Joint finances / DH has given up work for career change

[1000000Dreams]

DH and I have been married 4 years and have separate bank account with a joint account for bills. We each pay 50% of mortgage, bills, car but I tend to be the one who does food shopping. We pay for our own mobile phone bills, hobbies, any credit cards or loans that are our own, our own cars when we had two cars and he pays child support for his DD from his money.

Anyway DH has now decided he wants a career change which he thinks would mean his earnings might halve or he’d be on minimum wage. In the meantime he has left his current job so I am paying for house, car, food etc from my wage and savings, which is an issue if contention in itself. He says it’s fine as “it’s all one pot”.

Now when he starts working, assuming he earns less, how would you split finances? He might not be able to pay 50%. We share a vehicle now but that was supposed to be temporary. I have suggested to him that if he gets a minimum wage job he might find he has to get the bus to work as he won’t be able to afford a car. I’m sure he’d think I’m “mean” but we probably won’t be working in the same place any more.

AIBU to be annoyed to think he needs to be more responsible and I shouldn’t be left to pay the bulk of the bills even when he goes back to work.

I suppose the fair thing is that we each pay a proportion according to what we earn? So if I earn double then I’ll pay 2/3 of joint expenses and he pays 1/3?

Also this seems to be common as I know at least two other couples in the same situation.

He has expressed before that he’d want to be a SAHD if we have children. I honestly think it’s largely so that he doesn’t have to work!

Please, please, do not have children with this man.

Do you feel you can get past your embarrassment and talk to somebody among your family and friends? I think it would really help you to hear what they think because they know you before and after you've been with your husband, so they can see when you are happier.

Ask yourself honestly, is a relationship breakdown inevitable at some point? Given the complete lack of respect he has for you; conflicting values and work ethic; obvious points of contention that would arise with the addition of children?
Because to me, the answer is yes, and as such it’s far better to do it now than once you have children.

Doc I don’t think I have a mental health problem but my wife” and said he’d think he was being abused

Well, set the poor soul free. Really, you’d be doing him a favour...

Be careful! My ex gave up a job when I had a new baby. 6 years later he was still not working. I became ever more resentful that I was carrying the whole load. I think you need to have a frank chat.

He’s an entitled man baby.

He thinks you exist to facilitate his life.

He doesn’t respect you.

Can you live like that?

Please don’t stay with him because you’re embarrassed

I know someone who delayed ditching a cocklodging husband for a year because of that, and a bit of denial I guess. Fucking expensive year. I always say, your emotions will recover but you’ll not get the money back.

He’s actually taken early retirement

^^ This
He has no intention of getting a proper job. He is already talking about becoming a SAHD.
Stop letting him use the car, stop paying for his phone & credit card bills. Stop throwing your hard earned money at this wastrel. He will not make you happy in the long term.

Not advice, as such. But I read this today and it seems fitting with your situation: ‘My Mom once said to me: “I can tell you over and over to leave the situation. But you won’t until you’re ready. One day you will wake up and realise that this isn’t what you want to feel like any more, and you’ll be done.”’

I hope that day comes for you soon.

I'm all for supporting your partner, especially if they are unhappy in their current role.

But I'd not be a happy bunny at having to use savings to get by. I think when he goes back to work you need to ensure that you aren't dipping into your savings

Please don’t enable his claims of MH, he’s latched onto that as an excuse to avoid work and in turn blame you.
Career change my arse, I thought you were going to say he’d went back to uni.
Kick him out, sell the car, stop paying anything of his and try and keep your house.
He’s a waster, you deserve better.

FFS! He doesn't have 'mental health issues' and doesn't need to see a fucking GP. He's got Lazy Manchilditis. You are flogging a dead horse here, 1000. Why do you have to buy him out of the house? Did you buy it together 50/50? Every day you spend on this bloke is a day wasted. Give your head a wobble and start talking to a solicitor, not him, that's just wasting your breath. He has no intention of working again, he'll gaslight you and manipulate you to serve that end no matter what. He doesn't care about you, only your purse and his meal ticket.

and I wouldn’t have to pay for his mobile phone bill, his loan etc.

