Joint finances / DH has given up work for career change

[1000000Dreams]

DH and I have been married 4 years and have separate bank account with a joint account for bills. We each pay 50% of mortgage, bills, car but I tend to be the one who does food shopping. We pay for our own mobile phone bills, hobbies, any credit cards or loans that are our own, our own cars when we had two cars and he pays child support for his DD from his money.

Anyway DH has now decided he wants a career change which he thinks would mean his earnings might halve or he’d be on minimum wage. In the meantime he has left his current job so I am paying for house, car, food etc from my wage and savings, which is an issue if contention in itself. He says it’s fine as “it’s all one pot”.

Now when he starts working, assuming he earns less, how would you split finances? He might not be able to pay 50%. We share a vehicle now but that was supposed to be temporary. I have suggested to him that if he gets a minimum wage job he might find he has to get the bus to work as he won’t be able to afford a car. I’m sure he’d think I’m “mean” but we probably won’t be working in the same place any more.

AIBU to be annoyed to think he needs to be more responsible and I shouldn’t be left to pay the bulk of the bills even when he goes back to work.

I suppose the fair thing is that we each pay a proportion according to what we earn? So if I earn double then I’ll pay 2/3 of joint expenses and he pays 1/3?

Also this seems to be common as I know at least two other couples in the same situation.

Given that you have no DC together and that he is using you as a meal ticket, I think I would be considering whether this is a marriage worth holding on to. It certainly isn't equal and I couldn't live like that.

Totally! Teams make decisions together not unilaterally!

I’m probably mean but if DH did that to me he’d be on bare bones basics until he found a job. I.e. mortgage and bills need to be paid but there’s no way I’d be paying for him to play golf, but clothes or go out for a pint. He needs to live within his means, get off his arse and find a job.

Also quitting and just not paying CMS is unacceptable. He has a child he is jointly responsible for. If you are planning on having children with him you may find yourself in the same position in the future!

I’d be pissed off OP.

I considerably out-earn my DH and there have been times when he’s not been earning at all and my money = joint money BUT:

1. He works really hard at the job he does currently, it’s not his fault the industry pays less than mine.

1. When he wasn’t working it was discussed with me first and done with my 100% agreement and support. He went to university to do a vocational degree that he’s now working as.

1. Although I never said anything, he was always very conscious that I was supporting the family and really put in the effort to get part time work when possible and contribute as much as he could.

If any of these hadn’t been in place I would have felt resentful. He’s taking your work for granted - what would he do if you suddenly decided you wanted a new career too and walked out of your job? You need to make him understand that his decisions have put pressure on you and narrowed your choices and that’s not fair.

What he spends now I think he is using overdraft or credit card. I think this is his way of having some control and not asking me for money but obviously I’m the one paying. He doesn’t spend much but he takes his daughter out, smokes, uses the car / petrol (I would actually have not bothered with the car while he’s not working as I get the train to work and it’s extra expense), sees his friends sometimes. I don’t begrudge these things (except the smoking!) but think he almost doesn’t get that life costs money!!

I do 100% get separate finances. It's fine if it's both parties first marriages to have joint. But in reality if you've both been married before or one's got lot sof kids and one not then joint finances don't work.
I'd be annoyed. Not for the money solely but for. The assumption and lack of regard

I am also of the school of thought that in a marriage all money is joint. But that doesn’t mean you get to make a unilateral decision to do what you want, which then obliges the other person to make up the difference. You have a responsibility to fulfil your part of the relationship - freeloading isn’t OK. It has to be a joint decision.

I’m the breadwinner and sometimes I want to change careers to something less well paid. But our lifestyle depends on me, so I would never make that decision without making sure my H was fine with it.

Is he flakey in other ways?

It would be the lack of joint decision that would get me. And his poor DD. Why does she need to suffer because he won’t get a job.

Do you want children? If so, do you want them with someone who would pull the rug from under the mother of his child like that, and stop supporting his DD? Think long and hard.

You said that
"He did discuss it with me but in a way that gave me no choice - he refused to take no for an answer and then started saying things like people commit suicide under the sort of stress he is under so I felt emotionally blackmailed into saying ok bit you need to start looking for a job straight away even if it’s a job in the local garden centre just so I’m not left struggling to cover everything."

I think he was communicating something very big here. He was no longer able to carry on his in his job. He was contemplating (maybe only entry level contemplation but that is still a big deal) suicide. It does not sound like he could find a way out of that stress even with your help. I think he had to give up that work. If you are a team then I think it is reasonable to think that you may decide that an extension is not that much of a priority in comparison to his mental health. It sounds like you resent him for what you feel was a 'choice' but that he doesn't feel it was a choice. Is that right? If you felt so stressed at work you were thinking of killing yourself and he said 'well you can't really give up work because I want an extension' would that feel OK to you? (I know you've not put it like that but he might have heard it like that). I wonder if some counselling with relate might help you get back to working as a team and making some joint decisions about how to create a life which gives you both some contentment. Part of that will be deciding together which luxuries you now have to forgo given that you are now not such a high earning family.

