Joint finances / DH has given up work for career change

[1000000Dreams]

DH and I have been married 4 years and have separate bank account with a joint account for bills. We each pay 50% of mortgage, bills, car but I tend to be the one who does food shopping. We pay for our own mobile phone bills, hobbies, any credit cards or loans that are our own, our own cars when we had two cars and he pays child support for his DD from his money.

Anyway DH has now decided he wants a career change which he thinks would mean his earnings might halve or he’d be on minimum wage. In the meantime he has left his current job so I am paying for house, car, food etc from my wage and savings, which is an issue if contention in itself. He says it’s fine as “it’s all one pot”.

Now when he starts working, assuming he earns less, how would you split finances? He might not be able to pay 50%. We share a vehicle now but that was supposed to be temporary. I have suggested to him that if he gets a minimum wage job he might find he has to get the bus to work as he won’t be able to afford a car. I’m sure he’d think I’m “mean” but we probably won’t be working in the same place any more.

AIBU to be annoyed to think he needs to be more responsible and I shouldn’t be left to pay the bulk of the bills even when he goes back to work.

I suppose the fair thing is that we each pay a proportion according to what we earn? So if I earn double then I’ll pay 2/3 of joint expenses and he pays 1/3?

Also this seems to be common as I know at least two other couples in the same situation.

@Merryoldgoat well that (as I also said) sounds like a marriage problem not a money problem.

I don't think the answer therefore has anything to do with money.

And many posters are just saying point blank "he should pay half"

No, that’s a fair point and I agree fair isn’t always half.

He has not said any timescales

He has not said, I need a degree, 3 years

He has not said, new job before the end of the year

There seems to be a severe lack of a plan

Everyone has their own approach to finances.
But the point is you decide it as a couple.

Some people pay half each. Some people work it so each person has equal spending/saving money.
It all changes if one partner needs to take time out to become primary carer for a baby. But even then I see lots of comments on here about not giving up work.
'Family money' is a bit like 'have a spa day'.
It might be something people say on here but it isn't the advice of the majority.

My friend is married to this kind of man, they have 2 DC and she is now trapped in an utterly miserable existence with no way out until the kids leave home (not UK - no benefits available). Please leave now.

DH earns 3x my salary (he’s 5 years older than me) and I’ve just taken a huge hit to my career to start a family.

Currently signed off with ‘morning’ sickness!

I’m unlikely to work FT again until they’re at school and this is baby 1 of hopefully 3!

According to A LOT of people on here I’m apparently ‘taking advantage’ and ‘expecting him to fund my lifestyle change’ 🤔. I honestly think if this was gender reversed people would be telling OP to ‘be supportive’!!

'Family money' is a bit like 'have a spa day'.
It might be something people say on here but it isn't the advice of the majority.

I don't know any couples IRL who separate their finances if they are living together.
I know a few that have "pocket money" or have a separate pot for holidays or for paying maintenance for a child that does not live with them.
I am sure there are women I know who are subject to financial abuse that I don't know about, and I know one couple where she basically runs a household with their two DCs and he drops in but that's seriously messed up I feel.
But everyone else just has "our house, our kids, our money".

No that’s not the same at all, actually, @gonewiththepotter. The situation of a mother (or parent of either sex, but let’s be honest it
is almost always the mother) who takes a career break or ends it altogether in order to raise children/run household/pick up slack for the others parent’s absence/facilitate his/her career progression, cannot in any way be compared to a cocklodger who can’t be arsed to work, isn’t actually very nice to his wife and expects her to pay his credit cards/overdraft/living expenses for an indefinite period of time while he faffs about deciding what he might or might not be bothered to do with himself, after unilaterally deciding that he was no longer going to contribute to household funds.

It is a ridiculous comparison and completely disingenuous.

I think my phone isn’t loading TFT can only see OP first page... if there’s more to the story then fair enough

I took a big pay cut about 3 years ago-went from professional job with full time salary of 40k to minimum wage job because it was really stressful trying to do it part time. Difference was husband and I had talked about it off and on for about 3 years-right from my first thoughts of seriously wantig a career change, realising that it was not the time, and then actually working out ways to make it a reality (which have included working my shifts around his work so we no longer paid for childcare, using our spare bedroom to host students to bridge the gap, cancelling SKY, going through all the bills, going out less, dropping to one car-tonnes of stuff). It sounds like your husband has do9ne this on a whim and not thought it through at all-I wonder how he;d feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Even though my husband and I talied about eeeeverything, worked out sums together etc, the drop in pay, plus the working on a zero hours contract with no sick pay/ basic holiday entitlkement and the difference in being treated like a professional to someone on minimum wage etc have caused strain. So in short YANBU. Good luck-maybe sitting down and doing the sums together could help your husband see what might need to change. Good luck.

Fuck that.
On the bright side, as he’s already jacked in work it’s not like you have to worry about a change to your financial position if you dump him.
My husband earns lots less than me, I don’t care. But if he wanted to drop another day per week, he’d talk to me first.

You ask So if I earn double then I’ll pay 2/3 of joint expenses and he pays 1/3? - Yes, that would be fair. Imagine the reversed situation where you are the lower earner, would you want to cough up your 50% just for the sake of "equality"?

What I don't understand is: did he just leave his job without prior discussions with you? Or you have been talking about it "for a year or so"?

All I can say not knowing the parties personally is that, if he is a good, caring person who doesn't aggravate you in any other way, then being a couple means one sometimes has to support the other, temporarily. But talking about it meanwhile also helps, to stop resentment growing. If everyone left their spouse/partner when they stopped earning, the world would be a shittier place than it is now. I just hope this period of you being the main earner is not too long.

