Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Joint finances / DH has given up work for career change

181 replies

1000000Dreams · 21/07/2019 11:16

DH and I have been married 4 years and have separate bank account with a joint account for bills. We each pay 50% of mortgage, bills, car but I tend to be the one who does food shopping. We pay for our own mobile phone bills, hobbies, any credit cards or loans that are our own, our own cars when we had two cars and he pays child support for his DD from his money.

Anyway DH has now decided he wants a career change which he thinks would mean his earnings might halve or he’d be on minimum wage. In the meantime he has left his current job so I am paying for house, car, food etc from my wage and savings, which is an issue if contention in itself. He says it’s fine as “it’s all one pot”.

Now when he starts working, assuming he earns less, how would you split finances? He might not be able to pay 50%. We share a vehicle now but that was supposed to be temporary. I have suggested to him that if he gets a minimum wage job he might find he has to get the bus to work as he won’t be able to afford a car. I’m sure he’d think I’m “mean” but we probably won’t be working in the same place any more.

AIBU to be annoyed to think he needs to be more responsible and I shouldn’t be left to pay the bulk of the bills even when he goes back to work.

I suppose the fair thing is that we each pay a proportion according to what we earn? So if I earn double then I’ll pay 2/3 of joint expenses and he pays 1/3?

Also this seems to be common as I know at least two other couples in the same situation.

OP posts:
OrchidInTheSun · 21/07/2019 11:19

So he wants you to fund his lifestyle change without any consultation with you? Fuck that for a game of soldiers

Original poster
1000000Dreams · 21/07/2019 11:28

If it helps to have figures (this is anon after all) - he was earning just over £2500 per month and I earn about £2750 per month. I’m quite ambitious and expect my earnings to increase over the coming years. Paying all the bills (joint and individual, including DH credit card, given he is not working) is about £2200 a month. On top of that there is food, petrol and we bought a car and some things we needed doing around the house.

I don’t mind paying more but I don’t like feeling like he is taking the mick. I think he has given up his job thinking it’s fine, Dreams is working and can cover the bills, but I’m spending money that I was saving for an extension.

I was tempted not to buy a car as he needs one to see his DD and thought that might push him to get work but I know I’d be blamed for keeping him from his daughter! I just feel a bit like he’s ignoring his responsibilities and expecting me to make up the shortfall.

But his job was making him very stressed and his health is more important?? Trouble is now I’m stressed trying to cover everything on my own until he finds work.

OP posts:
Original poster
1000000Dreams · 21/07/2019 11:29

I mean I do feel like he is taking he mick!

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
Pomegranatemolasses · 21/07/2019 11:32

I don't blame you for feeling annoyed. You need to sit him down and have a very frank discussion about this, otherwise it will fester and really damage your relationship.

Original poster
1000000Dreams · 21/07/2019 11:40

I try to discuss it and he shuts it down by saying “Okay I’ll get a job” but doesn’t seem to be making much effort.

OP posts:
73Sunglasslover · 21/07/2019 11:47

I earn twice as much (take home) as m OH. We both consider all our money to be joint and that's how I want to be. We are married and therefore a partnership. We make decisions about money together and I'd never want him thinking that I 'pay for' things for him though I guess in reality his lifestyle would have to be much more restricted if I earned less. I think the issue is communication rather than money. You need to be working as a partnership and currently you're not. For example, I don't think it's about 'telling him' to get the bus to work but it might be that you decide as a couple that having just one car and the person who can using the bus for work is a sensible solution. BTW we only have one car. I need it for work so use it on my working days. Other days we communicate regarding who needs it and plan so that one way or another everyone gets to where they need to be.

AtmosClock · 21/07/2019 11:49

I’m from the school that doesn’t really get separate finances in a marriage

OrchidInTheSun · 21/07/2019 11:51

No, if he walks out of his well-paying job so he can't afford to run a car and can't go and see his daughter, that's on him, not you.

He's treating you like an absolute mug. Why on earth are you paying his credit card bills?! Does he have any savings or are you just funding his leisurely lifestyle?

And what's he doing towards getting this new dream career? Is he retraining or anything?

Original poster
1000000Dreams · 21/07/2019 11:52

I’m all for being a team and sharing money but then “being a team” means making decisions jointly, not him unilaterally deciding to stop work and leaving me to stress about the bills while he plays golf.

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 21/07/2019 11:53

He's taking the mick. Definitely don't pay his credit card.

IsobelRae23 · 21/07/2019 11:54

When me and exdp we’re together his bring home was around £1800, and mine £3500- it just went into a joint account and what was his was mine and what was mine was his. I don’t get all this ‘separate finance’ etc when you are in a marriage.

