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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I've blown it? Came on too strong?

146 replies

laughoutloudt · 23/07/2019 10:00

I'm casually dating someone and we've been getting on great.
We speak every day and have fun together.
I've asked him twice if he wants to do something and both times he said he had plans.
Am I coming on too strong by not going with the flow?
He's texting me every day still and he said he just needs me to relax and not be so intense.

OP posts:
DuMondeB · 23/07/2019 10:43

It shouldn’t be this hard in the beginning.

Find someone more compatible. You deserve someone that doesn’t leave you trying to puzzle things out on Mumsnet.

hadthesnip2 · 23/07/2019 10:55

How old are you both ?

How did you meet (online or irl) ?

How many times have you been out together & what did you do (pub /meal/stayed in) ?

Sounds like to me that he's playing the field - Multi-dating & is happy doing so. Of course he likes the texting......makes him feel good.

If that not for you then best leave him to it & move on.

VladmirsPoutine · 23/07/2019 11:06

I think some women have a habit of working themselves into a state over this sort of thing whilst a guy just sees it quite straight-forwardly. That is given he's the decent sort. Yes there are men that play games but all things being equal some women do run themselves into a delirium trying to work out what the comma meant or the full-stop and the use of their language in a text etc.

Calm down.

It shouldn't be difficult in the early days but equally you need to look at whether it's you driving yourself mad or his actions. If he's told you to rein it in because you asked him out twice then put him in the bin. Don't tell him to leave you alone or whatever if he's not interested - that is the height of batshittery!

laughoutloudt · 23/07/2019 11:07

Both early 30s
I've known him years,we have a few mutual friends.
We have been out around 6-7 times now
Since end of may now.
He hasn't been single too long tho,that is the only thing.

OP posts:
laughoutloudt · 23/07/2019 11:12

We have been to cinema,a concert,drinks etc

OP posts:
TheRedBarrows · 23/07/2019 11:14

"I was also asking him if he wasn't interested tell me and il find someone who is
I said what's wrong why don't you want to go out etc"

Yes, this is too intense.

You make one suggestion for a date.

If he doesn't take it up, wait for him to make the next suggestion - you leave the ball in his court.

Then also wait for him to text you.

There is something to be said for the old 'playing hard to get' routine.

But if he texts, reply, or if he makes a suggestion for a date, accept or suggest an alternative.

To be honest the fact that he turned down your dates without offering an alternative suggests he is keeping you hanging on with texts as his insurance policy, his rainy day plan for if he doesn't have another date.

i would stop texting him.

If he is interested he will work to get you back. If he doesn't all you are doing is undermining your own self respect.

Oldraver · 23/07/2019 11:15

Who suggested the dates you been orefiously been on ?

Juliehooligan · 23/07/2019 11:16

He is treating you like a friend with benefits, it’s all about him and not what you want. Keep him as a friend and that’s it, go and find anther man who will be interested in you.

Macaroni46 · 23/07/2019 11:16

I think your best bet is to step back a bit. Withdraw attention. Don't reply to his messages for a day or two. Be busy. Play it cool. Let him pursue you. If he's interested he will - harsh but true.
I've been there OP. Dating is hard and can be soul destroying. I feel your pain. You think you've met someone nice and genuine then they go all vague on you!
Hold your head up high and be proud to be you. He needs to make the effort now if he wants you. Don't chase him.
I wish you the best of luck, I really do. Thanks

laughoutloudt · 23/07/2019 11:19

Since the other day when I said all over this,he has been getting in touch more.
Also initiating chat more.
He suggested the last date at the cinema.
He said to me after not being single long the word "dating " scares him.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/07/2019 11:22

Are you sleeping with him? It sounds horribly like he'll see you when it's convenient to him and when he wants sex.

laughoutloudt · 23/07/2019 11:24

We have slept together yeah

OP posts:
TanMateix · 23/07/2019 11:29

Well, if the word “dating” scares him, he probably is not ready for being sleeping with other people.

IMO... you want different things, it seems to me he is just interested in the sex and is being nice to you because that procures it.

Too intense my arse. He is using you.

