Page 11 | ‘That’s what maternity leave is for’

Ecclesland · 2019-07-24T13:36:14+00:00

AIBU to be annoyed at this situation 8month old DS I’m still on maternity untill September 2nd. Currently DP works 8-5, very locally. He gets up at 7. Baby wakes usually about 6.30-7, I asked if he could start doing this feed some mornings- his response was well that’s what maternity leave is for he wants his sleep for work. AIBU? For context- he will help when he’s home but generally just by pacifying baby not actually doing any jobs, but I always cook dinner every night do the washing up make sure the dogs walked take older DS to nursery when he’s in and collect, So am I unreasonable to expect help? What are your routines ?

Dungeondragon15 · 25/07/2019 10:20

I think if one person is at home and the other is working then it's fair for the person at home to do the night stuff.

I totally disagree with that. Obviously it depends on what job, but there shouldn't usually be a situation where the person on maternity leave is incredibly sleep deprived while the person who works out of the house is getting a full nights sleep.

ReeReeR · 25/07/2019 10:23

I agree with your DH you should do night or morning feeds on days he is working

Perhaps he can help with other things like dinner or washing up when he gets home from work. It’s not fair if you are on the go from morning ‘til night and he just puts his feet up from 5pm

Dungeondragon15 · 25/07/2019 10:23

It's interesting that men need their sleep to go to work, but when I went back to work (same job) with a breastfed older baby who still woke me multiple times in the night, I wasn't deemed to need sleep in order to work. must be the vagina that kept me going, there's no other reason.

That's what I always think on threads such as these. I sometimes wonder if extended maternity leave has been a step back for women in some respects. When we only got four months it was expected that people worked while having to get up in the night. I don't remember anyone arguing that the poor menz couldn't possibly do a days work without 8 hours sleep but now many people seem to.

SinkGirl · 25/07/2019 10:26

Yeah, I’m not sure why my DH would have been deemed more in need of sleep than me - he was in charge of code for some websites and I was in charge of preemie twins.

The idea that the working person’s sleep is sacred, but the person in charge of a defenceless baby who could literally die if you fell asleep at the wrong time? They can manage just fine on no sleep, apparently.

It’s bizarre.

twixorsnickers · 25/07/2019 10:28

He sounds like a lazy shit. I'd stop making his tea and lunches everyday etc. You're not his bloody maid.

LolaSmiles · 25/07/2019 10:29

Dungeondragon15
Could the person working not come in from work and take over parenting duties so the person at home can have a nap, relax, time to themselves?
Could the person who's working not do the last pre-bed feed so the person at home gets to bed earlier?

The main issue is when one half of the couple isn't pulling their weight.

LolaSmiles · 25/07/2019 10:32

I'd stop making his tea and lunches everyday etc. You're not his bloody maid.
This ^^

He needs to step up all round. It's a bigger issue than a few night feeds

HenSolo · 25/07/2019 10:33

HenSolo Good for you but the point is you could if you wanted to but a child care professional couldn’t. As it happens, I don’t either other than when everyone is sick.

Then why mention it?

BossAssBitch · 25/07/2019 10:35

Looking after children is so much more draining than being in the office!

Depends on what you do. I know my office-based job is far more stressful and draining than looking after a baby!

Anyat212 · 25/07/2019 10:43

This thread is crazy! You’d think the OP asked her DH to do every feed throughout the night (for at least 4 years) and to simply survive on 20 minutes sleep every single night!

It’s 30, yes 30 minutes.. to literally feed DC and put them down. I’m assuming from OP that DH does go to bed at a reasonable time and doesn’t wake up to do any feeds throughout the night. So why the fuck is he incapable of getting up 30 minutes early to fed his precious DC? For Christ sake his dinner break will be longer than that, this is how ridiculous it sounds. It’s 30 bloody minutes. He’s having a good solid sleep every night, as he’s not getting up.

I’m on mat leave now and my DC is 4 months old, my DP usually does the morning feed if she wakes up between 5.30-6.30 as he will be awake getting ready. If it falls out of those hours I’ll do it. He usually goes to bed around 10ish and he’s fine. What a miracle of a man eh? He’s managed to feed his DC before going to work. Mind blown.

OP - you seriously need to stop doing everything though! That is insane that he just slobs around after work and expects you to run after him. No wonder you’re exhausted. I do hope you have a conversation with him and lay it out re: how unfair this is.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/07/2019 10:45

Could the person working not come in from work and take over parenting duties so the person at home can have a nap, relax, time to themselves?

Could the person who is working not come home and have a nap, relax so that they are able to get up at least once in the night. Why do evening duties have to be shared but never night time ones?

Could the person who's working not do the last pre-bed feed so the person at home gets to bed earlier?

Again, could the person who is working not go to bed earlier so they could get up in the night at least once.

The main issue is when one half of the couple isn't pulling their weight.

But why does the working person only have to pull their weight during the evening and not during the night?

luckylavender · 25/07/2019 10:52

I agree with your DH

LolaSmiles · 25/07/2019 11:16

Dungeondragon15
Because common sense says the person who is at home all day as greater flexibility for sitting down and resting than the person who is working.

If the working person went to bed earlier to help with night feeds there'd be another thread bashing them for not doing their bit and expecting the person at home to do the evening stuff.

