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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a pisstake?

246 replies

probablyneedmoresleep · 24/07/2019 07:57

Let me set the scene: husband works extremely long hours in finance and I’m a SAHM to a 1 year old. Usually in summer husband comes home at 7/8pm instead of midnight. This has not been the case this summer. We haven’t seen him and it’s been extremely disappointing and sad not to have time with him. This morning I find out he has been able to come home earlier but has in fact been going to the gym instead. I’m in rage mode about the fact he would rather do this than see us, and i appreciate he deserves a break but we have a baby - breaks don’t really exist. And when I explained to him this morning it was a pisstake he just continued packing the fucking gym bag. AIBU?

OP posts:
WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 24/07/2019 09:43

What an arse. It's not the gym that's the problem, it's the deceit and the selfishness.

He could get up early and go to the gym if he wanted.

I'd be insisting on relationship counselling.

munemema · 24/07/2019 09:43

Ultimately OP, you have to decide if you;re prepared to put up with it.

It sounds like he's very much in charge and holds all the cards because he earns the money. That's highly unlikely to change.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 24/07/2019 09:43

He is treating you as staff both inside the home and outside. You need to woman up OP and tell him it all changes or he'll be parenting EOW and you'll get the breaks you need - apart.

Original poster
probablyneedmoresleep · 24/07/2019 09:45

That's how it sounds to me, like you knew his values around parenting and these would not shift but you wrongly thought you could handle it and now you're faced with the reality of the social status you assumed

Oh bugger off please! That’s not what happened. We agreed a 100% split during the week. Which I am fine with! But we agreed a 50/50 split weekends and holidays which is just not fucking happening and is building up massive resentment from my part.

Lack of help during summer holidays during awful nights. Him being hungover and not helping sometimes at the weekend. Him
supposed to be helping with dinner at the weekend but instead he sits feeding himself and DS gets distressed so of course muggins ends up doing it. Him thinking watching tv is the same as watching DS. Him wanting to go on a stag do a week after DS had an operation.

OP posts:
lemonsandlimes123 · 24/07/2019 09:46

Well then step up and make some bloody decisions. Hire a nanny, start some activities and get on with your life. I am not someone who shares the belief that looking after babies is some incredibly hard and tiring occupation - boring yes indeed but hard no!

He is treating you like this because you are letting him, your life looks they way it does because you are not doing anything to change it. Go horseriding - what's he going to do, go out and leave the baby unattended?

Original poster
probablyneedmoresleep · 24/07/2019 09:47

lemonsandlimes123 did you see me say it’s hard?

OP posts:
AquaPris · 24/07/2019 09:47

Sounds annoying, DP has been coming home late this summer too (also in finance) - it's been a hard year with a long busy season for him.

I normally would say it's not good of him to be doing this but finance is a fucking slog and maybe he could spend some weekend time with DD alone so you get some you time too?

Or ask him to only go every other night? DP has certainly done the 9am-midnight shifts often and comes home looking rather grey so I let him crack on.

lemonsandlimes123 · 24/07/2019 09:48

You decided to have a baby but neither of you are that keen on looking after it - understandable, babies can be quite dull. You have the funds to outsource this for periods to someone who actively enjoys looking after children, why you wouldn't is beyond me.

lemonsandlimes123 · 24/07/2019 09:49

OP - i was responding to other posters who were saying how hard it is, rather than you.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 24/07/2019 09:49

OP after your update you really need to reconsider your position. I repeat- he sees you as staff facilitating his single life. What a selfish cunt he is. He won't even care for his child. Feeding himself first instead of his child ffs.

Original poster
probablyneedmoresleep · 24/07/2019 09:49

lemonsandlimes123’

Are you for real?!? I love looking after my son, that’s why I’m at home ffs. But occasionally people need a break.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 24/07/2019 09:51

Absolutely a piss take! He's a selfish arse to boot too!
So basically, he works all hours, he goes to the gym when he fancies it, goes out drinking/weekends away when he fancies, doesn't seem capable of looking after his own child and won't pay for a nanny ....... and his good points are????

lemonsandlimes123 · 24/07/2019 09:52

So get a nanny/babysitter? It's not rocket science!

