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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to put my 1 year old twins in cots when I can't take it?

214 replies

spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 14:03

I have 14 month old twins which I absolutely adore. Every day I look forward to nothing but playing with them but recently they have become very hard to handle.

The eldest twin is vv clingy as in; I will play with her, she has lots of toys, I cuddle her a lot, she watches a bit of peppa pig, gets plenty of snacks but is never happy. An example can be she's fully fed, changed, given attention but I am currently in the middle of a degree, so I often do need to sit and use my laptop for work. She will pull at my clothes and whine very loudly and cry until I pick her up to put her on the sofa. After I feel like she's had enough on the sofa she will get down or I will put her down but immediately starts to scream again. This can happen from the minute she wakes up until she goes down to sleep so all day basically. I known the difference to when she needs a nap as I will put her down. I don't think it's teething purely because at night they will both sleep 12 hours and there are no other signs of teething apart from a tooth.

Now the 2nd twin is becoming like this and it's frustrating for DP and me because we do give them enough attention but feel like we're lacking somewhere. They can screech really loudly all day and we don't like to open our windows because it sounds terrible and the walls are thin too. It's not like a quite screech either it's a full on tantrum cry!!

In the end it gets a lot for us and we will time out the kids and put them upstairs until they calm down but is this unreasonable? Does anyone have any advice? It is just a phase.... right?!?!

OP posts:
Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 14:55

@Beanbag7 - i will give that a go. They used to nap but it would only be 15-30 minutes, not sure if that is enough for them?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 19/07/2019 14:56

You need to get them into a nap routine. Most children nap until around age 3. Mine both were still in 2 naps at that age. After lunch put them both in the buggy and walk until they are asleep. Then go home and park them in the kitchen or something.

vanessalightfoot · 19/07/2019 14:56

If they nap in the buggy, I would be going out with the buggy after lunch every day. I know it’s not ideal for you as if they were in the cots, you could be getting stuff done, but it’s a step in the right direction and might have a positive impact on their moods / whinge levels later in the day.

I hate to say it but I agree with everyone else about the feasibility of combining FT study with FT childcare. And also that it will become harder not easier, as they get more mobile and curious. 2/3 year olds are faster louder and can go and cause mayhem in opposite directions. I don’t think you can carry on in the hope they will occupy themselves for longer as I think it will go the other way.

isitwhatitis · 19/07/2019 14:57

I'm at a loss to see why on earth you thought this was a good idea. It's not fair on the twins, they are only young children once and you and they are missing out on so much. I know it's hard because I did my qualifications when my DCs were tiny but spent the time with them duing the day and my nights with the coffee machine whilst I studied. SOmething has to give and it shouldn't be your twins.

megletthesecond · 19/07/2019 14:58

You really can't study or work in the day with small children around.

Maybe 30 mins at lunch if you're lucky and they nap. Everything else needs to be done in the evening when they're asleep.

ClashCityRocker · 19/07/2019 14:58

Can you switch your degree intensity to part time? You can usually go back to full time with the OU should it become more feasible.

I'm doing a degree at part time intensity at the minute and no way in hell could I do it with twin babies to look after. It's still hard enough with a full time job (and I am sure looking after twins is just as much hard work as this) and that's only part time.

SinkGirl · 19/07/2019 14:59

Unfortunately when you have twins realistically no one wants to swap childcare! I’ve been there.

I’d look into childcare. Mine started a couple of mornings a week im January and it makes so much difference. You may be eligible for some help towards it if you get tax credits already, worth checking the calculator.

dottiedodah · 19/07/2019 14:59

Maybe defer your course for a year or so?.2 babies of that age are very demanding ,and need full on care and attention!.The thing is ,if you can look after them F/T now, you can pick up your degree again later on.You cant really recapture this time you have with them later !.I think you are brave to try this ,but its really not going to work is it?.I think a lot is expected of young families today, and it isnt fair on either you or your LOs TBH

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 15:00

@Llindsey85 - They do get a lot of attention, I go upstairs with them everyday where I set up the room with toys etc and we play together, and again downstairs, my main issue was that we DO give them a lot but one will still cry all day. For some reason everyone has gotten the impression that I want them to leave me alone which is not what I want. As a FTM I was wondering whether this amount of clingyness was normal.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 19/07/2019 15:02

I look after my grandson one day a week, he's 1. Unless he's asleep, I don't get anything done really, because I'm playing with him, or sitting wi him whilst he says playing. I'm able to do little things like put the washing in, make lunch, a bit of tidying round, but I would not be able to do any work in a laptop ! Your expectation of being able to hold down a course as well as looking after your children is unrealistic without other childcare. They are babies, they need interaction. Putting them in a cot because they are screaming is really poor parenting.

urbanlife · 19/07/2019 15:04

You are expecting the impossible. You can’t do two jobs at the same time. Parenting twins and a degree.
Children aren’t going to be happy to be fed, cuddled and entertained for 5 mins and then you have magically bought yourself two hours of computer time. They are not cats and need constant supervision and care under the age of five.
You need to be realistic op!!

