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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a pisstake?

246 replies

probablyneedmoresleep · 24/07/2019 07:57

Let me set the scene: husband works extremely long hours in finance and I’m a SAHM to a 1 year old. Usually in summer husband comes home at 7/8pm instead of midnight. This has not been the case this summer. We haven’t seen him and it’s been extremely disappointing and sad not to have time with him. This morning I find out he has been able to come home earlier but has in fact been going to the gym instead. I’m in rage mode about the fact he would rather do this than see us, and i appreciate he deserves a break but we have a baby - breaks don’t really exist. And when I explained to him this morning it was a pisstake he just continued packing the fucking gym bag. AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 24/07/2019 08:41

Majorly dodgy-and that is no relationship-you’re his housekeeper! Do you ever see him?

BuckingFrolics · 24/07/2019 08:42

I wouldn't give a man like that houseroom regardless of how much he earned. You are an unpaid nanny and housekeeper with sex available when he fancies it. I cannot see any future in this. He won't know his child, he won't know you, in any meaningful way. He's opted out of family life but as he's a high earner it doesn't look so shit. But it is. Wake up - he's not a good father or husband in my view.

Lemonlady22 · 24/07/2019 08:46

hes using the gym to shower....thats my opinion(take what you will from that)

isthatapugunicorn · 24/07/2019 08:50

Hate to be the voice of doom here, but have also worked in/with financiers, and yes there can be long hours BUT the blokes who's wives thought they worked 18 hour days, or who stayed in London Mon-Fri home on a weekend all had an OW. It was pretty standard with a certain type of posh bloke, girlfriend in the city, wife in the burbs.
Or they were out running around town with the boys, 'networking'...
The decent men/women managed to still take their vacation time, get home once or twice a week for bedtime, and spent time with their families weekends despite the long hours of trading for example.

Pinktinker · 24/07/2019 08:50

Sounds as though he’s actively avoiding family life at all costs. I’d be suspicious of ‘spreadsheets’ taking so many hours too... Alarm bells would be ringing for me.

GPatz · 24/07/2019 08:53

Just smell his gym clothes.

violetbunny · 24/07/2019 08:54

I'd be tempted to turn up at his office on occasional evenings to see if he's really there. Do you ever see his colleagues? If so I'd drop into conversation the hours your DH is supposedly in the office, and see how they react!

Original poster
probablyneedmoresleep · 24/07/2019 08:55

I think this is the point actually;

Since DS was born he has had plenty of nights out, fun things and weekends away.

Aside from 2 hours at the weekend to go to the supermarket which DH thinks is a break (yes, really), I can count on one hand the times I’ve gone for lunch with a friend or anything similar. I have certainly never been able to miss bedtime. I suggested this week that I have never missed bedtime and could go at some point soon out with friends for dinner and he do bedtime and he said “DS would be too sad”. Gee, thanks. Like I want to go now...

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 24/07/2019 08:56

Well, you're not a family right now. You and your child have your life, and he has his - and you and his child are not on his radar. For whatever reason, OW or not, the fact he doesn't even prioritise his own child is awful. You might as well live on your own without him - that way at least you won't always have to be worrying where on earth he is. FWIW, I remember seeing on here last year a woman whose DH was doing the same - packing a gym bag each day and going to the "gym" after work instead of seeing her. Turns out it was so that he could come home in gym clothes and not the clothes that smelt of OW.

Marnie76 · 24/07/2019 08:57

I’m sorry OP, I know and work with a lot of financial very high earners. I don’t know any who would regularly be in the office until midnight working on spreadsheets. At the least they would bring it home to work on. It sounds as though he’s leading some sort of double life. Do you have friends or family you can confide in?

HairyDogsInUnusualPlaces · 24/07/2019 08:58

It is a complete piss take.
I would have a conversation about how relentless looking after the baby is and how you need a break every day/regularly. And that you need him to be more present in family life.
Then ask him to look after your dc for a weekend, (you go away somewhere and leave him to it) so he gets the feel for just how full on it is.
Then have another discussion and ask him to pull his weight more with sharing the childcare/being part of the family.
Make sure you have equal time 'off'. Your time is just as valuable as his, although you don't command the high wage. And your time 'off' is not just when the baby is sleeping as you are still 'on duty' and cannot just go out at will.

I really think, unless you have experienced what it's like looking after a child full time, you have no idea what's involved and how it just doesn't ever stop. So i would make sure he experiences that (for a significant period of time). If you just leave him to it for a couple of hours, he can manage, because nothing else will get done. If he has to step up for the weekend, he must cook, and clean up and bath the baby etc etc.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 24/07/2019 09:00

You're not a wife. You're staff. This is no way to live.

thetimekeeper · 24/07/2019 09:02

I am trying to think of a more measured response to his comment to you on wanting to be able to go out, but I can't get past "what a manipulative prick".

