‘That’s what maternity leave is for’

[Ecclesland]

AIBU to be annoyed at this situation
8month old DS
I’m still on maternity untill September 2nd.
Currently DP works 8-5, very locally. He gets up at 7.
Baby wakes usually about 6.30-7, I asked if he could start doing this feed some mornings- his response was well that’s what maternity leave is for he wants his sleep for work.
AIBU?
For context- he will help when he’s home but generally just by pacifying baby not actually doing any jobs, but I always cook dinner every night do the washing up make sure the dogs walked take older DS to nursery when he’s in and collect,
So am I unreasonable to expect help? What are your routines ?

My husband was up at 7 for work too but still did the breakfast bottle/breakfast as i did any night feeds

YANBU. You already are looking after the baby when he’s at work, which is what maternity leave is for. You shouldn’t have to be doing all the baby stuff 24/7 while he worke 9-5. How’s that fair?

My dh has always shared the load of parenting during the hours we are both home exactly the same whether I've been on mat leave or not. Obviously, if you are at home, your job is to do everything solo during the day, just like it's his job to do everything solo at work without your help in the office. During your off hours, it's shared, according to who is most able to do what at the time.

Now during my mat leaves, I did do a bit more of the nighttime parenting as I didn't have to use my brain quite as much during the day. When I needed the extra support though, dh stepped in. Same with morning wakings, we each do our bit according to who needs the sleep more. If dh was busy at work and I was at home (and otherwise well rested), I would get up and do the early mornings. If I wasn't as well rested, regardless of dh's schedule, he would get up and do the early mornings. I'm back to work now, but it's the same. We each get up about half the week depending on who was up more the night before, who is feeling ill, who has a more stressful day ahead. There has to be a balance. It shouldn't be all on one person, but it does have to work around everyone's needs at the moment.

And for the record, I don't think being at work is any more exhausting than being at home with small children. I've done both. Personally, I think being at home with children is much more draining, especially if you are also doing the nights and early mornings. But it's also possible to have a stressful day at work that is much more stressful than being at home.

I agree with your DH. That IS what maternity leave is for. Or dyou want him to lose his job?

DP takes DD at 6.30/7 every morning until he leaves for work at about 8.30 so I can have a nap if I want or just have some time to have breakfast and spend some time to myself. I don't think it's too much to ask personally - but he doesn't do night feeds as I BF so he gets a nice long chunk of sleep. Plus he finds childcare way harder than work

He’s not going to lose his job by getting up at 6.30 rather than 7, don’t be silly.

What time does your older DS get up and does your DP get him breakfast, get him ready or does DP just have the luxury of being able to get himself ready in the morning?

I can’t believe the responses on Mumsnet about sharing parental responsibilities sometimes at 6:30 in the morning. Presumably you are at home with both baby and toddler/preschooler some of the days. Definitely easier being at work in my experience!

YABU. He gets up at 7 so he can get ready for work, mentally and physically, and that should be his priority at that time of day. Expect him to help in the evenings, but not before work.

To those saying that's what maternity leave is for, please can you confirm OP's working hours. Presumably 8am-6pm is for OP to work at home and for her husband to work outside of home.

Outside of those hours any extra house work/ childcare left over is only fair to split. If OP does all night shifts- that's not her responsibility, that's get being extra considerate to her husband. He should be thankful. OP is asking for 30 minutes in the week outside of working hours where her husband takes care of the baby, how is this unreasonable? I can guarantee if it wasn't childcare but a hobby that required waking up at 6.30am, OP's husband wouldn't have a problem making that commitment.

It's not ok for the OP to be on call 24 hours a day while her husband has it easy.

OP, I hope you're going back to work full time and if you are, I hope you reallocate chores and childcare 50/50. Your husband will be in for a shock.

YANBU op

The people saying he shouldn’t be ‘helping’ with his own child because he has to work - YABU

I had no time to nap with my dd - I was often found walking her round the park or bf and holding her instead. And when I had a free moment I was doing loads of washing or doing a food shop. All babies are different.