AquaPris · 24/07/2019 09:52

@munemema because that's how finance works... busy season and quieter seasons certainly in audit?

junior staff work until midnight fairly often in winter - I've FaceTimed and they've all said hi.

You say you've worked in finance but don't seem to really know what it entails nowadays.

Jellybeansincognito · 24/07/2019 09:52

He doesn’t sound like he really wants to be a parent? His role sounds more grandparent typical- enjoy the baby until they cry etc when you pass them back to a parent.

Although most grandparents sound like they do more than him. He earns money, that’s all. It’s not a life to lead is it?

beanaseireann · 24/07/2019 09:53

probablyneedmoresleep
He really is taking the p*ss
You're not allowed to have a hobby - horse riding as it is too expensive Shock, you can't get help or a babysitter yet he is earning big money - financial abuse!
Id have to check out what was happening re those late hours "gym" visits.
Is there any body who would babysit while you do a couple of reconnaissance missions ?
Are your family nearby ? Could thry babysiit ?
It's not looking good OP.

Heymummee · 24/07/2019 09:53

This doesn’t sound like a partnership. There are so many issues. It sounds like he sees you as the caregiver because he makes the money. When he’s not at work, parenting should be split 50:50. You need some time to yourself, it sounds relentless.
Book yourself into an activity you enjoy - tell him when you are going. No is not an answer. You are going, end of story.
Secondly, the work he’s doing does sound like work he can do from home so I would question why he’s staying at the office, then going to the gym, then back to the office.
Can’t he go to the gym early in the morning like a lot of other people?
All this would drive me around the bend, and I completely understand the position you’re in - it sounds like you’re intimidated by him and worry that putting your foot down will cause more bother so you just go along with the status quo.
Start today - take time back for yourself. If you’re suspicious he’s not working when he says he is, can you go to his office and scope things out? See if his car is there or whatever? He’s checked out of family life. I feel for you I really do. You have the power to change things, be strong.

user12398798768657 · 24/07/2019 09:53

DH works in the same field (different role I suspect). The work is not seasonal. Yes there will certainly be times when they have to work all hours but that is not dependent on the time of year.

And whilst he might feasibly work all the hours god sends, the likelihood that there is a team of junior "winter" analysts working late at night so that he can go back and check their work is low..

MarianaMoatedGrange · 24/07/2019 09:57

You're not allowed to have a hobby - horse riding as it is too expensive shock, you can't get help or a babysitter yet he is earning big money - financial abuse!
^^

This comes as no surprise. He wants OP locked down completely.

Nesssie · 24/07/2019 09:59

He won't let you do one thing that you want? That's fucked up.

Mitzicoco · 24/07/2019 10:00

I doubt anyone earning a huge salary would spend hours doing spreadsheets. They have minions for that! Grin

Jellybeansincognito · 24/07/2019 10:00

MarianaMoatedGrange I agree it does sound quite manipulating. Op said she has full financial access but yet here she is, no help because he doesn’t want it.

If I couldn’t even cook dinner in peace because my husband was that useless, serious questions would be being asked.

CalmFizz · 24/07/2019 10:01

Can I ask op, with these ‘working’ hours he has and a young baby, how your personal relationship actually looks? How is he as a husband? How’s your sex life? Is he affectionate, thoughtful, do you communicate every day? And actually communicate, not convey messages about what’s for dinner/your child but talk.

MoanyAnna · 24/07/2019 10:03

I kind of see one needing to have a break in mindset between office and home , which the gym activity probably could provide . BUT, that is not it as he occasionally goes back to the office !
I think you should do as you please.
e g hire the nanny during the house renovations. . Put your foot down about your horse riding.
It is a fine line between being cooperative and being a doormat.

wowfudge · 24/07/2019 10:04

The hours in M&A work can be horrendous. I don't think there's an OW but I do think he's knackered so going to the gym is his time for him. Get help around the house and with the baby so you get time for you OP. And have a serious talk about what being a family means.