To think I've blown it? Came on too strong?

[laughoutloudt]

I'm casually dating someone and we've been getting on great.
We speak every day and have fun together.
I've asked him twice if he wants to do something and both times he said he had plans.
Am I coming on too strong by not going with the flow?
He's texting me every day still and he said he just needs me to relax and not be so intense.

He’s messing you around. He likes the ego boost of having you on the end of the phone but doesn’t want anything more.

Trouble is I think you’ve made him SO important. You’ve made him into this amazing person who you have to win and I can’t see any evidence to support him being this prize really.

I don’t think he’s messing you about necessarily but he’s defo chilled but that’s just compared to you because you seem obsessed and are watching his every move and trying to figure out what he means all the time.

He means what he’s showing you, he likes you, enjoys your company and is in no rush for anything else.

Doesn’t sound like that suits you tbh so maybe you should move on....... he’ll defo be back in touch and then you’ll be all happy again cos it proves that he luuuuuurves you and then he’ll have a busy day (or whatever) and you’ll go back into panic mode. Life is short, spend it wisely 💐

Please get some self respect and focus on self love before you go back into the dating game, you are coming across as very needy and I'm struggling to understand how you can not see that? The desperation is very apparent.

Don't send that dramatic message of goodbye, you'll sound unhinged and confirm to him that you are needy.

Phase him out, be unavailable, and move on. You don't need to do much else.

Although I know you won't do the above, this level of validation you need so early on is rather cringe.

You need to accept that people can be busy they won't message you constantly, anything could be going on. Furthermore, YOU ARE NOT YET OFFICIAL. You're still getting to know one another, why can you not relax a little? Everything is so intense with you it seems.

Honestly, if I were him and I received the goodbye message you want to send I would laugh and thank the heavens I avoided someone so clingy.

@TeddybearBaby Absolutely! I agree with your post 100%.

OP please read ‘Why Men Love Bitches’, I think you would find it useful. And stop giving this man so much of your mental head space. Get off WhatsApp and go out and live your life!

Op please don't message him. Your silence is a clear enough message.

When he told you he was so happy you fancied him, was this before you slep together? He sounds like a shit, please dont waste your time. Benefit from our experience and dump him. I expect you won't though and I didn't in your postion, I just let him continue to treat me like shit. He will not have an epiphany and love you like you want.

You should stay single, go get therapy, read books on being strong and independent and man up! You need a slap and a shake - if you were my bestie I would give you one. But you aren’t so just calm the fuck down and go meditate or something!!!!!
Oh and I would run a mile if I were him. After I shagged you.
He is not the man you are going to marry so move on. To a therapist, not another man.
Sorry. #toughlove xxx

Everything you’ve said reminds me of a horribly similar situation I was in years ago, OP, to the point where I could have written your posts. I can only echo all the spot-on advice PPs have already given:

1. Forget him. Really. He does not want a relationship with you.

1. Spend some time away from dating and give some serious thought to why you’re feeling bad about yourself, because it goes deeper than this particular guy - he’s just the trigger for the feelings you’re having, not the root cause.

If it’s any consolation, I eventually told the hot-and-cold guy I was seeing where to go and got a little more self respect back. Spent six months being kind to myself until I actually felt happily single... then met DH and not once did he keep me guessing about whether he was interested. I knew he was different because he only ever made me feel like I knew where I stood. That’s what you deserve too, and I’m sure you’ll find it. But not with this joker - bin him and get yourself to a better emotional place first.

@laughoutloudt

A guy who likes you and wants to spend time with you will be drawn towards you, will text you and will want to see you physically.

A guy who is not into you will make excuses not to meet up, not reply to texts and you will be the one doing the chasing. He will only get in touch when he wants something, i.e. a late-night booty call!

I think you need to calm down and let things happen naturally.

If you continue with the way you are going, then he will turn into the guy who ignores you. Men like to be around a fun, non-problematic, sexy and confident woman who want a guy but doesn't necessarily need one.

The moment you start becoming needy, insecure, desperate and send off negative and worried emotions/vibes, he will suddenly not feel happy or positive around you, and then that makes the relationship harmful as well.

My advice is to keep the mystery alive. Focus on your own life, your career, friends, what is happening in your world, do not always be so available for him but do not play games either.

Answer his texts but do not ask to see him again until he is the one asking to meet up. This part is crucial!!!

If he asks what you are doing or something when he texts, tell him you are out with friends, at the gym, doing your work, and actually make plans and do things, so you are telling the truth.

In summary, be confident and full of sass, and he will come running!

truth be told,I just want him.
I know it's pathetic and he's proved he doesn't care but I really do.

And he knows that. He's got you dangling. If he cared about you you'd know by now.

