To be upset that my parents thought it was our silver wedding anniversary today but made very little effort.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

Today is our wedding anniversary. 23 years. My parents have always sent a card (popped through door as we live so close) and usually a gift (a plant for the garden, some towels that sort of thing). We get on well and see each other a lot.

Today I opened a card from them that was a silver wedding anniversary card. I phoned them in gentle teasing mode (very gentle, really nothing to take offence to) to enquire whether DF hadn’t got his glasses on when he bought it (I had to say something as DS (8) saw it and would have mentioned it). I was met with an assertion that it was our silver wedding, then an acknowledgement that it wasn’t, but that I definitely had said it was. This last very strongly asserted...it was my mistake...I had said it.

I have most definitely never told them it was our silver anniversary this year.

I have become quite upset about this. For 2 reasons. The first is that, had they really thought it was our silver anniversary, I’d have truly believed they would have made more effort. For their 25th and 50th anniversaries I organised big family parties (that they wanted). Really nice presents too. And for their 40th I made a cake and bought a nice present and took them for a meal.

I saw them yesterday (I visit several times a week) and they didn’t mention it. Didn’t ask what our plans were; nothing.

I am also upset that DM is still insisting that I told them it was our silver anniversary. She is adamant it is my mistake not hers.

DM has now asked for the card back.

I have had a difficult time of it in the last couple of years (DD1 had a very serious, life threatening illness from which she is recovering well). They were very supportive. They know I’m a little bit less emotionally robust than I once was. A silver anniversary would have been a chance to celebrate our family coming through a difficult patch.

For completeness my parents are late 70s. DF looks and functions at least a decade younger. DM is physically frail but mentally very much ‘all there”. We are close. See each other frequently (several times a week) and they are doting grandparents. There are no problems in their relationship with DH.

I am really struggling with this. Believing that it was our silver wedding anniversary they didn’t even check our children knew (DD1 is 18 and DD2 is 15).

I am prepared to be told IABU. Maybe I’d like to believe I am as it would hurt less. For clarity - I didn’t want or need ‘stuff’. But if/when it is our silver anniversary I’d like to make something of the day.

Ha ha you are being ridiculous. It's also my silver wedding this week.

DS (18) is on holiday with his mates. I'm not really expecting anything from him, I don't think he even realises that people give gifts or have parties for anniversary celebrations.

My mum has dementia and my dad recently passed away.

DH and I, on the other hand are having a lovely weekend away and will be choosing gifts for each other to commemorate.

Really? Is this all you have to complain about ? Your an adult, act like one instead of sulking like a child.

Happy anniversary!
You know you've been a little foolish. I actually think it is understandable that you're feeling upset. Perhaps subconsciously, your parents knew it wasn't your silver anniversary (because you hadn't mentioned it - your DCs hadn't mentioned it, etc) and that impacted on their response. Or they may even have thought you were deliberately excluding them from plans.
Don't read too much into it about their frailty. We can all get confused sometimes.

There has been some real kindness on here. Thank you. I don’t want to single people out in case I overlook someone. But to those seeing the bigger picture for me today (and not having me down as grabby or attention seeking) I am very grateful.

I do think I over reacted (though not to them - it hasn’t been a big drama). But it is part of a larger canvass. Of moving into a new era; when I am still reeling from the last few years.

This thread has helped me to articulate and explore those feelings. I am grateful.

Sorry OP I didn't read all of your updates. Sorry you have had a hard time with your DD and I do sympathise if you are finding it hard with your parents getting older, it's difficult. I hope you and your DH have a nice day.

Your DM bought the card by accident, she wants it back to get rid of it because she's embarrassed, that would be my take on it.

My elderly aunt sent me a card to 'Mother', a not very elderly neighbour sent me a card this Christmas addressed to their own names, not ours. Least said soonest mended applies here I think.

None of us like acknowledging we're not as sharp as we used to be, be kind and move on OP. They sound like decent parents.

I get what you are saying regarding your mum getting you a gift and a card and always marking your anniversary but have you thought your parents genuinely thought it was your silver anniversary this time round and were maybe feeling left out thinking you had made special plans without them ?
Could be thats why you only received a card and they made no fuss and your mum feels stupid for getting it wrong thats why she reacted so badly .
Happy anniversary by the way 💐

I think you are looking for a slight when there isn't one,

Anniversaries are between two people, a card should suffice from anybody else.

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood

I am 100% on your side, even if most others are not!!!

With us it's not our parents that didn't acknowledge our silver anniversary, (they died quite a few years before it.) It was our DC who never acknowledged it. But yeah YANBU to be hurt.

Our 2 kids (early 20s at the time, and not living at home at the time,) did fuck-all for our silver wedding anniversary. Not a card, or a text, or a twitter or facebook message. Me and DH went abroad for the week to celebrate, and we had a nice time, but I was disappointed that my DC never even acknowledged our anniversary. DH was too. We found it hurtful.

When I moaned on several message forums about it, I was told to suck it up and get over it as it's OUR anniversary and nothing to do with our kids. I disagree. I think they could have at LEAST got us a card, or said 'happy anniversary' on bloody facebook.

