‘That’s what maternity leave is for’

[Ecclesland]

AIBU to be annoyed at this situation
8month old DS
I’m still on maternity untill September 2nd.
Currently DP works 8-5, very locally. He gets up at 7.
Baby wakes usually about 6.30-7, I asked if he could start doing this feed some mornings- his response was well that’s what maternity leave is for he wants his sleep for work.
AIBU?
For context- he will help when he’s home but generally just by pacifying baby not actually doing any jobs, but I always cook dinner every night do the washing up make sure the dogs walked take older DS to nursery when he’s in and collect,
So am I unreasonable to expect help? What are your routines ?

Whilst I was on maternity my dh did the night feeds Friday through to Sunday night. He did so because both ours were terrible sleepers and he could see I was on my knees, regardless of whether I was on mat leave or not. It came from a place of wanting to share the load and make things a bit easier for his wife! We have a great split of chores and childcare that works well for us as a couple but you need to talk to each other. Discuss your expectations and meet in the middle, for example a few nights a week he puts the kids to bed so you can do chores and vice versa. Get him to cook at weekends so you get a bit of a break.

It isn't really a debate of who has it harder, you being home and him at work. In my opinion it is more about both of you coming to an agreement to share the load of family life. If you don't your resentment will only increase and that will have negative consequences for your family, so why not bite the bullet and come to a better agreement now?

I think he's right that as you're at home and baby is no longer new born, you should be picking up a the bulk of the chores, but not everything and he should certainly be making the most of the opportunity to care for his child when he is there.

you can't compare the 2.

Why not?

YANBU- if i were you stop cooking and cleaning....remind him that you are on mat leave, your job 24/7 is to look after the baby...nothing else.

Interesting how looking after a baby is simultaneously really hard and really easy.

If she’s doing it - it’s really easy, of course you can be on duty 24/7, just nap or relax on the sofa if you’re tired, that’s what maternity leave is for.

If he’s doing it - it’s really hard, so hard that of course he can’t even do half an hour of it before starting work.

@53rdWay well said

Actually amused at all these men who have apparently managed to convince their other halves that they couldn't possibly get up 30 mins earlier and go to work 'mentally unprepared' of course it's Mumsnet so everyone is a brain surgeon who will kill someone if they have to actually parent for 30 mins before work.

This does make me appreciate my DP even more, though!

I agree with your DH too.

But only while you are on maternity leave. If you go back to work, then things have to change and then it's 50-50 depending on circumstances (you say he works very locally so he doesn't have a tiring and time-consuming commute).

And nobody "convinced" me of anything by the way. It seemed common sense to me that once DH went back to work after ds was born, he had to perform on all cylinders. Nobody makes allowances for new dads. And he did have a time-consuming commute.

I on the other hand, could structure my day as I wanted, nap when baby napped, and had 7 months off work to look after baby and nothing else.

So during the week I did the bulk of the childcare. It did help that ds was a good sleeper, thing might have been different if he'd woken up every 2 hours.

He gets up at 7 so he can get ready for work, mentally and physically

without knowing what the OPs other half does this statement is pretty silly. I work in an office, I dont need to "prepare" myself for work mentally - i just need to get dressed and get going.

Being at work in my opinion is far far easier than looking after a baby. Work is like a break!

Surely this is entirely dependent on what you do for work? You can’t generalise.

Op it does sound like you might need a fairer split of the household jobs, especially in the evening.

I find that wrangling a toddler is the perfect way to prepare for dealing with some of my colleagues.

I'm largely sympathetic to the DH but not to anyone who thinks they need quiet time to prepare mentally for a day at work, especially not if they have a commute.

Nobody makes allowances for new dads.

What allowances does a new dad need in this instance when OP is doing 100% of the childcare and house work in the week and evenings and is asking for 30 minutes help in the mornings. He's barely a new dad - his life hasn't changed.

I would have thought that was what maternity leave was for. I work full time but on each of my maternity leaves I took care of the house and the kids.

Awful lot of martyrs on here. Oh no the precious man must not miss out on half an hours sleep a couple of times a week because he must do his precious job

He's being a dick OP, of course he can get up half an hour earlier to feed his own baby so you can sleep a little longer. Dh used to get up early, feed and change the baby and put them back down to sleep before going to work at least once a week when they were little, never had to ask him.

Thankyou for all the responses!
A lot of different views.
More info which I missed-
Baby sleeps 7.15- morning wake up.
I always do bed time really but it isn’t hard put baby in cot walk out - flat out within 2 min
I do the dream feed at 10- I did ask him to do this too but he likes an early night some times
He works in an office job
Not high up no major responsibilities
I do completely understand I am on maternity, but I think I just feel abit deflated that he gets in from work at 5.15 gets fed his tea and doesn’t move off sofa till bed time.
Meanwhile I make sure tea is ready everyday, I make his lunch everyday, I do all washing cleaning ironing household jobs, I cut the grass and maintain the garden, I walk the dog everyday- somedays if I haven’t had chance during the day I have to wait till baby is in bed and take him then which is my biggest annoyance- I know DP will want to ‘ chill ‘
DS4 wakes up about 7.30, so I’m always up before him, make his breakfast etc and I take him nursery when he’s in

My husband does the morning feed 90% of the time. Our baby is seven months old. He wants to spend an hour with the baby before work.
He usually puts him to bed as well.
He understands how physically tiring it is and wants to give me a break.
He is encouraging me to have a night out with my friends and stay over, so I can have a proper decent break.
Reading some of the comments on here, I think I've married a diamond!

Also I’m probably grumpy atm because we’ve hit an 8 month sleep regression. Crying out every morning at 3am

"Nobody makes allowances for new dads."

You're right, we had one phone in sick last week as he was exhausted after being up all night. No-one was very impressed.

Yanbu.

He's got six weeks to get his act together until you go back to work. Best start now.

he gets in from work at 5.15 gets fed his tea and doesn’t move off sofa till bed time.

Wow, he’s got it made.

I don't think that maternity leave is for men with young babies to have an easier life so YANBU. This question always divides people as some seem to find being at home easier than work whereas for others it is the other way around. As someone who would have loved to have gone back to work while DH stayed at home, I think I would have throttled him if he made the comment your DH did.

YABU. He has a point.
If you were both back at work then YANBU
That said, he should be picking up some of the slack when he gets home/weekends/days off
You must also have a plan in place for when you go back to work...who does what.