Chill. Take the advice about spending more time loving yourself.
Block, and move on.

know he's happy to be as and when (on his terms )

The problem is ‘on his terms’. He’s obviously very selfish, he won’t change. FWIW I’m sure he does like you, but he sounds like he’s got a few issues. You should move on.

Btw, he will text you again at some and try to rekindle things, once he’s sure he’s rejected you enough to make sure you do everything ‘on his terms’. Trust me, you do not want to go out with this guy.

OP, I don't mean to be unkind but your attitude is extremely immature for someone in their 30s. This man does not care about you enough to maintain the type of contact you are after. In fact, I would have stopped trying to get his attention after he turned me down for a date and didn't suggest an alternative day (yikes).

I was in a similar position in my 20s. I met a guy who clearly wasn't over his ex girlfriend who had cheated on him 2 months before. He would constantly act like my boyfriend - dates were arranged, sex, he came to my graduation, my sisters wedding etc. But, he always told me to stop being "intense" when I asked what we were. This escalated over a few months to him calling me "unhinged" and "abusive" when I got upset that he was flirting with other girls over text. We spent a lot of time together but ALWAYS on his terms. This went on for TWO YEARS and we were never boyfriend and girlfriend in that time. I found out some years later than he was shagging various women during our "relationship".

My advice is do not want for a man to change his mind about commitment when he's giving you clear and direct signs he doesn't want you. If he did, he'd be arranging to see you. Texting someone means nothing at all.

There is always nothing for you to understand. Dating is intuitive. You know deep down this man doesn't want a relationship with you, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.

There's also a possibility that the texting you sometimes is a way to let you down gently. You've had sex and you're way too clingy - he's probably trying to ease out of a situation he thinks could turn stressful.

This situation will drive you insane, deplete all self worth and leave you a wreck when he finally does fuck you off. Fuck him off now. Hes said don't be intense, so don't be.

The final fuck you text will be a mistake, and he most likely won't reply anyway. Block him.

I'm guessing you won't take this advice and you'll crack on, as I did, but please do be aware of how detrimental that will be to your wellbeing.

I promise there is a guy out there who would fall over himself for a chance to date you.

The reply to these kinds of problems is always 'he's just not that into you'. Stop wasting your time and cut off all contact as you're deluding yourself about being happily casual.

Don't waste any more time on him. He's not that into you if asking him twice if he wants to do something is 'too strong'. Probably keeping his options open. Sorry. You can do way better!

I really fear OP that if you don't work on your self-esteem that once this man has gone you'll latch onto the next and become almost leech-like for their attention. I do think you need to address your self-worth. Work on it. What sort of things make you happy? Who were you before you became so undone by this man? Have you ever felt confident, strong and attractive?

I really am not sticking the boot in. I have been where you are - a lot of women have.

He doesnt want to go out with you.
He messages you to keep you interested in him for his ego boost.
There is no future in this.
There is no future in any relationship that makes you feel worthless.

Do some work on your self esteem and boundaries, or youll end up with a shit bloke who shows just enough interest in you that you feel grateful.

If he isn't sure what he wants,I wish he would just be open with me and say that.

I get where your coming from, but he won't. He can't be honest and direct because he's got issues. He seems confident but he's insecure. He can handle texting all the time but not going out. He can't manage an honest conversation and isn't able to behave like a reasonable person.

This is because he is not a reasonable person. I don't think its as simple as he's not that in to you, and that's why all the mixed signals. He is into you, but this is all he's capable of. You don't want this.

Please don't accept being treated like this.

He is telling you loud and clear by his actions that he's just not that into you. You don't need him to say the actual words.

If you accept this now and it does limp along for longer than he'll know you'll accept being treated terribly and be will do as he wants.

Find that self respect.

Classic fuck boy. Doesn’t want to commit because he just left a long term relationship so wants to take things slowly. By slowly he means meet to fuck when it suits him and only contact you when he’s bored and maybe lonely.

You’re over invested. It’s not your fault, you’ve just fallen for the wrong one this time. Brush yourself off and move on, I’d block his number in all honesty.

OP he's told you he doesn't want to rush things. He's told you twice he doesn't want to meet up when you've asked him. He's told you to chill out and that you're too intense for him.

I know you don't want to hear it but it's VERY likely he's messaging you when he's a bit bored because he knows you'll always reply and fill the time, but in reality he's not that bothered about you when he's got other stuff on.

You really need to accept that he is telling you and showing you he isn't that into you.

I know it's not a nice thing to hear but its really early on so you need to cut your losses and move on.

You can't persuade someone into liking you more than they do. Again not saying this to be harsh but you're agonising over why he's doing what he's doing rather than thinking about whether it's making you happy - you're incompatible and it's not going to work.

Be kind to yourself and find someone who is as excited about you as you are about them