Joint finances / DH has given up work for career change

[1000000Dreams]

DH and I have been married 4 years and have separate bank account with a joint account for bills. We each pay 50% of mortgage, bills, car but I tend to be the one who does food shopping. We pay for our own mobile phone bills, hobbies, any credit cards or loans that are our own, our own cars when we had two cars and he pays child support for his DD from his money.

Anyway DH has now decided he wants a career change which he thinks would mean his earnings might halve or he’d be on minimum wage. In the meantime he has left his current job so I am paying for house, car, food etc from my wage and savings, which is an issue if contention in itself. He says it’s fine as “it’s all one pot”.

Now when he starts working, assuming he earns less, how would you split finances? He might not be able to pay 50%. We share a vehicle now but that was supposed to be temporary. I have suggested to him that if he gets a minimum wage job he might find he has to get the bus to work as he won’t be able to afford a car. I’m sure he’d think I’m “mean” but we probably won’t be working in the same place any more.

AIBU to be annoyed to think he needs to be more responsible and I shouldn’t be left to pay the bulk of the bills even when he goes back to work.

I suppose the fair thing is that we each pay a proportion according to what we earn? So if I earn double then I’ll pay 2/3 of joint expenses and he pays 1/3?

Also this seems to be common as I know at least two other couples in the same situation.

I would be seriously questioning how much he respects me if I were you. I've left jobs in the past and have had a complete career change which involved four years of full time study but that was after long discussions and a close look at our finances.

I didn't walk away from a well paid job and force his hand with emotional blackmail.

Also, I would be very reluctant to have children with someone who is willing to deprive his child of financial support on a whim.

He sounds extremely selfish and immature.

Ex is annoyed obviously but their relationship has deteriorated a lot recently as she has been quite nasty and tried to stop him seeing his DD.

I wonder why. Not due to his behaviour, by any chance?

He is a sponger and setting things up to be one. Don't have children with this man.

I reckon ex is annoyed because he was a lazy dossabout whilst she was with him as well, using 'stress' as a Get-Out-Of-Life-Free card. Sorry, but there is no way on Earth I'd have a child with him, he doesn't even see fit to support the one he's got, or let him be a SAHP, NFW! IF you do decide to use him as a convenient baby daddy, I'd put the child in FT childcare.

But personally, he'd be at the door. Couldn't have any respect for a person who won't support their child even though they are completely able to do so, much less conjure up enough libido to touch such a person. It would be an instant turn off, tbh.

'This isn't working. You seem entitled to not work. That's not something I want in a partner or spouse.'

This is an irresponsible and feckless man.

I understand a job can be very stressful and would support my husband with a career change 100% but that does not mean he gets to opt out of contributing financially, especially to his children.

The idea he doesn’t feel he should be working at all speaks volumes.

'He has expressed before that he’d want to be a SAHD if we have children. I honestly think it’s largely so that he doesn’t have to work! '

Plus if you split he would likely be awarded residence and you would have to pay him lots of child maintenance.

Do not have children with this man.
He is 100% a waste of space who is coming across as borderline abusive with the suicide threats.

You're a capable adult woman who could have your pick of mature actual adult men who keep to their responsibilities.

What is going on for you that's leading you to settle for this person?

If you get possessed by a very stupid ghost or something and do find that you have children with this absolute charmer, who is BTW taking you for a ride, then don't agree for him to be a sahp. It's so dangerous to do this.

I know several women who lost residence of their children for eg mental health reasons (or someone believing their ex when he said they had poor mental health) and it really does break your heart.

I am speechless from the cheek of it. So with NO discussion and still won't discuss it he gives up his job abd expects you to fund his stress free lifestyle.
When I went to uni later in life to retrain for a new career, I worked every weekend and every holiday so I could pay my mortgage and the bills.
I'm afraid I'd be walking out and leaving him at this stage OP. My ex took the piss like this and was unemployed on and off for years and it was intolerable taking the whole burden on my shoulders.
It wasn't even as if he did anything round the house or garden, everything was left to me.
And seriously does he think working with old people is stress free, it isn't it's one of the most stressful jobs around.

Also, I have an asd diagnosis and anxiety. I don't particularly handle work well, let alone stress. But I like having a partner and a mortgage so I try my absolute best to honour my commitments.
2 years ago I was suicidal and what I did was...
Take 2 weeks holiday.
Take 2 weeks signed off with stress.
Change roles so I was working in a less stressful role but I worked my notice with no issues.
Keep paying my half of the bills.

I don't recognize a universe where one person treats the other like a vexatious pet.
That isn't a relationship.

Terminal illness or sudden onset disability incompatible with work - that I could understand.

But you have to take responsibility for your mood and mental health. Nobody can do that for you.
And you can't use it as an excuse.
The longer you're out of work the harder it is to get back on the horse.

YANBU. He's a cocklodger. Don't let him be SAHD, if you split, you'll probably have to pay him maintenance. Which would be fine if he was a SAHD for the family's sake, not because he's given up his job now and envisaging an easy life bankrolled by you.

And he'll retire 10 years before you.

However now he’s left I think he is capable (and he has said he is) of getting a job or some sort even if it’s in a shop or whatever he considers not stressful.

He needs to look into actual, real JOBS and what they entail. I work in a shop. Loads of bloody stress, actually, and all for NMW.