Bringonspring · 19/07/2019 15:05

Could you get a mother’s help or an au pair? I’m a big advocate that an au pair is not for full time care at that age but maybe they could help with the cleaning take them to the parking giving you 1-2 hours during the day and then 4 hours whilst they are asleep with 8 hours left for you to sleep

urbanlife · 19/07/2019 15:05

I wouldn’t even attempt to do it with one baby much less two!!!!!!! 😳😳😳

christinarossetti19 · 19/07/2019 15:06

Yes, this amount of clinginess is perfectly normal and will likely increase. Once they are more mobile, your day will be spent picking things up after them, preventing them from hurting themselves or each other, preventing them climbing in the oven etc.

I agree with the posters who say that it's impossible to work/study with no childcare. Definitely not full time, unless they go to bed like clockwork at 7pm and you have the focus and energy to work in the evenings and protected time at weekends.

User12879923378 · 19/07/2019 15:07

For some reason everyone has gotten the impression that I want them to leave me alone which is not what I want.

You know, it's not unreasonable to want this actually. Loads of mums would like more time to do some adult stuff whether it's housework or a bit of work or admin or just a bit of TV. It's unreasonable to expect it, that's all Grin

Herocomplex · 19/07/2019 15:07

Let’s not denigrate people here, the OP’s asking for help because she’s struggling. I think she’s really worried about looking after her DC’s properly, if she didn’t she wouldn’t be asking.

RhubarbTea · 19/07/2019 15:08

Kids can sense when you are impatient with them because you need to be getting on with something else. Even quite young kids. So, in answer to your question yes clinginess like they are exhibiting is normal and expected and in fact you need to re-align your expectations to account for this, but also just as importantly, you are probably making them worse because you are not giving them your full attention.

Are you doing work via something like the OU? You may be able to defer a year. You might think, yeah but I just need to get through this year of study, but this is your kids lives and they will always remember your face in the laptop, they'll never be this age again.
You are dodging advice from people who mention the study but this is central to your issue, not a side thing of little importance.

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 15:08

@Soontobe60 guess the health visitors are giving out "poor parenting" then? Each to their own I guess but from what I've heard/seen I don't think it's unfair to put a baby who is crying AFTER you have fulfilled it's needs in a cot to give yourself a couple of minutes. Hmm

OP posts:
Ohwhatbliss · 19/07/2019 15:09

That level of clinginess and demanding attention is TOTALLY normal. As others have said they really need to nap at 14 months, my 17 month old has 3 hours in the middle of the day and my eldest who is a terrible sleeper had a day nap until 2.5. Being overtired really won't help the whinging and becoming upset and unable to be consoled. If they sleep in the pram, walk, or drive, whatever to get them to sleep.

There's no way I could work at home with my 17m old bar the 3 hours my DD naps

IsobelRae23 · 19/07/2019 15:09

Yes it is. It’s all about attachment.

AmateurSwami · 19/07/2019 15:09

I still can’t study with my 4 yo in the house. I can’t fathom it.

babysharkah · 19/07/2019 15:10

A playgroup or nursery would be better for them than you trying to work while they're around. My twins are 5 now but I still can't get much done work wise when they're around. 35 hours a week is very almost full time and completely unrealistic with small kids around.

FWIW though, when mine were small there were occasions when I put them I their cord and walked away for 5 minutes to save my sanity.

Atalune · 19/07/2019 15:10

I don’t understand.

Are you and your partner both at home all day. You’re studying full time?

Your partner? What does he do?

Look for a childminder for 3 mornings a week. I would also speak to your HV about the naps and their day and your expectations.

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 15:10

@User12879923378 I don't expect it either.

OP posts:
AmateurSwami · 19/07/2019 15:11

guess the health visitors are giving out "poor parenting" then?

I’ve only ever encountered shit health visitors who give out weird advice.

However putting them in a cot for 10mins for your sanity is better than the alternative of losing your rag. If you were putting them
There all afternoon while you studied then obviously it would be an issue.