To be upset that my parents thought it was our silver wedding anniversary today but made very little effort.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

Today is our wedding anniversary. 23 years. My parents have always sent a card (popped through door as we live so close) and usually a gift (a plant for the garden, some towels that sort of thing). We get on well and see each other a lot.

Today I opened a card from them that was a silver wedding anniversary card. I phoned them in gentle teasing mode (very gentle, really nothing to take offence to) to enquire whether DF hadn’t got his glasses on when he bought it (I had to say something as DS (8) saw it and would have mentioned it). I was met with an assertion that it was our silver wedding, then an acknowledgement that it wasn’t, but that I definitely had said it was. This last very strongly asserted...it was my mistake...I had said it.

I have most definitely never told them it was our silver anniversary this year.

I have become quite upset about this. For 2 reasons. The first is that, had they really thought it was our silver anniversary, I’d have truly believed they would have made more effort. For their 25th and 50th anniversaries I organised big family parties (that they wanted). Really nice presents too. And for their 40th I made a cake and bought a nice present and took them for a meal.

I saw them yesterday (I visit several times a week) and they didn’t mention it. Didn’t ask what our plans were; nothing.

I am also upset that DM is still insisting that I told them it was our silver anniversary. She is adamant it is my mistake not hers.

DM has now asked for the card back.

I have had a difficult time of it in the last couple of years (DD1 had a very serious, life threatening illness from which she is recovering well). They were very supportive. They know I’m a little bit less emotionally robust than I once was. A silver anniversary would have been a chance to celebrate our family coming through a difficult patch.

For completeness my parents are late 70s. DF looks and functions at least a decade younger. DM is physically frail but mentally very much ‘all there”. We are close. See each other frequently (several times a week) and they are doting grandparents. There are no problems in their relationship with DH.

I am really struggling with this. Believing that it was our silver wedding anniversary they didn’t even check our children knew (DD1 is 18 and DD2 is 15).

I am prepared to be told IABU. Maybe I’d like to believe I am as it would hurt less. For clarity - I didn’t want or need ‘stuff’. But if/when it is our silver anniversary I’d like to make something of the day.

The good news here is that now you know, you have plenty of time to make sure that everyone knows you want a big celebration for your silver anniversary. You could say, it's the silver lining! (Get it?)

Sorry.

I think you're being a bit over dramatic about it really.

It's really nice they give you a card and present every year.

You may have organised their anniversaries, but you are their child, and of course their anniversaries means more to you as a product of their joining then yours does to them.

It's more for the couple to celebrate, if your husband thought it was a silver wedding and that's all he did, you'd have a point, parents, nope.

Thankfully they didn't arrange a surprise silver wedding party for you. That would have been embarrassing.

YABU i don’t think a wedding anniversary is a big deal to anyone other than the two people who are married and even then we don’t make a big deal of it.

You need to grow up a bit maybe.

Being as you hadn't said anything about celebrating your silver wedding (which you wouldn't as it wasn't on the date they thought), I imagine they felt you didn't want fuss, hence their 'low key' attitude.

I understand OP. Is it also possible though that they too are less emotionally robust?

Happy 23rd anniversary!

Have to say that if it were your silver wedding anniversary, its yours to celebrate (and plan to celebrate it) , its your life together not anyone elses.

Its great that you've been married for 23 years as it is - and congratulations - hope you do something nice together.

I don't think yabu - they might have asked if you had plans, especially as dd1 has been so ill- they could have babysat, or just shown interest. I completely understand why you feel hurt in thr circumstances.

Whilst I understand you are feeling fragile I just don't think you realise how lucky you are to have both of your parents close by and that they have such a loving relationship with your children. I lost my mother before my children were born and my father several years ago. I have no siblings or other family and therefore nor do my children. I'm a single parent. It is the biggest regret in my whole life that my mother never met my children. I hate Christmas because we have no family and my children have no grandparents or aunts and uncles. Please count your blessings... you are so lucky to have the loving family you have. I wish you well and understand that small things niggle but this is not a big deal

I think times have changed.
People used to make a fuss, dress up for occasions and over the last decade people have not bothered.....
I am begining to think it is sad that we don't bother as it still is a reason to celebrate .

