Not wanting DP to go out

[pillowtlki]

So I am fully expecting to be told IBU :( but please be kind I'm a very anxious person!

DP is a teacher and finishes school next week. He finishes at midday and I have been anxious about it. I'll try and be as clear as possible so will bullet point:

1. the morning after we go on holiday long haul to a honeymoon destination, takes 18 hours of travel.

2. when he went on a school night out before he threw up until 5pm the next day

3. he will be out with students. This always happens, his students are 16-18 and they always are in the same club because we live in a small town. This makes me uncomfortable and I think it's weird.

4. I've been struggling to trust him fully since he broke my trust a few months ago by lying to me/hiding something (not cheating)

So I've asked him to go to the pub/whatever he wants when they finish at midday but come home around dinner time. That's a good 6 hours of time.

I asked nicely explaining my anxiety and explaining how excited I am for our holiday (I've really needed it as been quite depressed and struggling lately). I thought he understood. Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).

Am I being that unreasonable?

BTW he has been out clubbing, on holiday etc with friends since the incident that broke my trust and I never tried to stop him/get upset!

@Notcopingwellhere when I was teaching I asked all kinds of people (including my children) for advice on experimental lesson plans. And valued that advice massively.
Actually he sounds very immature - and I'm glad that it doesn't sound like he's one of my DC's teachers.

But there’s a huge difference between asking someone for advice, and valuing that advice, and the advisor then deciding that they know best and getting angry if you choose not to follow that advice.
And can’t people see how annoying it must be to have someone with no connection to your work insist that they know how to do your job better than you do? That is a million miles from running a situation past your partner and asking for their advice- it is the partner trying to impose their will on perhaps the one part of your life that you consider to be your own.

And can’t people see how annoying it must be to have someone with no connection to your work insist that they know how to do your job better than you do?

Yes.

Annoying

Very

But not as annoying as being engaged to him and having to put up with his nastiness

He's a knobwombling fuckface

Imo naturally

n past your partner and asking for their advice- it is the partner trying to impose their will on perhaps the one part of your life that you consider to be your own.

It is. And my mother has a habit of doing this sort of thing and yes it's wearing and irritating BUT he sounds immature if he hasn't addressed the OP's need to have everything done her way, or if he hasn't learned to calmly manage that situation without turning into a petulant teenager.

We don't know the dynamics really do we? The op has diagnosed ocd and anxiety which can be very hard to deal with but he equally sounds like an emotionally stunted cockwomble who doesn't care about her.

@Lawnmowingsucks my post began by saying that she should leave him and that he is primarily at fault. I’m not sure why that means I can’t question things OP has said to give her cause for reflection in a new relationship with someone better. .

this thread is unbelievable; the sheer number of mumsnet cliches are hard to read without laughing. LTB, dump him, don't marry him, horrific, ass, prick, cockwomble, cruel and the best - the Maldives is lovely on your own. It's a snapshot of the OP's life and every relationship has black, white and grey areas.

Practically, most people want to be part of their end of year work night out. The student issue is neither here nor there, that's not his fault, that's only you salting the reasoning OP. He went out on a school night and was sick all day the next day, you only mentioned this one night, does it happen every works night out? You have been struggling to trust him, you don't mention why, not cheating, what has this got to do with a work night out? The answers would help determine if you are being unreasonable or not?

OP, please go to the Maldives, on your own or with DP, it’s amazing. You’ll feel so much better for just being there. And I think for the minute, leave DP to his own devices. You get yourself there and let him worry about getting himself there. I can tell you, it’s no journey to do on a hangover, but that’s his problem, not yours.

He’s no doubt really ready to let off some steam at the end of the year... his behaviour sounds atrocious, but maybe you both need a bit of leeway? Clear your head and bit and go from there.

this thread is unbelievable; the sheer number of mumsnet cliches are hard to read without laughing. LTB, dump him, don't marry him, horrific, ass, prick, cockwomble, cruel and the best - the Maldives is lovely on your own. It's a snapshot of the OP's life and every relationship has black, white and grey areas.

Nice ignoring of the crux of the issue, which is:

"doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship"

...and...

