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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my parents thought it was our silver wedding anniversary today but made very little effort.

207 replies

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 20/07/2019 15:56

Today is our wedding anniversary. 23 years. My parents have always sent a card (popped through door as we live so close) and usually a gift (a plant for the garden, some towels that sort of thing). We get on well and see each other a lot.

Today I opened a card from them that was a silver wedding anniversary card. I phoned them in gentle teasing mode (very gentle, really nothing to take offence to) to enquire whether DF hadn’t got his glasses on when he bought it (I had to say something as DS (8) saw it and would have mentioned it). I was met with an assertion that it was our silver wedding, then an acknowledgement that it wasn’t, but that I definitely had said it was. This last very strongly asserted...it was my mistake...I had said it.

I have most definitely never told them it was our silver anniversary this year.

I have become quite upset about this. For 2 reasons. The first is that, had they really thought it was our silver anniversary, I’d have truly believed they would have made more effort. For their 25th and 50th anniversaries I organised big family parties (that they wanted). Really nice presents too. And for their 40th I made a cake and bought a nice present and took them for a meal.

I saw them yesterday (I visit several times a week) and they didn’t mention it. Didn’t ask what our plans were; nothing.

I am also upset that DM is still insisting that I told them it was our silver anniversary. She is adamant it is my mistake not hers.

DM has now asked for the card back.

I have had a difficult time of it in the last couple of years (DD1 had a very serious, life threatening illness from which she is recovering well). They were very supportive. They know I’m a little bit less emotionally robust than I once was. A silver anniversary would have been a chance to celebrate our family coming through a difficult patch.

For completeness my parents are late 70s. DF looks and functions at least a decade younger. DM is physically frail but mentally very much ‘all there”. We are close. See each other frequently (several times a week) and they are doting grandparents. There are no problems in their relationship with DH.

I am really struggling with this. Believing that it was our silver wedding anniversary they didn’t even check our children knew (DD1 is 18 and DD2 is 15).

I am prepared to be told IABU. Maybe I’d like to believe I am as it would hurt less. For clarity - I didn’t want or need ‘stuff’. But if/when it is our silver anniversary I’d like to make something of the day.

OP posts:
Durgasarrow · 21/07/2019 05:02

The reason children organize the parents' anniversary parties is because the parents' marriage is the reason why they (the children) exist.Even if you gave your parents a few nice parties in their adult lives, they have still done far more for you than you could ever do for them.

malificent7 · 21/07/2019 05:09

Never knew anniversaries were such a massive deal op. Surely a nice quiet meal slone with your dh is more romantic than a big bash! Sounds like hard work tbh.

malificent7 · 21/07/2019 05:09

Alone

orangeblosssom · 21/07/2019 05:12

AIBU.

orangeblosssom · 21/07/2019 05:14

YABU I mean

finn1020 · 21/07/2019 05:26

What a lot of fuss.

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 21/07/2019 05:30

Do you think your DM wants the card returning so that she can give it back to you in two years time?

Perhaps this is only the sort of daft thing that would happen in my family...

Taichipandas · 21/07/2019 05:51

Sorry you are upset and that you have been through such a difficult time recently op, it's good to hear your dd1 is recovering well. Hope you managed to have a lovely day yesterday. Flowers

Look on the bright side, your parents (and maybe your DC!) will now be prepared to help organise a big bash in two years time; as long as you are clear who is organising what and you can really look forward to it!

TheSerenDipitY · 21/07/2019 06:18

i get it... cant understand why others dont... they thought it was a big anniversary for you, got you a card, but other wise didnt give it a second thought, where as for a big one you and your family would normally make a big deal of it, for anyone, so this reaction was not expected and even though its not a big anniversary you are confused that if they thought it was why there was no mention of doing something to mark the occasion

feistymumma · 21/07/2019 06:23

YABU, it's not up to your parents to arrange this - it is absurd for you to think it is. You and your DH should have organised this never your parents

feistymumma · 21/07/2019 06:33

The information about being concerned that they are ageing is not in the original post though. That should have been the main point of your post OP. As it is you mainly focussed about not having a party thrown for you etc etc this is why people are mainly saying YABU.

waitWhatNow · 21/07/2019 06:34

I think I’m upset as it’s a sign of them getting older. Not dementia. Just a bit worn out I suppose.

I assume this is what you are referring to as the real issue? I do get it. I remember thinking my dad was superman when I was a child. He was so active and could fix anything. The first time he admitted he could not longer do something because of his health, I felt like the rug had been pulled from beneath me. You tend to believe they are indestructible! When there are signs of change it can be so sad. I've got used to it now and I still admire them as much. I just accept that getting older comes to us all and it changes us. Obv you know yabu about the wedding anniversary but I just wanted to pick up on what I felt might be behind it!

