‘That’s what maternity leave is for’

[Ecclesland]

AIBU to be annoyed at this situation
8month old DS
I’m still on maternity untill September 2nd.
Currently DP works 8-5, very locally. He gets up at 7.
Baby wakes usually about 6.30-7, I asked if he could start doing this feed some mornings- his response was well that’s what maternity leave is for he wants his sleep for work.
AIBU?
For context- he will help when he’s home but generally just by pacifying baby not actually doing any jobs, but I always cook dinner every night do the washing up make sure the dogs walked take older DS to nursery when he’s in and collect,
So am I unreasonable to expect help? What are your routines ?

He's being a dick.

Pp has it correct, get him sorted before you’re back at work and landed with doing everything

YABU. He has to go out to work, you don't. I would be less than impressed if I were your OH.
Discuss the situation when you're back at work yourself.

I agree with him on working days (not a popular MN opinion, I know). On the weekends however he should do more so you can catch up on sleep and rest though, and that includes him doing night feeds.

He's being a knob but you don't have much time to change that. You do, however, have time to sit down together to work out how things will be when you do go back to work.

Make sure when you do that you add some "me time" into your routine for going to the gym, going out for coffee, lazing around eating toffee and watching Netflix. (and same for your DH of course) so that the expectations are clear. That way you can start to manage his expectations of what you will do and when.

If the baby is sleeping through so you're getting decent rest, I don't think the 6:30 feed is a big deal. What is a big deal is whether you're equal partners in parenting and running the house in general. It doesn't sound like you are.

I'm actually on your DHs side. I'm also on maternity leave and do all of the night feeds when DH wil be working the next day. He does the evenings before days he isn't working, e.g. the weekend. We will help each other out if we are particularly tired.

He can't be falling asleep at work the best day but you can take naps.

Ask him to help out with other jobs round the house; sort the washing, take the dog out, cook a meal.

Yy @MrsSiriusBlack1

Mat leave is taking care of child during working hours. The time when 2 parents are home - you’re both taking care of your child...a shared responsibility! Negotiations over timings, sleep etc are reasonable but the childcare and house work are not your ‘job’ round the clock!

*the next day

Agree your DH is a dick. I’m also on mat leave, DH gets up with DS (2years) every morning (any time from half 6 onwards), I get up with DD (4 months) between 7 and 8. He will give DS breakfast and do some washing up, he also does the childminder drop off for DS on the day he goes so I can lie in if needed. He doesn’t often take DD but she’s breastfed so he can’t feed her, but he will change her/dress her etc if needed. He then pretty much takes over child care duties (bath time and playing with DS while holding DD) when he gets home so I can do some chores. Don’t get me wrong he can be super lazy and will avoid housework where he can but child duties he’s pretty good.

I cannot believe people who think YABU. Looking after children is so much more draining than being in the office! He should absolutely be pulling his weight at home, you're not asking for much!

YANBU at all!

YABU. He's at work, you're at home. He's right. Maternity leave is to allow you to recover from birth and take care of the baby.
Obviously when you go back to work you'll both have to be pitching in but for now, why should he have to get up earlier so you can stay in bed?

his response was well that’s what maternity leave is for he wants his sleep for work.

In principle I agree with him. If you’re on mat leave you can have a nap later in the day, or just zone out on the sofa. I’d say the same regardless of which parent takes the parental leave.

I'm with DH on this one too.. when on maternity leave it was my responsibility to get up with her at any time - and 6.30 would have been a luxurious lie in!

Looking after children is so much more draining than being in the office!

Not necessarily. And certainly not in my experience. Being at work was/is far far harder than looking after a baby.

He's being selfish. You don't want to start changing who does what in September, it will be far harder for you and the baby. Make these changes over the summer so that care is more equal.

I used to sleep in a different room sometimes with our 2nd born who was a nightmare at sleeping when dh had to work the next day as it only seemed fair.

Dh helped on his days off though

He does have a job where he needs to be alert though and I'd have felt awful if something had happened to him!

Sorry i agree with your husband too.

I completely agree with him on working days.

But no one knows the context, maternity leave or not, most couples are still a team, you help each other.

YANBU!

So am I unreasonable to expect help?

Yes you are. It’s his child, doesn’t he want to be involved? Jeez

It’s not help. He’s the child’s father ffs.

So what is his plan for when you are back at work? Presumably he will be splitting all childcare at home 50/50?

Not necessarily. And certainly not in my experience. Being at work was/is far far harder than looking after a baby.

could not agree more - and I've had 4.

@Daffodil2018
So you expect him to do two jobs as opposed to the OPs one then?
Being at home with the kids isn't more draining than being in the office when you have to conform and a boss breathing down your neck, I can assure you, and I've done both.

Also, some big assumptions made by pp. Not everyone gets to nap or rest much - some babies want to be held or walked to sleep. I had no time to nap with my dd - I was often found walking her round the park or bf and holding her instead. And when I had a free moment I was doing loads of washing or doing a food shop. All babies are different.