He is taking the piss out of you. Not just with working hours, but more widely.

thetimekeeper · 24/07/2019 09:05

He thinks his son would be sad to be cared for or put to bed by his own father? What a dick to say that to you.

You deserve better.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 24/07/2019 09:05

Hi OP

The more you post, the more of a shit he sounds.

It's one thing if he has to work those hours. And actually I do know friends in high paying city jobs who regularly work 12 hour days.

It's the attitude when he's off.

A lot of people would be desperate to see their 1 year old. He sounds like he is doing everything he can to avoid it.

I'd be very very angry he thinks his free time and hobbies are more important than hours. He gets to go to the gym whenever he feels like it but you only get 2 hours off at the weekend to go to the supermarket?

Why does he think it's ok he works a 60 hour week or whatever but you are 24 7?

Did you discuss division of labour before being a SAHP?

He must think he is much more important than you or looking after the baby is a piece of piss...which seems unlikely given how hes so unwilling to do it

Time for a frank discussion. Ask him to explain why he thinks you're not entitled to any regular time off for relaxing or hobbies. If he says its basically because you have it easier then that should mean he is willing to look after his son one day at the weekend since it's so easy. Why doesn't he want to build a bond with his son? Why does he think it's ok to emotionally blackmail you into doing every single bedtime? Has he ever heard an adult in therapy as their mum went out one night a week and their other parent put them to bed? How does he think your son will ever become ok with him putting him to bed if he never sees him? Or is his plan that you do it until he is old enough to put himself to bed? Ans point out if you split then he would have him every other weekend and one night in the week ans he'd have to do it all himself then

RushianDisney · 24/07/2019 09:05

At least you are married and will be financially protected if you split. Your 'D'H is treating you appallingly whether he is having an affair or not, a big salary and comfortable exsistence doesn't make up for that. You need time for yourself or you will lose your sanity, my DP was the same when we had DD he was never home and thought a 20 minute bath which would end in him putting dd on me to feed was enough of a 'break' for me. And he wasn't earning good money either, and pissing most of it away at the pub. DD is now 3 and it's no different, I wish I had left earlier when I had the option, I'm financially fucked from being a SAHM so stuck for the meantime. I don't think men that monumentally selfish can change. If you don't feel ready to leave, then perhaps look into having a nanny for a few days/mornings a week so you can have a life of your own.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 24/07/2019 09:06

“DS would be too sad”

Emotional blackmail now, is it? He's basically keeping you under lock and key.

Get a babysitter. Go out. And think about how much your husband actually contributes to family life part from money.

Two hours supermarket shopping is a break? A paid housekeeper wouldn't tolerate that shit!

munemema · 24/07/2019 09:07

Jesus wept. He's never there in the week and he's still having "weekends" (plural) away? Your DC is still a baby so even if it's been two, its too many, in a year or so.

What's in this for you OP?

Pinkyyy · 24/07/2019 09:11

If he had that job when you met him, YABU to complain about his hours. The gym thing is selfish but not really suspicious in my eyes.

DownToTheSeaAgain · 24/07/2019 09:12

I think you have to weigh it up. Do you enjoy the money and lifestyle? Are you prepared to effectively be a well off single parent? If yes then find some good babysitters and go out when you want. Operate as if he wasn't really there as it sounds like he isn't, either physically or emotionally.

lemonsandlimes123 · 24/07/2019 09:12

If he is working those sorts of hours in M&A he must be bringing home a fortune, therefore you have lots of options to make your life easier. Looking after a baby is not some 24/7 sentence particularly if you have funds. If yiu want to go to the gym and do those sorts of things then get a nanny. At the moment you are acting the martyr and having a shit life. Take back some control.

EL8888 · 24/07/2019 09:13

It's a piss take. It's nice he can do what he wants. Yet your life has changed completely and lm guessing you have very little you time. He’s very selfish and thoughtless

Scorpiovenus · 24/07/2019 09:14

Yeas I work in finance and they wish if they get 15 mins overtime. Plus I really don't think he is at work. Maybe OW or a casino or something. But that's not right and sorry but those hours isn't even worth 100k

EL8888 · 24/07/2019 09:14

A trip to the supermarket is a break?!? He knows how to spoil you

pillowtlki · 24/07/2019 09:15

OP is he in audit/big 4? if so then I 100% believe that he's been busier in the summer this year. If not, then can't help really.

Hope you're ok.