Literally, any parent who works whilst the other stays home can only appease some elements of MN if they take the view that during the day the at home parent only has to have the child in those hours, not do anything else in the house and then from the second they get in from work until the minute they go back they should do the childcare to give the at home parent a break and 50% of the house stuff whilst being in awe of how difficult a day's parenting has been.

Unless of course the at home parent is dad. In those situations dad must do chores during the day, and childcare and be grateful to his partner for keeping a roof over his head. Failure to do all of the above daily makes him a cocklodger.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/07/2019 11:33

Because common sense says the person who is at home all day as greater flexibility for sitting down and resting than the person who is working.

Common sense would tell you that not only is every job and every baby different, but also that not everyone just has one child. Not everyone with a baby has an opportunity to "rest" or "nap" during the day particularly if they have older children. Some people who work do have the opportunity to rest just as much. People on maternity leave may well have to get up and drive an older child etc etc.

If the working person went to bed earlier to help with night feeds there'd be another thread bashing them for not doing their bit and expecting the person at home to do the evening stuff.

That is rubbish. You might bash them but some of us would much prefer a partner who shared everything once they were home. Why on earth is it preferable to share evening work but never get up in the night than to share everything once they are home?

Literally, any parent who works whilst the other stays home can only appease some elements of MN if they take the view that during the day the at home parent only has to have the child in those hours, not do anything else in the house and then from the second they get in from work until the minute they go back they should do the childcare to give the at home parent a break and 50% of the house stuff whilst being in awe of how difficult a day's parenting has been.

Again that is rubbish. When I was on maternity leave I just expected to share the work when DH was home. Noone expects them to do everything.

53rdWay · 25/07/2019 11:49

The reason many of us don't have endless barrels of sympathy for 'the working parent' is that we've BEEN the working parent. So we know how hard we personally found it compared to mat leave, we know what it's like to get up in the morning and head to work after a broken night's sleep, we know how tiring it is to get through the door after a day's work and have a ton of cooking and housework and bedtimes and tantrums ahead of us.

It's not easy. But it's doable, when you split the tasks between you.

The DP here is doing NOTHING. He gets in at half-past five and puts his feet up. He isn't doing the cleaning, the cooking, the childcare. He isn't even making his own fecking lunch for the next day. That is actually having it pretty easy, yes.

Teddybear45 · 25/07/2019 11:53

Maternity leave should be about parents developing a shared routine that works when both partners return to work. What OP’s DP is doing is basically setting himself up for an easy life when OP returns to work by doing nothing, which is wrong. This isn’t the fifties any more and both partners are working!

LannieDuck · 25/07/2019 12:23

Because common sense says the person who is at home all day as greater flexibility for sitting down and resting than the person who is working.

You can't be serious with that comment. Maybe some babies are easy and can be put down so the SAHP can have a rest - my DD1 was a bit like that. DD2... not so much. She was a little kling-on. I literally couldn't put her down to pop to the loo without a full on screaming fit. She wouldn't play by herself with her toys. If I tried to leave her in the middle of the floor with bricks or duplo, she'd wail and crawl back over to me. She napped so badly during the day that I got perhaps 20 mins of her sleeping (after at least 20 mins of being rocked in her moses basket) before she was awake again.

In those 20 mins I had to go to the toilet and try to squeeze in a cup of tea, then she was awake again. I got PND and it magically vanished at the end of my mat leave when I started back to work.

...which may have been because at work I could go to the toilet whenever I needed to, have a cup of tea as often as I pleased, engage in adult conversation, actually sit quietly and think about something for 5 mins without being interrupted, concentrate on a task for an hour and feel as if I'd achieved something during the day.

How easy your work is, and how easy your baby is varies massively. Assuming someone on mat leave can sit around and relax any time they feel like it is really unhelpful. I suspect it's why so many WOH fathers expect housework to be completed and dinner on the table when they get in.

HenSolo · 25/07/2019 12:23

*Yeah, I’m not sure why my DH would have been deemed more in need of sleep than me - he was in charge of code for some websites and I was in charge of preemie twins.

The idea that the working person’s sleep is sacred, but the person in charge of a defenceless baby who could literally die if you fell asleep at the wrong time? They can manage just fine on no sleep, apparently.*

This is it!

Also I have noticed that with my friends who are SAHP - if the man is the SAHP the woman comes home from work and does 50/50 of childcare/housework/night wakings. Whereas if it is the woman who is the SAHP the man in a lot of cases expects to come home and put his feet up. So I’m afraid as far as I’m concerned , in my experience this is very much a sexism issue. A hangover from a bygone era. Even though I’m about to be told my lived experience is wrong...

Chakano · 25/07/2019 12:27

It's not rocket science.
maternity is caring for your child, playing, teaching, the same as would happen in nursery.
Yes, if you can fit in housework and/ or a nap then great, priority is baby though. So when the partner comes home man or wife they need to muck in with what's left to do for the day.

73Sunglasslover · 25/07/2019 18:18

Also I have noticed that with my friends who are SAHP - if the man is the SAHP the woman comes home from work and does 50/50 of childcare/housework/night wakings. Whereas if it is the woman who is the SAHP the man in a lot of cases expects to come home and put his feet up. So I’m afraid as far as I’m concerned , in my experience this is very much a sexism issue. A hangover from a bygone era. Even though I’m about to be told my lived experience is wrong...

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Just wanted to balance things up and let you know that I totally agree! I have never met a woman who thinks that because she works she's done her bit by 6pm. I know some men who also get it, but far too many who don't.