to put my 1 year old twins in cots when I can't take it?

[spottytiger45445]

I have 14 month old twins which I absolutely adore. Every day I look forward to nothing but playing with them but recently they have become very hard to handle.

The eldest twin is vv clingy as in; I will play with her, she has lots of toys, I cuddle her a lot, she watches a bit of peppa pig, gets plenty of snacks but is never happy. An example can be she's fully fed, changed, given attention but I am currently in the middle of a degree, so I often do need to sit and use my laptop for work. She will pull at my clothes and whine very loudly and cry until I pick her up to put her on the sofa. After I feel like she's had enough on the sofa she will get down or I will put her down but immediately starts to scream again. This can happen from the minute she wakes up until she goes down to sleep so all day basically. I known the difference to when she needs a nap as I will put her down. I don't think it's teething purely because at night they will both sleep 12 hours and there are no other signs of teething apart from a tooth.

Now the 2nd twin is becoming like this and it's frustrating for DP and me because we do give them enough attention but feel like we're lacking somewhere. They can screech really loudly all day and we don't like to open our windows because it sounds terrible and the walls are thin too. It's not like a quite screech either it's a full on tantrum cry!!

In the end it gets a lot for us and we will time out the kids and put them upstairs until they calm down but is this unreasonable? Does anyone have any advice? It is just a phase.... right?!?!

Could your partner do some flexi working? Drop a day or 4 long ones?

@Passthecherrycoke yes that's it, just as they've gotten older the clingyness has increased massively. before obviously from birth until like 10 months I could entertain them and they would be happy playing, crawling around. From then on they just seemed to want a lot more attention and sometimes do still cry and whine even on our laps.

@MyDcAreMarvel - the problem in the first place being that i wanted to know what I could do with the clingyness? Not my course. That wasn't the topic but it was turned into the topic somehow.

I think lots of people think they can manage a lot of me time for whatever reason with non mobile, sleepy babies for a little while, but this is reality kicking in now and you will need to look for some childcare or give up the full time course.

Yes but if your dp is playing with and generally looking after his children their would be no issue with clinginess. The problem is your dp not you dc.

Op I'm confused, does the DP work or not? Is he the twins Dad?

Hmmm. It could just be a stage. Tbh you seem to spend loads of time playing with them- I barely ever played with mine (although, tbf they were in full time nursery at that age) I second maybe going out mode as opposed to being in the house playing- it’s probably not as stimulating as we think, especially as they get older

It is about the course though because that’s the reason you can’t give them all of your attention.

I’m sorry to say but this will most likely continue at least until they are three. They simply don’t understand that you need some time to crack on with things until then. ‘Clingyness’ is completely normal.

Nursery or do your work when they’re in bed.

@MyDcAreMarvel not true at all.. we both play with them equally but if the clingyness is a phase how can it be our faults? elaborate. not trying to be hostile or anything but we genuinely do play and look after our kids all day. Family members have also witnessed what they're like when they cry and cry when we're holding them or playing with them but think it's funny or cute because they don't have to deal with it.

Op your dp should be in sole charge of the twins while you work. I am not suggesting you don’t play with your twins but it doesn’t not take two of you.
You are a full student time student , your dp needs to be the full time carer. I don’t understand why this is not already happening?

When DS was little (now 4.8 yrs) , he was very good at occupying himself with things. Had hours of fun taking small toys out of a cardboard box and then putting the back.
DD (2.3 ) has never been like that. She likes someone to be right there whatever she is doing. We have just got used to it and now DS quite often occupies her.
Baby 3, due next week, I am hoping praying will be like DS .

@Pinktinker it's not because my original post was referring to in GENERAL how to cope with the extra clingyness, I.e more activites to do. I added that yes I might be on my laptop but it's not nearly as much as you'd think. I'm on it for 20 minutes at the most then I turn my attention back to them, but this is for example 20 minutes every so often just so I am consistent. But I don't use it to the point I'm ignoring them?

Op does he work or not? If not then why isn't he doigg the full time childcare whilst you study in a different room?

Their needs are met not just with a full tum and clean bum but by being played with and entertained pretty much as long as they're conscious. However you can build up their resilience in leaving them by using play groups etc so they're encouraged to play increasingly further away from you

Thing is you can’t just ignore the FT studying because it is likely to be a cause of the clinginess. You’re putting yourself under a huge amount of pressure to do those sorts of hours and it just isn’t feasible without childcare. The twins will pick up on that and they are just not at an age where you can expect indepdent play for longer than 10-15 mins at a time.

