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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my parents thought it was our silver wedding anniversary today but made very little effort.

207 replies

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 20/07/2019 15:56

Today is our wedding anniversary. 23 years. My parents have always sent a card (popped through door as we live so close) and usually a gift (a plant for the garden, some towels that sort of thing). We get on well and see each other a lot.

Today I opened a card from them that was a silver wedding anniversary card. I phoned them in gentle teasing mode (very gentle, really nothing to take offence to) to enquire whether DF hadn’t got his glasses on when he bought it (I had to say something as DS (8) saw it and would have mentioned it). I was met with an assertion that it was our silver wedding, then an acknowledgement that it wasn’t, but that I definitely had said it was. This last very strongly asserted...it was my mistake...I had said it.

I have most definitely never told them it was our silver anniversary this year.

I have become quite upset about this. For 2 reasons. The first is that, had they really thought it was our silver anniversary, I’d have truly believed they would have made more effort. For their 25th and 50th anniversaries I organised big family parties (that they wanted). Really nice presents too. And for their 40th I made a cake and bought a nice present and took them for a meal.

I saw them yesterday (I visit several times a week) and they didn’t mention it. Didn’t ask what our plans were; nothing.

I am also upset that DM is still insisting that I told them it was our silver anniversary. She is adamant it is my mistake not hers.

DM has now asked for the card back.

I have had a difficult time of it in the last couple of years (DD1 had a very serious, life threatening illness from which she is recovering well). They were very supportive. They know I’m a little bit less emotionally robust than I once was. A silver anniversary would have been a chance to celebrate our family coming through a difficult patch.

For completeness my parents are late 70s. DF looks and functions at least a decade younger. DM is physically frail but mentally very much ‘all there”. We are close. See each other frequently (several times a week) and they are doting grandparents. There are no problems in their relationship with DH.

I am really struggling with this. Believing that it was our silver wedding anniversary they didn’t even check our children knew (DD1 is 18 and DD2 is 15).

I am prepared to be told IABU. Maybe I’d like to believe I am as it would hurt less. For clarity - I didn’t want or need ‘stuff’. But if/when it is our silver anniversary I’d like to make something of the day.

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 20/07/2019 18:29

Sometimes, something really throws you off balance. It's like everything shifts just a little bit, so everything seems not quite aligned properly. Your parents have behaved in a way that's very out of character and that could be alarming if you are usually close. You've already had a difficult and unsettling couple of years (glad to hear that your daughter is recovering though). So I think it's totally understandable that this relatively small thing has assumed an unusual importance to you.

Mumberjack · 20/07/2019 18:56

YANBU for being annoyed that your DM keeps going on that it was your mistake and she’s in the right!!

campion · 20/07/2019 19:24

I get where you're coming from OP and many posters have articulated their sympathy and understanding kindly.Ignore the others.

Go have a cup of tea with your mum and (hopefully) laugh it off.
It's hard when it dawns on us that our parents are getting old but cherish what you still have with them Flowers

Dillydallyingthrough · 20/07/2019 19:31

YANBU - I don't know why everyone keeps saying it's only to be celebrated by you and your DH (and even worse the nasty 'grow up'). I can't understand why people can't grasp that YOUR FAMILY do celebrate anniversaries.

I understand why your upset and by the sounds of it your parents have acted a bit of character. My DP organised my Dsis anniversary get together, so in some families parents organising something for their DC is normal. I do think your DP are a bit embarrassed and possibly sensitive and that is why they are behaving the way they are - it is upsetting when you realise your DP are aging, but also for them.

I realise there is no advice in my post, but just wanted to say I understand.

Happy anniversary Flowers

CookPassBabtridge · 20/07/2019 19:42

You sound lovely OP and well done for seeing your unreasonableness. Like you said it's more about deeper issues, they are getting older, more tired, forgetful and you have had a worrying, scary couple of years. Maybe you feel like you need taking care of by them but they're going the opposite way.

Senoritaforever · 20/07/2019 19:56

I know what you mean but I think it’s about your parents becoming elderly and you expect them to stay the same but the change can be gradual.

My mother and elderly relatives are mixing up birthdays, cards, ages and dates a lot. It’s hard enough for those of us who are younger and supposedly more organised and with it to keep on top of everything.

I’d let your parents off and be kind to them. They probably feel daft and they will be losing their energy now to be organising or taking a major interest in what all the family are doing.

