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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘That’s what maternity leave is for’

270 replies

Ecclesland · 24/07/2019 14:36

AIBU to be annoyed at this situation
8month old DS
I’m still on maternity untill September 2nd.
Currently DP works 8-5, very locally. He gets up at 7.
Baby wakes usually about 6.30-7, I asked if he could start doing this feed some mornings- his response was well that’s what maternity leave is for he wants his sleep for work.
AIBU?
For context- he will help when he’s home but generally just by pacifying baby not actually doing any jobs, but I always cook dinner every night do the washing up make sure the dogs walked take older DS to nursery when he’s in and collect,
So am I unreasonable to expect help? What are your routines ?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 24/07/2019 15:30

What were things like before the chiLaren?

PurpleDaisies · 24/07/2019 15:30

Children^

Bluebelltulip · 24/07/2019 15:34

I would be more annoyed about him doing nothing around the house than not wanting to get up early. You are not working as a team at all. Maternity leave is to look after the child not become a house keeper. The way we do it and are both happy with is this, it is my job to look after DD while DH is at work, I do the house work I can, what's left gets split between us when we are both at home. The more house work I do in the day the more time we have to do stuff as a family. I would definitely be talking to him about how things will be split once you return to work.

Celebelly · 24/07/2019 15:34

he gets in from work at 5.15 gets fed his tea and doesn’t move off sofa till bed time

Ridiculous. My DP comes home, spends time with baby as he's not seen her all day, then I feed baby while he cooks dinner for us, I put baby to bed while he clears up, and then we spend evening together.

It seems like some people think a man's life shouldn't change when he has children? But it's ok for a woman's life to be completely different.

@Liverbird77 Like you, I'm glad I seem to have a diamond who pulls his weight and actually wants to spend time with his child! She loves her morning time with her dad. She reaches out to him with a huge grin every time. I'd be embarrassed if I had a partner who left the parenting all to me Sad

Topsecretidentity · 24/07/2019 15:35

OP what does you're life look like I'm the week when you've previously gone back to work after having children?

I can't see how your DP contributes in any way to family life in the week. What's telling is that if you split, your life would probably be easier as you'd have one less person to cook for/ clean up after. He's taking you for a mug and what's worse is he doesn't even have an intensive job Shock

Anewbooknotanewchapter · 24/07/2019 15:35

Meanwhile I make sure tea is ready everyday, I make his lunch everyday, I do all washing cleaning ironing household jobs, I cut the grass and maintain the garden, I walk the dog everyday- somedays if I haven’t had chance during the day I have to wait till baby is in bed and take him then which is my biggest annoyance- I know DP will want to ‘ chill

Well the word martyr springs to kind. Sort some of this nonsense out for a start and your life will become a bit easier.

pallisers · 24/07/2019 15:36

Interesting how looking after a baby is simultaneously really hard and really easy.

If she’s doing it - it’s really easy, of course you can be on duty 24/7, just nap or relax on the sofa if you’re tired, that’s what maternity leave is for.

If he’s doing it - it’s really hard, so hard that of course he can’t even do half an hour of it before starting work.

yes amazing how that works.

Of course he should give his child a feed before he goes to work - OP isn't asking every morning just some mornings - refusing to get out of bed a half an hour earlier because it is her job is just unkind - and doesn't bode well for him doing anything once she goes back to work.

floribunda18 · 24/07/2019 15:37

I used to do morning feeds but DH would do the 10.30-11pm one which I hated, as I wanted to be asleep myself. He is more of a night owl.

Topsecretidentity · 24/07/2019 15:39

OP don't walk the dogs in the evenings and start eating early tea with baby before your husband gets home- he can start making his own food. I would stop doing anything that directly benefits him (his laundry/ food/ walking the dog in the evening/ cleaning his areas/ gardening) and if he protests just tell him that mat leave is for child care which you have covered. I'm so annoyed just thinking about the imbalance in your household.

floribunda18 · 24/07/2019 15:39

Also I hope you get a lie in at the weekend, OP. You should get one lie in each. It was absolutely precious to me, a Saturday lie in when the girls were small, kept me sane.

Teddybear45 · 24/07/2019 15:40

If that’s the case then don’t do anything other than look after baby and make yours and baby’s meals. Let him sort himself out with his food and do all the housework and non-baby stuff. He needs to remember you’re going back to work - you can’t afford to have him not pull his weight around the house.

burritofan · 24/07/2019 15:40

I do completely understand I am on maternity, but I think I just feel abit deflated that he gets in from work at 5.15 gets fed his tea and doesn’t move off sofa till bed time.
Meanwhile I make sure tea is ready everyday, I make his lunch everyday, I do all washing cleaning ironing household jobs, I cut the grass and maintain the garden, I walk the dog everyday- somedays if I haven’t had chance during the day I have to wait till baby is in bed and take him then which is my biggest annoyance- I know DP will want to ‘ chill ‘

Hang on. You're on maternity to look after your DS, not wait hand and foot on your lazy-as-fuck DP. It's maternity leave, not cocklodger leave. So he gets an early night, a normal getting-up time (7am is not early!), does absolutely fuck all around the house and wants to chill while you do everything? Why are you making his lunch??!! When do you get to chill??

For context, I'm on maternity leave and my DP commutes 2.5 hours each way. He gets up and makes my breakfast and lunch to make my life easier, comes home at 7pm and immediately takes the screaming colicky baby and settles her while I make dinner. He then clears up dinner and does household jobs while me and the baby go to bed. He does the garden and laundry and supermarket; I do the high needs baby, cleaning and organisational stuff. Neither of us gets to chill.

munemema · 24/07/2019 15:41

once I'd got through the nightmare of the early weeks, I didn't really have a lot to do during the day, so would spend it watching trashy TV meeting friends and shopping.