"He also said 'why should I care how you feel?'"

Good for you, if you set the bar this low for yourself and your relationship julensaor - but don't expect others to.

Wow.

I’m not sure why that means I can’t question things OP has said to give her cause for reflection in a new relationship with someone better. .

You can question

Did I say you couldn't question?

If I said that then I apologise

I wonder if @pillowtlki will come back to let us know what happened

Hi all,

The night out still hasn't happened, DP's school ends next week. Very late, I know.

In regards to "I know best" an extreme example is that he was forced to resign from his last job because he didn't listen when I said "this sounds like it could definitely backfire". He is a good teacher, I know that. But I have worked in schools as a consultant so have a good understanding of the school's view. In regards to his lesson, it didn't need me to have more experience or be a teacher (which I'm not) it was because it was stupid and he FAILED his observation because of it. Telling you what it was would be outing but it's just dumb, not safeguarding related!

We just had a conversation after barely talking for the past few days. I explained again, I took onboard his reasoning, he called my quivering voice "crocodile tears" and in the end got up, left the conversation saying he can't deal with it because I talk so much, and is now in the bedroom.

Basically feel drained. There's a lot more history behind why this holiday was so important to me. We go on holiday a lot but this one was very meaningful and I tried to say. I think I genuinely thought he'd understand my perspective but he doesn't.
I've made plans for the same evening for dinner with a friend but I will pack this weekend.

He said he's fine to pack morning of and will get the coach home at midnight on the night out.
He then said if he drove would I feel better but he does and has driven over the limit before (he thinks drinking 3 beers over a few hours would mean he's under) so I've said that is just a stupid idea.

YA DEFINITELY NOT BU

ESPECIALLY him thinking he'll be fit to drive! He'll be over the bloody limit!

So not only is he screwing with your plans, dismissive of your legitimate concerns he plans on risking both your lives and those of others on the roads that day?

"We leave the house at 10am" - very possible he will still be over the limit. Highly likely as he's such a "lightweight" that he'll not be fit to drive. It's not just the alcohol, it's hangover, label of sleep etc too.

He's a selfish irresponsible wanker! I know 16 year olds more responsible and mature!

"We're engaged - so this is causing me to have serious doubts about tying myself to him."

Ditch him! Seriously it should NEVER be this hard! Divorce is not cheap! You know you cannot rely on him and really he barely gives a shit about you.

Go on the holiday alone, block him on your phone (if you even turn it on!) take a kindle and load it with the following books for starters:

Games people play - Eric Berne

I'm ok you're ok - Thomas Anthony harris

Why does he do that - Lundy Bancroft

Drink lovely cocktails while reading said books and enjoy some surely glorious diving (I'm so envious I wish I could go Maldives!), lounge in the sun, have lie ins...

You deserve better than this utter loser!

Been there done that with the "crocodile tears". My ex would say even of you cry tears of blood i won't be moved.

Maybe you could try counselling with him if you can't leave him? . Definitely don't marry him though or have any kids. Seriously if you think you are sad now, just wait till you pop out a couple of kids with him.

OP it really is not right that he isnt considering your feelings In all of this.

All my exes were like this one way or another. Did what they wanted when they wanted without thinking about me.

My dh is a complete opposite. Regards my feelings, consults me on plans, if something is feasible and whether his actions has an impact on us as a couple, our family or plans we have made.
That is what you need,especially if you have anxiety or similar.

Yes partners may get frustrated and sometimes you may not always be in the right but on this occasion he is not being fair on you and not compromising in a safe or fair way to ensure you are both satisfied.

Please value yourself more and really think if you want to commit your life to this man. Its Ok to change your mind after engagement. It's just alot harder to change your mind after marriage.

He’s planning on getting a coach home at midnight? That’s not even bloody late! YABU. Let him live FFS

We just had a conversation after barely talking for the past few days. I explained again, I took onboard his reasoning, he called my quivering voice "crocodile tears" and in the end got up, left the conversation saying he can't deal with it because I talk so much, and is now in the bedroom.

