‘That’s what maternity leave is for’

[Ecclesland]

AIBU to be annoyed at this situation
8month old DS
I’m still on maternity untill September 2nd.
Currently DP works 8-5, very locally. He gets up at 7.
Baby wakes usually about 6.30-7, I asked if he could start doing this feed some mornings- his response was well that’s what maternity leave is for he wants his sleep for work.
AIBU?
For context- he will help when he’s home but generally just by pacifying baby not actually doing any jobs, but I always cook dinner every night do the washing up make sure the dogs walked take older DS to nursery when he’s in and collect,
So am I unreasonable to expect help? What are your routines ?

Sorry OP, baby is your job on mat leave, earning is his. I totally agree with him!! Doing stuff with the baby after work is up for grabs between the two of you - we shared, one was on baby duty, one cooked and cleaned up or we both mucked in on both. But in my view, on mat leave, the nights are your responsibility as are the mornings when he is getting up and leaving for work. It makes total sense. Otherwise why are you off work at all?

And I’m someone who absolutely agrees in gender parity. If it was a bloke off on shared parental leave (the equIvalent of mat leave for a man, where the woman gives up her statutory mat leave and returns to work and the dad takes SPL to care for baby) then I’d expect the same of him.

YABU why are you doing everything?? Why on earth do you make his lunch??

You've set a precendence for the past 8 months and now you need to change it which is going to be hard

The other lazy ass stuff you need to deal with as a separate issue. That’s bugger all to do with baby and everything to do with your relationship.

I'm currently on maternity leave and do the feeds because I don't express, but if I did, I know that DH would happily do morning feeds before work.

He doesn't see parenting as an additional 'job'.

Sorry OP, baby is your job on mat leave, earning is his.

What an ignorant comment. Many people are paid while on maternity leave. I earned more than DH during that time so does that many baby was his job.

I would also like to add that we share cooking and cleaning. We both agree it is my job to look after the baby all day, not be a domestic slave. I will cook most days this week, other weeks he will.
Looking after a baby is more exhausting than going to work and it should not be a 24-7 job for the mum. It isn't like you can lie in bed all day catching up on sleep.

many

YANBU
It isn't going to hurt for him to do some morning feeds, and have to get up a bit earlier.
He should also be helping around the house more when he is home from work. Once he is in he should be sharing jobs with you & pulling his weight more.
Hope you can talk to him & get this sorted

Dp fought me every minute he was home to do everything for the baby- he wanted to do it all, as I ‘got him in the day’. Obviously I didn’t complain!

This thread is nuts! So many people agreeing with your DH when in reality an office job is 9-5 or even 8-6, 5 days a week. Being a parent is 24/7.

So in this 'parenting job' the OP has to do it alone with no time off because he's at work in an office?!

I've always done all the feeds (breastfeeding though) and seen to the baby on my husband's working days. He did most of the cooking and the food shopping and put the eldest child to bed every night. Weekends he let me lie in and got up with both children in the morning.

I do think that on maternity leave you should be the one getting up to do feeds etc if the other person is out at work. If you are tired you can nap when the baby naps in the day. If you're at work and tired you can't take a nap during work or on the drive home, that's how I've always looked at it.

Was the other way round for me Inthesummertime. I couldn’t nap at home with the baby (difficult baby), but once I was back at work I used to nap on the train!

If it's upsetting you, it's upsetting you and clearly doesn't feel fair. I understand him needing his sleep for work but when he's around especially on weekends he should be full on dad.

Different situations work for different people, so I think the main point is to talk to him and see what you can choose to do. Also when you go back to work he'll need to adjust somehow..

DH should get enough time to sleep 8 hours or so and prep clothes/lunch for work.

The rest of the time share out chores and childcare so you both get a break.

Otherwise he works 8 hours and you work 24.

Also tbh he should want to spend time with his children. That's kind of the point.

I feel torn on this one. I’ve always breastfed so 100% of the feeds are on me anyway. I can’t say it hasn’t made me resent DH at times because it has but I accept he’s working all day and I am not.

I think when you return to work it should be a different story but on his work days it’s fine for him to want that extra bit of kip.

How do you "nap when the baby naps" once it is not your first child? I swear if anyone said this to me in rl I would probably (in my sleep deprived state) have punched them.

What a twat. Put him straight. He needs to pull his finger out of this arse and help you or his attitude wont change when you go back to work in September. If he's proving difficult and isn't helpful I would stop cooking for him and washing his clothes and tidying up after him and leave him to it. Soon enough he'll stop being a CF and start helping.

I’m with him on the morning feed I’m afraid. That sort of is what mat leave is for. He should be doing more in the evening though. Bath time/bed time would be a good thing for him to do because it’s a nice way of bonding with the baby.

To those posters comparing mat leave to a job, I’m sorry but that’s just bollocks for most people. My husband worked a 12 hour day yesterday and had 2 hours of commuting. I had fun with my toddler in the paddling pool, went to a class and had lots of lovely cuddles with the baby. Not really the same.

Your DP has a point

In fact, I'd go so far as to say that while not everyone enjoys being a SAHP, in most cases it's a far easier day than earning a living from an employer.

Absolute bollocks is it. Maybe for you. Clearly not for op or many others, myself included.

I’m currently on ML... 2 month old and dd3 in p/t nursery.

During the working day I do childcare and what jobs I can around the house (not much currently!) and when DH is home we share it.

I’m breastfeeding so he can’t do feeds but he’s been getting up in night for dd whose sleep has regressed since the baby arrived. He’ll do nappies, breakfast for us, feed cats etc before going to work.

Yanbu to expect a bit more support and for him to do more at home.

And everyone is different but I find being at home far, far harder than work! My DH even comments “well, I need to support you, I get to escape to work while you’re doing nonstop tantrum management and housework”.

It's not bollocks @HenSolo, I couldn't bear being a sahp, I have 4 DC and it would kill me. The OP is unhappy with the situation, hence this thread.

Different situations work for different people

Working in an office doesn’t mean you’re not a parent.

@NKFell I think we agree? I’m saying many people myself included do not find it easier being a SAHP. It nearly killed me so my partner stepped up big time and I think ops partner should too