To be upset that my parents thought it was our silver wedding anniversary today but made very little effort.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

Today is our wedding anniversary. 23 years. My parents have always sent a card (popped through door as we live so close) and usually a gift (a plant for the garden, some towels that sort of thing). We get on well and see each other a lot.

Today I opened a card from them that was a silver wedding anniversary card. I phoned them in gentle teasing mode (very gentle, really nothing to take offence to) to enquire whether DF hadn’t got his glasses on when he bought it (I had to say something as DS (8) saw it and would have mentioned it). I was met with an assertion that it was our silver wedding, then an acknowledgement that it wasn’t, but that I definitely had said it was. This last very strongly asserted...it was my mistake...I had said it.

I have most definitely never told them it was our silver anniversary this year.

I have become quite upset about this. For 2 reasons. The first is that, had they really thought it was our silver anniversary, I’d have truly believed they would have made more effort. For their 25th and 50th anniversaries I organised big family parties (that they wanted). Really nice presents too. And for their 40th I made a cake and bought a nice present and took them for a meal.

I saw them yesterday (I visit several times a week) and they didn’t mention it. Didn’t ask what our plans were; nothing.

I am also upset that DM is still insisting that I told them it was our silver anniversary. She is adamant it is my mistake not hers.

DM has now asked for the card back.

I have had a difficult time of it in the last couple of years (DD1 had a very serious, life threatening illness from which she is recovering well). They were very supportive. They know I’m a little bit less emotionally robust than I once was. A silver anniversary would have been a chance to celebrate our family coming through a difficult patch.

For completeness my parents are late 70s. DF looks and functions at least a decade younger. DM is physically frail but mentally very much ‘all there”. We are close. See each other frequently (several times a week) and they are doting grandparents. There are no problems in their relationship with DH.

I am really struggling with this. Believing that it was our silver wedding anniversary they didn’t even check our children knew (DD1 is 18 and DD2 is 15).

I am prepared to be told IABU. Maybe I’d like to believe I am as it would hurt less. For clarity - I didn’t want or need ‘stuff’. But if/when it is our silver anniversary I’d like to make something of the day.

Apologies. “For coming onto my thread”

I am genuinely grateful for all the constructive comments. And for giving me a talking to. And for the kind words that have been offered.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend everyone.

I’m glad you’re feeling better now, I am late to the thread. Just wanted to say that if it were me and my parents, the fact that I’d NOT asked for a party would lead them to assume I felt like being low key, for my own reasons that I’d not disclosed to them.

So when it IS your 25th Anniversary, how about you plan a ‘do’ with them, it sounds like the family could use it xx

Good luck! Xx

Other people’s wedding anniversaries are really not very important. My husband and I give each other a card but I would never expect anything from my parents.

Jesus Christ, I think you need to get a grip.

threatmatrix if you’d read the thread and her updates you’d see that she very much has.

I get you, OP, and understand your puzzlement; and you've been very gracious.

Meanwhile, You sound like a tantrumming child has got to be one of the most pathetic comments ever on AIBU, and that's going some.

Actually I don’t think YABU in questioning this. This is an action that you say is out of character for your mother, as is her defensive rebuttal of it being her mistake. If she normally remembers and makes a fuss then YANBU as it’s not her normal behaviour, regardless of others opinions as to whether we should expect to celebrate anniversary’s with or without expecting others to remember. The fact is that your DM always has and so you could expect her to do something for a special anniversary rather than less than her usual for “ordinary” anniversary’s. Unfortunately it Might mean the beginning of age related dementia. So you can either make a note of it and tot up any other oddities you notice in the next year before you discuss this with her and her GP, or chalk it up to a simple misunderstanding on your mother’s part. Personally from experience with my own Dad, I would do the former as he waited too long for medication to be very successful at keeping his dementia at bay. In the meantime just enjoy your time with your parents because it’s precious and unfortunately it’s always time-limited. Happy anniversary 💐🥂🍾

It sounds as if they are great with everything else and got mixed up about what anniversary it was. Maybe they really thought you'd said that. Either way I wouldn't have worried about it. I don't know how old people are on birthdays half the time. Your anniversary is yours and your husbands personal special day. Maybe your Mum is embarassed to admit if she did get it wrong. Either way, it sounds like you've been through much harder things than this. Maybe what you've been through has made you really emotional about little things

I would expect that parents would be more likely to throw a party/event than kids would. Generally weddings are before kids are born so why would you expect them to throw a party. WRT this situation the OP’s parents are being stubborn because they know themselves that they are losing control and won’t want to admit they are wrong

Its just a silly mistake on your parents part. let it go and chances are you will be laughing about this in 2 years time at your actual silver wedding anniversary. My mother likes to be right too (even when countless times she gets it wrong).