Think about this way: far too often a woman here is a SAHP, earning nothing of course, husband flattens himself into a cowpat at work, is expected to do a shitload of parenting - AND the money is "ours", and no one bats an eyelid. As soon as, heaven forbid, a bloke gets breathless/twatted by his job and wants a career change, all MN is enraged "what an entitled dick". Some double standards here for sure.

In my view the fairest way (certainly where there is a great discrepancy in salary - obviously if both are very high earners or earn/spend at roughly the same level it’s a little different and they might like to pay half of all bills each, then save/spend what’s left individually and quite separate from each other, or indeed any number of various arrangements that work well for both people in the partnership) is to spilt mortgage/rent/bills/all family or household expenditure according to income level (30/70 or whatever), put an agreed amount of what’s left into savings, and then divide what’s left over into equal spending money for each person. It obviously isn’t fair for him to pay 50% of all bills if he earns way less than you!

Sure...
But he was earning the same amount before he quit his job with no warning. And now he's earning nothing and seems to have retired, effectively.
And is blaming the op for his poor mental health.
And is refusing to get any support for his mental health.

Op maybe consider reporting this and moving to relationships as there seems to be lots of folk who have only read the OP

He's the kind of man who give up work when he has CMS to pay.

I can't see how there is a discussion. I couldn't be with someone who did that.

He seems very flakey; he's quit a job with no plan, just a vague notion of helping people and 'less stress' which tbh sound like incompatible aims. Does he actually have any idea what he's going to do now?

Don't have a child with him! Unless you are prepared to support him and the baby on your own. He is already one relationship down. He is obviously not wanting to work to support the child he has now.

Are you ditching him OP?

He should be claiming job seekers allowance or ESA, this enables him to claim his National Insurance contributions towards his state pension & other benefits if you are in UK.

He's ineligible for contribution based JSA because he left his work voluntarily and he won't qualify for ESA as he has no illness which prevents him from working (I don't want to work is not an illness).

Are you ditching him OP?

I really feel like it. I don’t want to make a rash decision. At times I’m not sure I’m strong enough but then in a way I feel stronger than I have.

I told him earlier I want to split up. He doesn’t treat me well. He takes the mick. He makes me feel sh*t quite often and I don’t know what to expect from him from one minute to the next. He’s very erratic.

Anyway he’s gone out now but I am thinking about the practicalities of splitting up.

Does he actually have any idea what he's going to do now?

He is looking for jobs now. He says it so resentfully “You’ve told me I need to get a job, so...” I’ve said well I’m not the one telling you to get a job, that’s how the world works! He asked me if he gets a job 25 miles away (near where his DD lives) then can he use the car. I said how do you suppose I get to work and he said “I dunno”. It just shows he really does think of himself. Who asks for their partner’s car without having any regard to whether they might need it 🙄

did he just leave his job without prior discussions with you? Or you have been talking about it "for a year or so"?

He has been saying for a while (over a year, I’d say) that he didn’t like his job, he didn’t feel secure, it was too stressful etc. I suggested he look start to for something else then so that he doesn’t end up losing his job and he might find it hard to find a new position. He would either say the job is fine now (if he had had a good day, for a example) or he would say he’s not an idiot but he doesn’t know what he wants to do. I’d say well start thinking about it! You can’t give up work then take 6 months to think about what you want to do and then another six months to find a new role... Anyway he then said he needs to give up the job and thinks his boss will sack him anyway but needs to get in first for his own self esteem. I said please don’t, look for another job etc, but he was adamant he couldn’t cope and even saying people commit suicide in stressful jobs. I reluctantly agreed. I’m his wife and if he says he can’t do to the job then he can’t do it. I don’t want his health to suffer. BUT that was 4-5 months ago. He has barely been looking for jobs and when I raise it he is affronted that I’d even say it.

I can afford the mortgage etc on my salary but I’ve also been paying for the home improvements, his loan, all our food, our car (which I did partly because he needs a car to see his DD and when I suggested not buying a car then I was keeping him from his child). He doesn’t want me to just not keep him from his child, though, seemingly I am to provide a house, food, a car, petrol... So I’ve had to dip into my savings because of all we’ve paid out of the last few months and yes maybe I’d have put some of it on hold at the time if I had realised how long he planned to put off working

And now one of the jobs he’s looking at is 3 days a week and he thinks that’s great!

Each post you write makes him sound worse.

I feel sick just reading about him.

Please start looking at how you can split up from him. I think this strange man is going to have a sharp shock of reality very soon.

It's easy enough to divorce him as you have no children together. Believe me, your life will be 100% without this freeloading jackass millstone of a man round your neck. STOP paying for his shit! See a solicitor. He's gaslighting you now, but remember, ALWAYS remember: this is a person who walked out of supporting his own child. He gives that little of a shit about her. So if you think he will ever* be a person who isn't a selfish wankpuffin, guess again.

I know he does love his daughter. I actually sometimes think the way he behaves is because he’s struggled with his separation from his ex and his child. The thing is it has been years and he needs to take some responsibility. If he needs help then he needs to get help and not take it all out on me.

If he loves her he will do anything to ensure he pays to support her. His idea of 'love' is selfish and immature. He's a manchild, a mooch and a loser. Honestly, you deserve so much better and he's just freeloading.

sadly it looks like he's a freeloader, not paying for his DD is despicable. Expecting you to go out and earn etc, its just not on

you deserve better, you deserve to be loved and looked after, and he's not in it for you - my DH doesn't go out to work, but he looks after the DC and the house.

How much housework does he do? does he do all the cooking and cleaning?