Not wanting DP to go out

[pillowtlki]

So I am fully expecting to be told IBU :( but please be kind I'm a very anxious person!

DP is a teacher and finishes school next week. He finishes at midday and I have been anxious about it. I'll try and be as clear as possible so will bullet point:

1. the morning after we go on holiday long haul to a honeymoon destination, takes 18 hours of travel.

2. when he went on a school night out before he threw up until 5pm the next day

3. he will be out with students. This always happens, his students are 16-18 and they always are in the same club because we live in a small town. This makes me uncomfortable and I think it's weird.

4. I've been struggling to trust him fully since he broke my trust a few months ago by lying to me/hiding something (not cheating)

So I've asked him to go to the pub/whatever he wants when they finish at midday but come home around dinner time. That's a good 6 hours of time.

I asked nicely explaining my anxiety and explaining how excited I am for our holiday (I've really needed it as been quite depressed and struggling lately). I thought he understood. Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).

Am I being that unreasonable?

BTW he has been out clubbing, on holiday etc with friends since the incident that broke my trust and I never tried to stop him/get upset!

Seems perfectly reasonable to me as you are stressed about travelling. He should be packing his stuff and getting organised anyway.

I think it's a very sensible suggestion and one he should have thought of too.

He can still go out but not for as long.

When you argue saying nasty things like you explained isn't great. Don't normalise it by saying that's what always happens. It doesn't make it acceptable.

My daughter is 16 and if her teacher took her out drinking and clubbing for 12 hours I would have something to say about it as a parent - inappropriate

It is weird. I was expecting you to say other teachers

He sounds like a creepy childish prick

He shouldn’t be saying nasty things like that.

But I don’t see a problem with him going out. As long as he’s packed and everything’s ready. He’s the one that will have a hangover to deal with.

He sounds like a nasty prick.

He’s not going out with the students though is he ...

They will just be at the same place as it’s a small town and that’s not his fault.

Who booked the holiday for the morning after his last day of term?

He sounds nasty

In this instance i think its a reasonable request. He's being inconsiderate and if he tells you things like he doesnt care how you feel maybe go on the holiday without him and consider if you really have a future with him!

He's not going out with the students! But they will be in the same place. Underage as well. It happened at Christmas. He went into a club and a kid was like "hi Sir"
I don't know why you'd want to put yourself in that position to be honest!

I think it’s odd that he can’t see your point. It’s a bad idea and I say that as someone who has gone out all night drinking and almost missed my flight. The who thing was awful.

I went to the local pub at sixteen after last GCSE loads of us did. Our head of year was in there, it was her local. She just rolled her eyes, said you lot aren't my problem anymore just don't expect me to buy anyone drinks and I don't want hugs from anyone!

So he’s never allowed to go out incase some students are out?

The same issue will arise again and again. He won’t be hanging out with them.

He has said he won't pack until the day of us going. We go away a fair amount and this has been the trend.
He's also the driver as I'm not insured on the car and due to flight times we can't get public transport (and we don't live close to LHR so it'd be a trek!)

Honestly I think you eed to dump his sorry ass. It isn't OK for him to tell you he doesn't care about you but still expect you to be around.

Pack your holiday, make sure you have your passport and the tickets. If he's not ready to go when it's time for you to go, or he's too ill to board the plane, that's his fault.

You are not being unreasonable at all but he is. Could your anxiety relate more to the status of your relationship at this moment? It reads as being one-sided with you invested in it and him, not at all. Are you trying to rekindle the romance by going to such a destination? I am really sorry, I think he is selfish and isn't your partner in the true sense of the word. Are you prepared and able to go alone and de-stress? Leave him to his selfishness and when you return, consider whether or not you want to be in this stressful, unequal relationship

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. I would have expected my dp to maybe have a couple of drinks then come home and be excited about going on holiday. He sounds like a selfish arse hole.

End of year celebration/night out is a big deal for a lot of secondary teachers & yes the sixth formers are often out too. I always used to look forward to it. You sound like you're nagging him. Of course he won't want to leave at dinner time-that's when the fun starts. Just let him enjoy it!

@CrunchTime0 we don't live in the town he works in. So these aren't our local area. It's a 1.5 hour journey by public transport - the other issue.
He would never normally see kids out. When he goes out with teachers that he's friends with they would travel into the closest city where none of the kids would be.

He goes out with his non teacher friends in different cities and not an issue. He also goes away with friends every year abroad.

It sounded from the OP that he was going out WITH the underage students

I understand being in the same place in a small town and it’s not the same thing!

Given his track record, I don't think you're being unreasonable. However, he is supposedly an adult so he needs to learn to act like one.

Do NOT miss your holiday because of this idiot. If he is too ill to go/get his act together, make sure you get on that plane without him. He can sort out the mess and work out how to join you once he's sobered up.

By the way, how he talks to you in arguments is unacceptable. Do it again and he'd be out the door if it was me.

Posted as you updated...I would book into a Heathrow hotel the night before whilst he's out on the piss being a selfish dick. Explain to him that you intend to take this holiday and won't be missing the flight because he will be over the limit to drive.

You don't really sound like you are in the honeymoon phase of a relationship!

I don't think you're unreasonable but perhaps there are better ways of going about it. I would never ask DH to be home at a certain time. If I did it would just become 'my' responsibility to check that we leave on time, aren't hung over etc etc..

If he's exhausted and hung over it's his problem. If he's not in any state to drive he will need to think of alternative arrangements. Don't make it all your problem

I’m with Sleeping here

Honestly I think you eed to dump his sorry ass. It isn't OK for him to tell you he doesn't care about you but still expect you to be around.

Pack your holiday, make sure you have your passport and the tickets. If he's not ready to go when it's time for you to go, or he's too ill to board the plane, that's his fault.

He sounds like a knob end telling you he doesn’t care about you or your relationship.

If he’s driving and he’s likely to still be over the limit the next day he’s a double knob end.

You can’t make him considerate or thoughtful, all you can do is make sure he gets no sympathy if he ruins his first day of holiday and if he forgets to pack anything, don’t bother reminding him.

Spend the time he’s nursing his hangover having a think about whether he’s really the one you want to be visiting a honeymoon destination with.