Parents are more likely to throw a silver wedding party for their children? Why in gods name... can't imagine. They will be elderly and should be thinking about their own golden/diamond wedding if they want to do this sort of thing.

I just thought it was a very dated thing to do, to have a silver wedding party. I remember my DPs did back in the 70s but I honestly don't know anyone who does this in this day and age. Me and DH just went off on a fab holiday - any excuse!

I mentioned this thread to dh as the wrong card thing was the first sign of dementia in mil (I posted about it upthread). He immediately said that acting "out of character" is absolutely the first sign, looking back.

Dementia can be a very, very slow creep, not sudden dottiness or madness. We didn't even really notice it in mil, and were clueless as no one in the family had had dementia. Everyone just thought she was getting a bit random, and then argumentative, and then angry - all very much not normal for her. And meanwhile fil was desperately covering up, to the family and GP.

When the GP went round to do an assessment (at bil's behest) fil had arranged mil up at the table doing her tax return [sceptical] .

You sound so whiny and needy. Ugh.

You want a party to celebrate successfully not getting divorced, host one. Why would your parents do that?!

is it a possibility that this has made you realise your parents are getting elderly...its awful to suddenly have the realisation of mortality.

I have entirely accepted I am unreasonable. Did so - I think - with a degree of grace and self reflection. I have replied with thanks and gratitude to people helping me to analyse my feelings. And have taken the criticisms of me on the chin. Quite why - BlueSkiesLies - you thought it necessary to post in this thread - nearly 48 hours after I first posted and after I have been unfailingly polite to everyone - just to be unpleasant really baffles me.

I think I’ve made a mistake in continuing to respond to posts (I just felt it was polite to do so if people have taken the time to respond) in that when - every so often - I do a round up and post a response globally to everyone who has last posted, this thread gets back on the first page and re-ignites interest in something that really is not that interesting at all.

For my final post on this thread I should like to thank everyone for taking the time to drop in on my little moment of self indulgence.

For clarity - there has been no drama at home about this at all.

             - I spent a couple of hours with my DPs yesterday and all was well.

             - I will keep alert to signs of memory problems in them. But shan’t overreact and won’t obsess over it. 

            -  I am entirely ‘over’ this now. I’m still a bit puzzled. But sometimes life throws a bit of a surprise. That is all this was. 

             - Posting here has helped me work out my feelings. 

I won’t post any further. I will let this die a natural death.

LadyMcBeth good idea, its making me cringe thinking about you reading the same things over and over. 💐

Yep, yabu.

In percentage terms, how much server space would be saved if everyone actually bothered to read the fucking thread before posting? I'd go for at least 50%.

The ones who show up simply to tell them off increase this exponentially... the irony

Really sorry to see you getting a hard time, I don’t think YANBU at all.

Is there anyone else you can leave the celebration of their 45th or 50th or whatever anniversaries to? You’ve done more than enough with little reciprocation.

I would just give them a card and that’s it from now on. Maintain normal relations but step back on presents and celebrations (birthdays and anniversaries).

Great update OP. Takes lots of inner strength to change perspective. Wishing you a great silver anniversary when it finally arrives!

It world be great if at the top of every thread, there was a reminder to skim long threads for OP updates, before posting.

How about it Mumsnet?

I think you have been very gracious and patient @LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood in the light of some of the responses here. I must admit the situation does strike some chords for me and because of that I can see why you've felt unsettled.

The most unreasonable bit is you being upset and shaken that she is insisting it was your mistake. She believes she’s right, you know you are. So what? Let it go. She is just misremembering- she is elderly! Enjoy your anniversary. It’s about the two of you not anyone else.