Is this a pisstake?

[probablyneedmoresleep]

Let me set the scene: husband works extremely long hours in finance and I’m a SAHM to a 1 year old. Usually in summer husband comes home at 7/8pm instead of midnight. This has not been the case this summer. We haven’t seen him and it’s been extremely disappointing and sad not to have time with him. This morning I find out he has been able to come home earlier but has in fact been going to the gym instead. I’m in rage mode about the fact he would rather do this than see us, and i appreciate he deserves a break but we have a baby - breaks don’t really exist. And when I explained to him this morning it was a pisstake he just continued packing the fucking gym bag. AIBU?

Yes, I would like to know the financial set up too. Alarm bells are ringing...

hollowtalk

It does make sense - as in a lot of people are not around in the summer therefore the business slows down across the board. Less mergers and acquisitions happen and therefore there is less for him to do.

I have access to money in that I have subsidiary cards to his accounts. Do I have the codes or access to these accounts directly? No. I will rectify that at once.

OP showing no affection but attempting sex while you're asleep is NOT love, let alone his gatekeeping of your time. Please think about this. Would you treat HIM like this if he was the stay at home partner?

Of course he won’t let you rectify that op.

He’s controlling and all you are is a nanny for his child, nothing more. You need to wake up to it.

To be honest this has been very eye opening and helpful - it’s helped me verbalise and see how other people verbalise the situation. It’s helped me understand exactly what the issues are and why I feel so snappy and irritated at the moment with my husband. It’s an overwhelming general sense of unfairness, being unappreciated, lack of affection and actually the feeling that he doesn’t WANT to parent DS, that he doesn’t WANT to help me. I think he hides behind a sense of laid-backness and naivety that I now believe to be a smokescreen for serious selfishness and laziness. He works extremely hard and brings home the money but this is not an excuse to just clock out at the weekends or do the bare minimum and if I’m honest with myself the financial disparity and the fact I do enjoy my life and feel lucky has made me reticent to say anything/made me feel unreasonable in general about complaining.

2 evenings a week need to be dedicated to family time. That's it. No compromise.

What happens at weekends?

ifsomeones woring this many hours then they need to stop or they will have major burnout soon

A gilded cage is still a cage OP.

I've just read back
Fuck him

Get yourself an au pair or babysitter a few hours every week and go and do your own thing. He's living his own life, do the same.
Schedule him in for looking after the baby too

Come on OP you can do it!

‘It’s an overwhelming general sense of unfairness, being unappreciated, lack of affection and actually the feeling that he doesn’t WANT to parent DS, that he doesn’t WANT to help me. I think he hides behind a sense of laid-backness and naivety that I now believe to be a smokescreen for serious selfishness and laziness. He works extremely hard and brings home the money but this is not an excuse to just clock out at the weekends or do the bare minimum and if I’m honest with myself the financial disparity and the fact I do enjoy my life and feel lucky has made me reticent to say anything/made me feel unreasonable in general about complaining’

I don’t believe he’s hiding behind anything, he just doesn’t care does he?
Good fathers want to spend time with their child, good husbands want to spend time with their family and would do anything to ensure his family are happy. You’re not, but he doesn’t care.

I’m not sure you’ll be able to fix it, he sounds manipulating and I think he’ll easily talk his way out of this.

You can’t make someone love and care for you.

You can have all the financial benefits in the world but at the end of the day, it’s not a loving marriage and you can’t buy that.

Youre his staff you do everything he does nothing-theres more to being a parent than bringing in the dough-he sounds vile

My cousin is in M&A and she's currently spending 2 weeks in St Kitts with her DH and 3 DC. She does run as a hobby and her DH plays football but they drive the kids around to their various hobbies in equal roles. She wouldn't dream of opting out of bedtime just because she works long hours. She has an office at home so she can come home, eat together, bedtime jointly with her DH then work in the evening. It's possible if you make it possible. Your DH is choosing to put it all on you. Exactly how has his life changed since becoming a father?

Exactly how has his life changed since becoming a father?

Very little according to OP's posts!

I feel sad for your son, he's going to grow up seeing exactly what your husband saw growing up, and he's going to treat any partner the same.
The cycle will continue

well, that's a good start, OP.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p07hjts9
This was posted on another thread.

I used to work in M&A and the summer period does tend to be a dead period as most stakeholders are on holiday in August. As for coming home at 12 that’s fairly typical too and my guess is he’s trying to keep up the same routine in summer so it’s not as painful to return back to it in the winter. Do you live near his workplace? If not it might be time to consider a move - if you live close by you could meet for dinner somewhere every night. Most of our senior guys do this.

@LoisEinhorn excellent clip. Hope OP takes heed.

Teddybear45 I don't feel this will suit OP's 'D'H. Mother and child are to be kept compartmentalised in his view. At home and mostly out of sight.

His workplace is Mayfair so we won’t be moving there!

I’ve just had a preliminary chat. He sounds genuinely contrite so let’s see what happens.

He will give me all the codes and access to the accounts. He will supposedly help more with DS. When we move into our new house with a study he will work from home a lot more during the week. It’s a start.

Good news OP, so when is your first horse riding session?

I hope he does step up OP. Actually he won't be 'helping' you with his child - he will be PARENTING.

Words are easy. His actions going forward are more important. Please please go horseriding and get some confirmed, regular quality time for yourself. Your mental health will suffer if you don't.

Also, make sure he realises fully that sex should always be consensual - no more trying to use your sleeping body. Gross.

Hi OP - I really hope he can make the changes he needs to make.
You really need to see consistency with him. You shouldn’t need his permission to go out. You need to get out more - he has lots of issues and I would ask should marriage be this hard.
No one is at the gym for hours are they - he’s told you lies and changes his story - what gym does he go - I’d call work one night check if he was there and then go to the gym to see if he was there. He’s lying to you.
How he treated you sexually that shouldn’t have happened. Would be use prostitutes? I would do some digging - I’d ask to see his bank accounts and phone account. I hope you have family and friends you can talk too.
Good luck.