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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding

200 replies

Orla0502 · 25/07/2019 12:02

My youngest brother is living in the UK and marrying his partner at the end of the summer. We were all a bit shocked as he is very young and has no career but she seems nice and it is absolutely none of our business.
So they are marrying on a shoestring and inviting 50 guests. How they are arranging this is 25 guests each. Mammy and Daddy, me and my brother, our cousins BUT NOT my husband, children, sister-in-law and nieces and nephew.
However, she is including hers out of her 25.
My parents are beside themselves and offering money but he argues then she would have to increase her numbers. My husband has said it’s not what he would do but isn’t essentially bothered but my sister-in-law is in tears. When brother went over to talk to him he kept saying venue restrictions and every extra he had so would she and her parents can’t help with finances. He said he wasn’t prepared to leave friends out to accommodate siblings’ families. He stressed it was informal and getting married before they go travelling. What would you do?

OP posts:
Derbee · 25/07/2019 12:22

In real life, but particularly on mumsnet, weddings seem to be a free pass to act as much like a selfish arsehole that you want, and have it justified. I’ve never understood it.

saraclara · 25/07/2019 12:23

my husband, children, sister-in-law and nieces and nephew
In fairness, that's a substantial proportion of a 25 people limit.
They're being sensible and sticking to a budget. And maybe she's closer to the family that she's inviting, than he is to his siblings' other halves.

Piffle11 · 25/07/2019 12:23

I might be upset that my DH and DC weren't invited, but ultimately I'd go and watch my DB get married and wish the couple well. I can understand why your DParents are offering money in order to be able to invite more of your DB's side, but this is how things end up getting out of proportion - happened at my wedding: ended up changing location to suit MIL's extra guests (she had wanted 80% of the original total number). It's not a case of what's fair/what's not fair, it's a case of your DB and his GF planning their day and DB's family trying to change it to suit themselves. Unfortunately it's not about your parents and what they want, and I do think if they push it there could be some resentment further down the line.

MrsMiggins37 · 25/07/2019 12:24

Or go but to be really petty invite him but not his wife to the next family event you hold.

He can invite who he likes of course it’s his wedding but married siblings come as a unit with other family members at these things. I wouldn’t be happy at all at being expected to splash out time, money and expense on a wedding where my husband wasn’t even included - I’d be less precious about the kids as some people don’t want kids at weddings at all anyway.

Are the friends bringing partners or just on their own?

Drum2018 · 25/07/2019 12:25

He shouldn't prioritise cousins over your Dh and sil. That is shit. I wouldn't mind about the kids not being invited though as long as no other kids are invited.

ParadigmGiraffe · 25/07/2019 12:25

I'd just go and quite enjoy a day out by myself. And be a bit rolled eyes at it to DH. They are young and a bit daft and will eventually realise how stupid they are being ... in about 10 years when they are complaining about only one of them being invited to a wedding and you can smile sweetly.

swissmilk · 25/07/2019 12:25

He's young and doesn't realise the important of family bonding at these kind of events.
What can you do?
Nothing.
Organise a lovely day out with your children, possibly with your sister in law?

PettyContractor · 25/07/2019 12:25

I hate the notion that getting married gives you a free pass to be an asshole!

How is inviting the people you actually want the most "being an asshole"?

I think expecting someone else to have a worse wedding so that you (as their guest) can take your family a long is more asshole-ish.

ChicCroissant · 25/07/2019 12:26

I would be miffed too - I bet he loses contact with the friends he invites very quickly and then he's already annoyed the family that would support him on his return!

Thinking of the friends I invited to my wedding, there are loads I'm not in contact with now!

swissmilk · 25/07/2019 12:26

Sorry I meant your DH should organise a day out with the kids...you should go to the wedding alone (with your parents/cousins etc)

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 25/07/2019 12:26

I don't see why your parents are so upset about the situation. He is clearly trying to be as fair as possible and inviting in laws, nieces and nephews would mean that he had little to no space left for his friends.

Yes traditionally you invite the whole family but if its an informal and small wedding then actually I'd rather have some of my closest friends attend than invite family out of duty.

I think your parents need to butt out and let him arrange his wedding in the way he and his wife to be would like to. It really is none of their business.

NoSauce · 25/07/2019 12:27

You have a bigger family as in blood relatives than hers?

