Is this a pisstake?

[probablyneedmoresleep]

Let me set the scene: husband works extremely long hours in finance and I’m a SAHM to a 1 year old. Usually in summer husband comes home at 7/8pm instead of midnight. This has not been the case this summer. We haven’t seen him and it’s been extremely disappointing and sad not to have time with him. This morning I find out he has been able to come home earlier but has in fact been going to the gym instead. I’m in rage mode about the fact he would rather do this than see us, and i appreciate he deserves a break but we have a baby - breaks don’t really exist. And when I explained to him this morning it was a pisstake he just continued packing the fucking gym bag. AIBU?

Is he getting gym fit for OW?

What an absolute dick.
What are you going to do?
I’d tell him to pack more than his gym bag.

I'd be amazed if he's ever been working until midnight on a regular basis. Id be surprised if even 9pm is necessary very often.

I worked in corporate finance for a long time. Some of the men "worked" for long days but they did it for the cudos and/or to avoid going home. I never felt it necessary and my results were among the best.

How is it even possible to work effectively until midnight on a regular basis?

The way he phrased it after a (heated) discussion implied he can come home earlier “if it’s too hot I’ll come home instead”. Is this what he has been doing all summer?!?

I am just aghast.

This screams OW

This screams OW

The thought has crossed my mind. Honestly. I have mentioned to him a few weeks ago that the fact he is suddenly working all these long hours during summer when he doesn’t usually is quite suspicious, but clearly that didn’t matter to him.

If I worked that many hours I think I would need some downtime at the gym. That's insane! Can you compromise and he's home by 9? And maybe he only goes 2 nights a week? My OH works till half ten most nights and it's very frustrating but we are able to go away a lot because of it. Are you benefitting at all?

Personally I'd let him go to the gym but I'd expect him home to look after the baby so I could also go to the gym ... or whatever you like doing
Midnight from work is not acceptable in any way though!

What exactly is he doing until midnight during the winter?

How is the business so seasonal that he can usually work a much shorter day in the summer?

Does he earn a really huge salary?

Do you know his colleagues?

What is his actual job?

So many questions but it all has to be nonsense. Sorry OP, there maybe rare occasions when closing a deal requires a late night but not week in week out.

I couldn't be with someone who is so selfish and disrespectful. Sit him down and tell him things need to change or you're leaving. You don't see him any way so there would be no difference. Maybe you'd then be able to find a better man to show your child how a real father acts by caring for and supporting mum not just financially.

cheeseandbiscuitss

But that’s the point, there’s not been a compromise he has just been completely shifty about how he is spending his time and left me in the dark.

What exactly is he doing until midnight during the winter?

• I asked him this yesterday as I was so suspect about what the fuck he is even doing and he’s prepping for meetings etc apparently or doing spreadsheets

How is the business so seasonal that he can usually work a much shorter day in the summer?
People are just off a lot in the summer so it becomes quiet; less projects apparently

Does he earn a really huge salary?
Yes

Do you know his colleagues?
Yes, but only met a couple of times. Unhappy with how one of the females communicated with him but she’s since left the team

What is his actual job?
Works in m&a

Ok, that's not what I meant about the colleagues, but youve obviously had your concerns. I meant are his colleagues doing similar hours.

Either way, there's no way on earth that it's necessary (or even possible) for him to be working so much. You and he need to discuss why he's finding he wants/needs to do it and make some big decisions. That's mine at for you, him or your DC to live, regardless of the lifestyle it affords.

The gym is a red herring

I'm a firm believer in fitting in time for exercise but 4 hours at the gym a night is excessive and unnecessary. He's absolutely taking the piss.

munemema

He was doing it before we met and he loves it, which is all fine. It’s just that usually there are ups and downs with the hours, and I can’t understand why suddenly the hours are all up.

That penultimate sentence is all scrambled. That's no way for you, him or your DC to live.....

I don't understand why posters automatically think he is having an affair in winter but not in summer ?

Try a calm discussion first about you being with baby 24/7 and you not finding that ideal due to missing adult company and wondering why he doesn't want to see baby.

How does he think things are going with the baby? Is parenthood how he expected?

Neighbour's husband thought the baby would be sleeping through by 6-8 months and became distant and cold when it was clear the baby was still waking up 3x a night for food at 9 months with no signs of let up in the near future.

Does he ever do anyhing with the baby or in the house? Do you ever get a break? What are your weekends like?
He sounds very self centred and selfish. Has sounds as though he has not really adjusted to having a child if you ever see him for long enough you need to have. A calm and honest discussion about what is happening and why.

When do you get your 'gym' break OP?

Even if he’s not having an affair he is obviously living a very separate life from you.
Do you spend weekends together?

I'd be looking to go back to work if I were you. That way childcare becomes both of your responsibility "again" (I say "again" because it already is! Just because you are a SAHM does not mean it should fall solely on your plate.)

He's absolutely taking the piss - winter AND summer. He sees you as a housekeeper/nanny, while he lives as a single man. Sounds dodgy as fuck and I wouldn't rule out an affair.