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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘That’s what maternity leave is for’

270 replies

Ecclesland · 24/07/2019 14:36

AIBU to be annoyed at this situation
8month old DS
I’m still on maternity untill September 2nd.
Currently DP works 8-5, very locally. He gets up at 7.
Baby wakes usually about 6.30-7, I asked if he could start doing this feed some mornings- his response was well that’s what maternity leave is for he wants his sleep for work.
AIBU?
For context- he will help when he’s home but generally just by pacifying baby not actually doing any jobs, but I always cook dinner every night do the washing up make sure the dogs walked take older DS to nursery when he’s in and collect,
So am I unreasonable to expect help? What are your routines ?

OP posts:
INeedAFlerken · 24/07/2019 16:43

I do completely understand I am on maternity, but I think I just feel abit deflated that he gets in from work at 5.15 gets fed his tea and doesn’t move off sofa till bed time.

You need to sit him down now and tell him he's not been dong his share at home, and that changes now. ANd you're making a plan for when you go back to work in 6 weeks because hes doing his share. Not helping you, but doing his share.

Your job is not 24/7 while his is working hours then couch time while you carry on with all the home/child/cooking drudgery. What an arse.

Cantbebotheredtogotobed · 24/07/2019 16:44

"Then once these roles are in place for a year, the stuff has become her job in both their minds."

Yup. And, by that point, the baby will only settle for mum because dad has never done any of the baby stuff. So you get the women who can't got away overnight on business, or who repeatedly cancel nights out if the toddler has a mild sniffle, because the kids "only want mum". Seen it happen so many times, on MN and in real life.

herculepoirot2 · 24/07/2019 16:44

I had fun with my toddler in the paddling pool, went to a class and had lots of lovely cuddles with the baby. Not really the same.

You didn’t feed, change, bath, run after your toddler? You didn’t rock your baby to sleep or sit there wishing he/she would stop screaming?

Sounds like a nice day.

jaseyraex · 24/07/2019 16:45

Your issue isn't that he won't do this one feed, your issue is that he does fuck all in general. Stop doing everything for him. He's not another child. Does he ever do any of the mundane parenting? The feeding, the changing, the bathing? You need to nip this in the bud OP or you'll still be running around doing everything for him plus the kids when you go back to work whilst he gets to chill. It's not healthy.

WorraLiberty · 24/07/2019 16:46

He should be doing way more after work.

But before work, how would he have time to feed the baby if the baby wakes 6.30-7 and your DH actually starts work at 8?

So if for example baby wakes and 7am and let's just say sorting the bottle/changing nappy/feeding takes half an hour-ish? That doesn't leave much time to get showered/dressed/get to work ready to start.

Beautiful3 · 24/07/2019 16:48

I agree with your husband. I think you should do it when he's at work, but that he should help you at the weekend.

Topsecretidentity · 24/07/2019 16:49

I had fun with my toddler in the paddling pool, went to a class and had lots of lovely cuddles with the baby. Not really the same.

And your husband sat on a chair talking to his office mates and drinking cups of tea and scoffing biscuits. You can make anything sound a doddle if you only mention the fun bits.

Comments like yours do a disservice to the reality of motherhood, parenting and childcare and contribute to the manchild, selfish view many men have about childcare and housework.

HenSolo · 24/07/2019 16:51

@Topsecretidentity thank you, well said

JennaOfEluria · 24/07/2019 16:53

I'm 50/50 on this one.

Your husband is right that maternity/parental leave is precisely for the early start/middle of the night/late night stuff that messes with your normal sleep pattern. He should be stepping up on the weekend to allow additional rest though (at least that's how my husband and I did things).

However maternity leave is not for being a general dogsbody around the house doing all cleaning, cooking, general chores. Those tasks should still be considered shared tasks and any additional done because you had one of those 'perfect' days should be seen as a bonus rather than the expectation.

Your husband needs to pull his weight more with the housework/dog walking/older child assistance/cooking/ironing/bed making etc because you're meant to be running a home and family together. Sort this out before you go back to work or it'll be something that breaks you and possibly your marriage.

Topsecretidentity · 24/07/2019 16:53

I agree with your husband. I think you should do it when he's at work, but that he should help you at the weekend.

Am I missing something? He's not at work in the morning or the evenings. It's not like she's asking him to help at night or during work hours. So glad I'm not married to your useless husbands who work so hard and are so exhausted that they can't do basic parenting when they do get home.

