Is this a pisstake?

[probablyneedmoresleep]

Let me set the scene: husband works extremely long hours in finance and I’m a SAHM to a 1 year old. Usually in summer husband comes home at 7/8pm instead of midnight. This has not been the case this summer. We haven’t seen him and it’s been extremely disappointing and sad not to have time with him. This morning I find out he has been able to come home earlier but has in fact been going to the gym instead. I’m in rage mode about the fact he would rather do this than see us, and i appreciate he deserves a break but we have a baby - breaks don’t really exist. And when I explained to him this morning it was a pisstake he just continued packing the fucking gym bag. AIBU?

My husband frequently works long hours- midnight/2am is not unusual BUT he comes home first at 6pm, eats dinner with us and goes back to work in our home office between 8pm and midnight.

Could your OH do this?

Pinkky, I think it's hardly likely that he was working til midnight and having weekends away with the lads when they met, when would they have ever managed a date?

Even if he was, things change when you have a baby. I imagine OP had a job when they met too.

He should be stepping up & being there/wanting to be there.

At least with his huge salary you can hire help/afford to return to work.

Blimey, OP. It sounds like a hefty dose of presenteeism and family-time-avoidance to me. I used to see it a lot - men hanging around the office doing "busy work" (or supervising their poor assistant doing the work, or surfing the internet, or practicing their putting…) until it was safely after the children's bedtime.

Do you have your own money (does he pay you, in effect, for all you do?) If so could you organise childcare for a couple of evenings a week and at least go to the gym or out with some friends? a 1 year old would usually be ok being put to bed by a sitter now and again. (if DH doesn't like it he could come home and do it himself… nothing better to bond with a child than a cosy bedtime routine)

Can you get your supermarket shopping delivered during the week and take the 2 hours (so generous) supermarket time and do something for yourself?

Do you have an exit strategy?

What happens at the weekend? Holidays?

If he really needs to put in the hours. Set up a home office.
My DH had to work extra hours in the evening (not finance). So most evenings he would come home for dinner, which we took turns to cook. Played with, bathed, put to bed our DS. Then went and did some extra hours on the computer. Usually there was at least one evening a week when he had to stay late at work but never til midnight.
He played a sport rather than going to the gym, but he agreed to cut back when our DS was young and gradually built it back up again as he got older. He was a very hands on dad and I always got some me time of an evening or part of a weekend when he parented. Once a month ( I used to go sometimes) he used to take our DS to visit my MIL and FIL for most of the day on a Sunday. So I had time to myself.

This sounds like slave labour. I mean for you. Not him.

Sorry OP, but there is no one who can consistently work or be expected to work til midnight on a regular basis, no matter how important the job. It just doesn't happen. Sorry OP. He's a prick.

If he had that job when you met him, YABU to complain about his hours

He had these hours but always came home at 7/8 during the summer. Please notice the summer hours are what I am complaining at, not his normal hours. I knew what I signed up for.

lemonsandlimes123

He is very cautious with money and would probably say no to a nanny. I’m not being a martyr it’s just the division of labour. Which i am fine with - i always knew I would do 100% during the week and all the nights etc. I just didn’t anticipate this random gym bollocks and his attitude to free time.

Best example is: we were at a wedding away this weekend with DS. He did help out during the day a lot - pushed buggy to get DS to sleep etc but didn’t understand that the way we divided the time - eg he helped out during the day but then at 8.45 I went to bed with DS and he partied until 1am, wasn’t really “equal” time. Because during the day I also had DS and I couldn’t relax and have fun as DH kept bringing him
To me if he was upset etc. He doesn’t really
get it. I can’t even cook dinner at the weekend for us without him bringing DS to me anytime he is grizzling.

Coffeeonthesofa

We have just bought a house with an office and I will absolutely put my foot down and suggest this. Good idea

Shadowboy

The commute is 45 mins so unlikely, unfortunately

The fact that you think he will say no to a nanny, says everything, where are you in any decision making?

I would leave him as you are not getting either a partner or the financial benefit of an absent partner but a high earner.

Piss take is putting it mildly. I'm astounded at how selfish he's being. Yes you signed up to long hours but you didn't sign up to him being able to do what the hell he likes while you only get to have your supermarket 'breaks'.

