Brother’s wedding

[Orla0502]

My youngest brother is living in the UK and marrying his partner at the end of the summer. We were all a bit shocked as he is very young and has no career but she seems nice and it is absolutely none of our business.
So they are marrying on a shoestring and inviting 50 guests. How they are arranging this is 25 guests each. Mammy and Daddy, me and my brother, our cousins BUT NOT my husband, children, sister-in-law and nieces and nephew.
However, she is including hers out of her 25.
My parents are beside themselves and offering money but he argues then she would have to increase her numbers. My husband has said it’s not what he would do but isn’t essentially bothered but my sister-in-law is in tears. When brother went over to talk to him he kept saying venue restrictions and every extra he had so would she and her parents can’t help with finances. He said he wasn’t prepared to leave friends out to accommodate siblings’ families. He stressed it was informal and getting married before they go travelling. What would you do?

Crosspost- damn autocorrect

@Orla0502

I know people are entitled to invite who they want blah blah blah, but this doesn't sit well with me at all.

Me and DH had a budget (like many people do,) and we decided on 75-ish people at the wedding and reception. So we had roughly 40 or so family members (a mix from both sides,) and around 13-14 friends - and also their partners. (So around 26-30 people altogether that were not family.) We had 2 or 3 individual friends, (each,) but theywere mostly joint friends...

The bride and groom having 100% 'individually chosen guests' is very odd IMO. Do you not have any mutual friends? Do you not know each others family members? Very strange.

It’s a budget wedding with 25 places only. He is celebrating his marriage in front of very close friends and family. He is NBU and some posters are being a tad petty

I don't think your family are making a big drama.

Your brother is going about this the wrong way. Either he has a small wedding with just friends who are local to him and maybe parents. Or he invites key family members and friends. This means counting up the numbers and working out how many, then choosing a suitable venue. It does not mean choosing a venue that isn't quite big enough. It sounds like he needs about 3 extra places. I bet the venue can accommodate a few extra. It doesn't result in him having massively more guests than his wife. And if she also wanted 3 more guest it wouldn't make a massive difference either.

He is behaving like a spoilt brat and the sooner he realises that these sorts of decisions cause lasting damage to important relationships the sooner he will grow up.

I'm pretty sure the brother is the only one in the family not behaving like a spoilt brat

Most people are closer to their friends than your siblings partners.

Especially when the siblings' partners are 20 years older than them.

What questions did SIL want answered? Were they inked in her own blood? Was a raven from Winterfell needed to deliver this holy grail of a scroll?

I have a similar age gap in my sibling group, I am the youngest, next in line to me is 15 years older, the older siblings have kids my age, so growing up the sibling bond did not develop in the way it usually would, it normally involved everyone talking down to me, treating me as a small child as I grew up and that dynamic continues now even though I am almost 40. They all seem to think I need their permission for everything as if I am still that small child, all forgetting that I am nearing middle age.

Your DB is an adult making a decision that he feels suits him best, try to remember that before you drive him away with the family hysterics.

The problem here is that your family are adopting an "Irish wedding" attitude to this when it's plainly not going to be an Irish wedding.

Your Mam needs to tell your Dad to calm down. I suspect he and your sil are worried about what the neighbours will say. They won't care.

I presume your brother is probably closer to his cousins than he is to you, due to the age difference.

If this was me (and I and all my family had the most Irish weddings of weddings) I would leave dh and the kids at home and go to the wedding and spend the day monitoring Dad to make sure he sits there and smiles.

I think if you can’t work out that it’s ok not to have exactly equal numbers on each of the bride and groom’s sides then you are not mature enough to get married. If that is the real reason.

Either he has a small wedding with just friends who are local to him and maybe parents. Or he invites key family members and friends.

He doesn't have to do either of those things, since he's paying for it then he gets to decide who he celebrates with and where the wedding is held.

He is behaving like a spoilt brat and the sooner he realises that these sorts of decisions cause lasting damage to important relationships the sooner he will grow up.

Surely you mean his parents and SIL are behaving like spoilt brats who need to grow up, which considering their ages is pretty flaming impressive.

Can't see the problem.

OP is your distraught SIL the one who didn't invite her MIL to her birthday bash and then wanted MIL to babysit so you and your DH could attend the party? So only keen on the 'high importance of family' when it suits then 😉

I would prioritise friends over all family except my mum and sister. I get on fine with them, but unlike good friends, they are never really there for me. Family should not automatically come before friends.

The bride and groom having 100% 'individually chosen guests' is very odd IMO. Do you not have any mutual friends? Do you not know each others family members? Very strange.

what's strange on letting your partner decide who they want to invite without putting your nose in it?

