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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a pisstake?

246 replies

probablyneedmoresleep · 24/07/2019 07:57

Let me set the scene: husband works extremely long hours in finance and I’m a SAHM to a 1 year old. Usually in summer husband comes home at 7/8pm instead of midnight. This has not been the case this summer. We haven’t seen him and it’s been extremely disappointing and sad not to have time with him. This morning I find out he has been able to come home earlier but has in fact been going to the gym instead. I’m in rage mode about the fact he would rather do this than see us, and i appreciate he deserves a break but we have a baby - breaks don’t really exist. And when I explained to him this morning it was a pisstake he just continued packing the fucking gym bag. AIBU?

OP posts:
HairyDogsInUnusualPlaces · 24/07/2019 10:04

Re the horse riding fund, i would just list (on a piece of paper, so it is there in black and white) all his expenses for clubs, gym etc. vs the cost of 1 hour horse riding once a week. You could even cost in the cost of a babysitter for that hour too. He really wouldn't have a leg to stand on if he saw it written down.
I also echo what pp are saying, just do stuff for yourself, don't ask him. After all, he has not asked you if he can go to the gym etc. What's sauce for the goose etc.

Tentomidnight · 24/07/2019 10:08

OP, you say that you’re worried about ‘putting financial pressure on him’ by hiring in help.
He’s not worried about putting pressure on you, is he?
His questionably long working days at least afford him time off to sleep and 2 days off at weekends. Whereas your role keeps you on call 24/7.
So he can bloody well shoulder all of the financial responsibility. It’s his one job in your relationship, it seems, so don’t feel bad about him feeling the pressure.
Hire in the help. And book the riding lessons. What would actually happen of you did? A row? Threats?
Please look up signs of financial abuse

Benes · 24/07/2019 10:09

pinkyy but people have to change when they have children. It's called compromise. It's very selfish to continue living your life exactly as it was before.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 24/07/2019 10:12

Re the horse riding fund, i would just list (on a piece of paper, so it is there in black and white) all his expenses for clubs, gym etc. vs the cost of 1 hour horse riding once a week. You could even cost in the cost of a babysitter for that hour too. He really wouldn't have a leg to stand on if he saw it written down.
^^

Excellent idea! but the fact OP needs to do this is sad. I feel OP is ground down and afraid of taking action.

OP please don't be a bystander in your own life.

Supersimpkin · 24/07/2019 10:38

He is very cautious with money and would probably say no to a nanny.

Oh dear.

Original poster
probablyneedmoresleep · 24/07/2019 10:44

What's sauce for the goose etc

What’s the full expression for this? Sounds fabulous

Thank you all for making me feel reasonable. I will
Sit down and discuss everything with DH this weekend, including what watching DS actually entails. I’ve just talked to my mother who reminded me that one of the only times I actually got to do something for myself - a lunch with my mother - DH texted me complaining the whole time, and asking me inane questions etc what should he feed our child and what time etc.

I will insist on the horse riding and look into a nanny of sorts to help out. It’s hard for me to take pleasure in things though if I feel he is against them.

OP posts:
Original poster
probablyneedmoresleep · 24/07/2019 10:46

And to a PP who asked - we are best friends and we do try to make time for sex (he has form for trying to initiate whilst I’m asleep and being very selfish but I have really hammered this home and it’s getting better). He is not affectionate at all but his family never hug and kiss so that’s why. We do laugh a lot and he does love me but I am just having enough at the moment. I do feel extremely unappreciated.

OP posts:
HairyDogsInUnusualPlaces · 24/07/2019 10:50

Expression is 'what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander' i.e. what applies to him, also applies to you.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 24/07/2019 10:51

he has form for trying to initiate whilst I’m asleep and being very selfish but I have really hammered this home

Jesus Christ. And you say he loves you? Confused

You're basically a housekeeper/nanny/wank sock. Wise up.

dontfluffit · 24/07/2019 10:51

He sounds like a selfish dick. You both need to have a honest talk. - I would tell him he needs to start coming home after work and spending quality time with you both or else - he should just leave. Whats the point in what you have now?

