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Original poster

To think I've blown it? Came on too strong?

146 replies

laughoutloudt · 23/07/2019 10:00

I'm casually dating someone and we've been getting on great.
We speak every day and have fun together.
I've asked him twice if he wants to do something and both times he said he had plans.
Am I coming on too strong by not going with the flow?
He's texting me every day still and he said he just needs me to relax and not be so intense.

OP posts:
IHaventGotAnyStuff · 23/07/2019 12:16

If you've only.had sex once I wouldn't necessarily think he was only after a fuck buddy. He may just be cautious if hed had a difficult break up.

That being said, my now DH had 3 dates in the first week. We set up the 3rd one on the first date for a week later but then, at the end of the first date, he said he couldn't wait another week so we met up again mid week. We text every other day in the early days if that makes any difference (soon became daily) but we regularly met up. It was easy and I felt we were on the page from the outset

1forAll74 · 23/07/2019 12:19

I am sure that you could have a nice new relationship with this guy,if you stopped all this stupid texting at all times. I honestly don't see the point in it. People need some space.

missbattenburg · 23/07/2019 12:19

Why does this remind me of the following friends scene...

03:30 onwards.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 23/07/2019 12:25

Saying that you're intense and need to calm down isn't that gentle or empathetic. You've been seeing each other for a couple of months (!) and he's turned you down flat for two dates recently, and then said you're too intense and you need to calm down. It feels a bit like you are being reeled in and pushed away. If you respond to being rejected, by which I mean, your feelings intensify, you feel like shit, crushing self-doubt etc, then this could run and run.

Who is looking after you, here? I think you are being messed with by someone who just isn't that interested. If you do find that you're inevitably attracted to people that are unavailable, maybe that is something to work on.

Cut him off, focus on putting yourself first and see what the future holds. Look after yourself.

Lemoneeza · 23/07/2019 12:26

he's giving you just enough crumbs to keep you interested/ give you hope/ keep his options open.
sounds like you want different things at this stage. suggest you stop contacting him and look for someone who wants a proper relationship.

Original poster
laughoutloudt · 23/07/2019 12:34

Yesterday he was messaging me lots
Today I've had to initiate conversation twice and the last text he replied and didn't make conversation
Every day is a up and down roller coaster
Some days I think he must like me then days like today I feel worthless
I honestly don't know what I've done wrong with him.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/07/2019 12:39

Honestly, OP, if someone makes you feel worthless you really should do everything you can to avoid them.

If someone makes you feel you've done something wrong, when you know in your heart you haven't, you should avoid them.

He makes you feel awful. The fact he draws you in every now and again and makes you feel good, doesn't mean you should stay with him, when the rest of the time he makes you feel terrible.

Screw up your courage and end it. Be prepared for him to be all over you until he knows you're back in his thrall, and then be prepared to feel awful again.

Original poster
laughoutloudt · 23/07/2019 12:42

After he said no about last Friday I went out Friday night and soon as he seen me going out he started messaging.
Then the Saturday he was messaging a lot
Sunday I was out for the day and he was asking where I was etc
I can't stand not knowing
I want him to just tell me one way or another
Are you wanting to see me even if casually or not but he won't

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 23/07/2019 12:42

You are way over invested in this man, you barely know him?

Someone once told me (a date actually) “dating should not feel like hard work, if it does then they are not the one for you”. Your getting stressed after only a couple dates, it should be fun and exciting not stressful. He has you questioning things (his feelings towards you) and he doesn’t reassure you. Being harsh here......he’s not interested, he just wants someone on call when he wants a shag. Move on.

SpaceCadet4000 · 23/07/2019 12:43

You've done nothing wrong OP- people click or they don't, it's more complex than presenting yourself in a certain way. He's said it himself- he's not long out of a relationship and anything official scares him, so the timing is shot for a start. I'd walk away and look for someone who is sure of where they are at.

And don't judge your worth on a man.

VivienneHolt · 23/07/2019 12:46

I honestly don't know what I've done wrong with him.

OP, it’s not you! His attention isn’t something you earn by being a sufficiently Cool Girl. He’s blowing hot and cold because he doesn’t know what he wants and isn’t interested in committing.