TooDamnSarky · 21/07/2019 11:55

My Dh had a career change that meant a year of retraining and a huge drop in salary. But this was done after lots of joint discussions about how this would work and the implications for all aspects of family life.

Original poster
1000000Dreams · 21/07/2019 11:56

He is volunteering in the area he might want to work in but this just started recently. He has been telling me for a year that he wants a career change so I suggested he think about what he wants to do. Instead he’s quit and, 3 months on, it seems he might be starting to think about what he wants to do but goes back and forth as he also tells me about jobs in his previous field and seems to be considering them. I get he might be confused but we have a mortgage and he has a child.

OP posts:
Original poster
1000000Dreams · 21/07/2019 11:58

But this was done after lots of joint discussions

This is the point I think. It’s not about whether we have joint or separate finances, it’s about one person making a decision that affects both of you / the whole family.

I find it more stressful as he won’t discuss with me fully what his plans are in relation to getting a job. He fobs me off as if I’m unreasonable for asking!

OP posts:
HarryElephante · 21/07/2019 11:58

Telling him your concerns rather than the internet would probably be a more constructive way to solving the issue(s).

OKBobble · 21/07/2019 11:58

Were you in agreement with his supposed "career change"? Is he still paying maintenacmnce or is this one of those reduce my income scams to get out of paying maintenance. What is this dream career that earns minimum wage?

TheSerenDipitY · 21/07/2019 11:59

how is he paying for HIS child while hes not working? does he expect you to pay that too?

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 21/07/2019 12:00

He needs to grow up, get a job and stop burdening you with all the financial responsibility.

newmomof1 · 21/07/2019 12:01

Firstly, I really hope you're not funding his hobbies while he's not working!

Did he not sit down with you and work this all out before he quit his job?!

OH earns about twice what I do. We have separate finances.
Normally (I'm on mat leave at the moment so things have changed slightly) he will cover the mortgage and I'll cover all other household bills and the food shop.

We both contribute to days out/meals/takeaways. We don't do this 'owing each other half' bullshit. One of us will just pay.

You shouldn't have to lose out because he chose a career change. I get he wasn't happy in his job but he could have got a similar job in a different company if he doesn't have the savings to support his career change.

boringlyboring · 21/07/2019 12:02

Are you sure he quit voluntarily? Not many people who are thinking of a career change would quit without actually knowing where they want to go, unless they had close to zero outgoings

Original poster
1000000Dreams · 21/07/2019 12:03

See above Elephante I have tried and that is the problem - he won’t discuss it. Reading the whole thing and then commenting would be more constructive than making a redundant point...

Thanks everyone for the replies. I think I’m just letting off steam but also wondering how we deal with the practicalities I’d he is earning half of what he is now. I am left to pick up the bill without having been asked how I feel about it. He did discuss it with me but in a way that gave me no choice - he refused to take no for an answer and then started saying things like people commit suicide under the sort of stress he is under so I felt emotionally blackmailed into saying ok bit you need to start looking for a job straight away even if it’s a job in the local garden centre just so I’m not left struggling to cover everything.

He had some savings equivalent to about one month’s salary so that didn’t go very far obviously.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 21/07/2019 12:04

Joint finances doesn’t mean blindly accepting the other’s decisions without discussion and just paying for everything.

If he quit his job without agreement from you and a plan as to how he would earn money/when he’d start earning he’s utterly out of order.

Original poster
1000000Dreams · 21/07/2019 12:08

He isn’t paying CMS at the moment. I assume he’d be paying less if he goes back to work on minimum wage.

He assumes minimum wage as whatever he does he will be new to the field and starting from the bottom and also he is drawn to something “more rewarding” like working with old people or just something with no stress.

He did quit voluntarily. He has been saying for a year or so he finds the job stressful and isn’t sure it’s secure. I had suggested he get another job, to which he said he didn’t know what he wanted to do. I suggested he think about it and start looking into other things so we are not in this position - where he hasn’t got a job and doesn’t know what to do and it could take months for him to get back into work.

OP posts:
Applejack5 · 21/07/2019 12:08

Joint finances are only good if you jointly make decisions which affect your finances, such as quitting your job.

He's completely out of order. I'd go mad if DH quit his job without consulting me. I'm not sure I could get over it tbh, it's just odd not to discuss and agree something like that and work out a way forward together. It'd be different if you'd discussed it and agreed to pick up the slack.

I hope he gets himself sorted soon OP.

starzig · 21/07/2019 12:08

If he is changing jobs for a huge pay cut, he is clearly unhappy so you should support him. What if you decided to change job / have a child and go part time / get unwell and go part time. You would fully expect his support surely.