If he thinks being a SAHD is stressfree, then he really should look more into that! It seems to me he's got an idealised vision of what his life should look like, and a bit of a 'poor me' mentality. NOBODY wants stress, but it goes with the territory of being an independent, working human.

Yes, he is setting himself up for a very cushy number and for you to have the privilege of bankrolling him.

Having dc with him will give him the ultimate weapon to trap you into continuing to do this until the dc are grown up on pain of taking the dc away (because you lose residence and the non-main caregiver) and maintenance (for doing nothing except get married to you).

He is a lazy and selfish man. So wrong to just not work when he has DD to support. My DH was made redundant and had another job within weeks. It was not at the same level as his previous job but enough to tide us over until something better came along (I work too). That is how a responsible adult acts.

Don't have children with him. When you split, you will end up giving him money, possibly even your house to doss around in.

I actually didn’t realise that if he was a SAHD and we split then he’d be more likely to be ordered residence of the children 😮

Makes sense though!

Yep, he could wind up being the resident parent and you paying out big time for the rest of your life. This guy is a loser who thinks the world owes him a living. If you chose to procreate with him, do so knowing that, with your eyes open because this is how he's always been and how he'll always be if he's in his mid 40s now. He's selfish and immature. Can't imagine respecting a person who's decided not to support his child.

He thinks you're his mommy and he both needs you and resents you for needing you. Real women don't need little men who think their wives are mommies.

I wouldn't like or respect someone who threw in their job when they had a child to support.

The fact that he 'can't handle stress' would also rule him out as a life partner for me. Guess what? life is stressful! Things happen, especially when you have kids, and you want someone with the strength of character and the work ethic to be a real partner to you if shit hits the fan. You might have a child with special needs, or a health crisis yourself, or a tree might fall on your house, or another global financial crisis etc etc etc. anything can happen in life. Do you really want this dickhead by your side? Flaking and buggering off to play golf when the going gets rough?

Some jobs are more stressful than others.
So you take a period of leave and look for a less stressful job. Once you have a new job, you quit the old one- because you're an adult with responsibilities.

I also have little sympathy for someone who wants to claim sympathy and support for a mental health problem but then takes no responsibility in terms of seeking treatment. IMO if you are too sick to work then your full time job is to do what you can to make yourself well.

Do not get pregnant to this man.

Name changed as this is too outing!

My DH has fallen into this sort of dilemma and is thinking of doing it again. It's frustrating. He quit the job he was in when we first met to go back to uni. It took 7 years for him to finish, albeit working part time and having some funding to complete a PhD. During that time I was the breadwinner and I was resentful as I didn't feel he was putting 100% in. He eventually go finished and has a good, well paid, flexible job with nice colleagues. He wants to change careers and start all over again less than 5 years later. Difference is we now have 2 young dc and I now work part time.

I've come to conclusion my Dh will always believe the grass is greener elsewhere and doesn't get that every job has it's bad days and stressful points. I've said if he researchs jobs and finds one that suits he can apply but there is no way he can quit without a plan.

My DH is just one of what seems like many men in this generation who struggle with stress and opt out relying on thier partner to pick up the slack. This would not have been possible prior to women working. I think a lot is about how men approach stress and mental health in general. One coping style in running away from stress. Really think twice before having children as you will be picking up the slack with them when he can't cope.

If your DH is wanting to be a SAHD when you have kids so he doesn’t have to work he is having a laugh. I went back to work after mat leave so that I could have a sit down and a hot cup of tea!

Fundamentally any decision that you make together is one that is absolutely OK for you, regardless of what other people think. If you're planning on being together forever and in a loving and committed relationship then it makes no difference who would get what if you were to desperate. I think that thinking like this is really sad, but appreciate everyone's situations are different.
The fundamental issue here is that you haven't come to a decision together and that is wrong. Your husband cannot make such a big life change without consulting you first.
So unless he has some underlying issue then I would have a major issue with this behaviour.

Separate not desperate!

I changed jobs when I had a child and earn less as my previous job was not really comparable with home life. But... I earn enough to pay all my bills every month and save every month.
If he had a plan, a proper plan and a part time job to pay his additional costs then maybe.
My dp can be a bit flaky but he's under no illusions that if he isn't working (unless sits due to phycial disability) then I won't support him. He could work part time washing cars or in a shop, it doesn't matter, its about having respect for your partner

My DH did this to me except didn't tell me until he'd already handed his notice in and his earning went down to almost £0. I gave him a period of 6 months to start his "new" business after that if he wasn't contributing financially he had to get a proper job

I did cover all the bills in that time except his credit card debt and mobile phone

.....6 months later he was back in full time employment

I'm all for follow your dreams etc but a responsible parent doesn't just quit without other income in place. He's a selfish prick and he sounds lazy. He's taking you for a mug. It's great he's decided it's 'all one pot' now that he's not earning. And anyone who smokes and doesn't pay CMS is an arsehole.

Hes not paying for his child because he voluntarily gave his job up

Hes a scumbag. Do not enable him.

I earn less than my OH and have also chosen to work part time which reduces my earnings further.

Nonetheless I still pay 50 percent of the bills and mortgage because that is fair. Why should my DH fund me? I can see why you're pissed off.