Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to put my 1 year old twins in cots when I can't take it?

214 replies

spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 14:03

I have 14 month old twins which I absolutely adore. Every day I look forward to nothing but playing with them but recently they have become very hard to handle.

The eldest twin is vv clingy as in; I will play with her, she has lots of toys, I cuddle her a lot, she watches a bit of peppa pig, gets plenty of snacks but is never happy. An example can be she's fully fed, changed, given attention but I am currently in the middle of a degree, so I often do need to sit and use my laptop for work. She will pull at my clothes and whine very loudly and cry until I pick her up to put her on the sofa. After I feel like she's had enough on the sofa she will get down or I will put her down but immediately starts to scream again. This can happen from the minute she wakes up until she goes down to sleep so all day basically. I known the difference to when she needs a nap as I will put her down. I don't think it's teething purely because at night they will both sleep 12 hours and there are no other signs of teething apart from a tooth.

Now the 2nd twin is becoming like this and it's frustrating for DP and me because we do give them enough attention but feel like we're lacking somewhere. They can screech really loudly all day and we don't like to open our windows because it sounds terrible and the walls are thin too. It's not like a quite screech either it's a full on tantrum cry!!

In the end it gets a lot for us and we will time out the kids and put them upstairs until they calm down but is this unreasonable? Does anyone have any advice? It is just a phase.... right?!?!

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 19/07/2019 15:12

You can lol about it all you like but your expectations are really unrealistic and you need to get real childcare if you want to do so much studying.

Pinktinker · 19/07/2019 15:13

I studied with three under three. It was not easy but it’s precisely why I chose to study at uni and put them in nursery. Young children just don’t understand that you’re studying and need some quiet, they just want your attention.

Study when they are in bed and when your DP can look after them or maybe put them into nursery.

HeadintheiClouds · 19/07/2019 15:13

I’m very sure your health visitor didn’t advocate putting them in their cots so you can get on with your work, op.

Maybe they’ve learnt that only negative behaviour gets your attention, and when they’re not screaming they’re completely ignored while you make a grab for your laptop?

Justwanttotravel · 19/07/2019 15:13

I started (and completed) a history degree with a 4 month old, a 3 year old, a 4 year old and a part time job. Managed by studying after DC’s bedtime, staying up until the small hours, and weekends when DP took on the childcare. Hard work but paid off.

IsobelRae23 · 19/07/2019 15:14

Me and exdp started our degrees when ds was 11 weeks old. It was hard! We were both in brick universities, but obviously had a considerable about of work to do at home. Especially when we both had the same deadlines. We had ds in a nursery 5 days a week, and it was still hard work. Trying to be a mum to 2, give them all the attention they need, with no naps that you can do a few hours work, and do a full time degree at home? I can’t imagine. Honestly. One or the other is being neglected- work or the twins. (Unless you are superhuman- if you are well done, I am super jealous!).

Jellybeansincognito · 19/07/2019 15:15

I don’t understand these replies at all, op you’re clearly struggling and anyone would with a clingy toddler velcro’d to them, never mind 2!

My kids were extremely clingy and it’s only just really stopped now my youngest is 2.5. My daughter was so bad she used to cry until she was sick whilst I prepped dinner for us until she was 2!

If you’re finding it hard (away from you doing uni stuff) then of course get help for that! I don’t see anything wrong with occupying your children for half an hour or so every now again between playing for a blitz on your studies.

Waveysnail · 19/07/2019 15:16

OP you would be better looking at daycare a couple of mornings a week to give you time to study. Realistically you cant study with two toddlers bouncing about.

Howdidido · 19/07/2019 15:16

You say you're a FTM... But also say you're a FT student. Which is it? ~Or have you magically found the way to extend the hours in your day to be both~[[
Yes if you're at the end of your tether it is better for you to put them down crying than shout or hit them. That is what HV and others have said. But if they're crying so much maybe look at why...?!
AND it sounds like you want them to entertain themselves while you study. This is not possible at 14months . Every single post here says that. You are doing them a disservice. They cannot develop properly whilst being ignored. You need childcare or you need to switch to PT. OU are open to that.

Why are you ignoring the fact that everyone is saying you're trying to do the impossible?

