Is this a pisstake?

[probablyneedmoresleep]

Let me set the scene: husband works extremely long hours in finance and I’m a SAHM to a 1 year old. Usually in summer husband comes home at 7/8pm instead of midnight. This has not been the case this summer. We haven’t seen him and it’s been extremely disappointing and sad not to have time with him. This morning I find out he has been able to come home earlier but has in fact been going to the gym instead. I’m in rage mode about the fact he would rather do this than see us, and i appreciate he deserves a break but we have a baby - breaks don’t really exist. And when I explained to him this morning it was a pisstake he just continued packing the fucking gym bag. AIBU?

You can't really equate the porn industry with letting your partner take a pee when he needs to, can you?

Anyway, the point Inn the rest of my post was you saying how great dates are then listing how he talks over you, sits on his phone etc. You need to have higher standards. And this is coming from someone who let's my husband pee whenever he needs to!

That's not a great analogy. If I don't go for a wee when I need to I run the risk of getting ill. Nobody gets ill from watching or not watching porn.

Of all of his many failings needing the loo isn't one of them!

Actually watching porn can cause huge mental distress, particularly to children who are often exposed to it by “accident”.

It’s not the best analogy but it was the best I could do off the cuff! 😬

He and I were both brought up to “know” (believe) that it’s rude. Like how in school you can’t pee during lessons, but between them. If you don’t think so that’s different, but he did it “knowing” it’s rude.

But this discussion is circular because we won’t agree. He’s 28 and healthy - he would’ve known he needed to pee before the food arrived, and if he didn’t it wasn’t urgent. Anyway the more I explain it the more mental I sound but I know what I mean!

Are you planning on SAH long-term OP, and having more children?
If so, I suggest you get some financial planning done, crucially DH can pay into a pension for you. Did you have a career before you had DC?

He doesn't sound like he's particularly engaged with family life. My BIL is in M&A and there's no doubting that his family take priority. He works constantly, but it's not always at the office and it's often at weekends, but he is very present in his DC's lives and they have a great relationship with him. Does your DH actually see DS very often?

Notbeing that's stretching the analogy a bit too far. We're talking about adults here and comparing watching porn to needing a wee.

OP I think citing this as one of your issues undermines your whole arguement. You've got enough to go on already. Being annoyed because he needed a pee is a little ridiculous. You aren't at school anymore. You're out with a spouse when you should be most relaxed.

Focus on the actual issues otherwise he'll think you're being ridiculous and he won't focus on the important things.

Sorry OP, I posted and suddenly 4 other pages of thread appeared! So I hadn't RTFT and you've probably answered my points already!

But this discussion is circular because we won’t agree i agree which is why i said ultimately it's about your standards. you cant say "we have great dates" and then list a litany of complaints about him being rude to you, ignoring you etc and expect us all to think he's a great guy.

It's good he seems to be trying, just be careful. Either there's the chance it'll just slip slowly and insidiously til you're back here but even more beaten down or as someone else said, he'd humouring you whilst he decides his next move/

You’re a better person than me because I’d be going through his phone by now. You sound so lovely and,to be honest,he sounds like a complete git

The first thing I thought when I read the post was : why do people who "work long hours" have a family at all? It's like coming home to a 2nd job. How and where from do they get the energy?

After reading some comments I'd say that, if I lived with someone who insisted I wait for them to finish food before I go to the toilet, I'd be in the gym every evening too. Or simply wouldn't have a kid with such a person.

It is not a pisstake. He just doesn't want to be around you. I suspect the issue is between the two of you and how you get on and any underlying problems in your relationship, and not at all about his gym going. You need to talk. You need to ask him what is it you do which annoys him and keeps him away from home. And ask him to do certain things for you and your family. Reach some compromise, and do it calmly. Otherwise you might be bringing up your child on your own in a near future. He doesn't sound like a great person - you say he interrupts and talks over you - but neither do you ("rage" mode is not helpful).

BloodyDisgrace

What a deeply unpleasant post! Completely uncalled for and unkind.

We get on extremely well - we usually laugh all the time. Actually last night after we had our long conversation we were back to laughing and it was wonderful.

Thankfully not everyone has interpreted my messages in the negative way that you have, as evidenced by the PP above you who thinks I sound lovely!

He is at work because he is working - he works extremely hard because he enjoys his job and also because being financially successful is important to him. However he also needs to prioritise his family and is going to make the effort to do that.

I’m sure that there are things you find important in a relationship that other people might find silly or too much - no need to be so judgemental/personal!

Great update OP. Glad to hear you are talking openly about the issues and hope that you find a good balance for both of you.

I am glad you are talking. When you do have lunch together could you ask that both of you turn your phones off so that you can enjoy time together. phones really are a menace socially.

I am concerned you cannot go to the loo whilst he is eating, after three DCs if my OH said that, there would be a puddle around my seat to be honest.

You do need to stand your ground if there are silly rules like this.

an otherwise healthy adult man is very unlikely to make himself ill by waiting an extra five minutes to go to the loo, FFS!

Men aren’t nearly as prone to cystitis/UTI’s as women are, for biological reasons, and have larger bladders, ditto - it’s not going to do him any harm and I agree it’s just rude to leave your companion sitting eating alone in a restaurant unless it’s completely unavoidable.

Aren’t most adults with no kidney etc related health issues perfectly capable of anticipating the need to go and making sure they do so before or after the food arrives?

I will never get over the lengths some posters go to to put the OP in the wrong.

I know exactly what you mean, probably!

I am concerned you cannot go to the loo whilst he is eating, after three DCs if my OH said that, there would be a puddle around my seat to be honest.

I doubt very much probably’s DH has given birth to three children.

Why do some people project their own experience onto everyone else in every situation, regardless of how irrelevant it is to the issue at hand?

I'm not trying to prove the op wrong. He sounds like a terrible husband and father.

Of all the issues the OP has the fact her husband went to the toilet while she was still eating is the least of her problems. It's really not worthy of a mention and is actually a bit ridiculous. There are real issues here and this isn't one of them!

Men aren’t nearly as prone to cystitis/UTI’s as women are, for biological reasons, and have larger bladders
Regardless of this, its bad manners. So if there's traffic en route and thry are seated quickly, and just as the first plate arrives OP realises she needs a wee, it's tough. She should sit there and hold it regardless. Or she's allowed to go pee when she needs to and it therefore works both ways.

If a restaurant cooks fresh it can be quite a while from sitting / ordering and waiting for your meal to come it and then it being brought out, eaten slowly whilst you chat and enjoy the meal, a few glasses of liquid imbibed. Three courses. But no one can we because a grown adult can't sit at a table alone in public for 5 minutes. OK then.

*Benes however has it right, this is merely an interesting side note in the ridiculousness of etiquette over common sense and OP has bigger fish to fry

I'd be thinking he either has ow. Or, he cant be bothered helping you to parent

Selfish and shitty either way.

Sorry he’s taking you for an absolute mug. Possibly I’d compromise with him working until 12 one night a week. Anymore than tat and we’d be splitting up. It doesn’t sound like much of a relationship. Sorry Op

He is treating you like a bloody servant not his significant better half. Hate city workers thinking they are all macho, truly pathetic little men.

Next time he try's to pass your DC on to you, refuse. Start making arrangements to do your thing, you do not need his permission. This is the life you and your DC will have to endure if you do not put your foot down.

@probablyneedmoresleep i sgree with @BloodyDisgrace, in this thread you complained about how sad you were for your child and not wanting the same childhood for your DC that your DH had, because his father was never there. So never mind how dare you.

He is an absent father who chooses financial success and the bloody gym over his wife and child, and you enable him.