IlluminatiParty · 23/07/2019 11:32

He's enjoying the sex but doesn't want a girlfriend.

If you want an exclusive boyfriend you'll need to cut this guy off. He's messaging you because of the sex.

I STILL get messages from online dates/ one night stands from five or six years ago because we had sex and they're angling for a brucey bonus fuck even now, despite not having spoken or seen each other in years. I am certain they don't give a scooby do about me as a potential partner!

namechangeninjaevervigilant · 23/07/2019 11:36

It’s actually very simple. If he wanted to go out with you and was free to do so then he’d go out with you. He isn’t going out with you. Actions speak louder than words.

Move on OP and stop wasting your time

laughoutloudt · 23/07/2019 11:36

We've only had sex once
The rest of the time we just kissed

OP posts:
ContactLight · 23/07/2019 11:46

He is not long out a relationship and is still getting used to that. He's not ready for another relationship by the looks of it. Although he enjoys your company he doesn't want to get embroiled in being one half of a couple yet.
Give him some breathing space.
If that doesn't suit you then you'll need to find someone else.

AlexaAmbidextra · 23/07/2019 11:49

So dating scares him but sex doesn’t? You’re a fuck buddy. Move on.

Lovemusic33 · 23/07/2019 12:00

Make yourself less available, text him less, tell him your busy.

It is early days so I do understand that he may not be ready to make it official, I would say it’s too soon after only a couple dates, I usually have a 5 date rule before even discussing being an official couple.

If you have already had sex with him he may just be texting to keep you interested for when he requires a shag? I have been in this situation several times. I would back right off.

MabelMoo23 · 23/07/2019 12:03

Viviene couldn’t have put it better.

It’s not difficult. Men are fairly simple creatures and if he wants to see you, he’ll see you. You won’t be stressing about deciphering messages because it will be quite simple - and I say that as someone who was in this position for 10 years!!!!!!

You’ve asked him twice and he’s accepted or at least suggested an alternative “can’t do then, but about how about doing x on x?”

I’ve no doubt he likes you and wants to see you. On a casual basis, for sex. Which if you want that, is fine.

But you don’t, you want a relationship and that’s ok. There’s nothing bunny boiler-ish about wanting a stable happy relationship but don’t kid yourself this man is it.

He wants fun by the sound of it, and that’s ok too. He’s just not right for you and what you are looking for. So move on.

Know your worth. Please please don’t hang on, waiting for him to throw you a morsel of attention. You’ll waste so much time doing that and is that all you are worth? Waiting for him to beckon you when he fancies a shag? No!!!!!! Of course not.

Unless you specifically want a bit of no strings fun, please don’t waste any more time with him.

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou

AgathaF · 23/07/2019 12:03

He's texting me every day still and he said he just needs me to relax and not be so intense - he sounds pretty intense to be texting you daily, not you. I think he's just keeping you dangling.

CatInADoghouse · 23/07/2019 12:04

It is a bit heavy. It sounded confrontational and a bit like you're giving him an ultimatum. You've only been out a few times, give the guy a chance to breathe. He said he had plans twice which isn't a big deal in itself. I'd let him come to you next time and suggest meeting up again (anything apart from just sleeping together otherwise you're just fwb). He might be just wanting to keep his options open. Have you discussed if you're exclusive?

Boysey45 · 23/07/2019 12:05

I'd say he wasn't interested because if he was then he would have suggested another date if he couldn't make the ones you suggested.
I'd pull right back and let him suggest the next one and then just say you'll let him know later... Keep him hanging, hes playing with you OP and not terribly bothered.

I'd mentally move on myself and be looking at other options.

TanMateix · 23/07/2019 12:11

If just kissing and one time sex is so intense, you already know he doesn’t want to be more involved than he currently is, so I would say, release him back into the wild where he belongs.

Having said that, it seems to me you are already hooked in the cycle of “he will change if I do this and that”, which is what takes women to put up with nasty men and stay in unsatisfactory relationships.

So enjoy the ride, it would only last until she finds the “one”.

TanMateix · 23/07/2019 12:11

He

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