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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to put my 1 year old twins in cots when I can't take it?

214 replies

spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 14:03

I have 14 month old twins which I absolutely adore. Every day I look forward to nothing but playing with them but recently they have become very hard to handle.

The eldest twin is vv clingy as in; I will play with her, she has lots of toys, I cuddle her a lot, she watches a bit of peppa pig, gets plenty of snacks but is never happy. An example can be she's fully fed, changed, given attention but I am currently in the middle of a degree, so I often do need to sit and use my laptop for work. She will pull at my clothes and whine very loudly and cry until I pick her up to put her on the sofa. After I feel like she's had enough on the sofa she will get down or I will put her down but immediately starts to scream again. This can happen from the minute she wakes up until she goes down to sleep so all day basically. I known the difference to when she needs a nap as I will put her down. I don't think it's teething purely because at night they will both sleep 12 hours and there are no other signs of teething apart from a tooth.

Now the 2nd twin is becoming like this and it's frustrating for DP and me because we do give them enough attention but feel like we're lacking somewhere. They can screech really loudly all day and we don't like to open our windows because it sounds terrible and the walls are thin too. It's not like a quite screech either it's a full on tantrum cry!!

In the end it gets a lot for us and we will time out the kids and put them upstairs until they calm down but is this unreasonable? Does anyone have any advice? It is just a phase.... right?!?!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/07/2019 14:40

Your degree is the same as working full time. Yo cannot work full time and look after two one year olds. That is two full time jobs.

If you have 35 hours a week work. Then ten hours a day sat and sun, then the remaining fifteen hours split between the five evenings, so three hours each night, your husband and you will need to split the child care between you, you do it whilst he works, he does it whilst you work.

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 14:40

@BeanBag7 I don't mind as they are older, I think what is more difficult for me is obviously they can't talk, so when they cry and cry and I've done everything that's more frustrating than when they can say what they want.

I am working on getting them to nap but they just absolutely hate it at times for what reason I don't know, they are very playful so maybe sleep is for the weak.

OP posts:
Sindragosan · 19/07/2019 14:40

Sadly the schemes are either both parents working or no parents working.

Have you checked if you are entitled to tax credits/married couples tax allowance etc? If you were able to get something from either of them it might cover childcare fees for a short time. Check if you're due a tax rebate as well if you went on maternity leave during a tax year.

SmartPlay · 19/07/2019 14:41

Putting them in a cot if you're very stressed and about to go nuts: Yes, that's certainly a good idea! I've done it with my child too on some occasions, because it's better to let him cry for a little bit while I can calm down, than losing it.

I'd reduce the housework and engage them in what you do. At that age they often love to help and they can help with almost anything.
In order for them to learn to entertain themselves, get rid of toys that make them passive (e.g. everything with batteries that entertains them by pressing buttons) and let them engage with toys that require them to be active. And don't have too many toys.
Try to them to be active, that way they may get tired enough to nap.

Are there any relatives who can watch your kids occasionally for a few hours?

HeadintheiClouds · 19/07/2019 14:42

A playpen is pretty much the same thing, except it’s in the same room that you’re in. They need attention, not to be stuck someone “safe” so op can concentrate on something else, every single day.
It’s utterly unfair on two babies not to be their parent’s first priority.

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 14:42

We have a ball pit, which they enjoy but anything that remotely puts a barrier between us they hate. It's like our baby gates, when I go to prepare food they will scream at me from behind the gates until I am back behind it. Same with when I go toilet, need to get something like the post

OP posts:
averythinline · 19/07/2019 14:42

you need to find childcare...or a cleaner - cut back on the housework!
how does it make sense to a small child for you to be working on a laptop....
14months is way too young for 'time out' they are not being naughty...
you/dp need to focus on them when they are awake .....whther thats taking it in turns... or you work when they are asleep 12hrs is amazing...

eurochick · 19/07/2019 14:43

Putting them in a safe place like a cot for a few minutes if you are at breaking point is fine. Trying to study full time while looking after them is just not possible.

Sipperskipper · 19/07/2019 14:44

I think it’s ok to get some space from a baby / toddler (or 2!) when you feel overwhelmed. DD is 2 and 2 months and occasionally if she has driven me loopy I will just go into the toilet for a couple of minutes to compose myself so I don’t shout or really lose my temper.

However, I think it’s completely normal not to be able to work with even just one 14 month old! There’s no way I could do anything like this with DD around. Even life admin like bank stuff / online shopping etc has to be done when she’s asleep as she just wants to engage with me.

Housework and washing etc I can do (slowly!) with her around as she gets involved and we chat, but there’s no way Inciuld sit and work at a laptop for more than about 90 seconds at a time!

StoppinBy · 19/07/2019 14:44

I just read that your children aren't napping. I am sure this is way easier said than done, especially with two, but getting them to nap could also be a big help with the grumpy behaviour. Even with 12 hours sleep at night they still need at least one nap every day.

Daylily34 · 19/07/2019 14:44

I think you are expecting too much of yourself and them . You are doing equivalent to a full time job and trying to care for them . They need your attention to thrive and they’d benefit from getting out and about . Effectively you need child care or to extend / postpone / convert to part time your course ?