Naps would help but even then, you’d get 2-3 hours if you’re lucky. Most people use nap time for dinner prep, space to decompress, chores etc. I ran myself ragged working on my non-working days during nap time. It is just too much pressure.

@MyDcAreMarvel yes I get what you are saying, believe me if this was one baby I wouldn't think twice, it's because its two. He does look after them if I ask him to which is hardly because I'm not working intensely like people think I am where I need to be upstairs for 5 or 6 hours. If I FEEL I will need 2 hours I will say and he does it and has no issue. But it's still a lot to handle when it's everyday all day is what I'm saying, forget the part about me doing uni.

Could you afford some help (sorry if you answered this already)

A cleaner for a couple of hours a week and someone to help with the twins either 1 day a week or a couple of hours a day, take them out in double buggy and you can get some work done

They’re not newborns anymore. For the first 4-6 months they are usually quite happy once fed and clean but it changes once they become more active. They need to be entertained and need mental stimulation, some of them need more than others. It’s perfectly normal.

You have avoided the question from umpteen posters but why can’t you work when your DP looks after them? I’m sure he has days off work? That’s if nursery isn’t financially feasible.

Ok cross post so he does look after them. I can’t really see the issue tbh. Are you expecting them to be happy playing alone for an hour stretch?

OP, have you looked at a childcare grant? I think someone else mentioned them but here are the eligibility rules and page for applying: www.gov.uk/childcare-grant/eligibility

I'm beginning to think I should have left the FT course part out

But that is totally relevant.
Looking after 14month old twins is a full time job.
You are trying to do 2 x FT jobs.
That is why it is an issue.
The whole things about naps and clingy-ness and other issues is all related. Expecting to be able to 'pick up your laptop to do some work' is unrealistic.

Of course, none of us know your dc. It is absolutely possible that one or both of them might have some issues - we don't know that either way, but it is very, very likely they are just being normal toddlers. Babies and toddlers do things at different stages, but most of them go through a clingy stage at some point.

Having toddlers is hard work. Having 2 x toddlers must be incredibly exhausting. That is why people focus on it full time. Or, where they are able to pay for childcare professionals to do that, go out to work or study whilst someone else is giving them full time attention.
That is why the studying / course is pretty relevant.

1. totally normal behaviour for 1year olds (the clingyness and naps). You’re not going to change that.
2. having small children and studying full time is possible, despite what many people think. Thousands of women including myself have managed it before now. Here’s the thing though....

It’s tough. Like immeasurably tough. It drives you into all kinds of madness and the only way to get through it is to find coping strategies and I can promise you now that none of those strategies is trying to change the way your children are behaving, that will just drive you up the wall further.
Some childcare provision is preferable and if you can’t do that for whatever reason your DH needs to allow time into his schedule to take home/parenting duties so that you can study. Once you’ve put one or both of those into place, you’ll start winning the battle.

Back to your original question, all parents reach a breaking point where they have to get away from the children as quickly as possible for a few minutes before they say or do, something they regret. Putting your twins in the cot when you recognise you’re reaching this point is a good thing not a bad thing.

They're still babies. They're not going to learn anything by being timed out ffs! In fact this will only serve to make them even more anxious and clingy. Do your coursework when they're napping, when your partner is home to take over the childcare and in the evening when they are in bed. Any other time you, as their main carer have to make yourself available to them whenever they demand it at this stage I'm afraid.

OKay, x posted with your last post.

So - is their Dad at home with them all day ?

(Puts totally different slant on the whole question)

@spottytiger45445 so is the kids dad who's home with you all day, or a partner of yours who will pop over and do childcare occasionally?

MyDcAreMarvel yes I get what you are saying, believe me if this was one baby I wouldn't think twice, it's because its two.
Op I have twins when they were 14 months their siblings were 5 months , nearly 3 and 4 and a half.
Yes hard work but it didn’t take dh and myself to look after them. It was great when there was two of us but most people look after dc alone whilst the other partner works or studies.

I think you're missing the point that people are trying to make - at 13/14 months old, wanting your attention basically 100% of the time isn't being clingy, it's just how kids that age are. And it doesn't really get better until they are approaching 3/4.

That isn't a problem to be solved (though getting naps sorted is), you need to figure out a different way to get your studying done. E.g leaving the house and working in a coffee shop for a few hours may work better than snatching a few mins here and there which was probably fine when they were babies.

It does sound like you're all at home a lot too - getting out at least once a day even if it's just to feed the ducks would help a lot