To be upset that my parents thought it was our silver wedding anniversary today but made very little effort.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

Today is our wedding anniversary. 23 years. My parents have always sent a card (popped through door as we live so close) and usually a gift (a plant for the garden, some towels that sort of thing). We get on well and see each other a lot.

Today I opened a card from them that was a silver wedding anniversary card. I phoned them in gentle teasing mode (very gentle, really nothing to take offence to) to enquire whether DF hadn’t got his glasses on when he bought it (I had to say something as DS (8) saw it and would have mentioned it). I was met with an assertion that it was our silver wedding, then an acknowledgement that it wasn’t, but that I definitely had said it was. This last very strongly asserted...it was my mistake...I had said it.

I have most definitely never told them it was our silver anniversary this year.

I have become quite upset about this. For 2 reasons. The first is that, had they really thought it was our silver anniversary, I’d have truly believed they would have made more effort. For their 25th and 50th anniversaries I organised big family parties (that they wanted). Really nice presents too. And for their 40th I made a cake and bought a nice present and took them for a meal.

I saw them yesterday (I visit several times a week) and they didn’t mention it. Didn’t ask what our plans were; nothing.

I am also upset that DM is still insisting that I told them it was our silver anniversary. She is adamant it is my mistake not hers.

DM has now asked for the card back.

I have had a difficult time of it in the last couple of years (DD1 had a very serious, life threatening illness from which she is recovering well). They were very supportive. They know I’m a little bit less emotionally robust than I once was. A silver anniversary would have been a chance to celebrate our family coming through a difficult patch.

For completeness my parents are late 70s. DF looks and functions at least a decade younger. DM is physically frail but mentally very much ‘all there”. We are close. See each other frequently (several times a week) and they are doting grandparents. There are no problems in their relationship with DH.

I am really struggling with this. Believing that it was our silver wedding anniversary they didn’t even check our children knew (DD1 is 18 and DD2 is 15).

I am prepared to be told IABU. Maybe I’d like to believe I am as it would hurt less. For clarity - I didn’t want or need ‘stuff’. But if/when it is our silver anniversary I’d like to make something of the day.

I think YABU. They're elderly and made the effort to send a card. I wouldn't expect my elderly parents to organise me a big party. In fact, in my family I don't think any of us have ever celebrated a wedding anniversary (except our own!) 🤔

I get what you're saying, in that if they thought it was a big one, surely they would have done more than normal... but the idea of someone buying anyone a present for a wedding anniversary as a regular thing is so completely outside my sphere of reference that I just can't figure out if you're BU or not.

I've been brought up that anniversaries are for the couple to celebrate between themselves and nothing to do with anyone else. I don't even know when my parents' is. (I'm mid 30s so not a self absorbed teen)

I have heard of couples throwing a party for themselves (and paying for it themselves!) for big ones, but never someone else organising it for them.

I'd be upset too OP!

So when it was your 23rd anniversary you were not bothered by if they asked you what your plans were. Add a mythical two years on and you are offended they have not asked what you are doing OP?

Have i understood that correctly?

When is your silver wedding anniversary?

It sounds as if you are feeling a bit more sensitive than usual which is understandable given the issues around your dd's health.

We organised big celebrations for my parent's 25th but like you, I was working by then. My 25th is next year and my children are 13 and 15 and will be mainly oblivious to the significance of the occasion.

In my thinking, if these occasions are generally celebrated in families (and of course that varies hugely), it is the children's job (if old enough) to do something for the parents but it doesn't follow that parents do the same in return. My parents will definitely send a card next year and maybe a small token but there will be no major celebration of the day. That will be down to us.

I'm sure, given the close relationship you have with your parents, you will not allow your feelings about this to damage it. Wishing you a happy anniversary.

I can't get over your mother asking for the card back. That is so fucking petty and ridiculous there are no words. I'm thinking your mum isn't as mentally "all there" as you think.

I think I understand your sadness. You’re sad because you’re probably used to your parents knowing every detail of your life and being so involved. You’re so important to them and that’s lovely but yes, they are getting old and things get a bit harder to keep up with. They made a mistake, maybe remembered at the last minute- try to put it out if your mind.

