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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to put my 1 year old twins in cots when I can't take it?

214 replies

spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 14:03

I have 14 month old twins which I absolutely adore. Every day I look forward to nothing but playing with them but recently they have become very hard to handle.

The eldest twin is vv clingy as in; I will play with her, she has lots of toys, I cuddle her a lot, she watches a bit of peppa pig, gets plenty of snacks but is never happy. An example can be she's fully fed, changed, given attention but I am currently in the middle of a degree, so I often do need to sit and use my laptop for work. She will pull at my clothes and whine very loudly and cry until I pick her up to put her on the sofa. After I feel like she's had enough on the sofa she will get down or I will put her down but immediately starts to scream again. This can happen from the minute she wakes up until she goes down to sleep so all day basically. I known the difference to when she needs a nap as I will put her down. I don't think it's teething purely because at night they will both sleep 12 hours and there are no other signs of teething apart from a tooth.

Now the 2nd twin is becoming like this and it's frustrating for DP and me because we do give them enough attention but feel like we're lacking somewhere. They can screech really loudly all day and we don't like to open our windows because it sounds terrible and the walls are thin too. It's not like a quite screech either it's a full on tantrum cry!!

In the end it gets a lot for us and we will time out the kids and put them upstairs until they calm down but is this unreasonable? Does anyone have any advice? It is just a phase.... right?!?!

OP posts:
Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 15:25

@Stuckforthefourthtime - It comes back to the nap issue, by the time we get out 10 minutes in they're asleep. So I need to get them to nap then I can take them out. My DP's family is in cornwall which is 8 or more hours from us. My family is in london which is 4 hours away which means obviously we can't visit every weekend like others probably would.

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 19/07/2019 15:27

Ime the clingyness is normal enough. My dd is über clingy, still is at three but a sociable outgoing soul so it’s not held her back. Don’t forget teething goes on for ages and the back ones start coming through which are some of the worst I reckon. Couple that with the normal development stuff they need a lot from you emotionally. It’s tough, especially with two, but that’s the job.

I agree that it would be beneficial to really consider ways to get childcare. A lot of women will have already gone back to work be considering it at this age so it’s not going to hurt them at all.

I get why you put them in their cots. It’s not something I ever did (dd would chuck herself around like a mackerel in the damn thing) and I think it’s okay to do to regain your composure but I would consider how often you do it and for what reasons. They’re too young for time outs really imho, but if they’re still going when you’ve regained your composure I’m not sure what message that’s sending them.

Howdidido · 19/07/2019 15:27

Is you DH at home or at work all day? You may need to study all at the weekend and evenings to get anywhere near as much as you need.
I did a PT OU course while working FT. that was a huge amount of work.
Effectively what you're trying to do is a FT course with a FT job. Somethings got to give

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 15:28

@SleepingStandingUp I don't leave them for more than a few minutes. I obviously know that they don't understand "time out" so I don't give them a time out and if I said so before I worded it wrong but I honestly don't leave my kids in their cot crying for longer than a few minutes. I feel the need to do so because I honestly feel like I will end up losing it after I play and play with them, hold them close to me, read books and loads of other activities but it's not enough. I don't CARE about the work the way I care about how it seems like I'm not doing enough.

OP posts:
Howdidido · 19/07/2019 15:30

For your sanity a group class or playgroup sounds sensible
Are you not getting out? I can understand going crazy if you aren't.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2019 15:30

It comes back to the nap issue, by the time we get out 10 minutes in they're asleep
Car or bus? If car will they sleep if you stop driving? Laptop to Macdinalds drive through, get coffee and work in the car park. If on bus same but coffee shop / park table.
Then on to your activity / park etc.

Libbylove2015 · 19/07/2019 15:31

Just wanted to post a quickie and say well done you for trying to continue your degree with twins - it must take a lot of dedication and commitment. People do manage it - I know two NCT friends who went back to uni after their maternity leave and now have degrees. I myself am planning to go back to uni (admittedly part time) after my soon to be born is 1.

It's easy to say you are being unrealistic, but life doesn't always work out in a conveniently timed plan and we can't always afford to wait until conditions are perfect to get on with life.

I'd agree it feels a bit pointless trying to achieve anything with toddlers around but it sounds like you might be able to get away with a few hours in the evenings to do work?

And in my opinion, it is fine to put them in the cot for short periods of 'quiet time' now and then for you all to cool off if there is nothing actually wrong with them and they are just playing up. I've done it many times!

Good luck with everything.

BackforGood · 19/07/2019 15:31

Putting them in a safe place like a cot for a few minutes if you are at breaking point is fine. Trying to study full time while looking after them is just not possible.

