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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a pisstake?

246 replies

probablyneedmoresleep · 24/07/2019 07:57

Let me set the scene: husband works extremely long hours in finance and I’m a SAHM to a 1 year old. Usually in summer husband comes home at 7/8pm instead of midnight. This has not been the case this summer. We haven’t seen him and it’s been extremely disappointing and sad not to have time with him. This morning I find out he has been able to come home earlier but has in fact been going to the gym instead. I’m in rage mode about the fact he would rather do this than see us, and i appreciate he deserves a break but we have a baby - breaks don’t really exist. And when I explained to him this morning it was a pisstake he just continued packing the fucking gym bag. AIBU?

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 24/07/2019 21:35

He could do his 'spreadsheets' at home tho if you have a laptop..... So why is he avoiding coming home is the question? Do you ever have date night or film night? Would that be a start after a frank, calm discussion that you feel like a single Mum?

Original poster
probablyneedmoresleep · 24/07/2019 21:52

Our internet at home is a bit patchy so until we move I understand why he does not want to work from home.

We actually have a few dates - they are during the day when my mother has DS occasionally, and they are always great. However he will often do things, just little things, which i find disrespectful. Getting up in a restaurant whilst I’m still eating and going to use the loo; even if I ask him to wait for me to finish he won’t. Interrupting or talking over me, constantly being on his phone and not listening to me, being short with me when he has a work email to read or respond to. Just little things, but lately they all add up.

OP posts:
Original poster
probablyneedmoresleep · 24/07/2019 21:53

Huncamuncaa

These are all wonderful ideas! I just don’t have the balls to do it, I would be so worried about him looking after DS and how he would cope. And I would feel guilty, although that’s ridiculous.

OP posts:
Huncamuncaa · 24/07/2019 22:12

The guilt is the problem and he will use that. Where is his guilt?

Your parenting role has been carved out because you were thrown in at the deep end with the birth of your child, like everyone else. No one is ready for it. I imagine his life changed very little as he escaped back to work.

Until he has some experience of being thrown in at the deep end, he can not truly be a parent. He will lack confidence and the baby will always be handed back to you. By taking such good control of the parenting, you are giving him the excuse not to step in. He needs to work things out for himself without you. It will be worrying for you but unless you create situations where he needs to solve the everyday problems you have, he will never truly understand what its like for you and you will never have an equal in parenting.

Being a stay at home mum does not mean you are in charge of the kids and he is in charge of the money and how it is spent.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 24/07/2019 22:18

I'd change the locks. That would make him realise he's being a dick. I'm sorry op but if not an affair then maybe sex workers?

Babooshkar · 24/07/2019 22:41

Sorry OP, but I’m not sure what you or your son are really getting out of this situation.. All that’s happening is a repeat of H’s upbringing by the sounds of it.

You’ve pretty much said he shows you absolutely zero repeat across the board AND holds tight on the purse strings.

Why stay? Even if you love him, surely you don’t love being treated like this? And is this the ‘norm’ you want your son to grow up around?

It’s not normal to not be able to leave your son with his father and trust he will be looked after whilst you have a break (and a break that is not performing house chores).

Babooshkar · 24/07/2019 22:42

*respect not repeat

Jellybeansincognito · 25/07/2019 08:17

It makes me sad that you’re calling him a nice man op.

Nice men aren’t disrespectful, inconsiderate, selfish, arrogant, sexual molester’s, and are typically caring, considerate, respectful, selfless. Your husband is definitely not the latter there.

Jellybeansincognito · 25/07/2019 08:18

If he cared, even an ounce. When you spoke to him regards to how you were feeling and asked him to read the thread, he would have.

But as usual, your feelings don’t really matter to him, nor does your or anyone else’s opinion on him.

He couldn’t care less really?

Jellybeansincognito · 25/07/2019 08:25

Negatives:
Disrespectful
Selfish
Inconsiderate
Financially controlling
Stripper of independence
Incapable of looking after own child

Positives:
Financial security (but only at the expense of your independence and emotional wellbeing, whilst he gets to live his life with no change) and of which you have no access to

Tumbleweed

More tumbleweed

Sound of crickets.

You’re not best friends, if that makes it easier for you to accept his behaviour, that’s not good 😥.

NotBeingRobbed · 25/07/2019 08:29

I’ve not read all this but here’s my thoughts. Maybe he actually does have to work late? Someone here says nobody has to work to midnight regularly but actually I have done jobs where you do and you simply cannot leave early.

He is going to the gym. Good. He’s looking after his health and that is important when working very long hours under stress.

Someone says he is so “selfish” for working these hours. But he is bringing home a seriously large amount of money and OP apparently does not work. So that doesn’t seem so selfish on his behalf. How else to pay the bills.