I think I'd struggle if DH was doing that and then expecting me to do very much when I got in from work.

That said, DH always made a point of doing bath and bed because he felt he was missing so much time with DC

shirlm · 24/07/2019 15:42

YANBU. I think he should sometimes get up with the little one-particularly if you've been up a fair bit in the night. I think to expect him to wake up an hour or so earlier a couple of times a week is completely reasonable. Maternity leave is for looking after a little one but when you go back to work is he going to suddenly change his ways and do 50/50? Surely it'd be easier for all involved to start him getting involved now. If he doesn;'t get involved when you're at work then I'm not quite sure I see the point in him....

floribunda18 · 24/07/2019 15:42

This is why women get lumbered with doing all the donkey work. It starts during maternity leave and they carry on when they go back to work.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 24/07/2019 15:43

God it's only half an hour, surely he can go to bed half an hour earlier if he cant cope at work on half an hours less sleep! I guess it does depend if the baby still wakes at night and who does that though

How is he going to cope when you're back at work then ans the baby gets al the manky nursery illnesses and is up hours on end for a few nights in a row? Hes not expecting you to do it all is he?

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 24/07/2019 15:43

This is why women get lumbered with doing all the donkey work. It starts during maternity leave and they carry on when they go back to work.

bollocks, but couples need to be fair.

When DH is off work and I am going to the office, I wouldn't deal with the kids either.

PurpleDaisies · 24/07/2019 15:44

It starts during maternity leave and they carry on when they go back to work.

I suspect it starts as soon as a couple move in together.

Cazziebo · 24/07/2019 15:45

Looking after children is so much more draining than being in the office!

Not in every case! Being at home with two under threes was a walk in the park compared to getting office dressed, commuting, dealing with all sorts of shit during the day, making sure my team were all happy and fulfilled, achieving targets, dealing with egotistic boss, managing childcare.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say that while not everyone enjoys being a SAHP, in most cases it's a far easier day than earning a living from an employer.

DownByTheRiverside · 24/07/2019 15:51

I think YABU in that mornings are for getting ready for work, physically and mentally. I’d expect everything else to be 50/50, and for him to do weekends. OTOH, I may be biased in that I went back to work after my second mat leave when DD was 6 months and DS was 3, and OH was the SAHP.

Chocolatelover45 · 24/07/2019 15:52

He should contribute towards household chores each day - whether that's a morning with the baby or cooking a dinner and clearing up after in the evening. If you had no child presumably he would have to do some household stuff.
If he hates getting up early then I would negotiate with him so that the evening load is more fairly shared.
Certainly don't see why he should get all his meals provided, laundry done and house cleaned - that stuff is 50% his responsibility.

How about going back to work sooner and leaving him the last couple of months as SPL? You have to give 2 months notice but if you did it now he'd have 2 months of being in sole charge - then you could sit on the sofa for hours every night instead!

00100001 · 24/07/2019 15:56

hmm.

tricky one.

I see it form both POVs.

Presumably he is the 'breadwinner' at the moment, and most of the financial burden sits on him? My DH was anxious and very aware that he was financially supporting 3 of us, and he needed to ensure he kept his job to support us all. He felt the'pressure' somewhat. and as part of that burden, I did the main share of the housework etc so my responsibility was running the house the majority of the time.
IT seemed fair - I was bringing in basic maternity pay to help relive the birden slightly, and he helped with the housework etc to help that burden.

But, he also needs to be getting up and contributing when he isn't at work. You can't be "at work" (i.e on baby duty) 24hrs a day, and him only 8-5. That's just not fair. He needs to do his share of an evening. Even if that is "just" minding baby, bathing and putting to bed, whilst you get some downtime, or a shower, or put the next load of laundry on (or whatever)

For him to plonk his arse on the sofa for 4-5 hours and do nothing "because he works" is nonsense. If he stepped up in the evening, I probably wouldn't ask him to get up with baby in the morning. However, s it is, we'd probably all be up at the same time anyway, because I'd bring baby in to see Dad "before he goes to work" whether he's 'sleeping' or not.

So yeah... ask him to do more in the evening. And if he complains about "needing to rest" tell him you do too! And just sit around all evening and do fuck all for him...

adaline · 24/07/2019 15:57

Meanwhile I make sure tea is ready everyday, I make his lunch everyday, I do all washing cleaning ironing household jobs, I cut the grass and maintain the garden, I walk the dog everyday- somedays if I haven’t had chance during the day I have to wait till baby is in bed and take him then which is my biggest annoyance- I know DP will want to ‘ chill

Why on EARTH do you do this to yourself?

GabsAlot · 24/07/2019 15:59

And what happens when you go back to work hes going to pick up theslack is he-doubt it-your set now and he'll make excuses why he stil cant help

Fraggling · 24/07/2019 16:00

I think it does start during Mat leave for a lot of women.

Before kids is not much work easy to split.

Then baby and as per this thread a lot of men and women have expectation that woman will go into 1950s housewife mode. Do all childcare housework as she's 'at home all day' and he's at work breadwinning and that's very important and so he needs looking after.

Despite the fact that loads of working people without kids go without as much sleep as they should get etc I mean it's totally normal.

Then once these roles are in place for a year, the stuff has become her job in both their minds.

It's a fact that working women do more than working men with the kids house etc.

For me, I had pnd and I tried to look after kids dh looked after me. He didn't day if been on an early shift no I'm not helping. He got on with it.