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 15:16

@HeadintheiClouds There's a reason why I'm ignoring you. Again, I haven't ONCE said that I put them in their cots because I get bored or pissed off with them, can I ask what post you are actually reading? Because if it's this one you would clearly see I said when I am at my wits end I do it. Thank you. Carry on with you useful advice.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 19/07/2019 15:16

Actually I'd put them in nursery for 30 hours a week of you can afford it so you can get your course done

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 15:17

@Howdidido Where am I ignoring the part where it's impossible? I am taking on board what people have said about childcare and naps. What part of that is ignoring it? Yes, everyone has said it over and over again, I am aware of it. So what was your point again?

OP posts:
pikapikachu · 19/07/2019 15:18

When they whinge they might not need something like a change but they might want something like your attention.

While you're not unreasonable to use the cot for a short period like 5 mins (I assume that this isn't multiple times per day), you are wildly unreasonable expecting to study 35 hours a week with them at home. The more you ignore them by being on the laptop, the more that they will whinge. You need to either get childcare or do the last year part-time.

Waveysnail · 19/07/2019 15:18

Or op could you drop to pt for next couple of years since its ou

Fallofrain · 19/07/2019 15:18

Theres is very limited harm in people using play pens etc for short periods of time eg. To do the washing up.

However if your trying to fit in 36 hours of works thats too much time for them to be alone. Obviously if you can steal away an hour while they nap and a couple at night thats fantastic! But it unrealistic to try and complete full time hours whilst also caring for a child full time

Could you get the bulk done at the weekends when family might be able to watch them?

Several hours a day of not "being present" eg engaging with the children, playing etc definately seems too long

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 15:20

@Fallofrain - I mentioned previously, we have no family up here. It would have to be childcare.

OP posts:
Howdidido · 19/07/2019 15:20

i don't think it's unfair to put a baby who is crying AFTER you have fulfilled it's needs in a cot to give yourself a couple of minutes.
Their needs don't just mean fed and toileted and not tired. It means their mental and emotional needs too.
You've only replied to people who suggest ways for you to get more work done. Not the majority of replies who say you need to let something give here. Because at the moment the thing you are letting give is the emotional and developmental needs of your twins.
It's not a failing to say you need help

pikapikachu · 19/07/2019 15:21

Its unusual for a 1 year old to be happy playing without adult interaction for longer than a minute or two.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 19/07/2019 15:22

They do get a lot of attention, I go upstairs with them everyday where I set up the room with toys etc and we play together, and again downstairs, my main issue was that we DO give them a lot but one will still cry all day

Two of my four DCs would cry all day if in the house too. It sounds like you're home a lot, do you have playgroups / friends / family for a change of scenery sometimes?

Pinktinker · 19/07/2019 15:22

Most people rely on paid childcare to get by. I went to uni so got a childcare grant and mine were in nursery for 16 hours a week so I could study. I spent a further 10ish hours studying at home when they were in bed or on DH’s days off. It was a difficult and exhausting few years but I made it.

With OU you could drop to part time.

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 15:22

Also I get the impression people seem to think that I'm ignoring my children to work which is not true. I only ever bother attempting to work if they're napping, or currently happy and playing with toys or asleep...

OP posts:
Howdidido · 19/07/2019 15:22

Its unusual for a 1 year old to be happy playing without adult interaction for longer than a minute or two
This
You are asking the impossible of them

Pinktinker · 19/07/2019 15:23

If they’re not in nursery you do really need to be taking them to a playgroup type thing or even just the park, swimming etc too. Are they getting this or are you home 24/7?

thecatinthetwat · 19/07/2019 15:24

They do get a lot of attention

I think your idea of a lot of attention is not the same as everyone else’s. children that age need near constant attention. Not a lot, constant.

I’ve got a 4 and 2 year old and couldn’t hope to get more than half an hour in. Plus it’s very here or there and you never know when you’ll be interrupted.

How long have you been doing this for?

DappledThings · 19/07/2019 15:24

@Howdidido the F in FTM usually stands for First not Full if that's what you were asking.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2019 15:25

It isn't unreasonable to go e yourself 5 minutes spaces so you don't lose your sanity. However how long is it really? You can't do any work, can't go and do any housework without them getting upset but in their cots alone thry really only cry for 5 minutes?? They're too little to understand I put them in "time out"

I have a 4 yo, I don't study whilst he's awake. I think it's crazy think you can do full time childcare and full time work / study simultaneously without compromising both. Is going part toek an option then study at night?

And your DP doesn't look after them for you, he looks after his own children

Swipe left for the next trending thread