Joint finances / DH has given up work for career change

[1000000Dreams]

DH and I have been married 4 years and have separate bank account with a joint account for bills. We each pay 50% of mortgage, bills, car but I tend to be the one who does food shopping. We pay for our own mobile phone bills, hobbies, any credit cards or loans that are our own, our own cars when we had two cars and he pays child support for his DD from his money.

Anyway DH has now decided he wants a career change which he thinks would mean his earnings might halve or he’d be on minimum wage. In the meantime he has left his current job so I am paying for house, car, food etc from my wage and savings, which is an issue if contention in itself. He says it’s fine as “it’s all one pot”.

Now when he starts working, assuming he earns less, how would you split finances? He might not be able to pay 50%. We share a vehicle now but that was supposed to be temporary. I have suggested to him that if he gets a minimum wage job he might find he has to get the bus to work as he won’t be able to afford a car. I’m sure he’d think I’m “mean” but we probably won’t be working in the same place any more.

AIBU to be annoyed to think he needs to be more responsible and I shouldn’t be left to pay the bulk of the bills even when he goes back to work.

I suppose the fair thing is that we each pay a proportion according to what we earn? So if I earn double then I’ll pay 2/3 of joint expenses and he pays 1/3?

Also this seems to be common as I know at least two other couples in the same situation.

The lack of discussion by him and the silly decision to give up his job before he has another are the big issues here. Make sure for a start as he is being an idle so and so he does just about everything at home - wjhole house cleaned, hoovers every day, cleans the windows, the works as he has all the time in the world.

Sadly loads of remarried fathers with child support stop work because their wife's work is not included in deciding what they pay for their child so it is financially wise in a sense of them though pretty nasty to give up work with no job to go to and lots of them do it. I am not saying he did but it is likely he now can apply to court to revise his maintenance order whilst he sits at home doing nothing being kept by you.

It might be a time to negotiate a "post nup" with him to get all these things established and signed off particularly if you are likely to earn more than him over the years.

in my 20 year marriage we just had joint accounts and my husband got about 60% of our assets after divorce with no obligation to pay for the children but we both always worked full time and the joint accounts was a joint decision and he did a lot of things at home too eg took the childrne to the dentist for 17 years and I didn't, lots of cleaning (we both did that), childcare, fixing up childcare etc etc

Has he agreed to sit down now and discuss finances OP?

He needs to know that his lack of communication is impacting your marriage.

I feel really sad for the daughter. I can't get over anyone not providing for their child in this way-he appears to be able.

YANBU - how the finances are organised isn't really the point here.

You were both earning broadly similar amounts so by simply giving his job up, he has halved the household income. As an adult with responsibilities, you can't simply decide you don't fancy doing that job anymore so you will give up and hopefully go and do something different.

He should have discussed it and made a realistic plan to change jobs (getting another before leaving!). He is also doing his daughter a disservice as he can't pay CMS at the moment.

He needs to find a job (anything for now!) And take steps to sort out his new career plan.

My DH did something similar to yours, although slightly different as he was made redundant but then decided on a career change rather than getting a new role in the same field as previously. It was very frustrating for me, supporting him as the only earner with no plans or discussion or saving for this scenario. We did get through it, he eventually took a Saturday job to help contribute more. I don’t see you have a choice but to pay everything at the moment?
Not sure if you’re planning children but his minimum wage new career isn’t going to help if you are.

I try to discuss it and he shuts it down by saying “Okay I’ll get a job” but doesn’t seem to be making much effort.

Start asking him every evening what he's done about getting a job.

And, for goodness sake, stop paying his credit card debts.

Seriously, do you want this to be the rest of your life? Emotional blackmail, refusing to discuss things that affect you, being generous with your money to make himself look good, depriving his daughter of support, being lazy. You can do better than him OP

He's absolutely taking the piss and you are letting him. Open your eyes OP and stop being so bloody reasonable.

Him saying he would like to be a SAHD indicates he doesn't want to work at all and to just pack in his job and not give child maintenance a thought is a selfish and shitty thing to do.

He's a lazy freeloader and leeching off you. Don't have kids with this man or you're stuck forever.

OP, so sorry but you have married a complete waster.

He's actually taken early retirement.

Why would you stay married or contemplate children with such a waster.

You are at a critical crossroads in your life.

