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AIBU?

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Original poster

Brother’s wedding

200 replies

Orla0502 · 25/07/2019 12:02

My youngest brother is living in the UK and marrying his partner at the end of the summer. We were all a bit shocked as he is very young and has no career but she seems nice and it is absolutely none of our business.
So they are marrying on a shoestring and inviting 50 guests. How they are arranging this is 25 guests each. Mammy and Daddy, me and my brother, our cousins BUT NOT my husband, children, sister-in-law and nieces and nephew.
However, she is including hers out of her 25.
My parents are beside themselves and offering money but he argues then she would have to increase her numbers. My husband has said it’s not what he would do but isn’t essentially bothered but my sister-in-law is in tears. When brother went over to talk to him he kept saying venue restrictions and every extra he had so would she and her parents can’t help with finances. He said he wasn’t prepared to leave friends out to accommodate siblings’ families. He stressed it was informal and getting married before they go travelling. What would you do?

OP posts:
Applejack5 · 25/07/2019 12:45

I don't understand these couples who must have equal numbers of guests each. For our wedding we listed all the family and friends we wanted there, added them up and found a venue to match our numbers and budget.

In this case unless there's no actual room at the venue then it's unfair to not add a couple of guests that will be paid for. Why should it make a difference if the bride can't also have extras? She should care that her fiancé wants his family there, and it won't cost her anything.

I would feel very offended if my sibling got married and invited me but not my DH and DC (maybe not DC, if a child free wedding).

dany174 · 25/07/2019 12:46

Their wedding, you don't have to go.

It's really really hard to keep numbers down. Me and my fiancé wanted a 60 guest wedding and ended up having to invite 120 because of family politics. Luckily many are from abroad so we ended up with just over 80 guests in the end.

If you know they are on a tight budget and they don't want to take money from mom and dad then what do you want them to do? They want to celebrate their wedding with the people most important to them. I cant blame them for choosing close friends over in-laws.

A middle ground might be that you ask them if your sister in law and husband get placed at the top of the B list. Most weddings have 20% of people declining to come, at a small wedding like this its probable more like 10% so with a bit of luck there will be at least 5 places available down the line.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 25/07/2019 12:48

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't send a gift...it is very rude not to invite a siblings spouse.

Surely it would be ruder for him to turn to his friends who he has probably known for a good portion of his life and say sorry you cant come to my wedding I'm inviting my sisters husband instead even though I hardly see him and I only know him because he married my sister.

As for not sending a gift, that's just petty and childish surely no one is that self centred.

DdraigGoch · 25/07/2019 12:49

I think he's being fair. 25 is quite a small number and if he was to say "your kids can come but I've no room for my brother's kids" it would be even worse.

It's all or nothing. You either invite all of your siblings' spouses or none of them, all of your nieces/nephews or none of them. He's being fair by not picking some but not others. It's really hard to whittle down the guest list, especially to only 25.

I'm guessing that your husband and your sister in law wouldn't be able to attend without the kids unless childcare can be arranged.

You say that the bride has invited her siblings' spouses, kids etc. but still within the 25 so perhaps there aren't many of them in the first place.

CallmeAngelina · 25/07/2019 12:52

I'd be interested to know whether any of the friends he has invited are also hers. So, if they're mutual, have they just come out of "his" 25 guest allowance?
Doesn't change anything. He's told you quite plainly where your family stands in his priorities. Fine. That may come back to bite him on the bum in future when he has his own children.
At least you're not as far down his list as the poster on the recent thread who only got an evening invite to her (close) nephew's wedding (OP's brother was hosting), and there were 150 guests at the 'day part' altogether.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/07/2019 12:53

If they are marrying in church anyone can go, so I would all go to that and decline the after event. If in a register office, hotel etc I would go on my own to the actual wedding and leave before the event

I'd do this too. Thank them for the invitation, tell them you'll be there to see the ceremony (the important bit), but that you don't feel you can join in any other celebrations without you family around you. Let them know they can invite another "friend". in your place.

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 25/07/2019 12:58

So he hasn't got a career, presumably not much money, they are organising a very small wedding and each deciding how to invite limited guests?

Sounds very reasonable. It would be mean not to invite his mother, but his siblings in law? Sorry, but it makes sense in this context, there's nothing rude about sticking to a budget.
Anyone being in tears about it is ridiculously over-reacting.

If my Dh wasn't invited to a bigger do, a 150 guests wedding, I wouldn't go. If my DH wasn't invited to a very intimate wedding, then I would just respect my brother's wishes and attend gracefully.

25 guest per person is NOTHING. It's not personal, it's not spiteful, for once there's no bridezilla and entitled requests. Be happy for them.

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 25/07/2019 12:59

but that you don't feel you can join in any other celebrations without you family around you.

how entitled. You couldn't celebrate your sibling small intimate wedding but feel they should invite your partner instead of their close friends? Really? Siblings are invited, what more do you want.

