To be upset that my parents thought it was our silver wedding anniversary today but made very little effort.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

Today is our wedding anniversary. 23 years. My parents have always sent a card (popped through door as we live so close) and usually a gift (a plant for the garden, some towels that sort of thing). We get on well and see each other a lot.

Today I opened a card from them that was a silver wedding anniversary card. I phoned them in gentle teasing mode (very gentle, really nothing to take offence to) to enquire whether DF hadn’t got his glasses on when he bought it (I had to say something as DS (8) saw it and would have mentioned it). I was met with an assertion that it was our silver wedding, then an acknowledgement that it wasn’t, but that I definitely had said it was. This last very strongly asserted...it was my mistake...I had said it.

I have most definitely never told them it was our silver anniversary this year.

I have become quite upset about this. For 2 reasons. The first is that, had they really thought it was our silver anniversary, I’d have truly believed they would have made more effort. For their 25th and 50th anniversaries I organised big family parties (that they wanted). Really nice presents too. And for their 40th I made a cake and bought a nice present and took them for a meal.

I saw them yesterday (I visit several times a week) and they didn’t mention it. Didn’t ask what our plans were; nothing.

I am also upset that DM is still insisting that I told them it was our silver anniversary. She is adamant it is my mistake not hers.

DM has now asked for the card back.

I have had a difficult time of it in the last couple of years (DD1 had a very serious, life threatening illness from which she is recovering well). They were very supportive. They know I’m a little bit less emotionally robust than I once was. A silver anniversary would have been a chance to celebrate our family coming through a difficult patch.

For completeness my parents are late 70s. DF looks and functions at least a decade younger. DM is physically frail but mentally very much ‘all there”. We are close. See each other frequently (several times a week) and they are doting grandparents. There are no problems in their relationship with DH.

I am really struggling with this. Believing that it was our silver wedding anniversary they didn’t even check our children knew (DD1 is 18 and DD2 is 15).

I am prepared to be told IABU. Maybe I’d like to believe I am as it would hurt less. For clarity - I didn’t want or need ‘stuff’. But if/when it is our silver anniversary I’d like to make something of the day.

It would be up to your children to organise the party. Just as you did for your parents.

I do think you are being a little bit unreasonable, I don't understand why somebody would celebrate you being married to your partner for a certain amount of time when that's something that should be celebrated between the two of you, it's not a birthday or Christmas or anything like that so it's a little strange to me that you would be bothered over this but that is just my opinion and my opinion would maybe be different if I was married myself x

I agree, it’s up to your children to organize something for such an event.

Or indeed yourselves

My children are younger than I was. I was 24 and working when it was their anniversary. DD1 is just 18 and has been very ill (they would know she could not). DD2 is 15. DS is 8. I wouldn’t look for a party. But some acknowledgement. A meal or even an enquiry as to what we were doing.

YABU I'm afraid. It's really something that's important to both of you but not anyone else's priority. That's as it should be regardless of your kindness to your parents around theirs.

Happy anniversary though

How do you know you're not going to walk into a surprise party tonight?

YABU, OP, it's your and your DPs anniversary and up to the two of you to make it a big event if you want it to be. Really, really not up to your parents or your children to make a fuss of you.

I’m prepared to accept I’m being unreasonable.

Apologies if I have not explained properly. It is not that they did not organise anything, it is that they did not check in with me - even the day before what we were doing

I’m also upset and mystified that DM is still insisting it was my mistake!

I think this while thing has become unnecessarily big thing. They got the date wrong. This should have been laughed off. Also parent air children organizing anniversary parties is not common enough thing that they should know to do it. So if you want a party it is ok to ask.

Most people I know organise their own wedding anniversary celebrations.

This is your anniversary.
You choose to give the party for them.
Own your world, if you want something tell people, no one can mind read....

Baffled by the attention you seem to want over something that is between you and your DH. You sound like a tantrumming child.
As others pointed out it's up to your children to sort out not your parents.

Also I would have just chuckled a little if my parents get the year wrong . I would be impressed if I remember how many years it has been let alone anyone else!

You teased them that they got it wrong and are now wondering why they've asked for the card back? Do you have form for jumping on mistakes or not getting on with your parents?

OP, YABU. Have a lovely wedding anniversary. If you want to do something for your 25th you can organise it yourself or ask your children to do this. I can't see why it is your parent's job to let your children know the anniversary and to throw a party!

Only my best friend remembers our anniversary, sometimes even me and DH have forgotten (🙈🙈) so I'd never expect anyone else to know a) it was our anniversary or b) how long we've been married. MIL says they "don't do anniversaries" apart from DSIL of course

Crikey what a huge fuss about nothing .

Because I know them I know that - even a year ago - things would have been different. I think I’m upset as it’s a sign of them getting older. Not dementia. Just a bit worn out I suppose. I’m quite shaken DM still maintains it was not her mistake. And I’m feeling sad at the thought of DF choosing the card when it was wrong.

In case it didn’t come across I love my DPs very much. I can’t quite explain why this has upset me so much.

I don't even know the date of my parents wedding anniversary.

Sounds like celebrating family wedding anniversaries is just a bigger thing for you than it is for your parents?
I think most people wouldn't mark another couples anniversaries except with a card.

You are being unreasonable.

Personally, I don't come from a background where other people, even close family members, are expected to celebrate a couple's wedding anniversaries. Apart from a really large number: I have attended or organised wedding anniversary parties at 40, 50 and 60 years. But usually I would not expect a wider involvement than that of the couple themselves. But obviously, that is me. You are used to a wider involvement.

I do recognise what you describe when you say your mother insists the 'mistake' was yours in the first place. My parents have done that sort of thing to me before, and it is very frustrating when you know for certain you would never have made such a comment, mainly because it is obviously not true. You say your mother is mentally all there, but even alert older people can be capable of making mistakes. I think sometimes they try to cover for themselves because there is a background fear that their memories are starting to go, so they make out it as your fault. At least, that is what I feel my parents have done in the past. It is upsetting, but I suppose you just have to move on.

Well I’m thoroughly told now. I’ll take it on the chin. Thanks all.

It would be up to your children to organise the party. Just as you did for your parents.

🙄 The children are 18 and 15.

To those saying it is not my parents job to throw a party - you are absolutely right - that is not what this is about. At all.

Oh I crossed posts with you and see that you are indeed upset to see your parents are getting older and maybe a bit forgetful. I am so sorry. I feel like I suffer with this sadness more often than not now. It is so hard to face up to your parents' mortality.