‘That’s what maternity leave is for’

[Ecclesland]

AIBU to be annoyed at this situation
8month old DS
I’m still on maternity untill September 2nd.
Currently DP works 8-5, very locally. He gets up at 7.
Baby wakes usually about 6.30-7, I asked if he could start doing this feed some mornings- his response was well that’s what maternity leave is for he wants his sleep for work.
AIBU?
For context- he will help when he’s home but generally just by pacifying baby not actually doing any jobs, but I always cook dinner every night do the washing up make sure the dogs walked take older DS to nursery when he’s in and collect,
So am I unreasonable to expect help? What are your routines ?

ETA - Chairbed was for me to sleep in with DS so DH didn’t have to get up.

Sorry, it’s early

This debate is derailing the thread a bit so sorry for that OP. Essentially most people (despite where the stand on mat leave being comparable to a job or not) thinks your partner should be doing more at home. But, the morning feed may not be the issue to tackle first though as opinion on that is split. Cooking, bed time, bath time etc might be the ones to address first.

Not rtft but soon you will be back at work and possibly doing it all with no-one looking after your precious sleep. I think it's a good idea to have those back to work discussions now and put the plan in action. I did most things on mat leave as I was breastfeeding and had 2 babies that didn't settle for Dh. Had he been more confident and taken more opportunities to spend time with them i think they would have settled.

I have not had an unbroken nights sleep in 5 years and one child gets up at 4.30am. I still manage to go and do my demanding job ( with commute) out the house for 12hours and all the housework that comes with it. I didn't appreciate that whilst on mat leave 1st time- of course working partner should be pulling thier weight!

Your baby isn't the immaculate conception. Frankly, your DP shouldn't need to be asked to do things for him - he should be doing them already off his own bat, seeing as he's the child's father. But he won't because he's in a cushy position, getting waited on hand and foot, which he'll probably expect even after you've gone back to work. He's going to have to pull his finger out.

He ought to be at least feeding or bathing his child daily to bond.

He ought to be at least cooking for his partner sometimes per week.

He ought to be self-sufficient for his own lunches and stuff

He ought to be doing 25-50% domestic chores (50 after mat leave)

It is these sorts of posts that lead SAHMs to write a load of shite on their cvs about negotiation, cooking skills and home management rather than just acknowledging that they have been on a break to look after their children (which is valuable as an end in itself).

A break! Gahajahahaaaaaa
I’ll ask you again, are nannies and childminders having a break all day?

A break! Gahajahahaaaaaa
I’ll ask you again, are nannies and childminders having a break all day?

A career break you nincompoop, or do you think that a surgeons skills get better by being on leave? No, of course not, neither do other skills.

@AguerosAngel that's actually mental that she would expect a recovering mother and newborn baby to sleep in a rickety need chair I thought at first you were going to say she bought the chair for herself so she could help out in the night to pick up DH's slack which would still be crazy but at least well meant. I bet you have loads of great stories about your MIL.

I’ll ask you again, are nannies and childminders having a break all day?
Parenting your own child is no more comparable to being a professionally qualified childcare worker than cooking your own meals makes you a chef, paying your own bills and doing the books makes you an accountant, cleaning your own house makes you a cleaner.

People can and should make the right choice for them and their families. Talking things up (as happens on MN sometimes, e.g. I didn't realise 'household admin' was a job that took hours of my life every week) doesn't help because it looks ridiculous. Equally, suggesting people who stay at home do nothing isn't helpful either. Being a SAHP is a break from the workplace. It doesn't mean it's easy.

YABU re. mornings but he should be joining in as soon as he gets home, not sitting on the sofa whilst you run around after him. He should also be making more effort on a weekend to give you a break (unless he already does but it doesn’t sound like it!).

Looking after a baby all day is draining, it’s not like going to work though and I don’t like that comparison, it is hard though. You shouldn’t be doing everything just because he leaves the house for work.

A break! Gahajahahaaaaaa
I’ll ask you again, are nannies and childminders having a break all day?*

Quite clearly that references a break from the workplace. And it is different looking after your own child to being a nanny or working in a nursery. I don’t have to do paperwork, take any qualifications in early years. If I want, I can sit us all in front of the tele and have a lazy day in our pjs. There are far higher expectations on paid childcare staff than on parents.

I wouldn’t describe Mat leave as a break as such but it’s definitely the easier of the two parenting roles (assuming the other works FT) when children very young. Unless you have MH difficulties or baby is particularly difficult. And I remember first mat leave as a doddle - one very easy baby and a year of coffee mornings. Much easier than being a lawyer.

A career break you nincompoop, or do you think that a surgeons skills get better by being on leave? No, of course not, neither do other skills.
Lol don’t think I’ve been called a nincompoop before

Clearly they were saying that looking after children is a ‘break’ which I fundamentally disagree with and find insulting. I did not spend all day laying around watching tv, in fact have never done that since having children.

If I want, I can sit us all in front of the tele and have a lazy day in our pjs. There are far higher expectations on paid childcare staff than on parents.

Well maybe I just hold myself to higher expectations then. Certainly don’t spend any time lazing in front of the tv but sounds great!

OP, I'm wondering if you ever discussed parental leave with him? A 9-5 office job where he's not that senior is exactly the sort of role where he should be able to take it.