Cancel his credit card!!

Spanglyprincess This is our first marriage for both of us but yes he has a child and that can impact on joint finances.

I do want to support my husband and that’s what I’m trying to do but I feel like I was pushed into this and now he’s not making real effort to find work.

It’s things like he’s agreeing with the neighbour that we’ll pay for half of joint fence. Neighbour says no rush to do it this month as he knows we have other expenses at the moment. DH has to be the big man and say no we’ll go ahead now. It’s only £400 but who’s paying? I am!

I’m the bigger earner my miles.

Our salaries go into our joint account to cover everything and then we each take out our own ‘fun money’ for personal spending. Mine is more, but not a percentage of our earnings (in which case it would be 90% me and 10% OH)

I don’t understand separate finances in a marriage usually but here I don’t think you’re BU at all.

You married someone who earned a similar amount to you, that is what you signed up for. Of course he could have lost that job at any point but he hasn’t, he’s purposely quit it with the intention of getting a min wage job. It was such an unbelievably selfish move to not even consider you before doing it.

I would not buy him a car and I wouldn’t fund his personal outgoings do maintenance, his phone, his travel to work etc.

He said what he said about suicide but then denied it. He refuses help. He won’t speak to anyone or a counsellor. I think it’s an excuse. He doesn’t handle stress well and he was very stressed in that job.

BUT - and this is the important thing 73sunglasslover - I’m not trying to force him into that career. He can work in Morrisons if he wants but I’d rather he did it soon and and then we have to work out how we pay for everything.

We had a few counselling sessions but he didn’t want to keep going.

I’m really not just dismissing his feelings / mental health. I have some issues too at the moment and the stress of the finances is making things worse. That’s my main gripe - that he’s put me in this position. I’d feel better if he’d talk to me, tell me what he’s thinking, what the issue is, what he plans to do.

Yes I want children

And yes he is generally flakey (in some ways)!

Another voice saying the issue isn’t the money, its the lack of joint decision making and lack of communication. Do you have children together? I would find this would make me question my marrriage.

I hope he's not mistaking 'NMW job' with 'no stress'. I also hope that he doesn't think that a job 'helping people' is low stress - often the jobs with the lowest pay are those where all the stress is piled on you, at the bottom of the pile!

Sell the car, don’t give him money for cigarettes, don’t pay his credit cards! He’s using credit to avoid asking you for money and then leaves you to pay it off? Absolute fucking joke.

This lack of communication can't work in a relationship, if you want to continue then it may be best to go back into counselling. One person cannot unilaterally decide to give up their job, pay for the fence etc, and certainly should not then be trying to shut down any debate afterwards. Life decisions should be made as a team when you're married.

Tell him straight that you can't afford to pay his credit card or put petrol in the car you don't seem to use yourself. Whose responsibility is the fence, if yours, sort it out with the neighbour yourself as you'll be paying.

To be honest - I'd get out now. Don't have kids with him if he can't be bothered to work. You'll end up with him as a stay at home dad and paying him spousal support to be resident parent when you split to boot!

You have my sympathy 100000Dreams my exDP did very similar to me. Quit his job then lay around at home, playing computer games, waiting for the perfect new job to fall into his lap (despite barely looking for work). The stress of paying all rent and bills on my salary, month after month, almost broke me. Every time I tried to speak to him about getting a job, any job, he reacted really defensively and accused me of being unsupportive and a gold digger (even though he was the one living for free and I was paying for everything!). Every time I came back from work and saw him lazing on the sofa playing PGA Golf a little bit of the love and respect I had for him died. I was lucky that we weren't married and were renting, I gave notice to the landlord, broke up with him and moved out. The relief of not having this useless millstone around my neck was huge, though unfortunately I had already spent most of my savings keeping us afloat.

You are married so things are more complicated for you but, if you want to stay with him, then you should sit him down at a quiet time and lay out exactly what steps you want him to take to find a job and contribute to your relationship. Do not allow him to derail the conversation or emotionally manipulate you. He's acting like an irresponsible teenager, but I bet even his mum wouldn't pay his credit card bills for him!

Agree with PP, him not paying maintenance for his child is shocking. Please think long and hard about if these are the actions of a man you want to share your life with.

Yeah I can't see what the point of him is.
Do you really need to be married to him?
If you had children together you would be trapped to an extent but you're free to call a halt to this.
He doesn't respect you.
And he doesn't respect his child. He didn't even think of child maintenance before jacking his job in.

Minimum wage jobs in care homes are very stressful and physically challenging. Is this what he wants?