Not wanting DP to go out

[pillowtlki]

So I am fully expecting to be told IBU :( but please be kind I'm a very anxious person!

DP is a teacher and finishes school next week. He finishes at midday and I have been anxious about it. I'll try and be as clear as possible so will bullet point:

1. the morning after we go on holiday long haul to a honeymoon destination, takes 18 hours of travel.

2. when he went on a school night out before he threw up until 5pm the next day

3. he will be out with students. This always happens, his students are 16-18 and they always are in the same club because we live in a small town. This makes me uncomfortable and I think it's weird.

4. I've been struggling to trust him fully since he broke my trust a few months ago by lying to me/hiding something (not cheating)

So I've asked him to go to the pub/whatever he wants when they finish at midday but come home around dinner time. That's a good 6 hours of time.

I asked nicely explaining my anxiety and explaining how excited I am for our holiday (I've really needed it as been quite depressed and struggling lately). I thought he understood. Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).

Am I being that unreasonable?

BTW he has been out clubbing, on holiday etc with friends since the incident that broke my trust and I never tried to stop him/get upset!

Sorry, meant relationship, not marriage. His comments are vile, just so rude and disrespectful. Night out, fine, lots of alcohol before holiday, not great at all, especially if he’s prone to being ill all next day. But those comments are just heartless.

Can see both sides here.

I’d like to hear his side of the story

Nugget
I agree

I’d like to hear his side of the story

It would be "It's not fair! OP doesn't want me to play out before my holiday! she's a meanie!"

Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship

He's vile.
Go on holiday on your own. Spend an hour or so working out how to get yourself to LHR and book an airport hotel and then pack your bags and go. Take a few books and buy a whole load of magazines at Heathrow. If you want to spend most of your holiday relaxing and reading you can actually do that better on your own than with someone else.
I bet you will get to know other people. I've often gone on holiday on my own and have always got chatting to other people. You meet really interesting people doing that and my two best friends are people I met on holiday.

I had an ex who behaved like this before every single holiday for the last 5 years. He seemed to have to go on a massive drinking bender the night before. He never managed to pack his things nor help with any jobs that needed doing - no, he needed to go out and get legless with his friends. We then had to drive a long way the next day which often meant me driving for 6 or 7 hours until he was sober.
I tried reasoning with him but I just got a response that I couldn't stop him doing what he wanted to do etc.
Yes, I couldn't control him and nor did I want to. I also didn't want him not to see his friends but I wanted a bit of respect and a bit of forethought from him and for him to maybe not drink so much the night before or to come home earlier - ie. not at 4 am when we were leaving at 8.
I think the word controlling is used far too much as soon as someone wants to put their point of view across as to how something affects them. It is not controlling to ask that someone considers the consequences of their actions.

I learnt a lot through the carry on with my ex before holidays. I'd never put up with that again. He'd be gone the first time he behaved like that. It shows a lack of respect and it's selfish and I wouldn't want to be with someone like that ever again.

Irritating how many people are shouting “controlling” and questioning why the holiday was booked for the day after term ends. The fact is, the holiday was booked (and lots of people book their holidays at that time). He is being a twat wanting to go out on the piss the night before, so I would definitely leave him to it. Taxi to airport hotel, and you get the flight regardless of whether he turns up or not. I would let him know you were doing that as you leave the house. I would also get my paperwork in order and put it somewhere safe as he sounds like the type who would want to ‘get his own back’ on you.

As for the future...time to take a good hard look at this relationship. It seems to be abusive, uncaring and not something you want for the rest of your life. I would be making plans to find my own place. I certainly would not consider marrying him and please do not get pregnant - tied for life to an arsehole

Pillow why are you even with this total jeb end? He sounds vile.

Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship

There is no coming back from this. Do not marry a man who is capable of thinking and saying this. Take him at his word and get out before it is too late. You deserve better and there are good men out there.

I can see that he might feel a bit annoyed by being told what time to come home. However, what kind of adult goes drinking on what could potentially become quite a bender the day before you are due to travel for 18 hours?? Sounds incredibly immature to me.

OP you say that you need to leave at ten but what time is your flight? I dont understand why public transport is out of the question - taxi to a station, possibly quite a few changes of train but surely its do-able? I would leave the twat to it - sort yourself out and dont rely on him as if he follows the pattern he did last time, he will be in no fit state to drive.

I had to stop myself spitting out my morning coffee:

who booked the holiday so close to his last day of school

Lets be clear, we do ALL realise he is in fact a grown man, a fully fledged adult a teacher of all things, NOT a teenager. I can't believe this thread!!
Why would a grown man feel the need to get pissed on the last day of school?! I am aghast at the infantilising running riot on the thread.