This.
From te title thread I was coming on to give you support, thinking you just needed 5 mins break on a really bad day.
However, you are being totally unrealistic in thinking you can do a full time course whilst looking after one 14month old, let alone two. Of course you can't expect them to 'entertain themselves' whilst you work on your lap top at that age.
So no, it is not right to be putting them in their cots so you can study. You need to either defer your study, or find some way of financing childcare.

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 15:31

@Howdidido I go out regularly but what I mean is when I do go out it's when they choose to nap so essentially going out to go to a playgroup is useless if they're asleep. I need to get them to nap first to avoid falling asleep before hand so they can actually enjoy the group. I don't really know how much good it will do them if they've just fallen asleep and I wake them up to play, especially if they haven't slept at all.

OP posts:
Ohwhatbliss · 19/07/2019 15:32

I really think 14 months is a difficult age. My DD drove me to distraction between 14-16 months with the constant whining and demanding attention every second of the day. It does get easier! That said you need some sort of break even if it's a daily trip out to the park, playgroup etc or they'll drive you batty.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2019 15:33

after I play and play with them, hold them close to me, read books and loads of other activities but it's not enough
Because they're baby's and baby's are needy.
Honestly find some groups to go to do you're getting out the house, look at studying part time so you can breathe and perhaps look at a small weekend or evening job so you get adult conversation

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 15:34

@SleepingStandingUp I'd say once they're asleep be it walking or in the car they'll stay asleep. BUT it can be unpredictable as in it could only be for 10 minutes.

OP posts:
Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 15:36

I'm beginning to think I should have left the FT course part out, I am more concerned about the lack of naps and how to deal with the clingyness rather than ways to fob them off as some seem to think but oh well.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2019 15:36

I need to get them to nap first to avoid falling asleep before hand you won't do it, you need to let them sleep the journey there, even if it means leaving long enough to give them a good hours sleep then do the group then home

Howdidido · 19/07/2019 15:36

In the pushchair or car?
I get that. It's frustrating when you've got something planned. I wouldn't wake them for it for the world!
Could you have a back up plan? So have a playgroup you'd like to make, but if they fall asleep you do something else (study?) And then go to a different group in the afternoon?

Or go at a time they def won't nap? Mine wouldn't sleep at 9am but would have easily fallen asleep in the car anytime after 12

Howdidido · 19/07/2019 15:37

And the clingyness is normal. Sorry. It gets better. But you just have to go with it. They really need you- they are definitely NBU!

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 15:39

@howdidido I am happy to rearrange play groups because the one near us you can drop in any time. So it wouldn't be a problem to let them sleep as we walk then go to a later session.

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 19/07/2019 15:39

I think the feeling that you’re not doing enough doesn’t loosen up until they’re about 3 or 4.

And you’ve got two so maybe longer.

I said this kindly, but you probably aren’t doing enough.

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 15:40

@thecatinthetwat probably, I am still learning.

OP posts:
TheCatThatDanced · 19/07/2019 15:42

35 hours a week is literally a full time job!

I was lucky and I had time off with both mine.

SIL on the other hand, and her SIL - both their DC went to nursery at 9 months and 1 year old respectively - though they can WFH 1 day a week or so and SIL doesn't work Fridays. There is no way, especially SIL who does a lot of research work could get that work done at home with her DS there (now 1) demanding her attention.

You need childcare.

floribunda18 · 19/07/2019 15:43

I don't think it's unfair to put a baby who is crying AFTER you have fulfilled it's needs in a cot to give yourself a couple of minutes

It's fine. The main thing is your sanity.

SoyDora · 19/07/2019 15:43

If they’re falling asleep every time you leave the house with them in the pushchair then they need a nap. A lot of the clingyness and crying will be due to being overtired. I would tackle that first, even if it means walking around with them in the pushchair after lunch for an hour every day until they get into the habit of napping.
It sounds like they need more fresh air and exercise too. I can imagine you’re all feeling a bit stir crazy if you’re at home for the best part of every day.
I know it’s been said over and over but 35 hours a week of studying is just not feasible with two very young children.

Passthecherrycoke · 19/07/2019 15:43

OP can I ask how you’ve managed the degree for the last 14 months? What’s changed, have they just become more clingy?

MyDcAreMarvel · 19/07/2019 15:44

I don’t understand the problem, if your dp is at home all day then he should be looking after the twins will you study.

Hahaha88 · 19/07/2019 15:45

You've got babies not cats. You can't just make sure they're fed and watered and then find 35 hours uninterrupted time with them awake to do coursework. You're not going to be doing a good job at learning or parenting.

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