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Original poster

Brother’s wedding

200 replies

Orla0502 · 25/07/2019 12:02

My youngest brother is living in the UK and marrying his partner at the end of the summer. We were all a bit shocked as he is very young and has no career but she seems nice and it is absolutely none of our business.
So they are marrying on a shoestring and inviting 50 guests. How they are arranging this is 25 guests each. Mammy and Daddy, me and my brother, our cousins BUT NOT my husband, children, sister-in-law and nieces and nephew.
However, she is including hers out of her 25.
My parents are beside themselves and offering money but he argues then she would have to increase her numbers. My husband has said it’s not what he would do but isn’t essentially bothered but my sister-in-law is in tears. When brother went over to talk to him he kept saying venue restrictions and every extra he had so would she and her parents can’t help with finances. He said he wasn’t prepared to leave friends out to accommodate siblings’ families. He stressed it was informal and getting married before they go travelling. What would you do?

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 25/07/2019 13:24

My daddy is 72 and goes nowhere without our mammy and has never passed a remark about a wedding in his life but is saying he is flying over to London on his own to have it out with brother.

With behaviour like this if I was your brother and his fiancé I wouldn't invite any of them! They are not paying for the event and it is not their choice on who gets an invite. The attitude of certain members of your family is ridiculously selfish and entitled.

BlueSkiesLies · 25/07/2019 13:26

Why does your sister in law even care! Why are your parents 'beside themselves'

Drama. Lama.

LadyRannaldini · 25/07/2019 13:26

Encourage him to run a mile, she wants everything her way and isn't likely to change!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 25/07/2019 13:26

Their wedding ...their choice.In the end its all about the people getting married either support their decision or don;t but to fall out over such a thing seems daft to me,

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 25/07/2019 13:27

It's a PITA but I kinda see where the kid is coming from. I love my sibling-in-laws, but not as much as my dearest friends. If I had to choose who to invite to a special personal wedding I would choose my friends and hope my siblings loved me enough not to hold it against me. It's his wedding. Don't make it shit for him.

LucilleBluth · 25/07/2019 13:27

You don't leave out your siblings partners....children maybe, but never partners, especially when married. It's really isn't the done thing. Friends come and go but siblings (who are in contact of course) last forever.

HUZZAH212 · 25/07/2019 13:27

So DB and fiancee are in their early 20's and SIL (lovely but drawing up lists of questions/demands) is in her 40s (old enough to know better). I'm sorry but it all sounds so unreasonable. They're a young couple who clearly want their friends at their wedding, and presumably to see them all together before they set off travelling. Other people might not like their plans but if I was being pushed like DB I'd say stuff the lot of you and get married whilst travelling and throw a party for friends before I left.

LightDrizzle · 25/07/2019 13:29

The poor sods. Maybe they will bin the whole thing and go to a Registry Office with a couple of witnesses. They are in love and want to marry each other with minimum fuss and expense and now have their wedding soured with having made family “distraught”.
Weddings always bring out the worst. They are applying a restriction fairly across both families. I’ve been to a wedding without my husband before. Drove 5 hours to get there and the same back. I wanted to see my lovely friend get married.
Mammy and Daddy can have a vow renewal and do it their way if they want to pay for a big family do.
If my daughter got married in Vegas and told me when she got back, I’d be disappointed not to have been there but I’d “get it” and hide it well.
Maybe you could all make an effort to allow your brother to have a happy wedding.

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 25/07/2019 13:30

Encourage him to run a mile, she wants everything her way and isn't likely to change!

Who? The SIL having a massive strop?
Indeed.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 25/07/2019 13:30

If I were your brother and had come across so much hostility I would cancel the whole thing and bugger off abroad and do it there on a beach and tell everyone afterwards...My wedding was fabulous..me him and 2 random witnesses and no family hassle..just perfect.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 25/07/2019 13:32

As weddings are all about uniting families, I would be loathe to go if he is prioritising friends.

I'm fucked then, my family all died so I'm only inviting friends.

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 25/07/2019 13:32

You don't leave out your siblings partners....children maybe, but never partners, especially when married. It's really isn't the done thing.

when you organise a small intimate wedding, it's fine. Most people are closer to their friends than your siblings partners.

Why should anyone go into debt because people believe they have to be the centre of everything?

flouncyfanny · 25/07/2019 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumofone1860 · 25/07/2019 13:33

We had a 50 person wedding and my MIL cried and said she'd pay for her friends to come. We said no. It is becuase you are telling close friends they can't come as it's only a small group but then having whoever MIL wante there as she paid. So your soon to be SIL will have told her family 'sorry I only have 25 guests', for them to show up to 100 people as your parents have decided they have to invite siblings partners and all children on your side. Especially in your older brothers case where he moved out before your younger brother was even born. Not sure why SIL would be crying as she must know she's not in your younger brothers top 25 as I'm sure he's not in hers either!

diddl · 25/07/2019 13:33

"Maybe you could all make an effort to allow your brother to have a happy wedding."

I agree with that.

ithinkiammelting · 25/07/2019 13:35

Ah well, in 20 years time, when many of his friends have drifted away, he will still have his family - most of whom will still be remembering the snub.

There's nothing like a wedding for creating family rifts, is there?

Breathlessness · 25/07/2019 13:35

It sounds like your family is making a big drama out of this.

He’s having a very low key wedding with a buffet in a room over the pub afterwards. He and his other half have decided on a guest limit. It’s really unfair of your family to think they can just give him some cash and expect him to change his plans. From the age difference you’ve mentioned I assume that your children and your older brother’s children are close in age to him and that they’re not particularly close. Why would he invite them? Your SIL has more reason to feel excluded but is she particularly close to him?

TheNavigator · 25/07/2019 13:36

Oh dear OP, your 'traditional' daddy flying over to meet the fiance's father sounds a nightmare. Is he hoping a 'real man' can get this silly little girl told to do the right thing (ie dance attendance to whatever your 'traditional daddy' deems appropriate).

It is their wedding. They are paying, You have said your brother is 20 years younger and not close to his in laws. So he wants to keep the spaces for people that matter to him. It seems reasonable to me.

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 25/07/2019 13:36

Ah well, in 20 years time, when many of his friends have drifted away, he will still have his family - most of whom will still be remembering the snub.

projecting much? Grin

Who on earth would mind if stroppy SIL was remembering a "snub"?

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 25/07/2019 13:37

Why would you think most of his friends will have drifted away in 20 years? Plenty of people have life long friends. By that logic, who's to say the siblings will still be with their partners in 20 years?

MrsCollinssettled · 25/07/2019 13:40

Friends may come and go but so do ILs. Your brother has invited siblings but not partners who may not be there in years to come. He has adopted a clear, fair policy and is sticking to it. Your family seem hellbent on ruining his wedding rather than getting over their selfishness

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 25/07/2019 13:40

Ah well, in 20 years time, when many of his friends have drifted away, he will still have his family

In this situation I would say the opposite is more likely. His siblings weren't really siblings due to the age gap and his parents are already in their 70's. I would presume his friends will be a more permeant fixture in his life over the next 20 years than his family.

MrsCollinssettled · 25/07/2019 13:41

Crossword with Anastasia

Purpleartichoke · 25/07/2019 13:41

If it were local, I’d go to the ceremony (and maybe stay through cake cutting).

I can understand having a child free wedding. I can understand having a small wedding. I can’t understand excluding close family. The spouse of your sibling is part of your family.

HUZZAH212 · 25/07/2019 13:41

Also SIL is a complete nightmare! What did her list of questions say?...."Why am I not invited to your wedding??!!!! 😭" Written in blood on a sheet of A5...