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AIBU?

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Original poster

Brother’s wedding

200 replies

Orla0502 · 25/07/2019 12:02

My youngest brother is living in the UK and marrying his partner at the end of the summer. We were all a bit shocked as he is very young and has no career but she seems nice and it is absolutely none of our business.
So they are marrying on a shoestring and inviting 50 guests. How they are arranging this is 25 guests each. Mammy and Daddy, me and my brother, our cousins BUT NOT my husband, children, sister-in-law and nieces and nephew.
However, she is including hers out of her 25.
My parents are beside themselves and offering money but he argues then she would have to increase her numbers. My husband has said it’s not what he would do but isn’t essentially bothered but my sister-in-law is in tears. When brother went over to talk to him he kept saying venue restrictions and every extra he had so would she and her parents can’t help with finances. He said he wasn’t prepared to leave friends out to accommodate siblings’ families. He stressed it was informal and getting married before they go travelling. What would you do?

OP posts:
saraclara · 25/07/2019 14:12

To invite extended family (cousins) but not in-laws is massive.

No, it really isn't. As I said before, he's probably grown up with those cousins all his life, and is close to them.

Other poster's cousins might not be a feature in their lives (mine aren't) but for other people they can be as close as siblings, with a long shared history.

So many posters are projecting their own lives on to this lad's situation. He's doing his best.

Tavannach · 25/07/2019 14:13

youngest niece and cousin’s toddler is invited as Goddaughters!!!

I read this as both are the groom's goddaughters. Of course they should be invited. He must be close to their parents to be invited to be a godfather.

Well actually, if the niece who's the Goddaughter is the daughter of the SIL (the one who's weeping) then I think that it is a bit off.
It does sound very Irish.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 25/07/2019 14:13

He does not want to do things the traditional way, and I suspect the weeping and wailing will make him dig his heels in even more

I bloody hope so. It does sound like his parents are more worried about how it will look to others than about what their son would like. I'm hopefully wishing he sees the light and uninvites the lot of them and then buggers off on his travels about a thousand times less stressed because he no longer has to worry about family dramas and tradition.

Aridane · 25/07/2019 14:14

Exactly, sara !

notjustanexpat · 25/07/2019 14:17

He lives abroad. His friends are probably closer to him and the ones who were there in tough times you did not even know he went through. It is part of living far away from family - they'll be there in 20 years, you might very well be too estranged by then.

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 25/07/2019 14:18

What people are not understanding is that it's a huge snub for the inlaws who are not invited.

if it was a big wedding, it would be a snub.

When only a handful of guests are planned, I am thinking too bad? Grow up and get over it, it's about someone's special day, not you?

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 25/07/2019 14:19

There is one obvious solution, organise a traditional MN wedding.

Charge the guests for their rooms, their meals, their drinks and demand a set amount as a wedding gift. Everyone can therefore attend, and it won't put the bride and groom in debt.

I bet SIL would be even more upset there...

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 25/07/2019 14:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

jennymanara · 25/07/2019 14:25

What people are not understanding is that it's a huge snub for the inlaws who are not invited.

I understand that fully. I come from a complicated cultural background. One thing I quickly learned as an adult is that my life was going to be very complicated if I did everything my extended family thought was proper and right. This man is choosing not to follow the traditional cultural ways of who he should invite to a wedding, instead inviting who he actually wants to come to a wedding. This is why we had a wedding with only 2 witnesses and did not tell anyone until afterwards.

00100001 · 25/07/2019 14:25

Wow... is your family always full of such drama? Confused

"My daddy (...) is flying over to London on his own to have it out with brother. "

to what end? Surely 1 of 2 things will come as a result of that:

  1. Brother tells Dad to fuck off....and he goes home and nothing changes. and then you all moan and groan about it for the rest of your lives and be arseholey about the fact you weren't invited and sulk about it all.

  2. Brother does as he's told ... and then end up h "having" to invite every single member of the family and pay for it. And his wife-to-be would with er end up with the original 25...or invite more - making it a huge wedding that they don't want.

Confused
SleepingStandingUp · 25/07/2019 14:25

Thing is this isn't 3 siblings who have grown up together, possibly dated their now spouses over similar periods, Double dated or have holidays with their similarly aged kids.