The bride and groom to be sound the most mature of the lot - they have a budget and a set number, they are sticking to it. Soon he is going to be blamed for choosing to invite his own parents to his wedding?
His siblings would be very miffed not to be invited, so he invites them, his goddaughters and the remaining spots are for friends

and btw no one knows WHO these friends are and why he has chosen them, you haven't seen the guest list have you>

Throwing a tantrum because someone chose to have a wedding they can afford for once.. that's beyond ridiculous and childish.

My daddy is 72 and goes nowhere without our mammy and has never passed a remark about a wedding in his life but is saying he is flying over to London on his own to have it out with brother.

Oh for goodness' sake, someone needs to knock some sense into your family's heads.

Your younger brother is doing the sensible thing. He's marrying the woman he loves according to their means, in another country. He's probably agonised over that guest list, and that's been his best shot at it.

Your family should respect that, and cut out the ridiculousness. Those of you invited should just show up and wish them well.

hey all seem to think I need their permission for everything as if I am still that small child

It seems to me this is exactly the dynamic in this situation. I highly doubt Daddy would be considering flying down to 'have a word' with his elder children. They obviously still think he is too young and immature to know what he wants and how to plan his own wedding and that he needs their help and money. It all sounds very patronising.

If the wedding is in the UK and you’re all in Ireland, they may realise it’s impossible to invite siblings partners but not children, because of expense and childcare. They obviously don’t have budget or inclination for children unless it’s a particular reason eg god children, so it sort of makes sense to invite just siblings as inviting partners would be a faff and expense for everyone. Also maybe they just want a low key informal wedding and it’s getting married that matters to them. I echo pp who said bet they’ll wish they just went to registry office now, poor pair.

What people are not understanding is that it's a huge snub for the inlaws who are not invited. To invite extended family (cousins) but not in-laws is massive. I've no advice OP but I do understand why your SIL is so upset and I do understand your daddy saying he's going to fly over to London to talk to your brother. Your parents must be mortified.
And while I do understand the view that weddings are personal etc, this is a massive massive statement about how highly your brother rates his BIL and SIL. He's young and will be so embarrassed in years to come but for right now I don't know what you can do.
Shrug and put it down to youth and not intentional malice

my sister-in-law is in tears

As you are her friend, tell her to get a grip.

"Mammy and Daddy": really?
My parents are beside themselves
Also need a grip.

youngest niece and cousin’s toddler is invited as Goddaughters!!!
I read this as both are the groom's goddaughters. Of course they should be invited. He must be close to their parents to be invited to be a godfather.

And it makes perfect sense to have his closest friends there rather than non-blood relatives he hardly has a relationship with.

Your DH is the sensible one.

The problem here is that your family are adopting an "Irish wedding" attitude to this when it's plainly not going to be an Irish wedding

I agree with this (and am also Irish and had an Irish wedding). I can't see the problem. It is such a small wedding, why does it even matter? It isn't like he is having the full hotel wedding reception for 120 people and excluding SIL and BIL etc. OP's husband has the right idea. All this drama is ridiculous.

I suppose if your parents desperately want an additional 10 people from their side to attend, then they need to ask your brother if they can pay for 20 extra people - 10 for him and 10 for his wife to be. But it is all so unnecessary. And he could still decline.

And if one half of the couple is Irish then I don't think it's entirely true to say that "it won't be an Irish wedding, get over it"

I suspect that your DPs are devastated because they would like to think that their children will all love and support one another when they're not here to do so - and they can see that the chances of that will be blown to bits by this (startlingly unequal) arrangement.
If siblings partners and children from one side are invited, that should apply across the board - otherwise I agree that this will be perceived as a snub, and will not be forgotten, or forgiven...
Personally, I wouldn't go (& would probably go for the family BBQ with DB & SIL).

The youngest brother sounds like the only reasonable person in this. Can not believe some people think he is spoilt, petty etc!

If I were him I’d just uninvite you all. He has a limited number of spaces. He has invited his immediately family. Of course he’d like his close friends to celebrate with him over his in-laws.

Then petty as I am Id leave him wife out of future family dinners.

I do so love it when people say this sort of thing as a threat.

You'd be rendering me a personal service in identifying yourself as a melodramatic twat I didn't have to waste any further time on.

When people threaten to remove the great and munificent bounty of their personal presence as a threat, they merely confirm that they're not worth bothering with.

This is about the extended family still wanting a young member of the family to adhere to the traditional culturally ways of how things are done. It is a fight that many young adults have had with their wider families and will continue to have. He does not want to do things the traditional way, and I suspect the weeping and wailing will make him dig his heels in even more.