We are their parents after all, and have never forgotten ANYTHING of theirs. We have been there for everything, and given them cards and gifts for all sorts, including 'good luck in your new home,' and 'get well soon,' and 'congratulations on passing your driving test,' etc. As well as every birthday. (They forgot our birthdays a few times too! Though not for the last 3-4 years or so...)

When MY parents had a special anniversary, we all made a fuss (me and my 2 siblings,) and threw a bit of a bash for them. And on a 'non-special' anniversary, we got them a card and gift. we even got our aunts/uncles a card for theirs.

Maybe some might think that's a bit much, but completely ignoring your parents SILVER WEDDING anniversary, and not even sending them a fucking TEXT is pretty thoughtless IMO.

They are older now (mid to late 20s,) and are more thoughtful thankfully, and always make a fuss on our birthdays! (And Christmas, and mother's day and father's day.) But they still don't acknowledge our wedding anniversary! Annoys us a bit, but it looks like things ain't gonna change!

Guess we DO need to suck it up.

Just hope they don't complain when we don't acknowledge their anniversary when THEY get married. Because we won't. If ours isn't important to them, (and not even worthy of mentioning at all,) then they shouldn't expect us to acknowledge theirs...

I think your DM was projecting her embarrassment back onto you. You teased her, she clearly took offence (even though that's not what you were trying to do). Maybe she IS getting forgetful, or maybe she thought that you were insinuating it. My DF gets very snappish if someone says anything that he sees as a sleight regarding his age. And MIL will snap your head off if you dare gently mention that she's done something a bit wrong … Asking for the card back is just childish. But I don't think it's their job to throw you a party - at least you now know you're going to have to sort one yourself in 2 years!!

Just let it go, maybe they are not feeling up to scratch at the moment.

Mil's dementia started with getting random cards and confusing birthdays/ages/anniversaries. She would become embarrassed/furious if anyone pointed it out. Fil would desperately cover and say that it was he who had bought the card or made the mistake.

Bil in particular got very cross as he was fighting against seeing his parents get older and not as with it as they had been.

In fact between her sons being in denial and fil covering up, it was ages before mil was diagnosed. I would urge staying alert.

ime Silver Wedding anniversary parties are usually organised by the couple themselves if they want a celebration, or by their children if they are old enough, never heard of one organised by the couples parents before. It has been a while since I've been at one, don't think it is as big a thing as it was years ago with more people choosing to celebrate privately. If your 25th is coming up in a couple of years, and it is important for you, maybe start saving/planning now for a celebration or maybe a holiday just you and dh?

It is sad when your parents get older and I think it is common for them to not realise dates etc as clearly, at least you got a card, I don't get a birthday card or even a phone call from my elderly parent now. Not even for my 50th last year ☹. I know they don't mean to be forgetful of the date and it is not personal, so don't complain.

Let it go. Life's too short. Happy Anniversary!

Honesty wouldn’t bother me (& I’m notoriously over sensitive).

Oh yes Happy Anniversary !

It's our silver wedding anniversary next year. Our children will be 10 and 14. My parents died 6 years before we got married, when I was 20 and my MIL had such a miserable marriage that I doubt it will occur to her to send us a card, let alone organise a party. But it's OUR wedding anniversary, not theirs and I don't really expect anyone else to celebrate it unless we choose to have a party and invite them.

YABU, nobody but me and hubby celebrate our anniversary...

She is upset because she is realising her parents are (slightly) losing their grip on life.

Are they though?

It's possible they misheard 23rd for 25th and it's just a silly misunderstanding.

And there was an element of the OP being upset that that would be all they did for a 25th.

I think there are different traditions and expectations in each family. In mine, it's always the children to celebrate things like this for the parents and buy nice gift, cards or organise something of a big one. I don't always get it but it's just how it is in mine.

I wouldn't expect parents to do anything for my big anniversary.

I think you're overthinking this to the point of being unreasonable. We had our silver WA last December, it never occurred to us that anyone would make a big deal about it other than us, DH parents are both gone, my DM was in hospital at the time so my DF was busy with other matters. No big deal as far as we were concerned, it was OUR special day, and we celebrated it together. My parents don't even remember the day despite it being my DH birthday the same day!

You are totally overreacting. They have clearly got confused. Why on earth would you expect two pensioners to organise a party for you. Stop being so dramatic.

OP I get it. I think you explained well
& you seem to have assessed it reasonably as being linked to the very difficult time with your DD which affected your emotional resilience.

I think it's a loss of connection that you feel, and yes, I think it's linked to ageing, even tho both are, happily, well. As children, regardless of our age, we still 'depend' on our parents & it hurts, even when it's minor, to feel let down.

Happy anniversary. Hope you enjoy with your DH 💐

I understand every family has their norms and your feelings are hurt. But I’ve never understood why an anniversary is to be celebrated and recognized by other people. Surely it’s between the couple? And maybe if your adult children want to do something that’s nice, but it’s really the two people who’ve committed to each other.

Your parents are in their 70’s. I’d let this go.

It’s funny how the little things become big. And are taken out on the wronf people. Why not call your Mum and say I’m sorry if I upset you, and you’ve really been there for me in difficult times. That’s the true sentiment here, how much you value each other.