You and SIL are best friends, your partners probably get on OK, the kids probsy do too. But how much does ittle brother actually know his siblings partners? Compared to the people he grew up with and has spent much more of his life experiences with? And he's meant to not invite them because your SIL, presumably in her 40's or 5p's alis hysterical??

newmomof1 · 25/07/2019 14:26

So your brother is getting married to someone he loves, doing it the way they want to and they're paying for it all themselves and he's STILL getting grief?

His wedding, his choice.
He's explained his reasons.

Is your brother close to SIL?
Why should he pick family over friends? Friends tend to be the people who are there through anything.

MeredithGrey1 · 25/07/2019 14:30

IWhat people are not understanding is that it's a huge snub for the inlaws who are not invited. To invite extended family (cousins) but not in-laws is massive.*

Is it? My BIL doesn’t live near us, and I don’t know him that well. If he invited his cousins but not me to his wedding and explained it was due to limited numbers, I’d probably think “oh that’s a shame, I’d have liked to have gone” and that’s it. I definitely wouldn’t be in tears and certainly wouldn’t expect my husband to go and talk to him about it.

ChicCroissant · 25/07/2019 14:31

Come and spend money to celebrate my partner, but don't bring your own ...

It is going to cause bad feeling. The wedding seems to be set up with the numbers the bride needs to cover, not the groom which is the issue. He's said that if he has extra numbers, she has to have them as well and although the groom's parents have offered to pay for any extra guests the bride's family will not - so they seem to be splitting the cost of the ceremony exactly in half. Not taking into account that one side may have a larger family does seem a little inflexible to me.

Also - from the parents point of view - you like to think of your children as a united team, all getting along with each other. You don't want a situation like this with one member of the family leaving some out.

jennymanara · 25/07/2019 14:34

Except children are not always a united team. No way would I want my DP's older brother anywhere near any celebration of ours. He can go to fuck.

PCohle · 25/07/2019 14:35

Your family seem massively over dramatic. Your brother's been, at worse, a bit rude. There's really no need to spoil his wedding with weeping, wailing and huge fallings out.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 25/07/2019 14:36

from the parents point of view - you like to think of your children as a united team, all getting along with each other. You don't want a situation like this with one member of the family leaving some out.

Ironically if any child has been left out growing up and in life I'd wager it was the brother who is getting married. He was the youngest by a country mile and as such of course he's not going to be close to his siblings. Even with the best will in the world he's likely felt like an outsider most of his life.

Lweji · 25/07/2019 14:38

if the niece who's the Goddaughter is the daughter of the SIL (the one who's weeping) then I think that it is a bit off

Primarily she'd be his brother's child, rather. Surely the brother can take his child to the wedding, if that's the case.

Beautiful3 · 25/07/2019 14:39

I wouldn't fall out with him, but I wouldn't go.

Lweji · 25/07/2019 14:39

Also, the problem is not with the siblings. They are invited. It's the ILs who are not invited.

OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 25/07/2019 14:54

Let them invite who they want without creating a huge family drama, but don’t feel obliged to go. I would probably decline on the grounds of logistical difficulties in this case. I couldn’t go to my sibling’s wedding (long-haul travel, couldn’t get time off work, had a very young child who would have struggled with the flight and heat) - but the sky didn’t fall in and we all get along fine.

chuttypicks · 25/07/2019 14:59

I'm more concerned that you, an adult, still refer to your parents as Mammy and Daddy tbh. It's a bit creepy. Your brother can invite who he likes. If you don't want to go then don't go. Why all the drama?

Quartz2208 · 25/07/2019 15:00

With the age gap though it makes sense. Like it or not he has come up with the 25 people he is closest to and your DH and SIL do not make the list. That isnt a surprise you are different generations.

SilverySurfer · 25/07/2019 15:04

What a load of hysterical nonsense. Your parents are 'beside themselves' and your SiL in tears I don't know what your father thinks he's going to achieve by going to see them, I'm assuming the B&G are adults. If I was your brother I would be uninviting all family members and then get on with enjoying getting married without you all.

Go or don't go - I'm sure the B&G will still enjoy their day.

jennymanara · 25/07/2019 15:05

chuttypicks This is common in some parts of Ireland.

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