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. It seems you're not upset about a party or present just the idea that had they genuinely thought it was an important anniversary it seems almost ignored when you put so much effort into things for them. I would feel similarly I think.

A random thought though - maybe they accidentally brought the wrong card and are embarrassed about their mistake and therefore are blaming you to cover up. Could there be any concerns with your parents' memory ? Something some people are very good at hiding from family for a long time.

Actually, OP, I think YANBU. I get your family dynamic around wedding anniversaries; it's similar in my family (esp DH's side). I've been to numerous wedding anniversary do's: my cousin, my parents, DH's 2nd cousin, FIL's cousin, PILs 40th, 50th and 60th. Declined invite to DBro & SIL's 20th, then felt bad because she didn't see their 25th ... By contrast, we haven't organised anything for any of ours! DCs have been too young to organise for us - only just graduated / got first jobs now, as we are approaching our 40th (ouch).

Also, I totally get you being upset that your own mother made the mistake, then tried to blame you.

Congratulations and I'm glad your family pulled through tough times.

OP Dh and I have been married for 27 years and have never had an anniversary card and likewise I have never bought one for my parents. They are just not on my radar. Obviously, as a family, this is something you usually do however I think your upset has more to do with your DD being so ill that you could have lost her and the reality of your parents ageing. Do you think you could do with someone outside the family to speak to about this?
Happy Anniversary. Go out for a nice family meal and enjoy it.

I think PPs have been a bit harsh OP. You are obviously feeling a bit vulnerable and this has all come at a bad time for you.

As you see now, at least a part of why it has affected you to this extent, is due to the fact that things have changed with/for your folk - signs of ageing etc - and that got muddled in with being in a place where perhaps you would have appreciated a bit of tlc.

Hope this works out for good, as a PP said. Not easy when you are so close to your DPs to face their "fading" .

Gosh I wish people were capable of reading threads and understanding them. It isn't about the wedding anniversary per se. She is upset because she is realising her parents are (slightly) losing their grip on life. For those of us fortunate enough to have parents living into advanced old age, it is, sadly, all too common to watch the slow, unremitting slide. I expect, given OP's dd's health issues lately, OP has had more occasion than most to lean on her parents for support lately. Now she is facing the realisation, at a time when she is already emotionally quite weak, that her parental support network is not always going to be as strong, or indeed present, as she would wish. In effect, she is beginning the long grieving process we all go through for loved ones lost.

See? Nothing to do with her wedding anniversary, 25th or otherwise.

Ffs I don't even remember when my anniversary is. Yabu

YANBU at all.

I completely get you and why you are upset.

Your family tradition is that you participate in celebrating your parents anniversary and they do yours. You are both upset that if it had been your 25th, which is generally considered a milestone, they did not seem to see it as significant, particularly hurtful when you had put effort into their milestone anniversaries and given your recent family circumstances. Not only that but they also refused to acknowledge their mistake and blamed it on you which is always irritating but has also raised the spectre of cognitive decline as a possible cause, something which is a worry for many elderly people and their families.

So, I don’t think YABU to feel upset but there is nothing you can do but accept the new situation and try not to let it sully your relationship with them.

Happy anniversary, whichever one it is 🍾🥂

I don't expect anyone other than DH or me to care about our anniversaries. If other people send a card, that's lovely, but they don't have to. I don't expect family to organise parties or ring me in advance.... It's not their anniversary!

I’m quite shaken DM still maintains it was not her mistake. And I’m feeling sad at the thought of DF choosing the card when it was wrong.

In case it didn’t come across I love my DPs very much. I can’t quite explain why this has upset me so much.

I think you have explained perfectly OP.

Happy anniversary!

I’ve felt this type of reaction too, sometimes you feel that you give and give emotionally and at a point of vulnerability you think ‘what? Is that all I get?’ It’s not a considered reaction, you know you’re probably being OTT, but inside you’re feeling uncelebrated.
And maybe your DP’s we’re thinking ‘what? Silver wedding and we’re not included in the celebrations?’ Who knows?
I hope your DP and you have a nice evening, celebrate!

DM has now asked for the card back.