Late 70s was the age everything shifted in my family with my parents gradually starting to struggle and me having to support them more.

Idontwanttotalk · 20/07/2019 20:00

"For completeness my parents are late 70s. DF looks and functions at least a decade younger. DM is physically frail but mentally very much ‘all there'."
Maybe your DM is not as mentally healthy as you believe, especially as she is so adamant that you told her it was your silver wedding anniversary?

It isn't up to your parents to make sure your DC know it's your anniversary. Put in on a family organiser calendar. They are old enough to check that for upcoming events.

CellularBlanket · 20/07/2019 21:00

You have explained OP - and many of us understand exactly what you mean.

Let the others, who have not read the full thread, have missed the point or who just want to have a jolly good chat about wedding anniversaries in general, get on with enjoying themsleves now! Grin

Original poster
LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 20/07/2019 21:03

Thank you. Talking it out has really helped me.

OP posts:
Bringonspring · 20/07/2019 21:06

Completely unreasonable.

ilovesooty · 20/07/2019 21:44

I'm glad the thread has helped even though a lot of posters have been obtuse or even unkind. I think what you said about a new canvas was telling. I hope you and your husband enjoy your anniversary (even though the thread was about more than the anniversary itself).

Alsohuman · 20/07/2019 21:49

If it makes you feel a bit better, my parents didn’t even register my 60th birthday. There wasn’t even a card. They were old. And they loved me to bits and thought the world of me. That’s what matters.

Bignicetree · 20/07/2019 21:56

Parents getting frail is the shittiest part of growing up.
I feel your pain.

Maybe this will make you laugh too.

On my dad’s 74th birthday my elderly mum gave him a card and wrote happy anniversary inside .Blush

In other news 23 years married is amazing - well done !

SunnyCoco · 20/07/2019 22:38

I think your mum only got cross because she felt embarrassed
Don't worry op. Pop round for a cuppa and laugh it off x

flyingspaghettimonster · 20/07/2019 23:13

I wouldn't expect anyone except my hisband and I to care about a silver wedding anniversary, or any anniversary really. A card is more than enough recognition I think. We never get any except from each other.

Keeoe · 20/07/2019 23:31

Oh God, this sounds exactly like the woman of a man I used to work with. I remember asking her age for one thing or another and she said she was 43 and a half. I mean come on. Uf you're 4 maybe that matters but in your forties?! Same goes for other peoples anniversaries - expecting other people to get all excited for something personal to you like that? YAB a bit U I'm afraid. It's not all that important to other people I'm afraid. I'm from the nod and smile and accept gracefully, no matter if someone's dates are slightly off. No biggie in the bigger scheme.

Keeoe · 20/07/2019 23:32

Gah, wife of not woman.

Dieu · 20/07/2019 23:37

Yabu. I make THE biggest deal on loved ones' birthdays, and go to a big effort at Christmas too.
However I'd be hard pressed to remember my own anniversary, let alone anyone else's.
I think you're being really precious, sorry.

Mydogmylife · 20/07/2019 23:50

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood. I totally get where you're coming from - of course it's nothing to do with having a party thrown for you! I ( and (DH ) were close to my parents and a special anniversary/ birthday would always be celebrated with a 'special card' and a small gift relevant to the occasion. For example our silver wedding gift was a small silver magnolia tree for our garden, not expensive but carefully chosen . BUT as the years crept on on even though they were both looking great and on the ball some of these things slipped - got forgotten or the wrong day etc. It's the realisation that your parents are sadly not invincible I think that is what's making you feel sad - chin up though and just be glad they are still there for you - I miss mine every single day.

campion · 20/07/2019 23:56

Read the whole thread fgs.
It's not really about the anniversary card!!

campion · 20/07/2019 23:59

...and that obviously wasn't aimed at you @Mydogmylife

Mydogmylife · 21/07/2019 00:02

@campion
Was that addressed to me? I was trying to say that I understood that it really wasn't about the card as such - more that it represented a change in the dynamics of a relationship as parents get older

Mydogmylife · 21/07/2019 00:02

@campion

Oops crossed post !

campion · 21/07/2019 00:05

Smile We're in total agreement @Mydogmylife!

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 21/07/2019 00:06

It's your wedding anniversary not your parents,its up to you to make it special,It has nothing to do with them really it's your marriage.

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