HairyDogsInUnusualPlaces · 24/07/2019 10:52

Maybe when you have the conversation about him being more hands on with your ds, you couod tell him that no one knows what to do to start with, they don't come with manuals and you had to learn on the job...and so will he. So when he is looking after ds, he will have to find his own way through, no phoning you for help. After all, he may find a better way, if left to his own devices Wink

Jux · 24/07/2019 10:53

Ask im when you get a break? You don't even have time off for lunch......

MrsCBY · 24/07/2019 10:58

we do try to make time for sex (he has form for trying to initiate whilst I’m asleep and being very selfish but I have really hammered this home and it’s getting better). He is not affectionate at all

Sad
MrsCBY · 24/07/2019 11:01

What the power balance in your relationship sounds like:

Your DH: 98%
You: 2%

CassianAndor · 24/07/2019 11:04

he sounds extremely dysfunctional to me and no way would I have settled for a man like this. He's got it all with you, OP, hasn't he?

doodleygirl · 24/07/2019 11:06

Why would you want to have this kind of life and why would you think its good for a child to be in a family where the father does jack shit?

Re read your posts, pretend they are not yours and just someone on a forum, what would you say to them?

Life is just too short to be married to someone who is only there for sex and nothing much else.

Jellybeansincognito · 24/07/2019 11:06

My family don’t hug and kiss and neither do my husbands but we’re still affectionate towards one another.

The initiating sex whilst you’re asleep is a huge red flag to me. That’s not respectful at all.

‘we’re best friends’ are you? I wouldn’t let any best friend treat me so disrespectfully. What are you actually getting out of your relationship bar financial stability? At the cost of your happiness and freedom of course.

You’re a single parent, he’s barely home and can’t even look after his child for a couple of hours. He’s not affectionate, he’s selfish evident by his needs continuously coming before yours- the gym, the negativity surrounding childcare help, the way he can’t even look after his own child to allow you to make a meal.

It doesn’t sound at all like you’re loved, respected and valued by this idiot.

Ayemama · 24/07/2019 11:10

I think you need to stop asking his permission and start telling him.
Or give him option A/B.
For example, tel him you are going horseback riding on x days for x amount of time. Would he A like to spend time with DS before DS forgets what he looks like or B like to pay x amount to this lovely nanny who you just so happen to know is available and highly recommended.

If he says he can't afford it then say "supper, DS will love spending the time with you"
And then when you are out turn off your phone.

sincethereis · 24/07/2019 11:12

Honestly, I don’t really see what can be done. your DH seems unwilling to change at all. He expects you to do most of the childcare & expects himself to be able to spend lots of time away form his family. That’s he he was raised and what he likely sees as “normal”.

The power imbalance (as another PP put) is massively skewed in his favour. You don’t work atm so your reliant on him for money for essentially everything. He doesn’t support you and understand that a childminder would be beneficial. And to top it off he doesn’t show u any affection& tries it when you are sleeping.

What part of that is attractive, OP?

INeedAFlerken · 24/07/2019 11:14

He's your best friend? Really? Do all your friends take advantage of you and treat your needs as secondary to theirs?

Of course you have laughs together ... he's getting everything he wants and you're putting up with it!

HollowTalk · 24/07/2019 11:19

He's never there.
He's not affectionate.
He tries to have sex with you when you're asleep.
He earns a lot but would begrudge spending money on a nanny to help you out.

I bet he treats himself to whatever he wants, doesn't he?

HollowTalk · 24/07/2019 11:19

I don't understand - he's working in finance but it's seasonal? And because so many people are off on holiday he can come home earlier?

THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

MostlyHappyMummy · 24/07/2019 11:22

Shocked and saddened at what women put up with. But everyone has to decide what they find bearable for themselves. And seems like you feel it's ok for him to have a life and free time and do no proper caring for your baby because that's what you allow to happen.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 24/07/2019 11:26

Shocked and saddened at what women put up with

Me too Sad

Horrid to think the All Powerful Man still exists in marriages in 2019.

ElizaPancakes · 24/07/2019 11:30

Do you have access to money? Because to be honest if I were you I’d be redressing the balance by hiring a nanny for a day or two and just planning stuff and childcare. He doesn’t care to do that for you or to look after his own child so you have some downtime so take the responsibility. If he ‘tells you off’ then he needs to realise you wouldn’t need to do it if he was engaged in family life.

I’m sure it’s easier said than done, but that’s what I would do in your place. Sauce for the goose and gander indeed!