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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting DP to go out

231 replies

pillowtlki · 18/07/2019 22:57

So I am fully expecting to be told IBU :( but please be kind I'm a very anxious person!

DP is a teacher and finishes school next week. He finishes at midday and I have been anxious about it. I'll try and be as clear as possible so will bullet point:

  1. the morning after we go on holiday long haul to a honeymoon destination, takes 18 hours of travel.

  2. when he went on a school night out before he threw up until 5pm the next day

  3. he will be out with students. This always happens, his students are 16-18 and they always are in the same club because we live in a small town. This makes me uncomfortable and I think it's weird.

  4. I've been struggling to trust him fully since he broke my trust a few months ago by lying to me/hiding something (not cheating)

So I've asked him to go to the pub/whatever he wants when they finish at midday but come home around dinner time. That's a good 6 hours of time.

I asked nicely explaining my anxiety and explaining how excited I am for our holiday (I've really needed it as been quite depressed and struggling lately). I thought he understood. Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).

Am I being that unreasonable?

BTW he has been out clubbing, on holiday etc with friends since the incident that broke my trust and I never tried to stop him/get upset!

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 19/07/2019 06:17

Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).

I wouldn't be marrying a man who said things like this to me.

BayandBlonde · 19/07/2019 06:19

@pillowtlki

I've travelled to the Maldives by myself every year for the last 5 years. It absolutely is a place you can travel to alone.

Some of my best friends were met when diving in the Maldives!!!!

It's not as strictly honeymoon as you think. As for peace and quiet, that also depends which island you're on

AnyOldPrion · 19/07/2019 06:22

I’m with all the others who say get yourself to an airport hotel the night before and leave him to it.

You can’t control him. You shouldn’t try.

If he turns up at the airport having driven while over the limit, then you have proof he’s a reckless asshole who would put others’ lives at risk rather than exerting some self-control. And if he doesn’t turn up, go, if you feel able, and try to enjoy yourself alone. If he turns up sober and is an arse to you, because you made your boundaries clear, then he’s telling you he’s an arse. Any of those scenarios, you’re better off without him.

And if he changes his mind and comes with you and behaves like an adult, then you’ll know you’ve got a decent human being who will respect your wishes when it really matters to you.

Preggosaurus9 · 19/07/2019 06:25

No need to marry this man OP, it's not normal to say things like that even during an argument. Also not normal to own a car and not insure your fiance on it!! If he's this disrespectful to you now, just imagine how much worse he's going to treat you when you're vulnerable, pregnant, with a newborn, given up work etc.

I'd be making my own way to the airport and having a lovely time on my own without him.

historysock · 19/07/2019 06:32

The Maldives is s great place to go on your own and relax! Once you are there you are there, there is no need to do anything by laze around and you just walk from villa to restaurants and back so no stress at all in being on your own.
If he is incapacitated you must absolutely go on your own!!

He sounds a bit childish. Unable to resist 'one more drink' until he is hammered, lashing out in arguments... he might grow up, he might not. Don't miss your holiday though... in the event that you end up going without him it may give him the wake up call he needs...

Coyoacan · 19/07/2019 06:34

Oh, the idea of a holiday by yourself in the Maldives sounds like absolute bliss, especially after having lost ten to twenty stone of unwanted fat.

PianoTuner567 · 19/07/2019 06:38

It’s not on to tell him what he can and can’t do because ofyour anxiety. He’s a grown man and it’s up to him how late he stays out and how much he drinks. He knows he has a flight to catch the next day. Have a contingency (taxi, temporary insurance) in case he is over the limit in the morning.

However

Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship

This is your actual problem. I would not marry a man who said this to me.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 19/07/2019 06:43

He sounds pretty disgusting to be honest and you are not being unreasonable. As others have said, get yourself to a hotel then off to the airport, and whether he turns up or not, regard this holiday as a chance to spoil yourself, relax, and consider your future plans. Good luck.

CupoTeap · 19/07/2019 06:43

@pillowtlki have you always been an anxious person, or has it started after you've been with him?

My experience urges me to tell you not marry this man. You cannot change him. He is not bothered about your feelings.

stormsurfer · 19/07/2019 06:44

I loved the Maldives on my own. It was the most relaxing solo holiday I've ever had.

Boysey45 · 19/07/2019 06:53

I think I'd leave someone who said they didn't care for our relationship, hes telling you OP what he really thinks.

Hes not putting you first, he should be coming home and helping you with the packing, tiding the house etc. Not very exciting but hes an adult.

Bananalanacake · 19/07/2019 06:57

can't he go out and not drink alcohol. or is that unthinkable to him.

fedup21 · 19/07/2019 07:00

What did he do to break your trust?

Does he want to go on this holiday?

He’s being really horrible to you which is unpleasant, but why? Sounds like there’s more going on.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/07/2019 07:03

Pay for a taxi or hotel. Don’t let him ruin your holiday. You need to put up boundaries and show him you won’t let him treat in this way.

fedup21 · 19/07/2019 07:05

He's also the driver as I'm not insured on the car

I’d get that sorted ASAP. Why??

PeoniesarePink · 19/07/2019 07:07

I can never understand why anyone puts up with really crappy behaviour from a partner. If you love someone, you act like it. You don't dismiss and ignore their feelings constantly. That's just cruel.

Book a hotel the night before and meet him at the airport. Let him take responsibility for himself, he's an adult and you can't control him.

speakout · 19/07/2019 07:09

doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).

Why are you in a relationship with this man?

Vulpine · 19/07/2019 07:10

I would have serious reservations about a teacher if I knew they had to go on a 12 hour bender at the end of term.

81Byerley · 19/07/2019 07:14

@Coyoacan I agree! In your position, OP, I'd be going to an airport hotel the night before, leaving his ticket on the table, and hoping he didn't make it on holiday. The idea of two weeks holiday alone, with my Kindle fully loaded, is absolute bliss. Several people have told you The Maldives is a perfect place to go alone. I hope you get the chance to appreciate that experience,

Eustasiavye · 19/07/2019 07:14

He has told you how he feels about you.
Why on earth have you booked to travel 18 hours with someone who feels this way about you?
Get yourself insurance and then you drive, either with or without him.
I agree 100% that it was foolish to book such a horrendous flight the day after the last day of term.
You do seem controlling and I'm wondering if you both have different views about your relationship.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 19/07/2019 07:14

If I was your DP I wouldn’t appreciate being told I couldn’t do something I wanted to do. He is an adult and you are not his keeper.

TapasForTwo · 19/07/2019 07:21

It didn't take long for someone to point out that the OP is being "controlling" Hmm
IMO she isn't. She is justifiably concerned.

I can't think of anything that hasn't already been said, except to reiterate do not marry this man

LagunaBubbles · 19/07/2019 07:22

This problem isn't really about the holiday but about being in a relationship with a man who tells you he doesnt care about you! Were you hoping a holiday would fix this? Because it won't.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/07/2019 07:23

he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship

Sorry, but this tells you all you need to know. Flowers

LittleFairywren · 19/07/2019 07:25

Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).

Someone who loved you wouldn't say things like this to you. Please don't marry him you deserve better than this.

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