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Original poster

Brother’s wedding

200 replies

Orla0502 · 25/07/2019 12:02

My youngest brother is living in the UK and marrying his partner at the end of the summer. We were all a bit shocked as he is very young and has no career but she seems nice and it is absolutely none of our business.
So they are marrying on a shoestring and inviting 50 guests. How they are arranging this is 25 guests each. Mammy and Daddy, me and my brother, our cousins BUT NOT my husband, children, sister-in-law and nieces and nephew.
However, she is including hers out of her 25.
My parents are beside themselves and offering money but he argues then she would have to increase her numbers. My husband has said it’s not what he would do but isn’t essentially bothered but my sister-in-law is in tears. When brother went over to talk to him he kept saying venue restrictions and every extra he had so would she and her parents can’t help with finances. He said he wasn’t prepared to leave friends out to accommodate siblings’ families. He stressed it was informal and getting married before they go travelling. What would you do?

OP posts:
Isithometimeyet0987 · 25/07/2019 17:29

While it wouldn’t be normal not to invite all your family and your friends where I’m from (Irish) your SIL reaction is really over dramatic, I would be a bit surprised if I got and invitation like that to a family members wedding I’d just accept if I could make the date and go and have a good time, which is what you and your brother should be doing not creating all this drama when your brother and his fiancé obviously can’t afford a bigger wedding, I think you, your brother and parents are rude not him.

Idontwanttotalk · 25/07/2019 17:43

"He shouldn't prioritise cousins over your Dh and sil. That is shit."
He has probably known those cousins all his life and could be really close to them, whereas he has known BIL and SIL for far less time. He may really like them but not to the extent where he would exclude his cousins for them.

As for friends, a lot of us have friends who we are much closer to than family members.

I would definitely go and support my brother and be pleased for him. He is trying to be fair to both sides. Your parents are being ridiculous to be so upset about this. After all, your DH isn't upset.

SagAloojah · 25/07/2019 18:03

Isn't it usually considered rude (on here) to not invite spouses though?

Now when you're limited to 25 guests and the groom is treating all his siblings' spouses and children equally (i.e. not inviting any of them).

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 25/07/2019 18:59

If he doesn't see your husband as family, then I'm not sure he can expect you to accept his new wife as the same? Pretty sure he'd be quite upset if you left her out of future family events

constantlyseekinghappiness · 25/07/2019 19:05

OP your family sound hellish. I feel sorry for your youngest brother.

He’s clearly organising his wedding the best he can in terms of what they can afford.

It’s not about your or ‘in tears’ SIL or parents who are distraught (despite the fact they’re going)

Good grief!

jennymanara · 25/07/2019 19:08

@icantuckmyboobs Where has this man said he does not see SIL as family?

pallisers · 26/07/2019 00:02

Pretty sure he'd be quite upset if you left her out of future family events

really? I'm pretty sure he won't give a shit. They'll be off with their friends and their cousins (who are possibly closer in age) and her family. They won't really care that his wife isn't invited to her SIL's
let's say - 25th wedding anniversary next year. Probably he won't even want to go either but would to be polite.

He is much younger than the OP and way more than a generation away from his parents. He is living a different life. But he still wants his parents and siblings at his very small wedding. This is one situation where the OP should just take a leaf out of her husband's book and not be bothered about it. And SIL needs to get a grip.

IvanaPee · 26/07/2019 00:52

What’s all this shite about an Irish wedding?

I’m Irish and had 60 people at my wedding.

What makes an “Irish” wedding?

Deadringer · 26/07/2019 01:00

He is your brother, you should be there imo. I am from a massive family and any time numbers are restricted it's a given that immediate family members go and not spouses or dc or whatever. It's not ideal but no way would I miss an occasion like this and my dh would fully understand.

Inthesummertime · 26/07/2019 01:12

It’s their wedding they can do whatever they like. As long as they have have a great day and they have who they want there it’s nothing to do with anyone else. If you don’t like it, don’t go! I applaud him for doing what he wants to do, I tried to people please and regret it 3 years on, nothing major but I just think urgh why did I let people dictate to me.

Deadringer · 26/07/2019 01:16

Reading this back it seems like a storyline of an old Irish soap from donkey's years ago. Do people really still carry on like this?