To those who have robustly but kindly told me to get a grip thank you. I needed that I think.

To those who have sympathised and seen my POV. Thank you as well. I kind of needed that too (bit of balance and all).

To the (very) few who have been sarky. Well, thank you for stopping by.

I absolutely agree that this is very insignificant in the scheme of things. I’m not as emotionally resilient as I used to be. But that is not anybody’s fault.

yabu

Yes. I have that.

I think you’re being quite unreasonable to get so upset about this - and I don’t really understand what, even if it was your silver anniversary, you were expecting from them? A big expensive gift? Throwing a party? Why would you’re parents need to do that? I don’t get this at all.

This is odd.
You are upset that
A) they thought it was your silver anniversary
B) if they (wrongly) thought that, they should have made more of a fuss

PLEASE read that and try to see the funny side.

No malice was meant.
Your mum probably was embarrassed about the card which is why she took it back

I have explained repeatedly what it is that upset me. I have explained that it was not about a party. I’m prepared to be told IABU. And have accepted that. But please don’t ignore what I have said about my reasons.

Try and put it the mix up behind you OP, your parents are pretty elderly and it’s common for things to get mixed up. Blimey I’m a lot younger than them but still make cock ups and forget stuff.

Get planning your 25th wedding anniversary now woman

Of course you're not being unreasonable to feel moments of sadness about your parents ageing/losing their grip on life a little, as it sounds as if this is what this was, in part.

But I agree with other people that anniversaries are for the people in that marriage to mark, and if they want a party, it is their job to throw one. I'm fond of my parents and have never even sent or given them an anniversary card, and nor have either of my siblings.

OP I think you are getting a hard time!
Your parents' actions are out of character for them, I can see how this has upset you. I would be concerned that this is a memory lapse due to age, your mother is probably defensive as she is very embarrassed about her mistake.

My comment was to Pixi.

It could be funny. I agree. But DM got quite cross. And I’m just a bit fragile. You have made me laugh though Bignicetree.

Thank you.

I'm not 100% what is upsetting you but it's clearly not the fact that they didn't make a fuss of your anniversary. I don't think you are unreasonable.

OP I think your post should be viewed as expressing disappointment n the light of your family culture, which is to celebrate anniversaries, especially significant ones. I have read on here before hat a large number of posters view anniversaries as being of no interest/cause for note, other than to the couple involved, they do not seem to acknowledge this view is not universal .
OP, maybe the thought of observing this significant day seemed a bit overwhelming t your parents’ age. Or maybe as you hadn’t mentioned special meal, etc they thought they weren’t invited?
Maybe have a conversation with DM sometime about her ideas about nice celebration in two years time. Get them on board early.
Good luck

I think you have overthought thism because you are feeling abit emptionally fragile - it was an easily made mistake, and not done deliberately to upset you. Put on the spot I'd have to think hard how long my DS and DDIl have been married, although I know the date of thier anniversary and send a card.

Basically they have done something they thought was nice (given you a card) and you have made a thing out of it. if either of them is having memory problems, they may be sensitive about that, i t can be a bit unnerving if you are sure somebody said something and it turns out they didn't. Or maybe they genuinly misheard something you said. Remember the intention was good and kind - they gave you a card because they love you - even if it went a bit pear shaped.

I would ring them and apologise, - just say sorry it was crossed wires somewhere along the line, you over reacted and you are very pleased with the lovely card.

Thank you again to those who ‘get it’. It was very out of character for them.

The real issue is that they are getting older. And I’m trying to get my mojo back after a couple of challenging years. And sometimes it’s easier to focus on the little stuff.

Peace and life to all.

Love. Love to all. Though life too of course.

Imagine if they'd organised a huge surprise party for your (wrong) 25th anniversary, and you had come home from the landfill site or something to find your house covered in HAPPY SILVER WEDDING streamers and everyone leaping out from behind the sofa with TWENTY-FIVE YEARS!!!! balloons and a giant cake.

I think seeing parents get old is hard.
Sometime just letting things go is the best way, your mum really did think you said 25 not 23. Maybe she is used to you organising things and so left it as you had not mentioned it.