To be upset that my parents thought it was our silver wedding anniversary today but made very little effort.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

Today is our wedding anniversary. 23 years. My parents have always sent a card (popped through door as we live so close) and usually a gift (a plant for the garden, some towels that sort of thing). We get on well and see each other a lot.

Today I opened a card from them that was a silver wedding anniversary card. I phoned them in gentle teasing mode (very gentle, really nothing to take offence to) to enquire whether DF hadn’t got his glasses on when he bought it (I had to say something as DS (8) saw it and would have mentioned it). I was met with an assertion that it was our silver wedding, then an acknowledgement that it wasn’t, but that I definitely had said it was. This last very strongly asserted...it was my mistake...I had said it.

I have most definitely never told them it was our silver anniversary this year.

I have become quite upset about this. For 2 reasons. The first is that, had they really thought it was our silver anniversary, I’d have truly believed they would have made more effort. For their 25th and 50th anniversaries I organised big family parties (that they wanted). Really nice presents too. And for their 40th I made a cake and bought a nice present and took them for a meal.

I saw them yesterday (I visit several times a week) and they didn’t mention it. Didn’t ask what our plans were; nothing.

I am also upset that DM is still insisting that I told them it was our silver anniversary. She is adamant it is my mistake not hers.

DM has now asked for the card back.

I have had a difficult time of it in the last couple of years (DD1 had a very serious, life threatening illness from which she is recovering well). They were very supportive. They know I’m a little bit less emotionally robust than I once was. A silver anniversary would have been a chance to celebrate our family coming through a difficult patch.

For completeness my parents are late 70s. DF looks and functions at least a decade younger. DM is physically frail but mentally very much ‘all there”. We are close. See each other frequently (several times a week) and they are doting grandparents. There are no problems in their relationship with DH.

I am really struggling with this. Believing that it was our silver wedding anniversary they didn’t even check our children knew (DD1 is 18 and DD2 is 15).

I am prepared to be told IABU. Maybe I’d like to believe I am as it would hurt less. For clarity - I didn’t want or need ‘stuff’. But if/when it is our silver anniversary I’d like to make something of the day.

I’m in my 30s and my parents married a year before I was born so they must have had a 25th wedding anniversary but I don’t remember it. Neither their children or parents organised anything for it. I don’t even know the date of their wedding anniversary and have never sent a card/ gift. A wedding is between the couple and it’s not expected that anybody else should be remembering or celebrating unless they open their anniversary to others by organising something and sending out the invitations.

You’re being precious. They didn’t forget, they sent you a card. The fact they were a couple of years out is no big deal. There was no onus on them to celebrate it and they probably had no reason to think you wanted a celebration if you hadn’t mentioned it.

Honestly, I think you need to get a grip and stop worrying about how your parents are celebrating your marriage. It’s not about them.

What have you and your husband bought and organised for each other?

I cared for my Mum once she was frail and watched her die in front of me.

I can still remember the time period when there was a big change in her and that support system had gone, not just for me but my children as well and it was me giving the support.

She'd propped me and my children up, as an Widowed LP.

It's another massive life phase and a bloody tough one.

I'd take the card and a cake round to your DM and have a laugh about it.

I never expected so many replies.

I’m fine with a robust talking to. And I genuinely appreciate the time people have taken to respond.

To those who say I’ve blown it out of proportion though please be assured I have not done so. I’ve posted on here about being upset. I have not created a big - or indeed any - drama at home about it.

A better word to have used rather than upset might have been “unsettled”. Not enquiring after our plans or suggesting a lunch out somewhere really is very out of character for them. Given that we had not had a falling out at all and I had been chatting with my DM the day before, to me, in the context of how my family operates, it really was very unusual.

I accept that many people don’t anticipate ever having any acknowledgment from others for their anniversaries. But those experiences are not really relevant to my feelings of upset as they do not represent how my parents have ever acted before. To be clear - it was the shift from what I thought was ‘normal’ for us that upset/unsettled me.

All that said, I do see, on reflection, that I was unreasonable to have been so affected by what was a mistake and then a (quite stubborn but understandable) refusal to admit it.

To those who have asked - my husband bought me flowers and a cup and saucer and I bought him an upgrade on his phone and we went out for dinner last night (on the spur of the moment) with the children. I’m seeing DPs today. I won’t take the card back. I agree that was said in the heat of the moment to hide embarrassment. I probably won’t mention it unless they do.

Thanks again for helping me work through my feelings about this.

Yabu I think it’s all a waste of time tbh. We’ve never celebrated my parents anniversary it’s between them. All we say is happy anniversary have a lovely day, as they usually go off and do something. My parents also do the same with me and my siblings anniversary’s . The day is special to The married couple no one else.

Not wanting to be rude, but have you really not got anything more important to worry about? You are so lucky and you don't realize it.

wanting to be rude, but have you really not got anything more important to worry about? You are so lucky and you don't realize it

@Singlentosingle I think that worrying about this being a sign of dementia is a pretty damn reasonable thing to be dwelling on.

Als RTFT as the OP has already acknowledged this stuff several times

Is she really worried about dementia? Her op and her update this morning don’t mention any concern over her parents’ health.