Aridane · 26/07/2019 10:39

The problem isnt that he is capped on 50, its that he isn't only inviting close friends, but his facebook list! He will regret it in years to come

I doubt he’s inviting a random Facebook driven list! He’ Only inviting c25 people. Take out close/ core family and you’re left with a handful of close friends

KarmaStar · 26/07/2019 11:12

You pointed out he is very young.
He is thinking like a young man so I would not take it personally op.
He doesn't mean to offend anyone.
Either go and enjoy yourself or stay at home and miss his wedding day.
But if you go,go with love and a smile🌸💗

thecatsthecats · 26/07/2019 11:30

He is much younger than the OP and way more than a generation away from his parents. He is living a different life. But he still wants his parents and siblings at his very small wedding.

It's not what I did, but this is also a point to be made.

I'm the youngest of four, my dad is the youngest of six.

My aunts and uncles are all in their late sixties/early seventies. They didn't babysit or spend huge amounts of time with us. My cousins are also all much older. My brother is only 14 years older than me, but he's much more like a young, fun uncle than a brother - I haven't lived with him full time since I was 4.

The age difference is even bigger here! Not all families are the same. My eldest siblings and my aunts and uncles have absolutely no idea about the details of my life - my friends do.

Bumbers · 26/07/2019 12:13

I think your brother is being entirely sensible and reasonable. I think the rest of your family need to grow up a bit! Terrible behaviour.

AngelaScandal · 26/07/2019 15:12

I call my parents Mammy and Daddy

BlueJava · 26/07/2019 17:11

Your PIl and SILs reaction is over the top. Just go and enjoy it if you are available, if not send a.polite refusal and a gift. To be honest it sounds so full of angst I'm surprised they dont just elope.

Bibijayne · 26/07/2019 17:15

I wouldn't go.

Cambionome · 26/07/2019 17:20

OMG.

It's their wedding, let them do whatever they want and reign in your utterly ridiculous hysteria.

BackforGood · 26/07/2019 17:31

I think your db has got this very wrong.
In truth, I think your db and his df have got it wrong. Life isn't like that. You can't expect to have neatly mirrored family numbers, you invite people of equivalent 'closeness'. Sometime you get an only child marrying someone with 5 siblings, or someone with no grandparents marrying someone with 4, or someone with 2 parents marrying someone whose parents have both re-married. You don't invite guests on an "equal number each" basis - that is just bizarre.

However

In terms of 'WWYD', I would go, on my own, as ultimately, my dh wouldn't mind missing a wedding, and, however wrong he has got it, I wouldn't want to miss my brother's wedding.

choli · 26/07/2019 20:13

I'd love an update when Daddy returns from the UK after having it out with the brother but I doubt we'll get it.

Whatisinaname1 · 27/07/2019 12:29

It's pretty obvious he wants a small wedding with his choice of guests otherwise if he did really want all the others he would have considered the gift of money when ordered.

In fairness, you aren't close as siblings let alone with your spouses/kids and you seem quite judgy of his choices. Getting married cheap and intimate, having a job but no career...you don't sound close at all. He's prioritised you and his parents but not your families, he's chosen friends who may well be far closer and more loved then his family members.

The idea of your dad flying out to have words is very controlling, a joke, and i hope your db tells him so. He is acting like the great 'patriarch' going to bring errant kids in line.

Decline if you don't want to go but you should respect your dbs choice even if you wouldnt do yourself.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 27/07/2019 12:34

They're having a wedding within their means and not getting into debt for a dull party. Good for them - they're a lot more sensible that most people these days.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 27/07/2019 12:41

I wouldn't be offended by this. Just go along and support them.

I think this is much better than running up debt early in life by inviting a bunch of people as hangers on, rather than people you personally feel are really important to you.

I love my DH, but I chose him, not my brother. Marrying his sister doesn't make them best life long friends, and that's who your DB is limited to inviting. If my brother made a list of 25 people who meant a lot to him, by the time he listed our parents, siblings, grandparents and his close friends...my DH wouldn't have made the cut. And I doubt DH would care.

Don't ruin this event for your family by being petulant about how you think weddings should be done. Dress up, show up, be a sport and support your brother.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 29/07/2019 10:36

"Mammy and Daddy": really?

This terminology is not uncommon in Indian families*. The words don't have the infantile connotations that they do in the UK.

Not that I know the OP's* cultural background.

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