If you stay with this lazy waster who is using you as a free ride and have children with him, you have a stressful life of misery ahead of you.

Giving up his job without consulting you and no longer paying for his daughter!

He is a disgusting waste of space.

He clearly has zero respect for you and by killing any conversation he is also a bully.

A lazy, bullying waste of space and a shit father to boot.

Do you really want to remain married to that.

Think very hard about your future.

Absolute disaster lies ahead for you if you stay with him.

You’re all right. He really is taking the piss and he doesn’t see it / thinks it’s ok. Just now I tried to discuss it and he said maybe we should just sell the house then. He says that before he says he’ll get a job! He brought up what my mum said to him (in response to him questioning my job), which was that my job is not his concern, by which, she meant that I am the one paying the bills and so he doesn’t need to worry about that. He just needs to focus on getting a job. He raised it, now, saying I shouldn’t worry about what he’s doing! I said the difference is you don’t have a job and I am having to cover everything because you won’t so I do have to worry about your job situation. What you are doing affects me while you are simply living for free, no contribution to bills, eating the food I buy and prepare and using my car. Anyway I said if we are going to sell the house then we should get a divorce. He agreed. He doesn’t mean it. It’s his way out of the conversation. Tomorrow he’ll be asking to use my car again.

He also has a ridiculous argument about how it’s fine that I pay for everything now as, before we lived together, I didn’t contribute to his household. He lived alone and had his DD most WEs in those days. I saw him a couple of times a week (we were both often busy with work) and I often bought food and paid if we went out. How can he think I should have paid his bills when I didn’t live with him. I went to visit him more as I had housemates but I bought food etc. Could I really have used much electric / water etc? 🤔 When we went out I paid as he never had any money.

I’m at the end of my tether. I’ve had a really tough year and just about coping with that. I don’t want to lose my house as well. I don’t want to deal with marriage problems but I also don’t want to have to deal with a divorce but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know who to turn to as I don’t feel I can discuss this with friends or family. I’m embarrassed to be perfectly frank. People keep asking “has he got a job yet?” and I make excuses for him but really I’m very pissed off. I’m in my late 30s and worry I’ll never get to have children. I know that’s not a good reason to stay with him. Therapy could help but I don’t really want to be spending more money right now.

He said I was a “sponger” all those years!! I feel like such an idiot.

I know the answer is LTB

Sorry that was a bit of an essay.

Honestly, you’d be better off getting divorced and having a child on your own than staying married to this waste of space. See a lawyer to find out what your financial position would be.

I wouldn’t split finances. I would dump the work shy fool ASAP.

please talk to your family and friends OP. I'm sure they will all be supportive and help you move on.
you've got a good few years to have a baby with a decent man. or on your own.

Wow, he's a gaslighting, sponging prick! He has the nerve to call you a sponger? Stop making excuses for him! Get rid of him. It's better to have a child on your own. He will NEVER change. Cannot believe he suggested selling your house so he can sit on his arse doing FA. Just nope. Honestly, see a solicitor. TELL your family and friends.

'How can he think I should have paid his bills when I didn’t live with him.'
Oh I think I know this one.

It's because he feels entitled to your emotional and professional labour and always has done.
What a piece of work.

I know it's so hard to think about splitting but you would be grieving a relationship that never existed. One between two equal adults where you could plan children together.

This isn't that.
He doesn't even support the child he already has.
And it's clearer than ever that he doesn't respect you.

Do you think he would have anywhere to go if you asked him to leave?

Not your responsibility at all. Just trying to work out how easy it will be to divest yourself from this energy sponge.

Just think what kind of a power couple you and your future partner will make when you're free to meet someone who puts the same amount of energy into a relationship that you do.

With or without children.

Have you done a calculation on mortgage affordability to see if you will be able to keep on the mortgage on your own?

If he's agreed to a divorce, maybe press the issue before he changes his mind.

Oh and you're not an idiot.
You're kind and patient and this would be a virtue with any honourable person.

Op if you divorce he may be entitled to a portion of the house. So I'd do a calculation and checks its all affordable. I'm very sorry that this is happening. But you are a capable strong person and one day in the future you will see this is the best thing to ever happen to you x

I'd say you're better off out of this one!