BeanBag7 · 19/07/2019 14:45

Maybe they're bored? My daughter and I both start going stir crazy if we stay in all morning, let alone all day. Even if we are playing and she has my undivided attention we both get bored after a few hours Do you take them out to the park, to the library, for a walk?

SinkGirl · 19/07/2019 14:45

It’s definitely a phase. Mine were similar at that age. I got a massive play pen (Tekplas, check it out), filled it with fun toys and they’d go in there when I had to cook a meal, use the bathroom quickly, etc.

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 14:46

@Sindragosan - yeah what I saw. I am looking up some alternatives as my curious toddler tries to insert my car key into the usb stick lol! Grin speaking of which thank you everyone for your answers, it's play time now!

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 19/07/2019 14:48

Also mine dropped naps completely about 11 months then around 13-14 months they started having a couple of hours after lunch. I would start trying to put them down after lunch and see how it goes.

VeThings · 19/07/2019 14:48

It really isn’t feasible to be studying at such an intense pace with no childcare.

You need to either put back study until you can afford childcare or switch to PT study and get your DH to take them at weekends so you can get some solid hours in.

FWIW you’re doing the right thing by putting them in the cot when it gets too much for you, but you really need to work it how to stop getting to that point. It sounds like your DC are not being given enough stimulation as half your mind is on study and housework.

Settlersofcatan · 19/07/2019 14:48

I realise that twins this age must be really tough but I agree with everyone else - at 1 year old, they just can't entertain themselves while you study. They either need a parent's full attention or to be in childcare. It will be a long time before they can entertain themselves for more than a few minutes at a time.

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 19/07/2019 14:49

@BeanBag7 we do go out a lot lol we take them to the park etc but I mean we live a good 15 minutes from the park but we walk anyway, halfway there.. THEY'RE ASLEEP lmao. And then it's like should I wake them up or?? But that's when they'll nap, if we go to town they will doze off in their pushchair.

OP posts:
Stuckforthefourthtime · 19/07/2019 14:49

Putting them in a safe place like a cot for a few minutes if you are at breaking point is fine. Trying to study full time while looking after them is just not possible.

This. You'll likely find them fussing less when you are less distracted also. It's hard work, doing all you are, good luck with getting naps sorted.

Preggosaurus9 · 19/07/2019 14:49

Studying full time and looking after children is not ok. Both of those require your full attention. Put the degree on hold until you've sorted out childcare. If you have to work part time to get help with childcare costs and then fit part time study around the part time job then so be it. Or even if your DH has to go part time at work to free you up for a day or 2 uninterrupted study in the library. What you're doing can't continue, it isn't right. The Open University are known for their flexibility, why not enquire what your options are today?

NeatFreakMama · 19/07/2019 14:49

I think your expectations are not online with their age. They're so little to be expected to play alone. When my son was this age we did stuff together all day or he went to nursery. I don't think he'd manage even 20 minutes without assisted play. You can't study 35 hours a week Id have thought!

BeanBag7 · 19/07/2019 14:52

If they fall asleep in the pushchair after only 15 minutes, they obviously do need a nap. If they wont nap in their bed could you just walk them round the block for 10 minutes to get them off and then leave them to sleep in the pushchair in the hallway or something.

Llindsey85 · 19/07/2019 14:54

It seems like you are in a bit of a vicious circle.

From my perspective, I don't think they are getting enough stimulation and exercise which means they aren't really tired for a nap.

They need to be mentally and physically stimulated with you and others of possible.

If you can tire them in the morning then they should still sleep for a good 2 hour minimum at lunch time which would let you get study time then.

You could try some mum and toddler groups, as this is good for their social interaction and well as giving you a break to get a cup of coffee and a chat.

Do you have anyone locally with small children? Could you offer a few hours each week childcare swap? This would also get you a few hours extra study time.

Does your partner work? Make sure you sign up to government childcare and try look for a childminder or nursery to take the kids 1 or 2 mornings a week. If you pick them at at 12 then that's only 3 - 4 hours paid but then they would nap so that would give you potentially 6 hours just for 1 morning at nursery.

INeedNewShoes · 19/07/2019 14:54

You may be eligible for 15 hours free childcare the term after your children turn 2, if your household income is low enough to qualify.

I am self employed and I only expect to get a couple of hours per WEEK done with my 2 year old DD present. I do most of my work while she is at nursery two days a week and the rest of it in the evenings with occasional overnights. It is just not realistic to work with one toddler around, let alone two.

It's not fair on young children to expect them to entertain themselves for hours on end each week. Having said that, I have taught DD to play independently so that from time to time we ignore each other for half an hour or so while I get a task done. I have made the living room safe, with stairgates in the doorway so that she is contained but doesn't feel shut in. As long as I have given her some good quality attention first, more often than not she will play happily for a while on her own afterwards.

The thing I'm really very lucky with though is that I have a next door neighbour and one particular friend who are both retired and occasionally will come over and play with DD if I have a pressing deadline. They enjoy it and DD absolutely loves them so its a complete win-win. Do you have anyone you could ask occasionally to come and help you?

HeadintheiClouds · 19/07/2019 14:55

If you managed to get the kids to keep relatively quiet and stop clamouring for your attention, op, would you thank your lucky stars and use the time to study, or would you recognise how severely detrimental to their development being ignored for large periods of time like that would be?
You posts seem focused on how best to get them to leave you alone! They’re babies, they need you