Maybe, just maybe there isn’t an OW. Maybe having a baby is expensive and somebody has to support the family.

Yes, possibly he finds it hard with a baby. But then if the OP is staying home isn’t he keeping up his side of the bargain by working? She will take him to the cleaners if they split.

Even if married people don’t belong to you.

Original poster
probablyneedmoresleep · 25/07/2019 08:32

So he read the thread; and he came home and we had a long(ish) talk about everything on here. He understands perfectly what everyone is saying and mostly agrees. Actually it was a good chat - he took DS this morning for some time so I could get a bit of sleep after a terrible night, and said he wants to do better. He’s given me all the financial info I wanted too.

I’ve explained that whilst marriage is for life in my view, I’m also not a completely twat who will stick around as I’m only 28 and life is too short to stay with someone who is not treating me how I deserve to be treated. This point in particular was fully understood. Have received several nice messages this morning.

I think let’s see 🤷🏻‍♀️ He can have DS on Sunday whilst I go and do stuff I want to do, and he needs to step up and do more. But all in the right direction.

Thank you so much tor all the advice and help!

OP posts:
NotBeingRobbed · 25/07/2019 08:32

Oh, and someone called him “stripper of financial independence”. The OP has a choice in this. Get a job, hire a nanny/book a nursery/childminder/au pair. She has options.

Jellybeansincognito · 25/07/2019 08:33

NotBeingRobbed You definitely need to read the rest.
He’s financially controlling, he tries to have sex with her when she’s asleep, he doesn’t ever take responsibility for his child, he doesn’t let OP have any independence.

Greeve · 25/07/2019 08:35

But it seems things are looking up. Fantastic!

Jellybeansincognito · 25/07/2019 08:35

probablyneedmoresleep I’d be very wary. It wouldn’t surprise me if he arranges to go get some legal advice.

It wouldn’t be a bad thing to do the same yourself. His actions scream to me a way of keeping you ‘sweet’ whilst he figures things out.

I hope I’m wrong though!

SleepingStandingUp · 25/07/2019 08:41

Glad he's trying op but bem indful if not letting it slip. Carve out time for yourself so he has to step up.

You also need to up your standards.
We... have a few dates - and they are always great... Interrupting or talking over me, constantly being on his phone and not listening to me, being short with me when he has a work email to read or respond to

Doesnt sound so great to me.

I've left out the toilet thing cos it's completely in reasonable to expect someone to sit there with a full bladder whilst you sit enjoying your meal be ause you can't be left alone

IncandescentShadow · 25/07/2019 08:43

However he will often do things, just little things, which i find disrespectful. Getting up in a restaurant whilst I’m still eating and going to use the loo; even if I ask him to wait for me to finish he won’t. Interrupting or talking over me, constantly being on his phone and not listening to me, being short with me when he has a work email to read or respond to. Just little things, but lately they all add up.

OP, why did you marry him and have a child with him if you don't actually like him?

Itsnotme123 · 25/07/2019 09:12

He could do alternate nights at the gym as a compromise.

Original poster
probablyneedmoresleep · 25/07/2019 09:13

OP, why did you marry him and have a child with him if you don't actually like him?

What a funny question! Of course I like him! He didn’t act like this when we were dating or just married, funnily enough! He’s obviously just stopped bothering. But he will apparently start again so I’m optimistic

OP posts:
Original poster
probablyneedmoresleep · 25/07/2019 09:13

He could do alternate nights at the gym as a compromise

Yes - he will do 2-3 nights at the gym and come home the other nights and work from home when we have set up a home office

OP posts:
Original poster
probablyneedmoresleep · 25/07/2019 09:18

SleepingStandingUp

I was always taught it’s exceptionally rude to use the loo unless between courses

www.tatler.com/article/bathroom-etiquette-rules-going-to-the-loo

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 25/07/2019 09:24

So you'd prefer your company to sit there will a full bladder, in pain that "disrespect" you by listening to their body?
I can tell you if you said your DH expected you to sit there being the loo because HE was eating and you weren't to leave the table whilst he was doing so, you'd be told he was a controlling dick. It's a meal with your partner, not dinner with the Queen

Original poster
probablyneedmoresleep · 25/07/2019 09:28

I just wouldn’t go to the loo if he was eating! I had about 2 mouthfuls of ice cream to go, he really could’ve waited. It’s sort of neither here nor there if you agree - it’s just one of those things that personally bothers me. A bit like how porn bothers some people and not others ☺️

OP posts:
Benes · 25/07/2019 09:29

Totally off the subject but that article is awful.
If you need the loo you need it....it's not a sign of weakness! If someone told me I had to wait until they'd finished eating before I could go for a pee then I'd be pretty annoyed.

All the other stuff he does is rude though. He doesn't treat you with any respect at all. At best he treats you like staff at worst, an inconvenience.