What was his family like growing up? If he had a father he barely saw and a Mother who did everything at home maybe he thinks that's how things are meant to be. Not that it would excuse it at all.

What was his family like growing up? If he had a father he barely saw and a Mother who did everything at home maybe he thinks that's how things are meant to be. Not that it would excuse it at all.

Exactly how it was, funnily enough! Except that staff were provided to assist.

I'm not saying that he's not at work, by any means, but I've worked in finance for years. My job meant sometimes I really did have to be there late (think crisis management). Most of the senior men who stayed that late were choosing to do so. Yes, they probably got spreadsheets done, or meetings, and it was the best time to be around if you needed to chat to someone about something or get some advice - but they could have gone, if they wanted to.

So from my experience, in the Summer he has typically chosen to leave earlier and come home to you, and this Summer he has unilaterally decided to go to the gym (for a pretty long time?!) after work instead. I don't at all begrudge people the gym, I need it to destress if I'm working long hours, but I'd be querying both why he didn't discuss this with you and what has changed.

From your last comment, it could just be that he doesn't know how to settle his son if he's grizzly/upset and feels a bit useless. Or he could be opting out of family life, or I guess there could be someone else. You're in the best position to know which is more likely.

I'm with @coffeeonthesofa though, he could spend that time in a home office - which would be better or worse depending on whether having him in the house but not helping would be more or less frustrating for you and DS!

He is now saying he goes to the gym for a few hours whilst analysts do work he assigns and he then goes back to the office to check on the work.

Like a pp said, his childhood experience would have affected his parenting views. Did he go to an all boys school? Was it boarding? In my experience these factors have led to some strange parenting.

You need to own your role in this dynamic. You are an equal partner who gets equal say in how family funds are divided. If he is unable to pitch in and do a decent share of the work then pay someone else to do it.

It is not reasonable to work 24/7 for anyone.

Sounds like he is off on jollies most of the time he is 'working'.

I think he has outside interests too.

Oo cross posted!

How much access do you have to money op?

He's stringing you along. You can either put up with it or bring it to a head.

I felt genuine rage reading this! Small babies are HARD, and he's kissing about at the gym while you're effectively being a single parent?! Honestly...and this is going to sound very mercenary bur you have a child and have to protect your own position...what I would in your situ would be to say nothing more on the subject, secretly build up a decent escape fund and get my ducks in a row and then leave (or kick him out). To be honest, it sounds suspiciously like he may have someone else on the sidelines anyway. Maybe do some digging? You can at least capitalise on his affair guilt to your advantage if he is. If your baby is very young and you the primary carer, you should at least get a reasonable amount of child maintenance to help you build a new life. You'll cope so much better doing what you're already doing but without the resentment of knowing there's another parent who could help but is hiding away and deliberately leaving you to the struggles! Then once your DC is old enough you'll be able to have entire days and nights of free time while your 'D'H has him. Honestly, you're not overreacting. He's a prick!

Why would you agree to do all week and nights in the first place? Did he lay out exactly what conditions he would agree to co-parent with you and you said yes to them?

That's how it sounds to me, like you knew his values around parenting and these would not shift but you wrongly thought you could handle it and now you're faced with the reality of the social status you assumed.

*pissing about

jellybeansincognito

Unfettered access actually, so I could actually just find someone to help and deal with him later. I am overseeing a house renovation and his father told him I should hire someone to help with our son as that’s quite a busy job and I can’t do it with DS there but that has not come to pass... i worry about putting him under financial pressure.

I would also like to point out that i wanted to restart horse riding at 9am once a week but he wouldn’t allow this - his initial response was about him being left with DS so much (for 75 minutes), which he then had to back track and make about money. Which given his salary and how many club memberships he pays for (and doesn’t EVER use - eg Queen’s) is also a Joke: i think that didn’t help my reaction re his gym time.

Selfish pisstaker indeed.

You need to book yourself a weekend away, perhaps this weekend, and hand him his child when he gets home Friday ... insist he comes home ... and then leave. Tell him you'll be back Monday morning.

Make him step up. Or tell him you'll be considering stepping out of the marriage if he won't start treating your needs for downtime as equal to his.