53rdWay · 24/07/2019 16:54

This man currently has his lunch made for him, his house cleaned for him, his dinner cooked for him, his children looked after for him. He has an easier life than he’d have as a single man. He can surely summon the energy to do one morning feed.

LolaSmiles · 24/07/2019 17:05

I think whoever is at home does the night feeds and early morning feeds during the working week. I think it's unreasonable for whoever is at home to expect the person who's going to work to be up all night.

Being at home it's also reasonable to do a bit more at home too in my opinion, but maternity/paternity leave doesn't mean one person does everything.

Weekends should be split for night feeds and all other household stuff should be split fairly.

I couldn't be doing with a man child who wants to sit on their backside all the time, but equally I think there has to be a bit of common sense that maternity/paternity leave isn't 'do childcare only in working hours only'.

SimonJT · 24/07/2019 17:12

I personally agree with your husband.

When I was on adoption leave I did virtually everything child/household wise during the week, we then shared everything at the weekend. His job was much harder work than what I was doing at home.

NKFell · 24/07/2019 17:16

@HenSolo ah yes we do, sorry my fault. I'll reinstate 'bollocks' Grin Bollocks!

LannieDuck · 24/07/2019 17:18

Does your DH think mat leave is for looking after the baby? Or for doing the housework?

I'm going to guess the answer is both. Has he ever looked after the baby by himself for a significant period of time? Or your previous children at this age? Does he realise how much work it is?

(PS I'm one of those who thinks being a SAHP is far more exhausting than going to work. Me and my DH both used to work 4 days a week. We joked that we went back to work for a rest!)

coffeeforone · 24/07/2019 17:22

I can see both sides (especially as your baby is a relatively decent sleeper otherwise I'd be with you) - but on the other hand it's not long until 2nd September - he should get some practice in at doing his fair share.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 24/07/2019 17:22

Yes, I'd say you're being a dick in this case. If you'd been up all night with the baby then I'd be more sympathetic, but I don't really understand why you can't get up at the same time as your darling husband and do the morning feed?

Idontwanttotalk · 24/07/2019 17:23

I think YABU to expect him to get up earlier and feed the baby before he goes to work. I think he could do the early morning feeds at the weekend so you can have a lie-in.

He should, however, help out in the evenings with feeding, bathing, putting baby to bed, reading other child a bedtime story. He should also take his turns with cooking and washing up.

Perhaps, especially in the nice weather with lighter evenings, you could all go out for a walk so that the dog gets walked and you all get some fresh air?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 24/07/2019 17:25

I do agree with your dh. However I'd also start insisting that it's 50/50 split after work and on weekends. About time he starts realising this before your mat leave ends and then he can't pull the old ' I don't know what to do' routine

munemema · 24/07/2019 17:26

The strangest things about all this is that people would be prepared to escalate it into a really quite unpleasant dispute without actually talking to anyone to find out what the issue is/if it can easily be resolved.

User8888888 · 24/07/2019 17:28

‘Comments like yours do a disservice to the reality of motherhood, parenting and childcare and contribute to the manchild, selfish view many men have about childcare and housework’

I completely disagree. It is a diservice to pretend being at home is the same as having a job when many people are parents and employed and do both.

I’ve seen both sides being part-time. I’ve of course had rough days at home with the children when they’ve driven me mad or they’ve been terribly poorly and it’s made be frantic with worry. But, I’ve got the autonomy to do what I want when I’m at home, I am not under pressure of being fired and have the option of lazy days.

Lizzielocket · 24/07/2019 17:30

YABU, your home all day, he’s at work all day and it sounds like your baby is a fantastic sleeper!
Just make it clear that when you return to work he has to do his share, his share being half of all housework and baby duties.

munemema · 24/07/2019 17:36

Oh, that's the wrong thread, sorry Blush

User8888888 · 24/07/2019 17:40

“You didn’t feed, change, bath, run after your toddler? You didn’t rock your baby to sleep or sit there wishing he/she would stop screaming?”

Well yes I bathed and dressed my toddler as I would do if I was at work. Obviously I fed her and played with her but I don’t really see that as being at work in the same way as writing a press release or doing a 1:1 with a member of staff.

I had a point when the baby was moaning so I put her in the sling and settled her while cracking on with stuff. Yes crying is stressful but it’s the price of a year off work.

nothingtowearever · 24/07/2019 17:42

I agree with him regarding the sleeping. The cooking and cleaning every night though I don't agree with

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