The OP’s post was all about her. She pointed out how mentally able her parents are in support of her argument that they’ve treated her badly by a) not knowing she’s been married for 23 years not 25 & b) not planning a big bash for her putative 25th. The angst about dementia was suggested by others & jumped on by OP when her petulance was called unreasonable.

I’m not worried about dementia per se. No evidence of it specifically. More a general decline - less specific but still troubling. I was unsettled by something happening that was out of the ordinary and I was (unreasonably I have accepted lots of times now) upset by it. It comes when I am less emotionally robust than I used to be. The fact that so many people have highlighted (mostly kindly) that I am unreasonable has helped me to see that it is my present emotional fragility that is to blame for the way I feel, rather than anything my parents have done. This is helpful to me as I now know I need to try to aim for greater resilience.

Don't like big parties for landmark birthdays or anniversaries so cannot abide those who measure someone else in such a way. Especially if they haven't organised one or had one! All sounds like a drama over nothing. We are all fortunate to be alive to celebrate.

I think you should, shake it off, gather your parents, hubby and kids and head out for a meal and a few drinks to celebrate, a spur of the moment thing, don't give it another thought. You have 2 years to save, do something special, a party, a holiday for your silver, just pick yourself up, I think you are a bit too emotional at the moment to realise, it's not a big deal, laugh it off and realise you have a chance to have a fab silver celebration now. X

My mum forgot my 30th birthday, didn’t make a big fuss when she realised. In hindsight, it was the beginning of her having dementia. Maybe your mum has been a little confused & is genuinely upset that you teased her.

So you went on and on about it (otherwise how could DM be 'still insisting') until she said 'Oh, give me the sodding card back then!' ? Was that the desired result?

I honestly don't think it's that important. Your mother insisting that you had made the mistake is a bit annoying, but not a crime or a tragedy. Mostly parents do not make a big thing of their grown-up children's wedding anniversaries, except perhaps as guests. Their supportiveness over your daughter's illness is far more important IMO than what they do for a special day. It's usually the couple who celebrate their anniversary, and people vary in how important it is to them. My parents were happily married for nearly 40 years, ending in my father's death; and I would have to check in my 'special documents folder' if asked for the exact date of their marriage, so little importance did they give to their anniversary. That is a bit extreme in one direction, perhaps; but so, in the other, is expecting other family members to make a big thing of it spontaneously. The only worry that I would have is: could your parents' confusion about the date, combined with their defensiveness and blaming you for the mistake, indicate some memory problems on their part? If not, and it's just the sort of thing she occasionally does, I would not worry at all. PS: I hope all is now well with your daughter.

I absolutely did not go on about it. DM would not let it go yesterday. But I’m with her now as I type. Neither of us have mentioned it. As I have said upthread I love my DPs very much indeed. I am over it now. Thanks all

Thank you. My DD1’s recovery is very well established now. I am very thankful. That is much more important. But as mentioned, the challenges that the last couple of years presented dented my emotional resilience a bit. I have thoroughly worked through my feelings about this now.

Being part of a female couple, in our early 60s, who have no kids - we only ever get one card on our anniversary and that's from a straight couple of friends who've been our pals for 10 years.

We're touched that they do it, but really - celebrating anniversaries is down to the couple, not others.

Considering they send things for every other anniversary it seems a bit off, maybe they forgot and then had a panic and tried to pass it off as a card only thing.
My parents don't seem to give a shit that I am moving all the way across country out of necessity and have said absolutely nothing about it nor congratulated me on my new job.
I just secretly think to myself, don't expect me to look after you when you are old. I'm not being mean, this is an ongoing thing for years, ignored over siblings.

I'm pretty sure an anniversary is for the people in the relationship and if you wanted a meal or something you should partly organise it yourself.

Get over yourself

YABU though I’m sorry about the stress you’re under and your poorly child and your difficult mum (asking for the card back is not a loving move). But I think that anniversaries are about the couple and nobody else should be expected to care. I would go further and say it’s really irritating when women write lengthy heartfelt messages about how much they love their husbands and post it on insta or Facebook - tell your spouse you love them and happy anniversary over a candlelit dinner, on a stroll, in bed or the bath - anywhere but in social media - the broadcasting happy anniversary is so tacky, smug and gross. I’ve been happily married for 16 years by the way -I’m not a bitter spinster if that’s what I sound like.

I think people are being pretty harsh, OP. Clearly your DP think that a silver wedding anniversary is a big deal, or they wouldn't have asked for a party. They should have made more of yours then - not necessarily a big fuss, but a special gift would have been nice. YANBU to be a bit upset, you're not being precious.

Also, happy anniversary!

YABVU they’re elderly and up to this point have been supportive and kindly remembering your other ones. I’ve never bothered about ours, now almost 30 years. Find this self indulgent woe is me, a bit much. Enjoy your time, enjoy the company of two elderly parents, life is too short to feel so negatively.

I think you will see from my updates that I have absolutely ‘got over myself’. And acknowledged I’m unreasonable. And acknowledged that it’s my emotional fragility to blame. And thanked people for their time I’m coming into my thread.