QueenBeee · 21/07/2019 06:40

I would say they have misremembered due to age and don't want to admit it due to being embarrassed or else worried that one or both are slowly losing their marbles. They may appear young but I am mid 60s and me and everyone I know my age has memory problems (scary) but we don't dwell on it.

whereiwanttobe · 21/07/2019 06:53

I understand where you are coming from 100%. My mum is now 89, and the last ten years or so we've seen a gradual decline. She sent my son a birthday card - we knew it was from her because it said "to my grandson" on the front - but she'd forgotten to write inside! She frequently misspells and crosses things out; gets confused about which present is for who; tells me and my siblings that one or other of us is doing something or has said something when we absolutely have not etc, etc.

But - she still manages her own home, loves her family, travelled abroad with us this year and finds pleasure in many things.

I giggle and grump with my family when she's being particularly daft, support her when she needs it and live in hope that she will always be able to stay in her own home. But I still feel sad that the passing of time is so apparent, and I imagine that is part of your sadness too. Very best wishes on your anniversary.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 21/07/2019 07:18

This is a total non-event that your are blowing wildly out of proportion.

I have no idea when my parents' wedding anniversary is, nor my sister's and if I were married I certainly wouldn't expect anyone (perhaps not even my husband) to care when it was.

ChocChocButtons · 21/07/2019 07:18

You need to take a grip of reality, who cares. My parents should of celebrated 40 years but they won’t because my dad died. This honestly is a fuss over nothing, be glad your alive and well and celebrating any anniversaries at all.

Senoritaforever · 21/07/2019 07:44

Tbf the op doesn’t mention that she is worried her parents are getting old and frail. Other posters have pointed out that op’s expectations are a bit much considering they are elderly.

Bluesheep8 · 21/07/2019 07:50

I have nothing to do with other people's wedding anniversaries on the whole. Unless it's a significant one, I don't send cards, and even then only to my 2 sets of parents (they are divorced and bith re married) IMO wedding anniversaries are about the 2 people in the marriage.

saraclara · 21/07/2019 08:14

Your DM bought the card by accident, she wants it back to get rid of it because she's embarrassed

Yes. Your mum will have been as scared by her mistake as you are. More so. And embarrassed. Her attempt to cover it by blaming you are likely to come from her own terror. And she's doubling down because anything else would be admitting to herself that her mind let her down. I'm in my early 60s and a common theme already in conversation with my peers, is our worrying about memory errors. If I'd made that mistake I'd be distraught.

The kind thing to do would be to let her think there's grounds for her having misheard.

MissClareRemembers · 21/07/2019 08:16

The reason children organize the parents' anniversary parties is because the parents' marriage is the reason why they (the children) exist.

No, the reason the children exist is because the parents had sex. Although I suppose you could organise a Conception Anniversary party but that might get a bit awkward...

😆 🤭

Sceptre86 · 21/07/2019 08:44

My parents acknowledge my anniversary with a phone call, I got a card for my first. My in laws usually get us flowers and a card. I appreciate the acknowledgement however I think anniversaries are between husband and wife. We like to go out for a meal or away for a few days unless it is a milestone I wouldn't expect anyone else to care. As for arranging something for a special anniversary surely it is up to your dh(or you) to do that if your kids are not able?

Herocomplex · 21/07/2019 08:46

Can everyone read the OP’s updates? She’s acknowledged the issue.

Seahorseshoe · 21/07/2019 08:48

27 years here. Didn't expect anything from anyone, other than DH. We did receive cards though from family. IMO anniversaries are for couples. Parties, maybe, for golden wedding, but I even think that's not warranted. Just my personal opinion. I think YABU and are lucky that you get presents off DM for your regular anniversary.

OneWorld · 21/07/2019 08:55

Op, your parents may not be physically able to organise a big party. But I’d have expected atleast a bit more effort. A bunch of flowers and a supermarket cake or anything that’s slightly over the effort they make for other events. YANBU. Let it go.

Roussette · 21/07/2019 08:57

Maybe some might think that's a bit much, but completely ignoring your parents SILVER WEDDING anniversary, and not even sending them a fucking TEXT is pretty thoughtless IMO

I know all families are different but really? I doubt my adult children can actually say when our wedding anniversary is, nor would I expect them to. It's our wedding. They are brilliant and thoughtful and wonderful for birthdays, they come up with such inventive presents for us and that's fine by me.

I maybe did tell them when it was 25 and possibly 30 if I remember rightly, and they whatsapped nice things but that's it, it was only said in passing

As for my siblings (both sets of parents not alive) they would not have the faintest clue when our wedding anniversary is!

OP I think it's quite sweet and funny your DM got it wrong although I'm sure it has hit home they are ageing.