Next someone will be piping up with now who is going to be in charge of taking him to the toilet.

Op, get yourself a real man, thats all I can say. A grown adult so you need never have to worry about this again! They do exist.

I’d like to hear his side of the story

Agree. Either he is a selfish thoughtless dick, or you are clingy and try to control him using anxiety as a weapon and gets fed up of it sometimes, or most likely somewhere in the middle.

Regardless of where the fault lies if this is typical of your relationship, you don't sound compatible.

Regarding being in the same place as students. Where I grew up you'd frequently bump in to teachers and be out in the same
places as them. Would probably exchange a few words and then slink off (before they told a bouncer you were under age). That's the least of the issues here.

I'm sure he will be allowed on the flight but what is very unlikely is that he will be allowed to drive legally in order to get there if he's been drinking since lunch time in the the early hours.

OP I'd take your bags and get your self to the airport the night before, if he manages to get up, pack and join you then fine ,if he doesn't then enjoy your relaxing holiday alone (assume it's too late for a last minute name change to bring a friend instead?)

Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).

Hmm. Perhaps if you dumped his sorry ass you'd have less anxiety.

So he might be over the limit for driving to the airport?

I'd be tempted to book an airport hotel and stay there the night befoe. But I'd be reassessing my life and if I wanted to stay with a bellend who thought it was OK to speak to me like that.

I do sympathise but also feel the dynamic of your relationship has come toxic which is BOTH your responsibilities. Your dynamic is more like a naggy mother and stroppy teenage child, than two adults- not exactly conducive for a living respectful equal marriage.

On this occasion I think you should leave him to manage himself on the day of the holiday. Just tell him what time you will be leaving the house and that if he misses his flight he'll have to catch a later one himself. If he fails to get up or make the flight then you will have your answer.

Of course you should just insure yourself on the car- ridiculous not to.

His language in the argument sounds awful and wrong. However we haven't heard your language which could sound equally as toxic.

In general you don't sound like your relationship is a healthy one, but worst of all you don't seem to realise this. You are annoyed about his behaviour on this specific issue but seem to normalise the arguing and general dynamic. You are 50% responsible for this. You're there in the relationship which is you saying this is acceptable. If you were a friend I'd advise you to either leave him or change the dynamic, and learn about how to relate in an adult, healthy way.

Either he is a selfish thoughtless dick, or you are clingy and try to control him using anxiety as a weapon and gets fed up of it sometimes, or most likely somewhere in the middle

This is a good point, OP, you mention anxiety and depression several times in your post. How much does your MH impact on your h?

Of course, your h could be causing your MH issues...

For the people who say they would like to hear his side of the story, who really thinks it’s a good idea to go on an all day bender the day before a holiday, especially when you need to be driving at 10am. I hope none of you do that, as you would be definitely over the limit.

I’d like to hear his side of the story

She's not saying that he can't go out, just that he shouldn't go clubbing as he's driving at 10 the next morning.
Seems reasonable.

Bloody hell - this manchild is a teacher??!!!!

@pillowtiki LTB and take the holiday yourself. It's really obvious that you know this relationship isn't working. It's causing your anxiety to worsen. This guy is dead weight and is being petulant because he doesn't want to work with you as an equal partner. He doesn't see you as an equal partner.

You know what you have to do. Look after yourself because he's already told you that he doesn't care about you or the relationship.

doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship
Wow - he said this and says it often and you are still with him!????
Why are you with this manchild?

Hi
I am probably missing the point here😊,but his attitude to you stinks and I would be more worried about that than him going out.He is an adult and is responsible for himself .
If he speaks to you,and treats you with no respect,so you really want to be with him?

Short term book into an airport hotel for the night before. And go if he does not turn up. Bring a load of good books/magazines etc and chill.

Long term, do not marry him and most certainly do not get pregnant.

not really sure why you are with this man in the first place tbh, not many redeeming qualities on his part.

The holiday date was actually decided by him - it worked out slightly cheaper. We often go away as soon as he finishes school and he usually doesn't care about missing anything.

Also, he absolutely isn't stopping me driving. The reason I can't be insured is because I haven't driven since I passed at 17 (I work in London and commute - no need for a car). As a result I haven't got any no claims and he drives a sports car Merc so would be VERY expensive for me to be insured on and also I would be scared to drive it.

(FWIW I'm being insured on a tiny little old banger when we get back to build my no claims)

Op why are you with him exactly?

How is this set up ever going to make you happy?

Once you are married, you will have this on a loop with the exhaustion of children quite possibly.

The issue is not the holiday, it is him. He needs to grow up, become a man, he certainly isn't a responsible fully functioning adult at the moment.