I use a sling to walk my baby to sleep whilst I am doing some chores, quick online shop, and sleep if I need to, even if it is 10 mins. House work unfortunately takes a back seat over me being a zombie.

Does he get up at the weekend? Not really any point in trying to figure out who has it harder, as it will always depend on the baby, the job, what is happening that day etc. He may well need rest for work during the week but you should both have equal opportunities to relax at the weekend.

Getting up at 6:30 is hardly early though, so it seems a bit lame that he can't do one during the week to give you a break. When you're back at work it should be 50:50 though!

I’m on mat leave with a newborn and toddler. It is draining and exhausting and if my DP refused to pitch in and co-parent I’d bury him under the patio.

Some days I’m so exhausted I want to cry.

Managing a toddler who thinks sleep is for the weak and a velcro baby who wants to constantly be on boob is earth shatteringly exhausting.

Work inn comparison is a piece of piss.

Unless your P is working insane hours and waking at 6 will put others lives in danger he needs to step up.

Sit him down and split tasks with him. You need downtime also.

Oh he also does the majority of cooking and at least 50% of the housework, if not more. At weekends he has the baby solo a fair amount if I need to catch up on sleep or have bits to do. As he should - he's her father and just as much a parent as I am. I don't think he'd dream of saying anything about lack of sleep - if your partner isn't getting up in the night at all then presumably he's getting a good eight hours every night if he's going to bed at a decent time! Mine only gets about six but manages perfectly fine.

@putthetellyon waking up at 6.30am is a burden so great it will cause a grown functioning man to lose his job? why do so many mumsnet users infantalise grown men?

To those saying that's what maternity leave is for, please can you confirm OP's working hours. Presumably 8am-6pm is for OP to work at home and for her husband to work outside of home.

you can't compare the 2.

My ex said those exact words when I begged him for help when dd was a tiny baby and I was poorly and couldn’t do the cooking one evening. It reflects badly on me that that’s not the reason he’s an ex

Ew @FlamedToACrisp he has to prepare for work mentally??

And looking after a baby is proven to be mentally untaxing amirite

Actually I think you are being unreasonable . I had 4 children and would never have expected DH to do stuff I could do while he was at work .
Ok getting up in the night can be hardwork , but I cant remember having a great impact on me , you just get used to it . In between sorting out kids , cooking a dinner , feeding kids at lunch time , and being very time efficient when covering other housework stuff , I had loads of time to do just as I pleased , It was bloody great .....every day I would be out visiting friends ( or vice versa ) mooching round the shops , the park , or whatever else ( I have probably forgotten the times with whining kids and fighting lol ) .
My husband on the other hand got up early , worked as many hours overtime as he could , in a job he didnt really enjoy , because he put us first , which Is why I always made sure he had a cooked meal when he came home

And I went back into full time work when they got older

I mean, he has to go to work so I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to want to get his sleep

Regardless of maternity leave you shouldn't be cooking AND washing up, or doing all the domestic jobs.

Re. the early morning feed it depends I suppose on how the baby sleeps overnight – do you desperately need the extra bit of sleep with lots of wakeups, or is it to give you energy to power through the day with a baby and what sounds like 100% of the domestic responsibility? It's not unreasonable to ask him to get up half an hour earlier than usual, nor is 6.30 a wildly unsociable hour that will ruin his sleep for work unless he's going to bed stupidly late. Equally you could do the morning feed and your DH could pull his finger out and make dinner or wash it up; you're working too, childcare is work.

That IS what maternity leave is for though. Unless I am missing something here? Of course, should you return to work then things would need to change, but he should 100% be able to get his sleep & not have to do childcare before work. Can't believe this is even being questioned!

Hmm I think I agree with your husband. He’s got to go to wrk etc

Being at work in my opinion is far far easier than looking after a baby. Work is like a break!

In fact if he's not even getting up in the night then he can jog on. If he goes to bed at 10.30, then he can get eight hours of sleep before getting up at 6.30! If my DP complained about eight hours of sleep in a row then he'd be given short shrift my DP goes to bed at 1 and manages to get up at 7 every day (although he doesn't need that much sleep, but eight hours should be plenty sufficient!)