Joint finances / DH has given up work for career change

[1000000Dreams]

DH and I have been married 4 years and have separate bank account with a joint account for bills. We each pay 50% of mortgage, bills, car but I tend to be the one who does food shopping. We pay for our own mobile phone bills, hobbies, any credit cards or loans that are our own, our own cars when we had two cars and he pays child support for his DD from his money.

Anyway DH has now decided he wants a career change which he thinks would mean his earnings might halve or he’d be on minimum wage. In the meantime he has left his current job so I am paying for house, car, food etc from my wage and savings, which is an issue if contention in itself. He says it’s fine as “it’s all one pot”.

Now when he starts working, assuming he earns less, how would you split finances? He might not be able to pay 50%. We share a vehicle now but that was supposed to be temporary. I have suggested to him that if he gets a minimum wage job he might find he has to get the bus to work as he won’t be able to afford a car. I’m sure he’d think I’m “mean” but we probably won’t be working in the same place any more.

AIBU to be annoyed to think he needs to be more responsible and I shouldn’t be left to pay the bulk of the bills even when he goes back to work.

I suppose the fair thing is that we each pay a proportion according to what we earn? So if I earn double then I’ll pay 2/3 of joint expenses and he pays 1/3?

Also this seems to be common as I know at least two other couples in the same situation.

It is wrong the way he significantly changed the financial goalposts with serious prior consultation and then refusing the discuss or take any mitigating actions whilst he figures out what he wants to do.

The only excuse is if he is suicidal or his mental health has taken such a beating he needs a break but is somehow unable to articulate that to you in his current state. Do you think this is the case OR is he using this as a smokescreen to start the path towards you being a sole breadwinner a la frog in boiling water.

In terms of current finances, given his refusal to look for work I'd cut back.
Benefits would not pay him as you work and are therefore expected to support him. So you are stuck with mortgage, utilities, food etc. But I'd ditch the luxuries. Stop paying his credit card, his phone, any game subscriptions etc. Stop putting petrol in the car if you don't need it. (maybe put enough in for him to see his daughter once a week as she is already loosing out as he's decided not to bother supporting her).
(watch he doesn't screw your credit rating through loans etc too.)

A career change is working out what you want to do instead, how to get there, getting the wheels in motion and then stepping from your old job onto step one of the new path (whether that's an entry level role or a training course).

Occasionally, it might means walking out of your old job and into any random low-stress job (supermarket, garden centre, cleaning, whatever...) while you get your head together and plan your next move. But making sure you can still pay your bills.

It is not making threats of suicide, jacking in your job, having no plan of any kind whatsoever, spending your days pissing your partner's money away, and making no effort to find any sort of employment.

Saying "do what I want or I'll kill myself" is manipulative and abusive, not mental distress. Holding up male suicide rates as some excuse to force your partner into a precarious financial situation while you piss about playing golf is not acceptable.

Other people's suffering is not a get out of jail free card to behave like a dick.

Yeah I can't see what the point of him is.
Do you really need to be married to him?
If you had children together you would be trapped to an extent but you're free to call a halt to this.
He doesn't respect you.
And he doesn't respect his child. He didn't even think of child maintenance before jacking his job in.

I would agree with this.

Don't have children with this man. Don't allow him to trap you into funding his lifestyle on the threat of a very expensive divorce.

I would give him a year to get his shit together and then start making other plans. Don't have joint accounts. Just give him a fixed allowance after his savings run out.

Don't have children with this man.

How old is he?

I think it's reasonable for him to have some time off, ideally it would be planned but sometimes health has to take priority however as you say he doesn't seem to be sharing the burden of the reduced income.

Perhaps start a conversation based on a budget, it has to include CMS as that is his essential responsibility. Does he have pension provision for example, which is also important?

If you plan on being together for years then this period of time could be a blip even though its really frustrating now.

Find a time when both of you are relaxed and work out a budget to include spends on house etc. It is often very difficult to get complete agreement on finances so both will need to compromise. One factor is that there is often a spender and a saver in a couple and when finances get tight extremes seem to come into play.

It could be you are feeling more anxious than you need as it could be temporary situation however I would have similar worries to you so completely understand.

Perhaps explain to him that worrying about finances impacts your mental health in the same way the job stress did for him.

Tell him you need to make cuts.Put the car on the drive,cancel insurance and get a S0RN until you use it again or sell it.
Don't pay his credit card this is meaning he doesn't feel the effect of what he's done.
If you don't have these extra expenses and he does a bit more housework maybe you will at least be less stressed.
Get him to check all outgoings to see where cuts can be made.
If this goes on the resentment will build up and your marriage will not recover.
Don't have a child with this man especially if he can't deal with stress.

He’s behaving like a child and your the parent having to provide everything he needs.
I’d be giving him a deadline of when he needs a job by or I’d end the relationship.
He’s bleeding you dry financially
He cares nothing for the stress this is putting on your mental health
But you know ,as long as he’s alright,that’s ok

I couldn't be with someone who thinks so little of his child that he'd thrown in his job with no thought to his contribution to the wellbeing of that child. He is a poor excuse for a father and man.

I am genuinely curious as to how you can respect someone like that OP?

Don't have a child with this man especially if he can't deal with stress.

Yes, and I would add he cannot handle responsibility either.

I’d have left him when he quit his job knowing he had a child to support and his share of bills to be paid. I couldn’t be with such a selfish partner.

He should pay his half, he’s taking the mick big time..