He has no motivation to get a job, he gave up his last one without consulting you or having a plan in place (ie without looking for a new one before handing his notice in) because he knew you would cover things. That's not how a team works. Yes his mental health is important, but what about yours? You can't carry on like that indefinitely. And why does he get to decide that he would be the stay at home parent in the event of children?

Would you be able to afford to live where you are without him? I mean obviously you're doing that at the moment, but are having to dip into savings? Any way to lower the mortgage or other bills? Are you both on the mortgage? I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like obviously, but I would seriously be questioning its future, if this is how he treats you over such a big issue.

@1000000Dreams for me marriage is a joint financial decision. There will always be points where one of you earns more than the other, one of you might be working the other might not be. There might be MH reasons or other illness when one party can’t work as much. Pregnancies / child care etc.

All our money goes into one pot and has done for about 7 years (together 10) on paper I earn £13k more than him but still our finances are joint. There is no oh that’s my car payment and that’s your child so should come out of your earnings (DSS 16).

I took 13 months off with our first DC, technically his wages covered everything and the amount we had saved covered some of it. He then made a career move which didn’t work out and we were without wage from him for around a year, he was stay at home dad so technically my wages paid for everything. But it’s all one pot so it was never mine and yours......

This worked spot on for us- I think potentially there are bigger things at play maybe, could it have exasperated your unhappiness in your relation do you think??

He is an absolute piss taker, you are the sponger? Wow, he has to go OP you deserve so much more and are worth more.

I have no words.

I don’t know how it would work if I were to buy him out and whether I could afford to keep the house. I can pay the mortgage and bills on my own just about. Some bills would probably be slightly less and I wouldn’t have to pay for his mobile phone bill, his loan etc. We’ve also had some stuff done in the house which I’ve paid for and bought us a car as we had a PCP which ended recently hence I’ve had to use savings. I really have had enough.

It’s not just the finances. I often feel he doesn’t treat me well, doesn’t speak to me nicely. Then other times he seems like a completely different person. And it doesn’t seem like an act. How does that work? I feel like I’ve been trying to work out for ages which one is the real him - the one who obviously adores me and can be so kind and considerate or the one who treats me like he has no respect for me and is frankly a bad egg - or what’s wrong with him. He’s been better the past year with some of the things we’ve been through together but it seems this nasty side is never far away. He shouldn’t be making things harder right now by putting me under pressure on me because he won’t get a job.

He’s just sat here talking about how someone he knows suggested he might have a mental health issue. Ok so let’s talk about it. Somehow it came around to “I don’t think I have a mental health issue. You’re the problem.” We weren’t talking about our marriage issues, and I was only speaking to him as I thought that was an important to discuss (I’m quite pissed of with him atm), and still it was about blame! He did that twice.

I think he’s making excuses not to work. If he has a mental health problem he needs to see a GP but he suggested he’d go and say “Doc I don’t think I have a mental health problem but my wife” and said he’d think he was being abused 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think he does have issues - he gets very angry easily and can not handle stress. Should I get him to speak to someone? And how? I know he wouldn’t explain all of that if he went to see his GP.

He's not your problem anymore.
He can choose to sort his head out but it's easier to blame you.
And possibly he's right. If he gets support while still living with you there could just be someone sitting and supporting him to whine about you.
Which is a waste of time.
If he goes through nhs he will have a long wait anyway.

You're free. You have v few ties to him. No children together.

What do you want?
Imagine he's not tying you down. Could you live in a smaller house? One that's more affordable?
Would you go to the cinema on your own sometimes?
On a nice walk?
Have a bath in a bathroom where you alone control how it smells and the level of mess?

Please don't talk yourself into trying to help him when he has no interest in helping you.

The real him is the person who is nasty. I'm assuming he hid it quite well until you got married and had a house together? Honestly - he's an abusive sponger - get rid

I apologise for my language OP.

He hasn't a fxxxing notion of ever working again if he can avoid it. And he will.

He is a Nasty, lazy, waster.

The shame isn't yours.

Why do you think people are asking you "has he got a job yet?"

Of course they are asking.

Because it's ridiculous.

Tell your family the score.

Tell your friends the score

You need to get rid of him.

Better to be alone and childless at this point in your life than funding this lazy, nasty, waster.

You can, and will do better than him.

Of course you can.

Please believe you deserve more.

Neither of you have a particularly large original salary so by him doing that he has basically halved your joint earnings and therefore what you can do as a couple. Agree with other postings he's taking the piss.