I had more than 150 guests at my wedding, and it was really hard to even cut the numbers to limit to that amount. It goes ridiculously quickly.

diddl · 25/07/2019 13:04

Well tbh I think that if they haven't much money then 50 guests is quite a lot!

But parents beside themselves & SIL in tears-is it how it looks to others that's the problem?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/07/2019 13:09

Why is your SIL in tears? That’s very OTT.

Presumably he’s closer to other people than he is to her hence the lack of invite. They are having a small wedding and each inviting the people they truly want there to see them take their vows. It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest not being invited but DH getting an invite. We don’t insist on going as a pair or not going at all as we are separate people.

flouncyfanny · 25/07/2019 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HUZZAH212 · 25/07/2019 13:10

Why's your SIL in tears? It's not her wedding.

InsideNumber10 · 25/07/2019 13:11

I think your BIL is sensible. He’s making a value judgement about who to share their special day with. We had a small wedding (80 guests) and it annoys me still (many years later) that some of those seats were taken up by randoms we don’t know/see/care about (i.e. FIL’s aunt and uncle and some random friends of MIL).

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 25/07/2019 13:12

Well tbh I think that if they haven't much money then 50 guests is quite a lot!

why? It might be just what they can afford, that's fine. Why would anyone chose to invite young kids instead of your close friends? Why would you have to put your siblings partners in front of your own friends?

LucilleBluth · 25/07/2019 13:13

It's rude and it will cause upset. He's young and wrong and will probably look back and cringe.

CarolDanvers · 25/07/2019 13:15

It's not a big deal. Do your parents often get themselves worked up over not much? Mine do so just wondering if yours are the same.

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 25/07/2019 13:17

Why is it rude?

Original poster
Orla0502 · 25/07/2019 13:17

I am hesitating to write this as it’s going to make my sister-in-law out to be a nightmare and she really isn’t... I was at school with her., she is one of my best mates. ... she wrote some questions out for my brother to ask our brother. There will be children going to wedding out of her half including nieces and nephews. It is a buffet above a pub. Some friends will have partners as they know them both. They are only second of their circle to marry. Nearly 20 years separates my older brother and me from our youngest. Eldest was already in college when he made appearance. He was a surprise. So normal in-law relationships weren’t established in the same way. What I found out half an hour ago is youngest niece and cousin’s toddler is invited as Goddaughters!!! Eldest brother is pissed off but if cousin’s daughter going he will be obliged to take his daughter and sister-in-law will go ape. My daddy is 72 and goes nowhere without our mammy and has never passed a remark about a wedding in his life but is saying he is flying over to London on his own to have it out with brother.
I know it’s not my wedding and I have had my day. We did not go 50:50 but invited who we wanted. I didn’t bat an eyelid when mother-in-law’s cousins’ courtesy invitation to America produced 7 actual strangers at mine. I know we had help but financial help has been offered. My daddy is very traditional and wants to meet fiance’s Father. I know we sound dramatic but my parents are very upset.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/07/2019 13:17

I would decline
"Than you dear brother for the invite, however I would hate to take the place that could be given to a random friend....declined"

Then petty as I am Id leave him wife out of future family dinners.

diddl · 25/07/2019 13:18

" Why would anyone chose to invite young kids instead of your close friends? Why would you have to put your siblings partners in front of your own friends?"

I haven't said that they shouldConfused

I agree that if 50 is what they can afford then great.

ChuckleBuckles · 25/07/2019 13:19

Leave the poor bugger to have the wedding he wants OP, frantic parents, a sil in tears, a brother going to have a man to man chat with him about the wedding details, and you sniffily dismiss the bride to be as seeming "nice", if faaaahhhhhhhhhilly ( In my best Peggy Mitchell voice) is so very important to you all why have you not bothered to acquaint yourselves with the bride-to-be beyond "nice".

SavingSpaces2019 · 25/07/2019 13:19

He said he wasn’t prepared to leave friends out to accommodate siblings’ families
Mmmmm, i can see why it seems unreasonable.
However....it depends on the relationship/bond between you all.
Just sharing the same blood doesn't give anyone a 'right' to be invited.

If he has a closer bond with his friends - and he's limited as to the number of people he can invite - then it makes absolute sense why he would prioritise friends over family.

You have every right to decline the invitation though if you don't agree with it.

PeoniesarePink · 25/07/2019 13:21

You said he's young OP.

He's just thinking of who he'll have the best day with ie mates to get drunk.

I'd feel narked about it but I'd still go.

flouncyfanny · 25/07/2019 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 25/07/2019 13:23

Eldest brother is pissed off but if cousin’s daughter going he will be obliged to take his daughter and sister-in-law will go ape.

with such entitled and ridiculous over reaction, I am wondering why they are bothering inviting family at all, they would be better off surrounded by real friends.
Can't you see it's nice to invite their god daughter? They might feel obliged to do it, but it's still a nice touch.

Can't people respect the limited number? Maybe they don't want to elope because they can't afford it and they would miss having their friends and parents around them...

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