNers seem to thrive on and encourage drama.

Valanice1989 · 25/07/2019 15:19

chuttypicks, it's not unusual in Ireland for adults to refer to their parents as Mammy and Daddy.

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 25/07/2019 15:21

I wouldn’t bother attending if he prioritized his friends over my spouse.

no word...

jennymanara · 25/07/2019 15:22

My friends are very important to me. I wouldn't give a toss if an in law I barely saw got upset at that fact.

SVRT19674 · 25/07/2019 15:24

Well, I don't think you are being unreasonable. How many really CLOSE friends does someone have? When push comes to shove, very few. To me, my brother and his wife are an item, regardless of whether I like her more or less. I consider not inviting other halves in this context as a massive social faux pas. Especially if said person is married to your sibling! The problem isnt that he is capped on 50, its that he isn't only inviting close friends, but his facebook list! He will regret it in years to come.

Namelessinseattle · 25/07/2019 15:29

It makes so much more sense now. How long is SIL on the scene? In my mind she was at his communion, confirmation, first day of school babysitting and all that. How long has he known her in terms of his life? It must feel like a massive snub to her. Ultimately it’s his choice and it’s a sad one though.

Lweji · 25/07/2019 15:31

Did you not read the thread?

Most people consider the ILs unreasonable and support the brother's decision, even if they might choose other options.

The MN opinion is not that he should invite all the family.

jennymanara · 25/07/2019 15:31

@SVRT Please don't judge other people's friendships by your experiences.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 25/07/2019 15:32

The problem isnt that he is capped on 50, its that he isn't only inviting close friends

Just because you don't have lots of close friends doesn't mean that the OP's brother is the same. From what we know so far out of his 25 people he's inviting:
Mum, Dad, Brother, Sister, 2 God children and cousins - That could easily add up to 10 plus people (depending on how many cousins he invites). Leaving 15 slots for friends or other relatives.

That's hardly the entire contents of his Facebook friend list and not exactly uncommon amount of friends for a young 20 something to have.

Lweji · 25/07/2019 15:34

I'm thinking about my SIL. She's been present in most of DS's life, but she hardly takes an interest in him and I bet she wouldn't have a clue about his interests. I doubt DS would want to invite her to his wedding other than out of obligation.

We don't know what the actual relationship is like.

seven201 · 25/07/2019 15:51

I personally don't see anything wrong with what your brother is doing. Some friends are more important than non immediate family. Don't get me wrong, if it was my db and my dd wasn't invited I'd be a bit upset, I wouldn't mind at all if dh wasn't invited. Small weddings are tricky, large weddings are tricky. Weddings are just tricky.

I once went to the big evening do of a wedding where they had had a tiny service. The dad's speech commented about how he had had a disagreement with his daughter about how he was disappointed she'd chosen mainly friends for the ceremony but that after being there for the whole day he completely understood why. It was lovely actually.

TitianaTitsling · 25/07/2019 15:54

Is this the missing Walsh brother from the Marian Keyes series about a group of sisters with demanding batshit relatives at times (watermelon/Rachel's holiday etc!) Incredulous that your SIL and DF are being such arses and ignorant about your brother's wishes on his wedding day!

SavingSpaces2019 · 25/07/2019 16:02

This is about the extended family still wanting a young member of the family to adhere to the traditional culturally ways of how things are done
This is so true!

Another thing that jumps out is the attitudes towards the groom from his family members - it's like he's been cast into the role of blacksheep/scapegoat.
We were all a bit shocked as he is very young and has no career
What's with the snooty and undermining attitude?
He's in his 20's, a grown man who is in charge of his life and takes full responsibility for the decisions he makes - how the fuck is he 'too young' to decide what's best for him?
He has a job - doesn't need a 'career' and if he does i'm sure he'll make it happen.

He's paying for his own wedding - he's not feeling entitled to the bank of Mammy & Daddy and neither has he asked for their financial help.

but she seems nice and it is absolutely none of our business
Ah, so none of you have made any effort to get to know her?
All you've got to say about her is that she's 'nice'?
You're absolutely correct - their life decisions are absolutely none of your business.
The only impact is to your ego's.

As for your Daddy - how about you tell him to wind his neck in?
His behaviour is embarrassing!

choli · 25/07/2019 16:48

If the OPs family is always this controlling, I am not surprised her brother emigrated.

phoenixrosehere · 25/07/2019 16:51

I’d go. It’s my sibling at the end of the day and they’re on a budget. My husband isn’t close to my sister, heck I’m not close to my sister and if she said she was only inviting me , I wouldn’t be fussed. It’s their wedding and their decision. They agreed on 25 people each and decided who their 25 people would be. I think they’re being smart knowing what they can and can’t afford for a wedding instead of possibly getting in massive debt for one day or feeling in someone’s debt over it because every family member needed to be invited no matter how close the bride or groom feel to them.

I think you all need to take a breath and get over yourselves because despite how immature you think he is being, he is being the most reasonable. He chose the people closest to HIM because it is HIS wedding. He has stated the why and such and if you don’t like it, don’t go.

VenusClapTrap · 25/07/2019 16:51

Christ. I can see why he’s prioritising his friends.

diddl · 25/07/2019 17:20

Isn't it usually considered rude (on here) to not invite spouses though?

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 25/07/2019 17:27

depends on the context.
If you have a big wedding, it would be rude.
When you invite a max of 20 guests, you are quite limited.

BlackCatSleeping · 25/07/2019 17:27

If it was a big wedding, then I’d say it’s rude not to invite spouses, but as it’s such a small wedding, I think the OP’s family needs to accept it and not bully them into having a big wedding that they don’t want.

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