Here's a newsflash: You don't have to pay them now! Just tell him point blank, 'I can no longer afford to pay for your loan and phone so I won't.' 'But how will I pay them?' 'I don't know. You're an adult, you'll need to figure something out. I can't afford to pay them anymore.'

Learn to disengage with this user. He's used to manipulating you.

Btw isn’t golf really expensive?

your emotions will recover but you’ll not get the money back
This should be every divorce lawyer's opening speech!

OP, my DH had a shocker of a job situation, and it caused major stress (breakdown-and-medication-worthy stress) and when he worried about how we'd get by I told him it would be OK, because he could always get a job - any job - stacking shelves, or working in a pub, or whatever was available and low stress. And that reassured him. We got through it in the end.

Compare and contrast. Your 'partner' doesn't worry about money, didn't discuss what would happen if he quit, or plan for the future. He doesn't think he needs to get a job now, even though he's been unemployed for months. He doesn't want to go to the GP about possible MH issues...

Good luck op! I don't think you should discuss this anymore with him. Are you able to get lodgers in to help pay the bills (at least for the short term)? Then go and get professional dicorce advice now and end it. If it drags out it will cost you more money and heartbreak.

If he's not working then he can't afford to support his daughter, In a fair world your income should have nothing to do with it, she's his child, not yours but in the unfair world you'll be penalised.

Most normal people do not just give up a perfectly good job without first consulting with their partner and secondly finding another job to go to.
Can you honestly see him being able to deal with the relentless hard work of being a SAHD, he wouldn't last 5 seconds.
I live alone and even when I didn't there was just no way I could have afforded to give up work whether or not I had a breakdown.
I don't think a relationship with a man like this can be salvaged.
My ex was always letting me down like this and it was exhausting, he eventually left when the bank of his wife ran out of money and is busy fucking up his life elsewhere.

He's a lazy, entitled bum and doesn't even sound very nice from your subsequent posts.

I thought that according to the MN rules all money is ‘family money’? Or does that apply when only the male partner is working?

Ummm... you are married.
If the marriage isn't working, that's one thing.
But if it is then surely it's all joint money?

My DH was made redundant.
He had a few months on JSA (and some hilarious job ads in the Jobcentre e.g. topless video calls, for a plump 50 something bloke).
He found a temporary job.
We went abroad for a bit for my work, he couldn't work.
He came back, did some studying, and is now in a new career but still doesn't earn as much as me.
All of this is his career path, as his wife I supported him.
Isn't that what spouses do?
Why are people saying "he has to pay half"?

I can see there are problems in the marriage but the principle of a good marriage is surely that you share things?

I'm in a similar situation as you; DP resigned due to stress and is now "taking a sabatical". The difference is that we discussed it first and how the money is managed.

That discussion was crucial - I would have gone through the roof if he'd just upped and done it without thinking through the finances and involving me, not least as we are having to make changes to our spending as I can't carry us both without an equitable input from him.

Your's is being totally unreasonable; I wish I had some suggestions which would help.

@drspouse

She has said repeatedly that she doesn’t mind WHAT he does but he’s not willing to do anything at all.

We’re not talking about a man who was made redundant and has struggled to find work, of a man who has had a breakdown and needs to slow the pace.

It’s a man who refuses to work and has left his job with zero discussion also meaning he can’t support his child.

I’d say any man or woman behaving that way was a massive pisstaker.

I would have expected this to occur

He discussed with you tha he was stressed

He takes holiday from work

He takes sick from work, self certification

He takes long term sick, with support & certification from GP.

During this time he looks for other work

However, this did not happen, he just gave up his job ! You are paying for everything

He should be claiming job seekers allowance or ESA, this enables him to claim his National Insurance contributions towards his state pension & other benefits if you are in UK. If he is reluctant to do this, then you must stop paying his bills ! He needs to take responsibility for not working

You must give him a deadline to get a new job now !

He is showing poor responsibility to his existing child.
Why would you want children with him ?