Hi OP

I'm with you. If it's a 'one pot' type of marriage then you dont just make decisions yourself, you discuss and agree between you. Unless he was at complete breaking point with stress and could literally not have carried on longer, its very unfair to just walk out on his job with another one to go to. Its putting a lot of extra pressure on you and if you have to pay for him it will impact on your lifestyle a lot as well, just because he feels like a change!? Also presumably he has just stopped paying towards his daughter as well which is awful. I would be mad.

Also I would be careful about having children with a man who just decides to stop paying towards his existing child when he feels like it

Our money is our money.

There have been many combinations of work situations

DH full time and me part time

Both full time

Me full time and DH part time

Both part time

DH not working, me working FT

Literally none of these combinations made him or me feel that the other was taking the piss. The money went in and out of the bank the same and we did what suited our situation at the time work wise.

I can't get me head around the absolute separation of money in a marriage to the point it makes one partner look like a freeloader

I'm a "family pot" person now we are married but having shared finances, to us, also means shared financial decisions. I appreciate that isn't the case for everyone.
DH quit his job (he was very unhappy) and spent 4 months studying for a work-related qualification last year - but this was a joint discussion and decision. We sat down together, worked out finances, and agreed a timescale for when he would start looking for a new job based on our savings.
If your DH wants you to move towards joint finances rather than 50:50 I'd be expecting a more joined-up approach to decisions which have a financial impact.

Another 'pot of money' person here, but we act as a couple and discuss things like jobs before acting. That's so important in a partnership.

For now, is he at least picking up all the housework since you're working FT and he isn't working?

What did he do that was so stressful?

AmIRightOrAMeringue

Too right. Selfish idiot. Does he expect his child to live on fresh air while he fannies about, playing golf?

What @Zaphodsotherhead said.

DH worked in a care home at 17 and is HAUNTED by the experience. When I met him, he was a drug and alcohol counsellor on under £30k a year and SO stressed, working at least 11 hour days. He ended up having a breakdown and taking a couple of months off but he worked so hard - he exercised every day, went to therapy, read self help books and took up yoga and meditation.

He’s now in another career in financial services and earns much, much more in a job that ostensibly should be more stressful (e.g. last week he had to tell his CEO his project is over by a million) and is stupid long hours however he’s built the resilience and perspective to be able to shrug it off and enjoy weekends and evenings. If you asked him to work half the hours in a care home, for the same pay he’s on now, he’d tell you to fuck off. There’s not necessarily a direct correlation between pay and stress.

@1000000Dreams have you discussed timelines for new jobs or how you’re budgeting as a team for having roughly half the income at the moment?

His ex must be hopping mad that he’s just decided to quit, continues to live his cosy life and isn’t giving her a penny towards his child.

The problem here is he has quit a well paid (although stressful) job .And is taking his time about finding a new one, as he has you to rely on for paying everything!. This cannot continue TBH.Do you have plans to have any children?.Would you both be happy if he became a SAHP?.The thing is hes on a jolly ATM isnt he ?.Playing about at home ,driving around in the car etc. You need to speak to him about the future ,and explain your savings have been eroded .Take the car keys to work and do not pay his CC off!.He needs to take any old job right now though .You cant be responsible for all the running of the household on your own!

He needs to get another job now.

Years ago dh hated his job so went out and got a second job (low pay retail job) on the weekend and then he quit his first job and worked out the notice period while working 7 days a week. He then asked for more shifts at his second job while he applied for jobs he actually wanted. You don't quit, you always have another job lined up that will pay for you basic needs, until you find your desired job.

I have no advice but this is a very unfair position he has put you in.

@newmomof1

Normally (I'm on mat leave at the moment so things have changed slightly) he will cover the mortgage and I'll cover all other household bills and the food shop

I hope you have your name on the mortgage. This would be convienient for him if you split up

I'd divorce anyone who had a child to support and jacked in work to doss about. What a fucking arsehole thing to do. I could not respect a person who did this, much less pay for them to smoke and go out, much less consider procreating with them. Just nope.

He's a loser and a mooch.

The fact that he feels entitled to leave his job when he has a CHILD to support would be it for me. That tells you everything you need to know about him. He was unhappy at work? Boo-fucking-hoo. It's called being an adult and taking care of your responsibilities.

Do NOT have children with him. You'll find yourself in the same situation as his ex.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers, absolute comment of the day and completely appropriate given the OPs pickle lol.

I think the job was VERY stressful for him. I don’t believe be was suicidal but he doesn’t handle the stress well. However now he’s left I think he is capable (and he has said he is) of getting a job or some sort even if it’s in a shop or whatever he considers not stressful. I don’t think he thinks working with older people would be stressful.

He has expressed before that he’d want to be a SAHD if we have children. I honestly think it’s largely so that he doesn’t have to work! But if he does get a low paid job then, if I do have children, it would make sense for him to give up work rather than for me to give up work. That wouldn’t be my preference. My preference would have been if we were earning similar and had the option to work flexibly or part time then we’d both work part time or maybe I’d work four days and week and he’d work part time. I don’t know, we are not there yet, but it feels like he’s changed everything without thinking about me.

Ex is annoyed obviously but their relationship has deteriorated a lot recently as she has been quite nasty and tried to stop him seeing his DD. Doesn’t change his responsibility I know. He seeks to think his DD and I will be fine without him working and so he doesn’t even seem to be worried about it.

He is mid 40s and I am mid 30s.