Did he ever consider being the SAHP, even for a few months? I'm guessing he knows well that if he did, he couldn't maintain that that role has to do all the grunt work...

Maybe ask him to do the evening/bedtime feeds/routine or have baby for an hr when he gets home instead, so you can catch a nap or catch up on housework, 1on 1with older kids or whatever. Or ask him to take this feed in turns.. Being tired is awful whether your at home with the baby or at work but parenting and household chores is not just 'your job' its a joint effort, takes two to tango, but he does need his sleep for work, that is very true so that early feed maybe a tad unfair, if he is unwilling to pull his weight at other times though, wont actually look after baby at all (even if its just giving baby a bath and getting them ready for bed or whatever) or do any chores then he is being unfair.. I try not to wake my other half up, (he works in mechanical handling and being too tired for work could be potentially fatal and i breastfeed so there isn't much he can do) but quite often he will change our baby's bum while i go to toilet and then he'll go back to sleep while i feed baby and settle her down, he'll also do any chores that still need doing by the time he gets home or anything i ask him to do but then i'll do whatever he needs me to do too, if baby gives me chance.. Its a shared responsibility, teamwork.. My oldest is to a different man and when i was with him he expected me to do everything for baby with no shared responsibility or help and expected me to do all chores, keep the house spotless (even though he would trash it every night) and have tea on the table for him getting in, he was a deadbeat and turned out to be abusive and now has no contact what so ever (this attitude started from me being about 6months pregnant) so glad my hubby now (together 10yrs) is not like that because relationships and good parenting are an equal partnership..

I wouldn’t describe Mat leave as a break as such but it’s definitely the easier of the two parenting roles (assuming the other works FT) when children very young. Unless you have MH difficulties or baby is particularly difficult. And I remember first mat leave as a doddle - one very easy baby and a year of coffee mornings. Much easier than being a lawyer.

@zzzzzzzz12345 Seriously? I was a lawyer with intense hours in the city before first mat leave and returned to work full time. I found work easier, so much so that I went back early (when baby was 7 months). And I'm going back at 6 months second time around. Just goes to show that not everyone has the same experience so you shouldn't speak for everyone.

HenSolo Good for you but the point is you could if you wanted to but a child care professional couldn’t. As it happens, I don’t either other than when everyone is sick.

It's interesting that men need their sleep to go to work, but when I went back to work (same job) with a breastfed older baby who still woke me multiple times in the night, I wasn't deemed to need sleep in order to work. must be the vagina that kept me going, there's no other reason.

Same here, Iggi999. Weird how that works.

Quite. It would be funny if it wasn't so unfair.

My partner leaves for work around 8am and our LO is up at 6.45. He does every morning feed while I have a shower and get stuff sorted for the day, he also helps with evening feeds and housework.

He's a lazy cunt OP.
I am utterly aghast at some of the stepford wives on here, no wonder equality is stalling.

I didn't realise 'household admin' was a job that took hours of my life every week

Stuff like this really annoys me - just because it doesn’t take hours for you doesn’t mean it doesn’t take that long for someone else.

I am essentially a PA to my children’s medical needs. I have twins and between them they have appointments with;
3 paediatricians
1 endocrinologist
1 opthalmologist
1 allergy nurse
1 dietician
1 paediatric nurse
2 portage practitioners
2 speech and language therapists
1 occupational therapist

Then on top of that one off appointments for blood tests, scans, other tests, on top of other general illnesses and injuries that all kids get. Chasing up missing appointments, rescheduling clashing appointments, ordering repeat prescriptions etc.

This year I’ve applied for DLA twice, 2 x blue badge applications. I’ve just started 2 x EHCP applications. Sorting out funded nursery hours and a nursery, updating tax credits each time something changes (which is frequently). Just about to contact the council to get assessed for a disabled facilities grant. Applying to charities for other grants, equipment loans, tracking down equipment they need, learning the basics of SALT and OT myself so I can help as much as possible, reading the giant manual for the communication system they’re learning, attending courses on that, cutting down sodding ring binders with a bloody scalpel to the right size and laminating, printing, cutting out and rounding the corners of photo cards for everything my kids might want, etc.

I tried to delegate just getting DH to buy some cream and compatible dressings from the pharmacy and they sold him the wrong dressings... and this is why I end up doing everything myself.

This is on top of the general household admin that everyone has to do (online food shops, insurance, paying bills, sorting out a remortgage etc). And actually caring for two disabled children. And my part time job.

So I should be the sort of person who scoffs when others say they’re drowning in admin, but in reality I understand that some of us have more than others.

I’ve had highly pressured, highly paid jobs with less of a mental load than parenting my twins. The difference then was I got holiday and sick days, and a sizeable income for all my hard work.

So everyone saying that parenting is a piece of piss compared to working should frankly be bloody grateful that they’ve been dealt an easier hand than others, and they should realise that this is the case.

Iggi999
You could express and share the night feeds.

I think if one person is at home and the other is working then it's fair for the person at home to do the night stuff.

The working parent should pull their weight when they get in, be involved in bathtime, bedtime, evening house stuff.

Once both parents are working, they need to find a way that works for them. It might be that one still does the night feeds if breastfeeding but the other should be doing closer to 50/50 because both are working out the house.

In my opinion the issue in the OP isn't the morning feed (but I do think she I BU expecting him to do it when she's off work), and more the fact that he appears to be a man child who doesn't pull his weight in other areas.