Namelessinseattle · 25/07/2019 12:27

That’s a really good question- are friends bringing partners

TabbyMumz · 25/07/2019 12:29

I wouldn't have said 50 people is on a shoestring. I had 15. That's a shoestring.

regmover · 25/07/2019 12:31

I think that it's fair that, as they are paying, they each choose for themselves how they allocate their share of the guest list. I had this fuss at my wedding. Husband and I had half of the guest list each and chose who to invite. When MIL realised that most of my list would be friends (I'm closer to a lot of friends than to cousins etc) she wanted to take some of my numbers for their family. Arguing that family should come first and she couldn't fit in everyone she wanted to come. We stuck to our guns and that was the end of it.

saraclara · 25/07/2019 12:32

He shouldn't prioritise cousins over your Dh and sil

Why not? Presumably he and the cousins grew up together, while the inlaws could be relatively new to his circle. My late husband's cousins were more like siblings to him. Maybe the same applies here

ILearnedItFromABook · 25/07/2019 12:32

If he were excluding just one sibling's spouse/children, I'd agree that he was being unreasonable (unless there was significant backstory to explain it away). However, they're on a budget with a strict limit on guests. He can either invite in-laws that he evidently isn't very close to or his friends (people he's chosen himself to have in his life). Add to this that he's young, so those friendships are probably still a high priority.

Under those circumstances, it's not as surprising that he'd rather have his friends than his in-laws at the wedding. I'd be disappointed, but probably not outraged, especially since he's at least being consistent about it.

Honestly, I'd rather have a wedding/reception without a formal sit-down meal/drinks/etc. and be able to invite my whole group of friends and family (including in-laws and nieces/nephews), but I've seen plenty of other threads where it's made clear that you're a cheap, mean, tight-fisted Scrooge if you don't pay for a full meal and free-flowing champagne, so... You can't please everyone, so you might as well please yourself (which is what OP's brother is doing)!

HiJenny35 · 25/07/2019 12:33

Is SIL really close to him? I can't understand her dramatics, yeah be a bit "well that's rude not to invite me" but to cry over it? Go, don't go, your choice. He's only invited 25 so that's understandable that he would pick friends over your husband.

Tavannach · 25/07/2019 12:37

Say you completely understand about financial restrictions. Have a barbeque or a gathering in a pub with a garden that welcomes children. Invite your parents and all the uninvited family and ask the bride and groom to come and meet them all.

saraclara · 25/07/2019 12:37

I really don't understand why families feel they should dictate this stuff.

My daughter's getting married next month. She asked me if there were any friends I'd like to invite, but beyond that I've not wanted or needed any input. They're on a reasonably tight budget too.
I've recently seen the seating plan, and quite naturally, there are a lot more guests on her fiances side. He has a large and very close family. The equivalent cousins on my side haven't been invited because we've not seen them in years. That's no reason for him not to have his.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 25/07/2019 12:39

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't send a gift. I actually wouldn't mind about my children not being invited (they wouldn't enjoy it anyway), but it is very rude not to invite a siblings spouse. I can see why the SIL is so upset, especially if she thought they got on well.

thecatsthecats · 25/07/2019 12:39

Even assuming 'children' and 'niece/nephew' is just 2 per family, you're looking at 6 people there.

So out of 25 guests, we know that:

6/25 definitely family (assuming 2 cousins)
6/25 potential family (assuming 2 children per sibling)

Making 12/25 family at least if he invited you all. Quite possibly as many as 20. But he hasn't left out entire groups, and he hasn't applied one rule to some, another to others.

On to friends. I don't have a friend group smaller than 4 people. I have 4 friend groups of 4-8 people. All of those I've been friends with for 7+ years. To invite just them, no partners I would need 22 places - or start picking and choosing which friends or groups I was inviting. If I were limited on numbers, I'd rather leave out a whole group than start ranking them.

Crying, being beside yourself - being melodramatic, centring it on you, making an awful fuss over very little.

BlackCatSleeping · 25/07/2019 12:40

I'd just go and quite enjoy a day out by myself. And be a bit rolled eyes at it to DH.

This ^

It's just a day. There's really no need for all the melodrama and tears.

Maybe he'll invite you all to his next one!

BeanBag7 · 25/07/2019 12:41

I don't think it's that big of a deal. Is your brother close to your husband (his brother in law)? If you only see each other a few times a year and hes only known your husband for a few years I wouldnt be that surprised that he wanted to invite close friends instead given restricted numbers.

Megan2018 · 25/07/2019 12:45

I've been to weddings before that my DH wasn't invited to due to space restrictions - it's really not the end of the world! it's not something to get worked up about, it's up to them who they invite.

We invited no-one to ours which got around the issue! Otherwise we'd have had to do the same to keep it small.