I think this relationship has no future. He seems to be checking out. He's going to do what he wants irrespective of your feelings and if you bring something up he is dismissive of it.
Also posters mustn't forget that he said this:
doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).
There are deeper problems here than whether he should be "allowed" to stay out drinking or not. The staff night out is a red herring.

I think you use the word "stupid" too much and if you are using that word in discussions with him I'm not surprised it gets his back up.

I think it sounds like you two are incompatible. He has had issues at work - what on earth did he do as a teacher to end up being forced to resign? You want to help and advise him and he doesn't want to listen to this. Maybe it comes over as overbearing.
He doesn't think it is important to come home early before a holiday and be in a fit state to pack and drive. You do think that is important.
You have to have two holidays a year to accommodate your different ideas as to what a holiday should involve.

Do yourself a favour and dump him now before an expensive wedding and divorce. He's not the right person for you and you aren't the right person for him. Sorry to be so blunt.

Try to imagine being in a relationship where conversations are two way. You never worry what to say. Your views and worries are listened to. These relationships actually exist, I’m in one. It’s great. This could be you too. Don’t stay with this twat any longer. Get out now.

OP do you really want to spend your life with a man who rides roughshod over your feelings like this?
A good relationship is one where two people care for and respect each other. And treat each other's feelings and emotions with sensitivity.
A good relationship is one where even if you don't always agree with another;s view then you listen to their reasoning and try to understand their point of view, and if emotionals are involved too then take that aspect serioulsy too- trying to come to a resolution where you are both comfortable.
Your fiance is doing none of this- it's his way or nothing, not only is he dismissing your view and feelings he is mocking you, ridiculing you and spaeking with hateful words.

Do you think this will change whaen you marry?
Do you want to spend the next 40 years being treated this way?

You are worth more than this OP. Hold your head high and start treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated. Don't allow others to treat you with so little worth.

Excuse typos!!

What Graphista said. All of that!

To those who defend this kind of shit treatment from their 'notso D' Ps, or expect OP to carry on living under it, need to also get that book list and have their eyes opened.

No women need to live under a regime of being shut down, told you dont matter, or that your relationship doesnt matter, and ignored when upset.

Please dont anyone accept this from another human!

You do matter, and your feelings and thoughts should be respected. He lost a good job for a good reason. He sounds like he has very poor boundaries at best.

On one hand he's not your child he's your DP and perfectly capable of making his own decisions on how he lives life.

On the other hand i think he has already told you he doesn't care for your relationship and his actions show no respect for you or your wishes so why do you stay with him? I’m not a LTB poster but i think if you have no kids LTB asap!

@pillowtlki Op please don't marry this man he gives no shits for your feelings!

Thanks smother

I'm finding more and more I am frustrated that women, especially young women (who tend not to be much older than my dd who's 18) are being expected to and are accepting such shoddy treatment from the men meant to love them!

Funnily enough I was chatting with dd earlier, she and her friends are at that stage of first serious boyfriends.

She's been getting criticism not only from bf but friends that she's "too much hard work" simply because she won't put up with shitty treatment!

Eg bf recently took umbrage at her going to a male friends birthday night out on a night bf couldn't go as he was working next day. Dds attitude is she won't be told not to have or spend time with male friends, she and bf have sorted things, he can tend to the jealous side and knows he needs to work on this. Dd is always loyal and has never given him reason for concern. But what really bugged dd was that a few of her female friends thought he had a point! It apparently came up in conversation when dd was with a friend and their bf and the bf said "I wouldn't have let you go without me" to his gf - dd said her eyes rolled that hard they nearly spun out her head! Why do we seem to be going backwards in terms of men treating their women partners/spouses with care and respect?

@Graphista Surely your DD’s silly boyfriend objecting to her going out is the same as the OP objecting to her DP going out? Bottom line is it is ridiculous to tell your partner what they can or can’t do.

As it’s a woman telling a man not to go out, mumsnet wisdom is that OP knows best and she’s so sensible. But men telling women not to go out is controlling and abusive.

Surely all young people (or just people!) should learn to treat their partners with respect regardless of gender?

Derbee

Why are you ignoring everything in front of your eyes?!

All the relationship problems, and that shes absolutely not teying tonstop him going out. Where exactly does it say anything like that.

How silly