You deserve better than this.

GetMeOffThisCycleOfMisery · 23/07/2019 12:47

I will be brutally honest with you. From my experience of dating, if a man REALLY wants to be with you and doesn't want another guy to snap you up, then he will make sure he's with you.

If you're not exclusive (which it sounds like you're not), get back out there on other dates. I was in a similar position to you with one guy, so I cut my losses. He was kind, generous, hilarious and so good looking, but he just wasn't as into me as I was him.

I got back on dating and met my now-DP of 5 years, a few months later.

CatInADoghouse · 23/07/2019 12:53

If you've asked him if you're seeing each other and he's not giving you a straight answer then that in itself is your answer. Please don't waste any more time on this guy. He just sounds like he's using you.

dollybooo · 23/07/2019 12:54

OP do those 'plans' involve going out instead of him just err getting his end away ???

Wanting to do normal adult things together is pretty normal & he is calling that 'intense' ConfusedConfusedConfused

I too wouldn't waste anymore time on this fuckboy.... it sounds pretty clear what he's after & that involves no couple like things.

Time to get rid I think OP!

Original poster
laughoutloudt · 23/07/2019 12:55

No I didn't ask if we are seeing each other.
I said are you wanting to get together soon,if you don't want too just let me know.
No pressure

OP posts:
dollybooo · 23/07/2019 12:57

OP there is a book called 'Maybe he's just not that into you'

I suggest you read it.

HollowTalk · 23/07/2019 12:57

This is how men like this work, OP! He's a classic case.

He love bombs you then withdraws. You feel great when he love bombs you and feel terrible when he withdraws. You feel so terrible that when he draws you back in, you are relieved and interpret that as happiness. Then, once he has you back, he withdraws again.

You will go mad if you stay with this man. You will never know where you are.

If you don't believe me, look at what you have actually said:

After he said no about last Friday - he was withdrawing

I went out Friday night and soon as he seen me going out he started messaging - he's pulling you back in.

Then the Saturday he was messaging a lot - this was in reaction to you going out - you didn't do what he wanted you to do.

Sunday I was out for the day and he was asking where I was - he's trying to pull you back in again.

Original poster
laughoutloudt · 23/07/2019 13:05

Sunday and Yesterday I was over the moon how much he was texting...I started giving him benefit of the doubt.
Today I feel dreadful
I can't stand it.
I would rather he disappeared for good than hot and cold.

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 23/07/2019 13:17

You are both in your 30's ...... Really you need to rein it in text back at your leisure.

Arrange events with girlfriends - men like a woman who is independent - a woman who haS her own life and her own routine.

Branleuse · 23/07/2019 13:25

id forget this one. Hes probably married

Original poster
laughoutloudt · 23/07/2019 13:27

I just feel like he is so hot and cold with me.
One minute I feel like he is so into me ...the next I feel like a pest.
If he isn't sure what he wants,I wish he would just be open with me and say that.
I have had this worried feeling since I asked him to go out.

OP posts:
Boysey45 · 23/07/2019 13:31

OP if he was genuinely interested in you, he would be spending time with you in person, no excuses. Texts mean absolutely nothing at all. It doesn't matter how many texts he sends at all.
I'd block him and move on, I'd be astounded if you ended up having a relationship with him. Also saying things like dating scares him? yes but he'll fuck you though wont he?
Your self esteem will be on the ground if you let him play games with you.Please move onX.

Original poster
laughoutloudt · 23/07/2019 13:36

What do I do now?
Try and make him jealous ?
Show him I'm going out everywhere ?

OP posts:
fuckoffwinter · 23/07/2019 13:38

He doesn't want a relationship with you. When you're into someone you can't wait to see them. He's turned down seeing you. It sounds like the dates you go on are on his terms.
You're an option for him. If you can't stand not knowing, then take the option away from him and make the decision yourself. Block him and move on. He's not worth your worry or time.

MabelMoo23 · 23/07/2019 13:39

You’ve said it yourself.
“You feel worthless” and you want to see a man who makes you feel like this???

Cut your losses, chalk it up to fun and honestly walk away.

Nobody should make anyone feel worthless!!! Why is that acceptable? Know your worth!

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